The Office, Season 3

Ryan:
Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp". It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a midrange paper supply firm". [pause] That'll show 'em.

Creed:
I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain... and it's possible a man slipped in. [shrugs] There'd be no way of knowing.

Michael:
You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.

Michael:
I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.

Michael:
Ain't no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don't stop!

Dwight:
[crying] The Sebring is cool! The Sebring is so cool! Please don't fire me Michael, I'll do anything!

Michael:
Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put it?

Dwight:
...They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.

Michael:
Oh? sounds like a good dentist.

Dwight:
Yeah...

Michael:
What's his name?

Dwight:
...Crentist.

Michael:
Your dentist's name is Crentist... huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.

Dwight:
Maybe that's why he became a dentist?

Michael:
I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.

Dwight:
When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Dwight:
Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.

Ryan:
I don't think you know what you're saying.

Pam:
What time is it there?

Jim:
What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.

Pam:
Uh, oh, yeah, right.

Jim:
How far away did you think we were?

Pam:
I don't know. It felt far.

Jim:
...Yeah.

Michael:
And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?

Creed:
I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.

Meredith:
Oh, that's what they call it!

Kevin:
This is the best meeting that we have ever had.

Karen:
Andy! No a cappella!

Jim:
I don't have a lot of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left I took a box of Dwight's stationary. So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes... from himself... from the future.

Dwight:
[reading fax] "Dwight, at 8:00 AM today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions to follow. Cordially, future Dwight." [seeing Stanley with coffee] NOOOOOOO!

Michael:
It is an outrage, that's all. They're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.

Angela:
I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.

Andy:
I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs.

Dwight:
Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.

Andy:
Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of Sales.

Dwight:
So you'll be reporting to me then.

Andy:
On the contrary.

Dwight:
My title has "manager" in it.

Andy:
And I'm a director. Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?

Dwight:
I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.

Kelly:
Jim! Oh my God, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Suri! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named it Shiloh! And both babies are amaziiiing!

Jim:
Wow, so, uh, what's new with you?

Kelly:
[blank stare] I just told you.

Dwight:
I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

Michael:
I'm Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike?!

Angela:
Do you really expect us to believe that you're another person?

Prison Mike:
Do you really not expect me to throw you up against that wall, biatch?!

Jim:
Where did you learn all of this?

Prison Mike:
Internet.

Jim:
So, not prison.

Prison Mike:
And prison. Fifty-fifty... both. Look, prison stinks is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.

Jim:
What did you do, Prison Mike?

Prison Mike:
I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the President's son. And held him for ransom.

Jim:
That is quite the rapsheet, Prison Mike.

Prison Mike:
And I never got caught neither!

Jim:
Well, you are in prison. But mmhmm.

Dwight:
[bringing in a dead goose] I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!

Toby:
C'mon, Dwight, we talked about this: no dead animals in the office.

Michael:
I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is cancelled.

Stanley:
You can't cancel a holiday.

Michael:
Keep it up, Stanley, and you'll lose New Year's.

Stanley:
What's that mean?

Michael:
Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.

Ryan:
I miss the days when there was only one party I didn't want to go to.

Michael:
Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly...she's not yo' ho no mo'.

Michael:
Why do I feel like crap?

Jim:
You just had a rebound.

Michael:
A rebound?

Jim:
Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but when it's over... you're left thinking about the girl you really like- the one that broke your heart.

Pam:
[seeing a picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica] Oh my God, is that Jan?

Michael:
No... that's a German woman named... Urkel... grue.

Michael:
Jan? You complete me.

Jan:
...Oh god.

Michael:
Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice... strike three.

Jan:
And where it asks you to state your business he wrote, "Beeswax, Not Yours, Inc."

Jim:
I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.

Michael:
I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

Dwight:
I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

Michael:
Guys! Beef: it's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?

Dwight:
I do! I want some man meat!

Jim:
Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.

Michael:
Well then, my man meat he shall have.

Dwight:
There's too many people in this world. We need a new plague.

Dwight:
I saw "Wedding Crashers" accidentally. I bought a ticket for "Grizzly Man" and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that's the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it.

Kelly:
Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.

Pam:
What do you mean?

Kelly:
Well, this was supposed to be your wedding.

Pam:
Oh, um, no, that's, um, it's actually fine.

Kelly:
There's no way it's fine, I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out, and get really drunk, and then tell someone I was pregnant.

Pam:
Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks.

Dwight:
Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.

Michael:
There are four kinds of business: tourism, food service, railroads, and sales. And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.

Jan:
I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside... I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my god, what am I saying?

Michael:
I love you, Jan.

Jan:
Okay.

Michael:
No need for consternation. Everything is under control.

Jan:
Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!

Michael:
It was a crime of passion, Jan. Not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.

Toby:
I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that... wow. Genius.

Toby:
This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case, when it inevitably goes to trial.

Michael:
[wearing a women's suit] I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual.

Michael:
It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.

Dwight:
Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?

Jim:
Andy, Dwight says welcome back and he could use a hug.

Dwight:
Okay, tell him that that's not true.

Jim:
Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.

Dwight:
Okay, no, Jim, tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. [Andy walks away] Jim! Tell him!

Jim:
Andy... nah, that's too far.

Dwight:
Damn you.

Michael:
Dwight, you ignorant slut!

Michael:
I saved a life: my own. Am I a hero? I really can't say... but, yes.

Creed:
Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.

Andy:
Beer me!

Jim:
What's that?

Andy:
Hand me that water. I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time.

Jim:
Lord, beer me strength.

Jim:
Question, what kind of bear is best?

Dwight:
That's a ridiculous question.

Jim:
False. Black bear.

Dwight:
That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.

Jim:
Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Dwight:
I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

Dwight:
I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of, why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community.

Pam:
Phallus?

Dwight:
Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain.

Angela:
Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy. So, I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.

Michael:
There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain...

Michael:
Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.

Stanley:
Oh sweet mother of God.

Michael:
If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.

Stanley:
Excuse me.

Michael:
Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus.

Kevin:
I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.

Michael:
Andy Bernard. Pros: he's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.

Dwight:
Sabotage.

Angela:
What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich?

Dwight:
No, I was saying that before, not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.

Angela:
I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.

Dwight:
If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.

Ryan:
Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Internet, it's... pretty shocking.

Dwight:
Once I'm officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.

Dwight:
Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

Jim:
Oh, hey, Dwight.

Dwight:
I'm going to be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never.

Jim:
Does my room have cable?

Dwight:
No. And the sheets are made of fire!

Jim:
Can I change rooms?

Dwight:
Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.

Jim:
Can I have a late check-out?

Dwight:
I'll have to talk to the manager.

Jim:
You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?

Dwight:
I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan.

Jim:
Okay, just so I understand it: in your wildest fantasy, you are in hell, and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.

Dwight:
Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.

Jim:
Go.

Dwight:
$80,000 a year.

Dwight:
Don't you want to earn Schrute bucks?

Stanley:
No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.

Dwight:
What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?

Stanley:
The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Pam:
I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just... we never got the timing right, you know? I shot him down and then he did the same to me, but you know what? It's okay. I am totally fine. Everything is going to be totally...

[Jim walks in on interview]

Jim:
Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight?

Pam:
Yes.

Jim:
All right. Then... it's a date.

[Jim leaves. Pam smiles and tears up]

Pam:
I'm sorry, what was the question?

Identity is not a joke Jim

Jan:
I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.

Michael:
I don't understand.

Jan:
The board voted last night to close your branch.

Michael:
On whom's authority?

Jan:
The board's.

Michael:
They say your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you're lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.

Dwight:
Ready?

Michael:
Let's do it. Drop that sucker.

[Dwight drops a watermelon, which hits a trampoline in the parking lot]

Michael:
BINGO! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

[The watermelon hits the top of someone's car and triggers the car alarm]

Michael:
Oh crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.

Dwight:
Okay.

Michael:
Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.