The Office, Season 8

Robert:
Here's what it is, it's a doodle. Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised, don't you think?

Andy:
When I was a salesman I could just be like "not my job, not my prob, I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob!" ...Metaphorically, of course.

Andy:
My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.

Robert:
There's something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional.

Darryl:
I decided to stay home, eat a bunch of tacos in my basement. Now my basement smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement. And taco air is heavy. It settles at the lowest point.

Jim:
There's gotta be a better way to do this. This is literally how they built the pyramids.

Dwight:
Well, they whipped people, which was helpful.

Dwight:
Schrute Farms is very easy to find. It's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've gone too far.

Dwight:
JAMES, PAMELA, AND PEE PEE HALPERT!

Toby:
[about Dwight] Every Halloween, I tell him the same thing: "You can't bring weapons into the office." And every year, he says the same thing: "As soon as I get my weapons back, I'm gonna kill you."

Erin:
Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of 1 to 3?

Pam:
Um, two?

Erin:
That's like the second to last thing I wanted to hear.

Toby:
Do you know her last name yet?

Gabe:
Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.

Toby:
She's going to be screaming her own last name?

Andy:
You're the deuce I never want to drop!

Andy:
If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens. Like we block Minesweeper.

Dwight:
Or in this case an e-mail gets sent to Robert California containing the consultant's report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down? And as a failsafe, every negative e-mail you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.

Andy:
What e-mails are you talking about?

Dwight:
"Robert's favorite songs: 'Creep' by TLC, 'Creep' by Radiohead." Remember that one, Jim? "There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper." Oscar. "He eats his yogurt like he's punishing it for disappointing him." Kelly.

Andy:
That's not that bad actually.

Dwight:
"PS: We should kill him."

Toby:
You know it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due. You know who's gorgeous? Helen Mirren.


Ryan:
Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing.

Toby:
You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It's a pregnant Helen Mirren.


Pam:
Dwight, am I hot right now?


Dwight:
Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.

Pam:
What about before? Was I attractive before?


Dwight:
Meh. You were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.

Andy:
I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle.

Robert:
The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with.

Stanley:
Well, in the African American community...

Robert:
No.

Dwight:
What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?

Andy:
That I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.

Dwight:
Where? Dark side or light side?

Andy:
Light side.

Dwight:
Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?

Andy:
As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent. Beachfront.

Dwight:
Thank you, Andy.

Erin:
Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.

Andy:
Ah, OK.

Erin:
It's about you.

Andy:
That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.

Erin:
It's that I wish Jessica was dead.

Andy:
Y-you...wait, you mean you wish she wasn't here or something?

Erin:
I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground. With worms coming out of her mouth.

Andy:
Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.

Erin:
Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar?

Dwight:
Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.

Gabe:
Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?

Dwight:
Meat grinder.

Gabe:
[makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.

Dwight:
You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator, or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.

Host:
Alright guys, time's up. Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk who discovered that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared? Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein. Oh wait, except for The Einsteins.

Andy:
My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her, so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, "Whoa! Pump the brakes, Bernard, too early!" I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years.

Erin:
I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive...and I believe him.

Darryl:
My future isn't going to be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's going to be determined by two big black balls.

Jim:
There's this thing that people tend to do with billboards. How do I put this? If there's an opportunity for a graffiti artist to work in a... phallic shape, interacting with the artwork, it'll happen, and Andy gave them that opportunity.

Robert California:
Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us? How dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships? It's funny isn't it, we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear?

Dwight:
Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity, and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.

Jim:
No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing.

[Dwight visits Angela in the hospital to see her baby]

Dwight:
Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions…[whispers] willingly, or as slaves.

[cut to Dwight in interview]

Dwight:
That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.

Dwight:
[yelling at Jim] I am making a citizen's arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights.

Andy:
Erin, you wanna go to Tallahassee?

Erin:
I do. I really do. I think it would be a nice way to clear my head.

Dwight:
You know, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to clear your head any more than it has been already.

Dwight:
[about Tallahassee trip] Oh, I'm sorry Stanley. I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.

Meredith:
Wait, Kathy gets to go? Why does she even still work here? Pam is back.

Oscar:
It just feels like a slap in the face.

Dwight:
I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.

Oscar:
We're not questioning his reasons. I just want to know what they are.

Dwight:
I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kind of random to me, but he was pretty clear. On who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.

Kevin:
Well, he nailed it. Because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape.

Jim:
I am on the two-kid sleep schedule so I'm up and at 'em at four fifteen, but no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something. Uh-

[hears door, hides]

Dwight:
Heeeere's Dwi- what the-? [sees trashed room] Oh man.

Erin:
What do you think happened?

Dwight:
Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. [sees "IT WAS DWIGHT" written in lipstick on the door] Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn't me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh.

[Jim falls out of the closet, Erin and Dwight scream]

Dwight:
I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam, and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her.

Dwight:
Win at all costs. Don't respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America. They were farmers. And before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again. At least, that's how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past.

Pam:
Oscar thinks that having a dog is just like having a baby.

Angela:
News flash: If you didn't carry it around for nine months, it isn't your kid.

Pam:
Exactly. Unless you adopted, of course.

Angela:
That is where we disagree.

Andy:
Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of painkillers, drank a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good.

Toby:
Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you're alive.

Dwight:
You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples. Boing!

Andy:
Everyone stop what you're doing. I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us.

Angela, Pam, Phyllis, Oscar:
What?

Andy:
He's gone, dammit! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail, and he's staying in Florida forever.

Angela:
So he's alive?

Andy:
Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.

Angela:
Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.

Andy:
How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke of good fortune and he is now in a better place.

Dwight:
How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation.

Andy:
[to Erin] Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you, and I want to be with you.

Irene:
Where's the ring?

Andy:
Hm?

Irene:
Where's the ring, Lancelot?

Erin:
Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn.

[Irene and Glenn leave]

Erin:
Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you.

Glenn:
[whispering off screen] Why won't she go with him?

Irene:
[whispering] I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome.

Erin:
Hey, don't listen.

Pam:
Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?

Jim:
Oh, great. [reads] "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh, that's not good.

Phyllis:
Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.

Pam:
It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.

Jim:
Stanley doesn't have a moustache.

Pam:
Yeah, he does.

Oscar:
Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.

Pam:
Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?

Phyllis:
Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.

Pam:
Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!

Jim:
Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?

Angela:
Because we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.

Pam:
Okay, which one of these looks more right?

[holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache]

Dwight:
Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.

Gabe:
[bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?

Jim:
Okay, quick. Who says moustache?

[Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands]

Dwight:
Yep.

Jim:
Who says no moustache?

[Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face]

Gabe:
[reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!

Phyllis:
He does have a moustache.

Dwight:
Yes!

Pam:
Welcome back, Stanley.

[Stanley grunts]

Darryl:
In the warehouse, we'd use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly roll, Michael was Dennis the Menace, Ryan was Douchebag.

Ryan:
Hey, that's not a code name, that's just an insult.

Oscar:
Plus, everyone would know who you meant.

Ryan:
Yeah.

Andy:
I had a lot on my mind last night, and I didn't perform. Okay? It happens to plenty of guys. It's usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion and an interview.

[Andy confronts Robert and Nellie about her taking the manager position while he was away in Tallahassee]

Andy:
You are not the manager. I earned that job. I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit.

Robert:
Andy, why don't you just take a seat?

Andy:
Why don't you take a seat, you idiot? [throws chair]

Erin:
And why don't you take all your stupid memos and your stupid pens and your dumb caramels?

Andy:
And your stupid face! [grabs Nellie's photo off the wall and smashes it on the ground]And your stupid office! AHHH!

[Andy punches a hole in the wall…again]

Darryl:
He does not like that wall.

Kevin:
Sometimes I feel like every one I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times!

Kevin:
So, Dwight doesn't understand what a silent auction is. [Chuckles to himself] I guess he's the 'stupid guy' in the office, huh? Cause up 'til now, we didn't have one.

Dwight:
Protein powder, huh? You cut it with water? Why don't you just take estrogen?

Dwight:
Jim couldn't land me in a thousand years.

Jim:
But you're saying there's a chance.

Robert California:
Andrew, it's time for you to go home. You're better than this.

Andy:
Yeah, I know.

Robert California:
Everyone is better than this because this... Is the worst thing I have ever seen. [Sips the Energy drink meant for Asian Homosexuals, said to be flavored as Coconut Penis] Why did they add coconut? I miss the original. [chugs the rest of the can]