The Raccoons, Season 3 (1988)

Cyril:
You were supposed to get piranha. Saskatchewan Smith did not wade through goldfish infested rivers!

Pig One:
But boss, you only gave us ten bucks to buy props!

Cyril:
Don't give me cheap excuses!

Pig Three:
We've blown a fuse!

Cyril:
I'M going to blow a fuse if you don't get these lights back on!

Mr Knox:
Here's your credit card, Mr Sneer.

Cyril:
It's worn out!

Lady Baden-Baden:
Yes, I'm afraid I got a bit carried away. I had to rent a truck to get it all home!

Pig One:
Don't you think you'd better tell the truth, boss?

Cyril:
Don't be ridiculous! I'd better think of a better lie!

Sir Malcolm Havelock:
I can categorically state that these are the best peanut butter sandwiches I've ever had!

Bert:
Aw, it's just a talent!

Lady Baden-Baden:
Ooh, what an inspiration you are to all of us Sir Malcolm! I do hope you stay and answer some questions from our audience! Oh, there's one now! Yes?

Man In Audience 1:
Ever get trapped in quicksand Sir Malcolm?

Sir Malcolm:
Er, not permanently! Next?

Man In Audience 2:
Do you ever get lost Sir Malcolm?

Sir Malcolm:
Heh heh, not permanently! Next.

Cyril:
I'm here to tell you that I, Cyril Sneer, will finance Sir Malcolm's next expedition. It's just my, er, small contribution towards the expedition of this wide and mysterious world of ours. For the benefit of humanity.

Ralph:
(To Melissa) Of course, the treasure has nothing to do with it!

Cedric:
Do you plan to wait until the rainy season is over before you start for Lingodo Sir Malcolm?

Sir Malcolm:
Oh, of course old boy, yes! Can't travel in the rainy season, oh no! That ends in May...

Cedric:
I thought the rain started in May.

Sir Malcolm:
Oh yes that's right! How could I have forgotten?

Cedric:
I'm asking myself the same question Sir Malcolm...

Ralph:
Bert's certainly gone a bit overboard on the story about Sir Malcolm. It reads like one of his books; good story, but very few facts.

Cedric:
What do you mean Ralph?

Ralph:
Well, I've tried supporting evidence for some of Sir Malcolm's claims, but there's just no proof.

Cedric:
And some of the places he talks about aren't even on the map.

Bert:
Of course they're not on the maps! They're lost cities Cedric!

Cyril:
Those pigs had better come up with a better way to get rid of those chips, or I'll turn them into chops!

Pig One:
We'd better get that winning piece back, pronto!

Pig Two:
Yeah... before the boss makes snack food... out of us!

Cyril:
Alright, give me the bad news. How much did the ad campaign cost? I can take it.

Cedric:
Okay Pop. $473,292,33.

Cyril:
I CAN'T TAKE IT!

Cyril:
About time! What's for dinner?

Pig One:
Tuna and potato chip casserole!

Pig Two:
Escalope, cinnamon and lima bean potato chips!

Pig Three:
And imitation bacon potato chip and marshmallow pie!

Cyril:
Ooh... I feel sick! (turns green and keels over)

Cedric:
What's so thrilling about tearing up the countryside and making a lot of noise?

Bert:
Thrilling? Thrilling?! Huh! What's so thrilling about sitting in a boat all day and whacking mosquitoes?

Bix Wheelie:
Rule five - learn to drive!

Bix Wheelie:
How fast does this thing go? Hey, can I take it for a spin?

Cedric:
I'm sorry but pop has a rule that only I drive the boat.

Bix Wheelie:
That's cool, our club has rules too!

Cedric:
Oh really?

Bix Wheelie:
Rule six...

Toof and Wendo:
Trust Bix!

Pig Two:
The Swami says "peace of mind is money in the bank".

Cyril:
Money in his bank! He's making a fortune off the hat franchise alone!

Pig One:
And he scorns material wealth sir!

Cyril:
That's where I've got the edge! I'll meditate myself to millions! I'll buy a fleet of swamis!

Pig Two:
Now remember sir, wild rages...

Pig One:
...and terrible tantrums...

Pig Two:
...waste valuable energy!

Pig One:
And energy is power...

Cyril:
...and power is money...

Pig Two:
...and money in the bank...

Pig One:
...is peace of mind!

Toof:
Maybe we should go after him Bix?

Bix Wheelie:
Stop worrying. The golden rule - Be cool!

Bert:
Bix is cool, and he thinks I'm cool too, and that's cool!

Ralph:
What's this, the polar bear club?

Cyril:
(To Bert) Get back here you motorcycle megalomaniacal ring-tailed tree-dwelling terrorist!

Melissa:
Cedric was looking for you today.

Bert:
He was?

Ralph:
Mm-hmm! And it looked like he just lost his best friend.

Bert:
Gee you're right, I have been ignoring Cedric. I'm gonna find him right now! Thanks Melissa! See ya Ralph!

Bert:
You haven't seen Cyril Sneer's limo? It makes the Chrysler Building look like a pickup truck! It's got triple overhead cams and chrome wheel drive, and sidepipes a mile long, and...

Bix Wheelie:
Well my old man's GX250 V12 ZXL has superturbo overdrive!

Bert:
Well Mr Sneer's limo has double super turbo over overdrive, plus two videogames and hot and cold running water!

Bix Wheelie:
Shh! Listen. You hear that?

Bix Wheelie:
Well turn on the blaster, it's driving me nuts!

Bert:
It's kind of late, and the Sneers' house is right over there!

Wendo:
Rule eight - it's never late!

Bert:
OH NO! We've got to put it out!

Bix Wheelie:
Put it out? Let's get out!

Bert:
Where's the fire alarm?

Bix Wheelie:
Are you crazy? Come on!

Bert:
You're... you're gonna run?!?

Wendo:
Hey, thanks guys.

Bert:
It's my buddy you should be thanking, I just...

Cedric:
It was teamwork Bert!

Bert:
Thanks Cedric. Hey, where did you learn that trick about going under the smoke?

Cedric:
Well, from being around pop! And his cigars!

Bert:
You know Cedric, there's nothing better than sitting in a boat with a fishing line, and a friend.

Cedric:
You know Bert, I'm glad you're here!

Bert:
Rule ten - start again!

Bert:
I gotta hand it to you Melissa. You sure know how to pack a picnic basket.

Melissa:
And you sure know how to empty one!

Cyril:
Money is no object!

Pig Three:
Uh, are you feeling okay boss?

Smedley Smythe:
I have a theory that the creature is from the later Jurassic period.

Bert:
That late huh?

Bert:
I got it! I got it!

Bert:
It's got me! IT'S GOT ME! HELP!

Mrs Pig:
I think we have a little misunderstanding.

Cyril:
(Staring angrily at the pigs) You've got that right. Three little misunderstandings!

Pig Two:
Hey! I've found a fender!

Pig One:
Great. Just 3,425 parts to go before the boss will speak to us again!

Bert:
What's it gonna be? Peanut butter pancakes or peanut butter waffles?

Ralph:
Pancakes, please. Oh and hold the peanut butter.

Bert:
Hold the peanut butter? Sheesh! Some people have no taste!

Ralph:
Wow! Melissa would love... this story.

Bert:
You can clip it out and save it for. She'll be back soon. I guess.

[Melissa, the pigs, Cedric, Mr. Roykirk and Snag have rescued Cyril from the burning tree that was pinning him down. Cyril is now sitting on the ground, petting Snag as he eats a steak]

Melissa:
Cyril! Are you okay?

Cyril:
Fine. Fine, thank you.

[He looks at Snag]

Cyril:
Cost me a fortune to feed Snag. It's ridiculous. Heh-heh.

Ralph:
Melissa!

Bert:
Wha-... what are you doing here?!

Melissa:
I've got fired for my first assignment! Isn't that wonderful?

Ralph:
Oh. I'm sorry, Melissa.

Melissa:
Well, I'm not. Something happened to make me realize I'm the one who has to make my own decisions. I knew you all meant well. But you were putting all your hopes on me for getting what I might want. And I've decided I know what I want... for now.

Ralph:
What's that, Melissa?

Melissa:
I want... one of Bert's peanut butter sandwich specials, and a nice hot cup of tea!

Bert:
(laughs) One special comin' up!

Ralph:
I should've listen to you, Melissa. I'm sorry. Boy, am I glad you're back!

Bert:
Yeah, me too, Melissa. You're the only one who appreciates my cooking.

Melissa:
Oh, Bert!

Narrator:
Success and happiness are two things that people sometimes spend a long time looking for. They might find it at some far off part of the world. And then again, they might find it in their own backyard.

Computer:
Sorry, this information is strictly confidential.

Cyril:
And this machine is for the birds!

Pig One:
Do you have an appointment sir?

Cyril:
One more oink out of you, pig, and you're a budget cut.

Cyril:
I ask Cedric to show a little drive and all of a sudden he's more meddlesome than a government accountant!

Bert:
Boy, this metal detector works great! It's gonna make us a fortune! Doubloons, pieces of eight, maybe even pieces of nine!

Cyril:
Come on Knox! You wouldn't throw me out of my own house, would you?

Mr Knox:
Heavens, no! I'd wait six hours, then throw you out of my house!

Cyril:
It's a good thing I don't crack under pressure.

Cyril:
I thought stoking was bad for your health!

Cyril:
I've heard of money to burn but this is ridiculous!

Bert:
Thanks Cyril! We owe you one!

Cyril:
(wails) Ten million dollars!

Bert:
We don't own him that much!

Ralph:
Okay, Bentley. I spoke to your parents and they're really worried. They said it's okay if you wanted to stay out here a few days. I said you were fine but they'd rather hear it from you.

Bentley:
They'd be better off if they never heard from me again.

Melissa:
That's a terrible thing to say, Bentley.

Bentley:
I think I'll go for a walk.

Bert:
Want me to come with you, little buddy?

Bentley:
I'd rather be alone, Bert.

Bert:
Don't worry. Bentley will come around. I know kids.

Bert:
Here you are Bentley, this should keep you going for a while. Hey, I even brought some books I thought you might like.

Bentley:
Thanks a lot Bert, you're a real... (Looks at one of the book covers) COLLEGE MATHEMATICS?! You talked to my parents, didn't you? And they told you, didn't they? And you PROMISED!

Bert:
I don't know what you're talking about Bentley!

Bentley:
Oh, sure! Then how do you know about the mathematics? You're just trying to make me feel guilty!

Bert:
About what?! (Something dawns on Bert.) Hey...did you fail math or something?

Bentley:
As if you didn't know! Breaking into the school system was easy with my computer. So what if I gave myself a better mark? I wanted to be first! So I cheated, big deal! So now you know why I ran away. I'm a...a criminal...but I don't care!

Cedric:
We could use some help with these dishes, Bentley!

Bentley:
Oh lay off! I don't have to do anything I don't want to!

Bert:
OK, I've had enough of this! Big tough guy huh?

Cedric:
Shh, He'll hear you!

Bert:
Doesn't need anybody! Makes a mistake and then can't face up to it! Runs away!

Cedric:
Em, Bert, Remember, Understanding...

Bert:
THIS HAS GOT TO BE SAID! So you want a life on the road eh Bentley? No home? No Family? No friends? You wanna be a...a fugitive, right?

Bentley:
That's right, a fugitive!

Bert:
Never knowing if the next person you see is gonna put the finger on you and say, "There! That's the kid who cheated on his math mark!" HUH! Some life! Is that what you want?

Bentley:
Maybe...and maybe not...what else is there?

Bert:
Well....for starters come and help us with the dishes, we'll figure out the rest later, okay?

Bentley:
Okay Bert.

Cyril:
Great! Held prisoner in my own home! By a computer, no less! "It'll do everything," you said! "It never makes mistakes," you said!

Pig One:
Eh, Heh, Heh...Just a few bugs in the system, Sir.

Cyril:
And you bug-brains programmed the system! I'll reprogram you when we get out of here!

Bert:
(After avoiding the lasers) YOW! Phew, made it...but my sweater will never be the same.

Pig One:
What did we ever do before we got this computer?

Pig Three:
Huh! Too much!

Cyril:
(to Bentley) The point is, the only thing you're running away from is yourself. And that doesn't work, because no matter where you go, there you are. I want to tell you a story about a kid I knew. He ran away once. He thought he could make it on his own without friends. Without parents. Without a home. You know what...

Bentley:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard it all before! He ended up poor and homeless, right?

Cyril:
Wrong! He's a millionaire. But there were a lot of lost and lonely years before he made it. And nice as money is, it can't buy back those years. Am I getting through?

Bentley:
I... I guess so.

Cyril:
You might think you're tough and brave running away, but believe me, it takes more courage to face up to your mistakes. Turn back while there's still time. Don't be like the kid in the story, Bentley.

Bentley:
Was that kid... you, Mr. Sneer?

(Cyril doesn't reply)

Ralph:
What do you think of the Standard's new slogan? "The Standard meets the standard"!

Bert:
Well, I've heard better.

Ralph:
I'll work on it.

Pig One:
(About Cyril's bears striking) But sir, the bears provide all the cheap menial labour around the place.

Cyril:
No problem. You menials are cheaper. You can pick up the slack.

Pig One:
That's what we were afraid of.

Melissa:
Ralph, you're forgetting that the Standard was nominated for what it is. Not what you'd like it to be.

Melissa:
Ralph Raccoon, what has gotten in to you? You can't treat your friends that way just because you want to win a newspaper award!

Ralph:
Melissa, I'm a professional. I've been nominated editor of the year, and if I can't depend on my staff to turn the Standard into the best paper ever printed, then...

Melissa:
If you keep this up, you won't have any staff!

Ralph:
Have you got those photos yet, Melissa or do I have to do that to?

Melissa:
They're in the camera, Ralph. I know you want the photos done properly, so you can develop them yourself!

Ralph:
Oooh! Melissa, wait! Waah.. oof (Ralph trips on an ink puddle) All right then, I WILL do it myself and it'll be the best issue of the standard ever!

Ralph:
Oh no! The paper! I must have slept right through!

Bert:
Don't worry Ralphie boy, it's all under control. Care for a copy of the early edition?

Ralph:
You mean you worked all night after I was such a...

Bert:
Pain?

Melissa:
Tyrant?

Schaeffer:
Ogre?

Ralph:
Yeah... I guess I was. I'm sorry gang. I wanted to win so badly I guess I let things get carried away.

Pig One:
But sir, they did drive a hard bargain!

Cyril:
And I'll drive you to the sausage factory!

Cyril:
My brother? Huh! This guy is about as genuine as a hen's tooth! I know what he's after - my money! I may have a poor memory, but I'd never forget my own brother, and he's not my brother!

Pig One:
We've hit pay dirt fellas! Simon's old trunk!

Pig Two:
Now we'll expose that impostor for what he really is!

Pig Three:
Yeah, an impostor! And the Boss will give us that raise!

Bert:
(disguised as a detective) Well, just the bunch of guys I'm looking for. The name's Warm. Luke Warm.

Pig One:
Oh yeah? Well whatever you're selling, we're not buying!

Bert:
I'm looking for the dirt on your new house guest. Get the picture?

Pig One:
No and we don't have time!

Bert:
Look, you stooges better start yappin', 'cos I've got some info that could land you in H2O at 212! Get it?

Pig Three:
We don't know what you're talking about. Have you ever considered English as a first language?

Cyril:
I've been expecting this kind of unhanded chicanery! In fact, I've had a little quiz prepared just for the occasion. It should prove exactly who you are not!

Pigs:
(in unison) All set sir!

Cyril:
Fasten your seatbelt 'Simon', you're in for a bumpy ride! Only my real brother can answer any of these questions! Fire away!

Pig One:
Um, um, what size boots did you used to wear?

Simon:
Simple. Eight!

Pig Two:
Uh, he's right sir!

Cyril:
He is? Well that's a stupid question! Anyone could have guessed that right. Ask him another one!

Pig Two:
Er, okay... what colour were your old boots?

Pig Three:
No peeking!

Simon:
Green.

Pig One:
Right again sir.

Cyril:
What? A lucky guess. Give him a tough one this time.

Pig One:
Um, okay, um... did these boots have any buckles?

Cyril:
Is that all you're going to ask him? Questions about boots?! Who cares! Didn't you find anything else in that trunk? ANYTHING AT ALL?

Pig One:
All we got were his boots.

Cyril:
And here's three more! (He proceeds to kick the pigs away)

'Cyril:
(in his vault) How can this be happening? I worked hard for all of this. It's mine! And in just a few hours I'll be giving it away like glasses in a gas station!

Cyril:
Cedric, I know I haven't been paying much attention to you lately.

Cedric:
That's alright Pop. I know how much you hate to pay for anything!

Bert:
(about Sid Leech, who was exposed after posing as Simon Sneer) An old childhood friend of Simon's! In fact, he and Simon went to school together!

Ralph:
Oh, high school?

Bert:
Elementary, my dear Ralph. Elementary! (laughs)

Dirk Dassie:
We're going to surprise you with voices from your past. You must identify these voices. Listen to their stories about your life, and answer their questions. You ready Cyril?

Cyril:
I'm ready alright! Ready to leave! This is the dumbest idea for a gameshow I've ever heard of!

Dirk Dassie:
And each correct answer earns you $10,000!

Cyril:
Hah! (He rushes back) What are you waiting for?

Pig One:
And now our question for you boss is...

Pig Two:
When are we going to get a raise?

Cyril:
Never!

Dirk Dassie:
From all available reports, you're absolubtely right Cyril!

Taxman:
Mr Sneer, it's my great pleasure to present you this official communication from the tax department.

Cyril:
No! No, I don't want it! I don't deserve it!

Taxman:
You don't want it?

Cyril:
Of course I don't want it! Can you think of anyone that would want it?

Taxman:
Certainly I can! Might I suggest the Evergreen Orphans' fund?

Cyril:
Fine, give it to them. (pauses) The Evergreen Orphans' fund?

Dirk Dassie:
You saw it here ladies and gentlemen, Cyril Sneer is turning over his $50,000 tax refund to the Evergreen Orphans' fund!

Cyril:
(Turns white) Did you say... refund? (keels over)

Bert:
Your pop has really changed Cedric! I can remember when this sort of thing would have driven him nuts!

Cyril:
(Off camera) It was just a game. That's all. Just a game. AAARGH!