The Venture Bros.

The Monarch:
Phew. We almost lost one of our agents. Granted his specialty is pretty limited, but he's an irreplaceable element of my sexy new plan to destroy Dr. Venture!

Dr. Girlfriend:
What plan?

The Monarch:
Oh... well. It was supposed to be a surprise. For you. For Christmas.

Dr. Girlfriend:
Killing your arch-enemy on Christmas Eve, that's a gift for me?

The Monarch:
Well, I got you some stocking stuffers too...

Dr. Girlfriend:
Unbelievable! The selfishness!

The Monarch:
Well you hate him too! Or were you just lying on our first date!?

Dr. Girlfriend:
(groan) So, what's the big plan?

The Monarch:
Hah! I'm glad you asked! Behold!! (a scale model of the Venture Compound rises from the ground) Tiny Joseph has managed to slip into the Venture Compound and cleverly booby-trap it. At the strike of midnight, Dr. Venture will place his precious porcelain baby Christ in its manger, oh, and when he does, it will set off a series of explosions that will deck his halls with bowels of Venture!

Dr. Girlfriend:
(sighs)

The Monarch:
What?

Dr. Girlfriend:
That model was supposed to be a surprise.

The Monarch:
(sheepishly)...I peeked.

Dr. Venture:
Spirit, tell me, is this my grave?

Brock:
(removing his hood) What's it look like, genius?

(Brock and Dr. Venture are discussing gifts for the boys)

Brock:
Well, Hank's covered but I'm having trouble with Dean, he's a little--

Dr. Venture:
More effeminate?

Brock:
(concerned) --tougher to shop for!

Dean:
(in Dr. Venture's dream as a Jack-in-the-Box) Why didn't he wish me a merry Christmas? Nobody wants a Dean-in-the-Box!

Hank:
Oops, baby Jesus is out of the manger!

Brock:
Wha? (quickly checks his pants zipper)

Master Billy Quizboy:
Hold the phone. Total babe alert, twelve o'clock.

Pete White:
Oh yeah, I know her type. Watch and learn, Wilhelmina.

Billy:
Okay, one: you're totally gay. Two: she's hot, and you're an albino. And three: you're totally gay.

Triana Orpheus:
Dad, I can take care of myself, you know.

Byron Orpheus:
I'm sorry, pumpkin. I trust you to defend your honor. It's just that... MY PUMPKIN'S MAIDENHEAD IS NOT A PRIZE TO BE...

Triana Orpheus:
DAD!

Dr. Venture:
Ooh, Orpheus. I wasn't expecting you to show up. Didn't think necromancers believed in Christmas.

Dr. Orpheus:
Well, the whole affair is about as real as Kwanzaa, or uh, the Wookiees' Life Day, but I find it charming.

Hank (to Dean):
That gay albino is hitting on your not girlfriend.

Doctor Venture (after the Krampus licks Triana's face):
What kind of kinky christmas spirit is that?!

Doctor Orpheus:
It is Germanic in origin.

Dr. Venture:
That's ridiculous! There's no such thing as Santa Claus!

Dr. Orpheus:
Not since he was killed by a jet in 1963, no. Nor has there been a Krampus since the pope cast him into purgatory during Vatican II. But your boys seem to have inadvertently released him from his chains.

Hank:
Dean did it! I wanted to read the Grinch!

[The Krampus is sodomizing Dr. Venture]

Dr. Venture:
Brock! Come in Brock!

Brock:
Hey, Fancy-Pants...I've been naughty. [tackles the Krampus] Comin' in MY HOUSE, ON CHRISTMAS! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS, YOU CHRISTMAS PIECE OF SHIT?!

(after crashing in Bethlehem)

Dr. Venture:
So what do we do here, Brock?

Brock:
Well, that all depends. If the Israelis get here first then we might have a chance, I know some guys in the Mossad. If the PLO shows up, well, my Arabic's a little shaky.

Dr. Venture:
Are you kidding? Did you forget? This baby [the X-1] runs on pure plutonium, they're gonna love us!

Dean:
And after all, that's what Christmas is all about!

[Separate interviews]

Dermott:
I never found my father, but I found my brother...in rock! The world will know the names Hank Venture and Dermot Fictel.

Dr. Venture:
Wait, Fictel? And...and he's...seven...seventeen. No, no...I...this interview is over!

Alchemist:
I am so glad we're having a party!

Dr. Orpheus:
This is not a party, Al. We are charged with the honor of hosting the 331st meeting of the Brimstone Assembly!

Alchemist:
Uh-huh, sure. So, where do you want me to assemble the chips and dip?

Dr. Orpheus:
Oh, by my mini fajitas, I think would be nice, or with the cheeses, as they are more of an appetizer.

Jefferson:
[painting on the floor] So, then a star goes in the circle?

Dr. Orpheus:
Jefferson, this isn't The Craft.

Alchemist:
Well, if it was, I'd be Fairuza Balk, and you'd be Rachel True.

Jefferson:
Which one is she?

Alchemist:
Mmm, guess.

Dr. Orpheus:
We are not The Craft, and we don't put a star in the center. We have a square representing perfection inside a circle representing unity inside a triangle representing simplicity.

Jefferson:
Simplicity would be a star in the middle. This right here is confusing. Somebody else do this.

Ben:
Dean, calm down, will ya? You're taking this all wrong.

Dean:
Wrong?! You're telling me I'm a clone! That I'm not even Dean, that I'm some stupid science experiment! How do you want me to take it?!

Ben:
No, come on. No, no, no. You're Dean, there's no other Dean. You're it, flesh and blood. Look, I was conceived in the backseat of a Packard. You were conceived in a tank. So what?

Dean:
So I have no mommy, no nothing?!

Ben:
Dean, you have it all wrong. You have a mommy, and your dad is your dad. They made you by getting drunk and forgetting to wear a condom, like everybody else. And your dad loved you so much that when you got a boo-boo, he kissed it and made it better and made it go away.

Dean:
You brought me back to life!

Ben:
Yeah, okay. Well, you and your brother had some pretty big boo-boos.

Dean:
I'm freaking Frankenstein...I mean, Frankenstein's monster...whatever. You can't play God!

Ben:
Will you knock it off? We didn't make you from a lotus flower, Dean. We made you from you.

Dean:
It's just...it's just so wrong!

Ben:
Have a kid one day, Dean. Hold its lifeless body in your arms, and then tell me how wrong it is. Your grandpap and I perfected genetic engineering because God or whatever gave us a perfect map to do so. Jonas, me, and, yes, your dad saw it as nothing more than a f***ing Band-Aid for a really big boo-boo. Hey, you...you want a beer?

Dean:
I think I do.

Ben:
Don't tell your dad.

Dr. Orpheus:
Halloween is the night we discover who we are. Are we people who make zombie armies? Are we those who condemn others? Or are we beautiful children in resplendent costumes collecting candy? Are our choices in costumes provocative? Do we dress up as our ideal self, or are we not ready to decide what to be? Do you see it now? We use this one enchanted night to perform the greatest feat of magic there is. We become ourselves. Halloween is the true magic. It is the night we discover who we really are.

Hank:
So what happened in the Potter house?

Dean:
I...learned something.

Hank:
Something scary?

Dean:
Well...

Hank:
What?

Dean:
I guess...I learned that...beer tastes like pee-pee.