The West Wing, Season Three

Josh:
What's Islamic extremism? It's strict adherence to a particular interpretation of 7th century Islamic law as practiced by the prophet Mohammed, and when I say "strict adherence," I'm not kidding around. Men are forced to pray, wear their beards a certain length. Among my favorites is there's only one acceptable cheer at a soccer match: 'Allah-hu-Akbar.' "God is great." If your guys are getting creamed, then you're on your own. Things are a lot less comic for women, who aren't allowed to attend school or have jobs. They're not allowed to be unaccompanied, and oftentimes get publicly stoned to death for crimes like not wearing a veil. I don't have to tell you they don't need to shout at a soccer match because they're never going to go to one. So what bothers them about us? Well, the variety of cheers alone coming from the cheap seats at Giants stadium when they're playing the Cowboys is enough for a jihad, to say nothing of street corners lined church next to synagogue, next to mosque, newspapers that can print anything they want, women who can do anything they want including taking a rocket ship to outer space, vote, and play soccer. This is a plural society. That means we accept more than one idea. It offends them... You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. It makes them absolutely crazy.

Toby:
When you think of Afghanistan, think of Poland. When you think of the Taliban, think of the Nazis. When you think of the citizens of Afghanistan, think of the Jews in concentration camps. A friend of my dad's was at one of the camps. He used to come over to the house, and he and my dad used to shoot some pinochle. He said he once saw a guy at the camp kneeling and praying. He said, "What are you doing?" The guy said he was thanking God. And my dad's friend said, "What could you possibly be thanking God for?" He said, "I'm thanking God for not making me like them." Bad people can't be recognized on sight. There's no point in trying.

Bartlet:
A martyr would rather suffer death at the hands of an oppressor than renounce his beliefs. Killing yourself and innocent people to make a point is sick, twisted, brutal, dumb-ass murder. And let me leave you with this thought before I go searching for the apples that were rightfully mine: we don't need martyrs right now. We need heroes. A hero would die for his country but he'd much rather live for it.

Student:
What do you call a society that has to just live every day with the idea that the pizza place you are eating in could just blow up without any warning?

Sam:
Israel.

Josh:
But listen, don't worry about all this right now. We got you covered. Worry about school. Worry about what you'll tell your parents when you break curfew. You're gonna meet guys. You're gonna meet girls. Not so much you, Fred. Learn things, be good to each other. Read the newspapers, go to the movies, go to a party, read a book. In the meantime, remember pluralism. You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to go in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. Makes them absolutely crazy.

Sandy:
Can you tell us right now if you'll be seeking a second term?

Bartlet:
Yeah. And I'm gonna win.

Reporter:
Was he physically and emotionally prepared to make a life and death decision after what he'd just been through?

C.J.:
He'd been through a TV interview and a press conference. The President finds you all annoying but not prohibitively debilitating.

Charlie:
Aren't you supposed to be writing?

Toby:
I am writing.

Charlie:
I don't see paper.

Toby:
'We can sit back and admit with great sensitivity that life isn't fair... and the less-advantaged are destined to their lot in life... and the problems of those on the other side of the world should stay there... and our leaders are cynical and can never be an instrument of change... but that, my friends, is not worthy of you; it's not worthy of a President; it's not worthy of a great nation; it's not worthy of America.' Paper's for wimps.

Charlie:
[advised to get a lawyer] How much?

Babish:
Assuming you saw nothing wrong, heard nothing wrong and did nothing wrong... about $100,000.

Toby:
It's a typical marriage, I've been there.

Charlie:
Well, I haven't, but he's the President of the United States, so my guess is no, it's probably not a typical marriage.

Bartlet:
It occurs to me, I never said I'm sorry. I am. For the lawyers, for the press, for the mess, for the fear. Bruno, Doug, Connie -- these guys are good. They want to win. So do we. The only thing we want more is to be right. I wonder if you can't do both. There's a new book... and we're going to write it.

Bruno:
I've been thinking it might not be such a bad idea to lock you all in here and set the place on fire. We have 48 hours before we kick off this campaign. We will work hard, we will work well, and we will work together. Or so help me, mother of God, I will stick a pitchfork so far up your asses you will quite simply be dead.

Connie:
I was trying to find a Starbucks. A guy in a gas station said, "Round here, people don't pay four bucks for a cup of coffee."

Sam:
New Hampshire. Live free or cheap.

Bartlet:
[to C.J. about his original election] I was never supposed to win. Then you guys came along and all of a sudden...

Bartlet:
Did you know that hardly any of the guys who landed on the moon are married to the same people they were married to before they went there?

Abbey:
What?

Bartlet:
I'm just saying, it could have been worse: I could have been an astronaut.

Abbey:
You could not have been an astronaut.

Bartlet:
I would have been a great astronaut.

Abbey:
You're afraid of heights, speed, fire, and small enclosed spaces.

Bartlet:
I'd have overcome it to go to the moon.

Abbey:
I know you would have. [pause] There's something important I have to say. I haven't really made up my mind yet, but at the moment, I'm leaning towards voting for you.

Donna:
I grew up on a farm.

Josh:
You grew up in a condo.

Donna:
I grew up near a farm. And I was cute and I was peppy. And I always did well on my 19th Century English Literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime!

Josh:
Hey, I'm not the-

Donna:
White collar crime boy! You know what they do to a girl like me on the cell block? I've seen those movies.

Josh:
Yeah, me too.

Donna:
I bet you have.

Josh:
Look-

Donna:
Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys.

Babish:
A subpoena is just a legal agreement to produce certain testimony and documents.

C.J.:
Yeah, but isn't that like the way a mugger uses a gun to produce your wallet?

Ainsley:
What do you need?

C.J.:
I want you to get together with one of your friends in the press room from a conservative paper.

Ainsley:
You really think we have a secret handshake, don't you?

C.J.:
Do you?

Ainsley:
Yes.

Donna:
Why are you a Republican?

Cliff:
Because I hate poor people. I hate them, Donna. They're all so poor, and many of 'em talk funny, and don't have proper table manners... my father slaved away at the Fortune 500 company he inherited so that I could go to Choate, Brown and Harvard and see that this country isn't overrun by poor people and lesbians. No... I'm Republican because I believe in smaller government. This country was founded on the principle of freedom, and freedom stands opposed to constraints, and the bigger the government, the more the constraints.

Leo:
What have you got?

C.J.:
Nothing. And you know why?

Leo:
Rollins likes us.

C.J.:
I don't know if he likes us, but he doesn't hate us.

Leo:
Well, that's just because he doesn't know us.

C.J.:
Leo, we need to be investigated by someone who wants to kill us just to watch us die. We need someone perceived by the American people to be irresponsible, untrustworthy, partisan, ambitious, and thirsty for the limelight. Am I crazy, or is this not a job for the U.S. House of Representatives?

Bartlet:
You know what we're starting with tonight?

Josh:
No, sir.

Bartlet:
Hot pumpkin soup with cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche.

Josh:
Was anything you just said food?

Bartlet:
They're going to miss hot pumpkin soup with a cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche.

Leo:
Yeah.

Bartlet:
That's a pretty big price to pay just to override my veto.

Toby:
They don't have the votes to override.

Sam:
Says you.

Toby:
Says me, Josh, the Office of Political Liaison, Legislative Liaison and the Minority Whip.

Bartlet:
Sometimes it's like I don't even need to be here.

Josh:
He can have a member try to attach an amendment to the override vote.

Donna:
What kind of amendment?

Josh:
Doesn't matter. "To qualify for the estate tax repeal, the estates have to have Astroturf™."

Donna:
And still it's hard to figure why Congress can't get anything done.

C.J.:
I changed my clothes because I didn't think it was appropriate to talk about two dead teenagers while wearing a ball gown and you know that because you're stupid but you're not stupid, you know what I'm saying? Security's gonna take your press credentials, you'll call my office every day, and I'll decide if you get into the room. I'm taking your spot on Pebble Beach, you can do your stand-ups from Lafayette Park.

Sherri:
Who the hell do you-

C.J.:
One more word out of your mouth and every local station but yours gets an exclusive with the President. Hunting season on me is over. [Sherri exits] And the chemical formula for table salt is NaCl!

Bartlet:
Words when spoken out loud for the sake of performance are music. They have rhythm and pitch and timbre and volume. These are the properties of music and music has the ability to find us and move us and lift us up in ways that literal meaning can't.

Abbey:
You are an oratorical snob.

Bartlet:
Yes, and God loves me for it.

Abbey:
You said he was sending you to hell.

Bartlet:
For other stuff, not for this.

Gen. Adamle:
Sultan Bin Abu Azir ain't what he used to be. Last time I was in Kuwait he gave me a gold-inlaid Gadara sword originating from the Bin Hamar tribe.

Leo:
What'd you get this time?

Gen. Adamle:
Nothing.

Leo:
Wanna go down to the Situation Room, blow 'em off the face of the earth?

C.J.:
Somebody said you were hanging out with some tribe, and they made you a king.

Will Sawyer:
I'm a god.

C.J.:
Oh.

Will Sawyer:
I'm the only white man to ever witness the sacrificial rites of the Bau tribe of Fiji. I was almost a victim myself, until they made me The Supporter of the World.

C.J.:
How'd you swing that?

Will Sawyer:
Using my Palm Pilot, I convinced the Bau I had the power to make the gods' writing appear at will, and more significantly, predict the next day's weather.

C.J.:
So you're a god?

Will Sawyer:
I'm the god of Good Harvest and the Land of the Dead.

C.J.:
I gotta go there and bring my laptop. It quacks when I have e-mail.

Will Sawyer:
No, you're too tall.

C.J.:
What would happen?

Will Sawyer:
They would paint your face and...other body parts black so as to resemble a warrior ornamented for feast or combat. Then you would be garroted by a length of boar tripe.

Sam:
This country is populated with unbalanced people, many of whom find their way to Washington, as if the continent funnels them into this one spot.

Bartlet:
[on the Vice President's refusal to endorse gun control in his home state] You're a hero in Texas!

Hoynes:
I was a hero in Texas.

Bartlet:
Texans don't like that you have the courage of your convictions?

Hoynes:
They're not my convictions, they're yours.

Bartlet:
Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Leo:
We've got to meet with Albie.

Bartlet He's going to scold me. He's been at the State Department since Truman. He thinks I'm a kid and that he outranks me.

Leo:
You'll be fine.

Bartlet:
I've got to tell him I lost a submarine. Can I make something up like say 'what if a friend of mine hypothetically...'

Abbey:
I was hiking, Oliver. I was hiking. Are you really that much an enemy of nature?

Babish:
Nature is to be protected from. Nature, like a woman, will seduce you with its sights…and its scents and its touch…and then it breaks your ankle, also like a woman.

Abbey:
What the hell kind of dates are you going on, Oliver?

Babish:
I hear ya.

Josh:
[quoting] We have the greatest technology of any people, of any country in the world, along with the greatest - not the greatest, but very serious problems confronting our people. And I want to be President in order to focus on these problems in a way that uses the energy of our people to move us forward, basically.

C.J.:
Yes!

Josh:
It's the 'basically' that makes it art.

Babish:
You broke some laws, Abbey, and quite frankly you should be ashamed of yourself, but this investigation isn't about that.

Abbey:
Look-

Babish:
It's about the criminalization of politics. An attempt to do in the hearing room what they couldn't do at the ballot box.

Abbey:
I understand, but we don't have the luxury...

Babish:
Abbey, stop eating fruits, stop eating vegetables, it's doing something bad to you. Fruits and vegetables will seduce you, like a woman, with their...

Abbey:
Oliver!

Babish:
Truth isn't a luxury. You're going to go in there, you're going to swear an oath, you're going to get asked questions, and you're going to tell the truth. It's the way you stand up and say 'Stop!'

Abbey:
You should be careful, Oliver. You keep talking like a person, they're going to kick you out of the bar.

Babish:
I've been kicked out of bars before.

Abbey:
I meant-

Babish:
I know what you meant.

Sam:
Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets?

Bruno:
Because I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam. I'm tired of getting them elected. You all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said liberal means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on communism, soft on defense, and we're going to tax you back to the stone age, because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to. And instead of saying 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, Leave it to Beaver trip back to the fifties,' we cowered in the corner. And said 'Please don't hurt me.' No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh, what do you say?

Bartlet:
Were we talking about something?

C.J.:
I don't know sir, when I came in here - back in the late 50s - there was a purpose to it but then one thing led to another and I blacked out. I mean, I can hang in there with the best of them, sir, but somewhere during the conversation about anise and coriander and the other fifteen spices you like to use to baste a turkey I simply lost consciousness.

Bartlet:
You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President?

C.J.:
I'm coming up to it?

Bartlet:
No, no, look behind you.

Josh:
Did you get me a flight?

Donna:
Yes.

Josh:
Excellent! One that gets me there in time for dinner?

Donna:
Yes.

Josh:
And I don't have to change planes in Atlanta?

Donna:
No, even better, you do have to change planes in Atlanta.

Josh:
I told you-

Donna:
You have to change planes in Atlanta! Deal with it!

Operator:
Hello, welcome to the Butterball Hotline.

Toby:
What the hell is...

Bartlet:
Shhhh. Hello!!

Operator:
How can I help you, sir?

Bartlet:
Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide.

Operator:
Well, thank you. May I have your name please?

Bartlet:
I'm a citizen.

Operator:
I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comments in our customer feedback form.

Bartlet:
I'm Joe Betherson...ton. That's one 't', and with an 'h' in there.

Operator:
And your address?

Bartlet:
Fargo.

Operator:
Your street address, please?

Toby:
[picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now. [hangs up]

Bartlet:
My street address is 114... 54 Pruder Street, and it's very important that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R... Fargo, North Dakota... [Charlie walks in with a piece of paper, Bartlet grabs it.] Zip code 50504.

Operator:
Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me.

Bartlet:
I do radio commercials for... products.

Operator:
And how can I help you?

Bartlet:
[sits down] Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?

Operator:
It can also be baked in a casserole dish.

Bartlet:
Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we? [Toby sits down and puts his hand under his chin.]

Operator:
I suppose.

Bartlet:
If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker.

Operator:
Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are Salmonella and Campylobacter jejuni.

Bartlet:
All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second bacteria up, and second of all, how do I avoid it?

Operator:
Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first. Sauté any vegetables, fried sausage, oysters, etc.

Bartlet:
Excellent! Let's talk temperature.

Operator:
One hundred and sixty-five degrees.

Bartlet:
No, see, I was testing you! The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature of 180 to 185 degrees.

Operator:
Yes, sir, I was talking about the stuffing which you want to cook to 165 to avoid health risks.

Bartlet:
Okay. Good testing!

Operator:
Do you have an accurate thermometer?

Bartlet:
Oh yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the king of... [Toby raises his hand and Bartlet catches himself] auto sales in...

Toby:
[whispering] Fargo.

Bartlet:
Fargo. Phil Baharnd. The man can sell a car like... well, like anything.

Operator:
Very good, sir. You have a good Thanksgiving!

Bartlet:
And you do, too. Thanks a lot! [hangs up the phone] That was excellent! We should do that once a week.

Note:
The actual residential ZIP codes for Fargo range from 58102 to 58106. The zip code given, 50504, is not a valid USPS ZIP code [1] [2]

Bruno:
[to Bartlet] I have difficulty sometimes talking to people who don't race sailboats. When I was a teenager, I crewed Larchmont to Nassau on a 58-foot sloop called Cantice. There was a little piece of kelp that was stuck to the hull, and even though it was little, you don't want anything stuck to the hull. So, I take a boat hook on a pole and I stick it in the water and I try to get the kelp off, when seven guys start screaming at me, right? 'Cause now the pole is causing more drag than the kelp was. See, what you gotta do is you gotta drop it in and let the water lift it out in a windmill motion. Drop it in, and let the water take it by the kelp and lift it out. In, and out. In, and out, till you got it. The voters aren't choosing a plumber, Mr. President. They are choosing a president. And if you don't think that your family should matter, my suggestion to you is to get out of professional politics. And if you think that I'm going to miss even one opportunity to pick up half-a-knot boat speed, you're absolutely out of your mind. When it costs us nothing, when we give up nothing?! You're out of your mind.

Bartlet:
With the ingredients for stuffing you have to cook them before you put them in the turkey, and you're not going to know whether I did or not.

Abbey:
I'll do what I always do with anything you cook. I'll wait for the girls to eat it first.

Bartlet:
Me, too.

Bartlet:
Did the Celtics win last night?

Charlie:
No, they got crushed.

Bartlet:
'Kay, when I say 'Did they win?' you can just say yes or no.

Charlie:
They got pretty well crushed.

C.J.:
You know, if I was living in Qumar, I wouldn't be allowed to say 'Shove it up your ass, Toby,' but since I'm not: Shove it up your ass, Toby!

Josh:
I just came from seeing Amy Gardner.

C.J.:
Yeah? How'd it go?

Josh:
I showed her who's boss.

C.J.:
Who'd it turn out to be?

Josh:
It's still unclear.

Leo:
A national seat-belt law is never gonna happen.

Sam:
Why?

Leo:
What's the most important state in the primaries?

Sam:
New Hampshire.

Leo:
What's the most important state in the general?

Sam:
Michigan.

Leo:
What's the only state without a mandatory seat-belt law?

Sam:
New Hampshire.

Leo:
And where do they make the cars?

Sam:
Fair enough.

Josh:
How am I not supposed to call you a hypocrite when you say that the government shouldn't tell women what to do with their bodies?

Amy:
Exercise some self control, I guess. Prostitution is about the subjugation of women by men for profit.

Josh:
But the profit goes to the women.

Amy:
In some cases. But I know of no little girl, and neither do you, who says "I want to be a prostitute when I grow up."

Bartlet:
[on phone] Listen, I don't care that much about your ass but if you need to perjure yourself to protect me you're going to damn well do it.

Leo:
Sir, this isn't a secure call, so I'm going to say to the 17 global intelligence agencies that are listening in that he was kidding just then.

Mike:
In thirteen years with the bureau I've discovered that there's no amount of money, man-power or knowledge that can equal the person you're looking for being stupid.

Bartlet:
Good, well, some of the stupidest criminals in the world are working right here in America. I've always been very proud of that.

Leo:
The President was at the debate site, walking the stage. A podium is a holy place for him. He makes it his own like it's an extension of his body. You ever see a pitcher work the mound so the dirt does exactly what his feet want it to do? That's the President. He sees it as a genuine opportunity to change minds - also his best way of contributing to the team. He likes teams. I love him so much.

Leo:
I'm an alcoholic. I don't have one drink. [pauses] I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? [pauses, sighs] My brain works differently.

...

Jordan:
I don't understand how you could have a drink. I don't understand how, after everything you worked for, how on that day of all days you could be so stupid.

Leo:
That's because you think it has something to do with smart and stupid. Do you have any idea how many alcoholics are in Mensa? You think it's a lack of willpower? That's like thinking somebody with anorexia nervosa has an overdeveloped sense of vanity. My father was an alcoholic. His father was an alcoholic. So, in my case...

Jordan:
[nods] Ain't nothin' but a family thing.

Cliff:
[to a Republican senator] This is bush league. This is why good people hate us. This, right here. This thing. This isn't what these hearings are about. He cannot possibly have been properly prepared by counsel for these questions, nor should he ever have to answer them publicly. And if you proceed with this line of questioning, I will resign this Committee, and wait in the tall grass for you, Congressman. Because you are killing the party.

Leo:
Okay. Well, I'll just call the President and suggest to him that he allow a huge bipartisan vote on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives calling him a liar and that he welcome the result. Then, I'm going to flap my wings and fly to Neverland.

Jordan:
Leo-

Leo:
You think I am so desperate to save my ass, I'm gonna roll over on Jed Bartlet?

Cliff:
I don't think it's a matter of-

Leo:
I take a bullet for the President. He doesn't take one for me.

Josh:
Well, I'm a straight shooter. I think my record's pretty clear on that.

Toby:
Yeah.

Josh:
[about Amy Gardner] I'd like to see her again.

Toby:
Call her.

Josh:
And ask her out?

Toby:
Yeah.

Josh:
No, no. 'Cause there's a potential she says no and then I have to move someplace where it'll never be spoken of again.

Toby:
Yeah.

Josh:
I need to come in under the cover of business.

Toby:
'Cause you're a straight shooter.

Josh:
Yeah. I need a point of friction. An issue where the feministas and the White House disagree. That way, I can go to her, break the bad news, stand tough, smooth it over and then, you know, I take it from there.

Toby:
How about the word "feministas"?

Larry:
[Reading a book that an ex-reporter wrote about the White House] "Bartlet was playing a round of golf with Toby Ziegler, the prickly communications director, whose bitter inner darkness spelled the breakup of the one marriage we know about."

C.J. :
It was miniature golf, wasn't it?

Toby:
Yeah.

Leo:
This is five hundred and thirty-five Congressmen and Senators standing up and saying the President lied and should be ashamed of himself. And this is us, standing up and saying 'You're right.' This would be the first time in history a President has been censured. Congress isn't talk radio - it's the seat of democracy. Their opinion matters, and their condemnation doesn't have to come with handcuffs to be devastating to this President. That is the force and effect. And it's not gonna happen 'cause of me.

Bartlet:
[to Leo] I was wrong. I was. I was just...I was wrong. Come on, you know that. Lots of times we don't know what right or wrong is but lots of times we do and come on, this is one. I may not have had sinister intent at the outset but there were plenty of opportunities for me to make it right. No one in government takes responsibility for anything anymore. We foster, we obfuscate, we rationalize. "Everybody does it." That's what we say. So we come to occupy a moral safe house where everyone's to blame so no one's guilty. I'm to blame. I was wrong.

Sam:
I think you should. I think ambition is good. I think overreaching is good. I think giving people a vision of government that's more than Social Security checks and debt reduction is good. I think government should be optimistic.

C.J.:
[on the President] He's all right?

Leo:
He's about to be censured, and then he's gonna deliver the State of the Union, and then he's gonna run for reelection. My guess is, that there are some things on his mind.

Carol:
[after the State of the Union speech] Congratulations, boss!

C.J.:
Nice job. Take the rest of the night off.

Carol:
Yeah, it's one in the morning.

C.J.:
Well, you've earned it! Sam, Sam, the sunshine man. Get on the couch, I'm gonna do you right here.

Sam:
Okay.

C.J.:
Sorry, I was still talking to Carol.

Sam:
What is wrong with you?

C.J.:
We really don't know.

Sam:
Hey, I'm just, you know. Anyway, congratulations. And if you're serious about that thing with Carol, I can just sit in the corner and not even say-

C.J.:
[laughing] Get out!

Josh:
I'm seeing Amy again tonight.

Donna:
Second date?

Josh:
First date, really. Last night was more of a ... you know ...

Donna:
Scheme.

Josh:
Yeah.

Donna:
Good, 'cause the second date's usually where the wheels come off the wagon for you.

Sam:
[reading an excerpt rejected from the State of the Union speech] Over the past half century, we've split the atom, we've spliced the gene and we've roamed Tranquility Base. We've reached for the stars and never have we been closer to having them in our grasp. New science, new technology is making the difference between life and death, and so we need a national commitment equal to this unparalleled moment of possibility. And so I announce to you tonight that I will bring the full resources of the Federal Government and the full reach of my office to this fundamental goal: We will cure cancer by the end of this decade.

C.J.:
So, the 4-H convention.

Toby:
We're not going.

C.J.:
I don't get it. How can you not want to see the butter cow?

Toby:
I'm that way.

C.J.:
You understand it's a life-size cow made entirely of butter.

Toby:
We're not going.

C.J.:
There's also a butter Elvis and a butter Last Supper which has, I swear to God, Toby...

Toby:
Butter on the table?

C.J.:
It's got butter on the table right there between butter James and butter Peter, an almost mind-blowing vortex of art and material that dares the viewer to recall Marcel Duchamp.

Toby:
How do they keep it from melting?

C.J.:
How, indeed.

Nancy:
Toby, you have a phone call in the staff cabin.

Toby:
Thank you.

C.J.:
Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter.

C.J.:
Duchamp was the father of Dadaism.

Toby:
I know.

C.J.:
The da-da of Dada.

Toby:
It's like there's nothing you can do about that joke. It's coming, and you just have to stand there.

C.J.:
I'm the wrong Democrat to talk to about affirmative action.

Toby:
Why?

C.J.:
Because... After my father fought in Korea, he became what this government begs every college graduate to become. He became a teacher. And he raised a family on a teacher's salary, and he paid his taxes and always crossed at the green. And any time there was opportunity for career advancement, it took him an extra five years because invariably there was a less qualified black woman in the picture. So instead of retiring as superintendent of the Ohio Valley Union Free School District, he retired head of the math department at William Henry Harrison Junior High.

Toby:
I was a telemarketer for about a week. I can't remember what we were selling, but you worked off a script. "Hi. Good evening. My name is..." And "Toby Ziegler" was okay for New York, but once I got into the other time zones, I needed a name that wasn't gonna bother anybody.

Bartlet:
Toby, if you have something to say, please say it.

Toby:
Ritchie's good for all time zones.

Bartlet:
My family signed the Declaration of Independence. You think I've got an ethnicity problem?

Toby:
Well, the line isn't between light skin and dark skin.

Bartlet:
Yeah?

Toby:
It's between educated and masculine. Or Eastern academic elite and plain-spoken.

Bartlet:
It's always been like that.

Toby:
There's always been a concern about the two Bartlets. The absent-minded professor with the 'Aw, Dad' sense of humor. Disarming and unthreatening. Good for all time zones. And the Nobel Laureate. Still searching for salvation. Lonely, frustrated, lethal.

Ainsley:
How about this? We drop out of the UN entirely and use the 926 million to take everyone in the country out to brunch?

Toby:
Well, how about when we, instead of blowing Iraq back to the 7th century for harboring terrorists and trying to develop nuclear weapons, we just imposed economic sanctions and were reviled by the Arab world for not giving them a global charge card and a free trade treaty? How about when we pushed Israel to give up land for peace? How about when we sent American soldiers to protect Saudi Arabia and the Arab World told us we were desecrating their Holy Land while ignoring the fact that we were invited? How about two weeks ago, in the State of the Union, when the President praised the Islamic people as "faithful" and "hard-working" only to be denounced in the Arab press as knowing nothing about Islam, but none of that is the point… I don't remember having to explain to Italians that our problem wasn't with them, but with Mussolini. Why does the US have to take every Arab country out for an ice cream cone? They'll like us when we win! [long pause] Thousands of madrasas teaching children nothing, nothing, nothing but the Koran and to hate America. Who do we see about that? Do I want to preach America or Judeo-Christianity? No. If their religion forbids them from playing the trumpet, so be it. But I want those kids to... look at a globe. Be exposed to social sciences, history, some literature. They'll like us when we win.

Bartlet:
Well, I guess we talked about a lot of things: who we think the Republican challenger is gonna be, and incumbency, and campaign strategy - strategic overview, but the long and short of it is, my father never liked me, at all. [long pause]

Dr. Keyworth:
Well, at least we're closer to my area now.

Bartlet:
Yeah, I thought you'd enjoy that.

Dr. Keyworth:
Use me, don't use me, but all I can offer you is this: I'll be the only person in the world, other than your family, who doesn't care that you're the President. Our time is up.

Dr. Keyworth:
Mr. President...If you were any other patient...

Bartlet:
Say what you'd say to any other patient.

Dr. Keyworth:
I'd say, screw around if you want, but it's your money, it's about to be my money, and I sleep fine.

Sam:
Celia, I asked Ainsley, and she said she didn't mind at all. Plus, Charlie said he's fine with it.

Celia:
Charlie's a man.

Charlie:
Damn right.

Ainsley:
Sam.

Sam:
Yes.

Ainsley:
We need to be clear we're not going to take a bath when other countries can afford to take on more.

Sam:
Yes.

Ainsley:
This is important.

Sam:
I also think it's important to make it clear that I'm not a sexist.

Charlie:
And that I'm all man.

Ainsley:
You're Celia?

Celia:
Yes.

Ainsley:
He's not a sexist.

Celia:
If you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.

Ainsley:
I'm sorry?

Celia:
I said I'm surprised you're willing to let your sexuality diminish your power.

Ainsley:
I don't even know what that means.

Celia:
I think you do.

Ainsley:
And I think you think I'm made out of candy glass, Celia. If somebody says something that offends you, tell them. But all women don't have to think alike.

Celia:
I didn't say they did and when somebody said something that offended me, I did say so.

Ainsley:
I like it when the guys tease me. It's an inadvertent show of respect I'm on the team and I don't mind it when it gets sexual. And you know why? I like sex.

Charlie:
Hello.

Ainsley:
I don't think whatever sexuality I may have diminishes my power. I think it enhances it.

Celia:
And what kind of feminism do you call that?

Ainsley:
My kind.

Bonney:
It's called Lipstick Feminism. I call it Stiletto Feminism.

Sam:
Stilettos?

Ainsley:
You're not in enough trouble already?

Sam:
I suppose I am.

Celia:
Isn't the point that Sam wouldn't have been able to find another way to be chummy with a woman who wasn't sexually appealing?

Ainsley:
He would be able to, but that isn't the point. The point is that sexual revolution tends to get in the way of actual revolution. Nonsense issues distract attention away from real ones: pay equity, child care, honest-to-God sexual harassment, and in this case a speech in front of the U.N. General Assembly. So, you, [to Sam] 25% on the assessments for Category A. [To Charlie] You...I don't know what your thing is. [To Celia] And, you, stop trying to take the fun out of my day. With that, I'm going to get a cupcake.

Sam:
Well, for the moment, I'm going to do what she's telling me to do.

Toby:
That's a beautiful chess set.

Bartlet:
It's a gift for you.

Toby:
Really?

Bartlet:
Yeah, it's hand-carved. It belonged to the Prime Minister's grandfather, who used it to play with Lord Mountbatten.

Toby:
I'm surprised that she gave it away.

Bartlet:
Nah, we boosted it on our way out of the palace. I've got some little bottles of shampoo and conditioner, too.

Charlie:
Look, C.J.-

C.J.:
You'll find it in your filing cabinet under A for anal.

Larry:
I don't really wanna know what he's going to find in his filing cabinet, do you?

Ed:
No.

Leo:
What are you doing?

Josh:
Just trying to get a little pizza in an uncivilized world.

Leo:
It's not easy being you, is it?

Bartlet:
Let me tell you, you're really showing me something tonight. A lot of spunk, a lot of pluck. This game isn't all about size, you know. There's a little thing called heart and you've got it, my friend.

Toby:
You know what, old man? The very minute they swear in the next guy, you and I are going round and round.

Bartlet:
Check.

C.J.:
So, how long do you usually make people your bitch?

Charlie:
Depends.

Abbey:
You really planned this all yourself.

Bartlet:
I'm like Gatsby but without the problems.

Lord John Marbury:
Abigail! May I grasp your breasts?

Bartlet:
I'm standing right here!

Abbey:
You may kiss my cheek.

Lord John Marbury:
Abigail.

Bartlet:
Now it's a party.

Abbey:
Oh. Yes, your lordship.

Lord John Marbury:
Your breasts are magnificent.

Abbey:
Oh. Um... thank you, John.

Lord John Marbury:
May I inquire, Mr. President - the first thing that attracted you to Abigail - was it her magnificent breasts?

Abbey:
It was.

Bartlet:
You know John, there are places in the world where it might be considered rude to talk about the physical attributes of another man's wife.

Lord John Marbury:
My god. Really?

Bartlet:
Yeah.

Sam:
I need you to tell me everything you can tell me about the Superconducting Super Collider.

Professor Milgate:
How much time do we have?

Sam:
About ten minutes.

Professor Milgate:
If you pay very close attention, stay very, very quiet - I can teach you how to spell it.

Abbey:
Amy.

Amy:
Yes, ma'am?

Abbey:
C.J. and I are gonna get drunk. Come on.

Amy:
Yes, ma'am.

Josh:
You're going?

Amy:
The First Lady just asked me to get boozy with her. You don't think I want to write a book one day?

Senator Enlow:
If we could only say what benefit this thing has. No one's been able to do that...

Professor Milgate:
That's because great achievement has no road map. Well, the X-ray's pretty good. So is penicillin. Neither were discovered with a practical objective in mind. I mean, when the electron was discovered in 1897, it was useless. Now we have an entire world run by electronics. Haydn and Mozart never studied the classics. They couldn't-they invented them.

Sam:
Discovery

Professor Milgate:
What?

Sam:
Discovery is what-that's what this is used for. It's for discovery.

Josh:
[on Bartlet's slight to Ritchie] Why do you think this one's so hard to spin?

C.J.:
'Cause it's the classic Washington scandal. We screwed up by telling the truth.

Josh:
All right. Let's try not to do that too much.

Tabatha Fortis:
Nice office.

Toby:
Exactly sixty-three feet from the Oval Office. If you don't think we measure, you're out of your mind.

Sam:
By the way, my Princeton Tigers could whip your Cal Bears any day of the week.

C.J.:
At what?

Sam:
Logarithms possibly.

C.J.:
Let me explain something to you. This is sort of my field. The people on these sites? They're the cast of One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. The muu-muu-wearing Parliament smoker? That's Nurse Ratched. When Nurse Ratched is unhappy, the patients are unhappy. You? You're McMurphy. You swoop in with your card games and fishing trips -

Josh:
I didn't swoop in, I came in the exact same way everyone else did.

C.J.:
Well, now I'm telling you to open the wardroom window and climb on out before they give you a pre-frontal lobotomy and I have to smother you with a pillow.

Josh:
[pause] You're...?

C.J.:
[nodding] I'm Chief Bromden, yes, at this particular moment. I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that website. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass - What?

Josh:
Technically, I outrank you...

C.J.:
So far up your ass!

Josh:
Okay.

C.J.:
Okay.

Tabatha Fortis:
[to Toby] You think I think that an artist's job is to speak the truth. An artist's job is to captivate you for however long we've asked for your attention. If we stumble into truth, we got lucky, and I don't get to decide what truth is.

Donna:
I shall do those things.

Josh:
You shall?

Donna:
I shall... and I'll tell you what I'd like in exchange.

Josh:
How about a weekly salary of some kind?

Donna:
Yes, plus a favor.

Bartlet:
Can I tell you what's messed up about James Bond?

Charlie:
Nothing.

Bartlet:
Shaken, not stirred will get you cold water with a dash of gin and dry vermouth. The reason you stir it with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice. James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it.

Bartlet:
I love doing this.

Charlie:
Really?

Bartlet:
Yeah.

Charlie:
Filing tax returns?

Bartlet:
Yeah.

Charlie:
Okay...

Bartlet:
What?

Charlie:
I was just thinking about the plurality of Americans who made the decision to pull a lever that had your name next to it.

Bartlet:
Suckers.

Charlie:
They're saying I owe the federal government money?

Bartlet:
And you don't even need a stamp. Hand it over.

Charlie:
There's a mistake.

Bartlet:
Whatever. Hand it over.

Bartlet:
[on the phone to Donna's former teacher] It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs. Morello. I've got a few questions. When you taught Beowulf, did you make the kids read it in the original Middle English or did you use a translation?

Mrs. Morello:
We used a translation, Mr. President.

Bartlet:
Okay. We're going to call that the James Bond version.

...

Bartlet:
[whispering] Tell her where you are.

Donna:
Mrs. Morello, I am standing in the Oval Office and it is because of you.

CJ:
[about the treatment of women in Saudi Arabia] Outraged? I'm barely surprised. This is a country where women aren't allowed to drive a car. They're not allowed to be in the company of any man other than a close relative. They're required to adhere to a dress code that would make a Maryknoll nun look like Malibu Barbie. They beheaded a hundred and twenty-one people last year for robbery, rape, and drug trafficking. They have no free press, no elected government, no political parties. And the Royal Family allows the Religious Police to travel in groups of six carrying nightsticks and they freely and publicly beat women. But 'Brutus is an honorable man.' Seventeen schoolgirls were forced to burn alive because they weren't wearing the proper clothing. Am I outraged? No, Steve; no, Mark; no, Chris: that is Saudi Arabia, our partners in peace.

Nikolai:
It is freezing too cold in Reykjavík. It is freezing too cold in Helsinki. It is freezing too cold in Gstaad. Why must every American President bound out of an automobile like as at a yacht club, while in com...

George:
Comparison.

Nikolai:
Comparison, our leader looks like... I don't even know what word is.

Sam:
Frumpy?

Nikolai:
I don't know what "frumpy" is, but onomatopoetically, sounds right.

...

Sam:
It's hard not to like a guy who doesn't know 'frumpy,' but knows 'onomatopoeia.'

Admiral Fitzwallace:
Mr. President.

Bartlet:
Fitz! Fitz, you old polecat, you old so-and-so.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
Trying to be "one of the fellas," sir?

Bartlet:
Yeah.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
Well, well done, sir.

Sam:
[on the President] Any trip over eight hours, he tends to fire somebody at the end of it, and the last three times it's been me...

Admiral Fitzwallace:
Wait a second, hang on. You're telling me that foreign policy of this magnitude is conducted through Sam, and I'm still alive?

Sam:
We're pretty impressed ourselves, Mr. Chairman.

Sam:
[holding up an envelope] What's this?

Ginger:
I don't know. It's marked "personal."

Sam:
You don't know who sent it?

Ginger:
There's no return address.

Sam:
Think it's porn?

Ginger:
I don't know.

Sam:
'Cause I'm pretty tired, but if it's porn-I mean really good porn-by the way if my innocent joking's making you uncomfortable in any way-

Ginger:
No, I'm hoping it's porn.

Bruno:
This isn't bad, Sam. Let me show you bad. [they walk out to where all the TVs are running the ad]

Sam:
Oh, God.

Bruno:
It's on free media. Everywhere. All day, all night, for free. You got played, Sam. And you forgot that all warfare is based on deception.

C.J.:
There's no way you're letting me walk out the door, so what is it we're doing?

Simon:
I'm sorry?

C.J.:
What's your plan for me?

Simon:
I don't have a plan.

C.J.:
Are you gonna let me drive myself home?

Simon:
No. [holding up something] I've got your spark plug. Is that what you meant?

C.J.:
You've got my spark plug?

Simon:
And your battery. Fuel pump, starter relay, timing belt, the ignition fuse. And well also the engine, I guess.

C.J.:
Did you leave me anything?

Simon:
Wiper fluid. You can clean your windshield. No, actually, you need the battery.

C.J.:
Anything else, Agent Sunshine?

Simon:
It's Special Agent Sunshine, but that couldn't matter less.

Bartlet:
I'm not going to the bunker. There are going to be people who aren't going to the bunker, and when I get out I'm not going to be able to tell them what to do anymore and I like doing that. Let's get Abbey to New Hampshire but I'm not going to the bunker. And if you say I have to, I'm walking across the alley with the Chief Justice and I'm handing John Hoynes my resignation. And as soon as he's sworn in I'm telling him to appoint me his Vice President because I'm not going to the bunker. If the agents come, the agents come, but tell Ron he'd better bring more than a couple of guys.

Leo:
I know it was a screw-up, but I loved how he stormed into it, full speed, bam, like there's now a Sam Seaborn-shaped hole in the wall.

Leo:
We spent millions of dollars developing a pen for the astronauts that would work in zero gravity. Know what the Russians did?

Toby:
Used a pencil?

Leo:
They used a pencil.

Bartlet:
[about replacing Mrs. Landingham] So it's been a year. Why don't you organize the search, you know for a new Executive Secretary.

Charlie:
Yes, sir. Absolutely.

Bartlet:
I may not like the first couple of candidates. It may take a while.

Charlie:
No, I don't imagine you're going to hire somebody sir, but this is a step in the right direction.

Donna:
Eliminating the term 'north' from North Dakota is an important state issue and the President feels it should be resolved on a state level. While the President is sympathetic towards the cause and understands the large economics ramifications of this name change, he feels the issue is not yet ripe for national attention. The President wishes you well on your endeavors and thanks you for your support.

Man:
Uh, Miss Moss? Are you aware that studies clearly show the word 'north' leaves the impression that this state is cold, snowy and flat, significantly depressing tourism and business startup.

Donna:
With due respect, sir, your average temperature is 7 degrees. Your average snowfall: 42 inches, and a name change isn't going to take care of that.

Woman:
We enjoy roughly the same climate as South Dakota. We took in 73.7 million in tourism revenue last year. They took in 1.2 billion. They have the word 'south'.

Donna:
Also Mount Rushmore.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
I don't know who the world's leading expert on warfare is, but any list of the top has got to include me and I can't tell when it's peacetime and wartime anymore.

Leo:
Look, international law has always recognized certain protected persons who you couldn't attack. It's been this way since the Romans.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
In peacetime.

Leo:
Yes.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
The Battle of Agincourt...this was the French fighting against the British archers. This was like a polo match. The battles were observed by heralds, and they picked the winners. And if a soldier laid down his arms, he was treated humanely...

Leo:
Yeah.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
And the international laws you're talking about...this is where a lot of them were written, at a time and in a place where a person could tell between peacetime and wartime. The idea of targeting one person was ridiculous. It wouldn't have occurred to the French to try to kill William Pitt. That all changed after Pearl Harbor-

Leo:
I don't like where this conversation's going...In the Situation Room, Fitz...

Admiral Fitzwallace:
We killed Yamamoto. We shot down his plane.

Leo:
We declared war...

Admiral Fitzwallace:
If Dietrich Bonhoeffer had been successful...

Leo:
...and the plot to kill Hitler was an internal rebellion.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
...there would have been statues built of an assassin. We'd've had to explain that to our kids!

Leo:
I'm going to get back to the office.

Admiral Fitzwallace:
We measure the success of a mission by two things: was it successful and how few civilians did we hurt. They measure success by how many. Pregnant women are delivering bombs! You're talking to me about international laws? The laws of nature don't even apply here! I've been a soldier for thirty-eight years, and I've found an enemy I can kill. He can't cancel Shareef's trip, Leo. You've got to tell him, he can't cancel it.

Bartlet:
[to Gov. Ritchie] In the future, if you're wondering, "Crime. Boy, I don't know" is when I decided to kick your ass.

Sam:
[when Ritchie is late] If ninety percent of success is showing up, we're just happy there's someone standing up for the other ten.

Sam:
He [Gov. Ritchie] said that this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment.

Toby:
I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not one person there who's ordinary.

Sam:
I know.

Toby:
You making fun of the Yankees?

Sam:
Uh...no...

Toby:
Now?