Titus, Season 3

Ken:
What's your hurry? Your fifteen kids will still be waiting for you when you get home.

Castro:
[sarcastically] Si, señor. But first I have to go feed the donkey, put on a big sombrero and fall asleep underneath a tree. [back to normal] You racist Irish drunk. [Castro and his team walk off.]

Ken:
Now that's my kind of Mexican!

Ken:
Oh, by the way; shorts that go all the way down to your ankles - pants!

[Tommy has used the words "daquilicious" and "skosh" in conversation.]

Tommy:
Oh, my God. "Daquilicious." "Skosh." I'm a homo!

Titus:
*spit-take*

Ken:
Fruits have the same rights as normal people. It's not like they're from Vietnam.

(Christopher introduces his dad to Roger, a black boy)

Titus:
Hey, Dad, this is Roger. He just moved into the neighborhood.

Ken:
Oh, that explains it. First time I ever saw a black man take a TV into a house.

(Ken Titus's 10th Christmas)

10-Year-Old Ken Titus:
A toy puppy! Thanks, Mom.

Grandma Titus:
Aw, damn it. I forgot to put holes in the box. Well, play with it today, 'cuz tomorrow, it'll be hard.

Titus:
I wish everybody had a mom like mine.

Prosecutor:
A mother who kills people?

Titus:
Person. She killed one person. You make it sound like a hobby!

Tommy:
Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?

Grandma Titus:
Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?

Tommy:
I'm not gay.

Grandma Titus:
Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.

Grandma Titus:
George Washington crossed the Delaware River to get to the whores!

Dave:
Delaware is famous for its whores.

(after Titus saves Amy from attempting suicide by swallowing pills and drinking alcohol)

Titus:
Vodka and pills? (a beat): I told you to stay out of my Dad's earthquake kit.

[Titus is facing off against Shannon's husband Stefan.]

Titus:
Listen, Tommy, you do anything to hurt Shannon, you're gonna have to deal with that Swede and, uh...Dad, what are we, German-Irish?

Ken:
White. That's all that matters.

(the audience groans and Erin stares at Ken in shock)

Erin:
[offended] Papa Titus!

Ken:
In society's eyes, I'm saying!

[Hanging from a tree, Titus falls and gets caught in another tree.]

Dave:
That's justice, Titus! Tree justice. The mighty oak strikes back!

[Titus looks around at his surroundings.]

Titus:
It's a spruce!

Titus:
You said I was the worst possible result of an orgasm!

Ken:
You took that as an insult?

[after Nicky's water breaks; two neighbors who can help don't get along]

Christopher:
Is everybody here missing a chromosome?

Nicky:
Hey, I live here. And anybody with a forehead that big shouldn't be making chromosome jokes.

[Titus frowns and feels his forehead]

Ken Titus:
Come on, let's go! I'm out of booze and sober is nipping at my heels!

Nicky:
Oh, boo hoo! I've got a watermelon nipping at my crotch!

Ken Titus:
Now I'm hungry. [to diner owners] Can I get a fruit plate?

Erin:
You want him to have your kind of fun. You need to go have his kind of fun.

Titus:
[confused] You want me to rip myself a new one?

[Ken goes bust at the blackjack table.]

Ken:
Damn it! The wussy must be here!

[Tommy's gay father, Perry, shows up.]

Ken:
Shouldn't you be out there dancing with the construction worker, the cop, and the Indian?

(Tommy is threatening to stab Ken with a knife)

Titus:
Tommy, I get it. I remember the first time I tried to stab my dad with a knife. Welcome to the family. (to Ken): You got this.

Ken:
Yeah.

(scene flips to Ken threatening to stab Tommy)

Titus:
And that's what happened the first time I tried to stab my dad with a knife.

Titus:
Do you know what my first thought was when I heard my mother killed herself?

Titus/Ken:
Did she take anyone else out with her?

Stewardess:
Sir, were you smoking in the bathroom?

Ken:
[through a cloud of smoke] Define... "in the bathroom."

[The FBI believes that the Titus family to be a terrorist group.]

Erin:
We can't plan a hijacking! Listen, we can't even plan a wedding.

[straight cut to Titus]

Titus:
Oh, we planned the wedding. We didn't plan on my mom killing her husband at the wedding. That was Mom's idea. She didn't know what to get us.

Titus:
If you asked them to kill Gerald Ford, only two of them would do it.

[cut to Dave]

Dave:
So, he wants Ford dead...

[A boy at school has been harassing Erin's niece Amy.]

Titus:
I hate bullies!

Tommy:
You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!

Titus:
What's your point?

Titus:
(opening narration) Normal people who grow up with compassion never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway, or putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. But screwed-up people who weren't coddled or raised with compassion? Ho-ho! We get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but we're (choked up) very happy. Why can't you love me, Daddy?!

Titus (after Amy's mom, Kim, passes out face-first into the cake):
Well, Amy, make a wish and blow out your mom's hair.

Amy:
I don't want you here!

Erin:
Amy, we've invited all your friends. It's gonna be a party!

Amy:
It's gonna be a "Look, Amy lives in garbage!" party.

Titus:
Exactly. It's got a theme.

Amy (sarcastically):
My popularity will soar. (to Erin): Maybe I'll even make head cheerleader like you, Aunt Erin, and peak at 17.

Titus (defensively):
Hey, have a little respect for someone who went out of their way to get you a lice comb.

Titus:
"Losing builds character." You know who said that? A loser.

Titus:
Being a superhero is hard work. You have to wear those rubber tights in the summer when it's hot. Ehh. You have to hide who you really are by pretending you're the caring, supportive boyfriend. You have to make sure that no one discovers the true identity of... Your-Dream-Is-Stupid Man!

Titus:
Erin never does things halfway. You should see her eat ribs. She's like a dingo with a baby.

Titus:
"To: Titus, From Dad". My dad's a new man. He learned that forgiveness is better than hate and vengeance. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women: you just can't keep having them.

Erin:
Isn't there something you always wanted from your dad?

Titus:
A "do not resuscitate" order?

Titus:
Oh, my dad always sugarcoats the truth, kinda the way a stray lawn dart sugarcoats your drunken uncle's neck at the family picnic.

Ken's wife:
Does this dress make me look fat?

Ken:
When you're too fat, I'll let you know. Your stuff will be out on the lawn.

Titus:
Vengeance is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the daisies. But, you need something really bad to take vengeance for. Like, your girlfriend hogs the chocolate milk, no. But, your girlfriend drags you into therapy and lets your family secretly watch while you weep, well, I think even the daisies want to kick a little girlfriend ass.

Shannon:
People screaming in the front yard. It must be a Titus family party.

Titus:
My mom's not a bad person. She just has bad people living inside her. She's very creative in the way she hurts people. She could've been famous, but she wouldn't sign the Batman-Villain release form.

Titus:
Erin's the kind of woman who can rip your head off and make you feel like a bad boy. God, that's sexy. (shrugs) I'm damaged.

Titus:
A reckless accusation can ruin a person's life, any person's like my high school rival, Mario Copono from Fremont, California. His life would suck if somebody went on national television and just said out loud that he prances around in women's underwear. Man, I hope that never happens to...Mario Copono of Fremont, California.

Titus:
Mental illness is a chemical imbalance that can make you hallucinate, hear voices, be insanely happy, or horribly depressed. It's actually the same symptoms of being in love. [Picks up Erin's picture] And you can never know how love is gonna go, and you're never gonna know when love ends. [Places it face down on the ledge] But you need to know that love is never over, ever, because there are 3.5 billion men in the world and 3.5 billion women. [Takes off his shirt and puts on a sombrero] And if you're bisexual, you have no excuse to not be happy. [Goes to shut off the light as usual, but holds back] You know, that she's weapons-trained... why is that so sexy?

[He leaves through the door, letting it shut behind him.]