Top Cat

Top Cat:
[first lines] Alright, you guys, settle down. With a little luck, they may never find out we're aboard. We can sleep here every night, mingle with passengers during the day. Benny can slip us some food from the dining room. We'll have a ball. Okay, Spook, what was in that suitcase?

Spook:
Currency, like, various denominations, like, money.

Top Cat:
Like, money? Wow, it is money! By the law of finders-keepers, we are rich.

[Benny is startled by a knocking from his bags]

Top Cat:
Hey, Benny! Open the trunk, Benny, and let us out!

[Benny opens his trunk and finds the whole gang stuffed inside]

Benny:
Well, for goodness sakes! You're all packed in like sardines!

Top Cat:
Sshhh, Benny, not so loud. We're traveling incognito, you get what I mean?

Benny:
Is that better than tourist class?

Top Cat:
Step right up, folks. This is it, the big time in the big top where for a slight fee you'll see right before your very eyes the most daring, unbelievable high trapeze act ever attempted. I call your attention to stage right for the start of this death-defying act.

Brain:
Uh, nobody said anything about defying no death to me.

Top Cat:
This brave performer will swing across the street, catch his partner and swing back, all without a net.

Choo Choo:
Now he tells me.

Top Cat:
Okay, maestro, if you please.

Benny:
Right. [plays drumroll]

Officer Dibble:
Hey, what's that crowd doing in the alley? Top Cat must be up to something.

Brain:
The least T.C. could have done was let us rehearse this once.

Officer Dibble:
500 alleys in New York, and I gotta have one with a nut in it. [Brain catches him] What in the.

Top Cat:
Officer Dibble! Excuse me, folks. I gotta go water the elephants.

Choo Choo:
I'm ready, Brain! [sees Brain holding Officer Dibble] Officer Dibble, what are you doing here? Everybody wants to get in the act.

Officer Dibble:
Brain, I'm warning you. Put me down or I'll run you in. Okay. [drops Office Dibble as he lands on the trash can]

Man:
It wasn't much, but he sure is game.

Officer Dibble:
That did it. Now I'm really sore. Old Dibble is on the warpath. And when I find that Top Cat, the feathers are gonna fly!

Top Cat:
Wrap a towel around your head, Benny.

Benny:
Is it alright to wear Turkish towel if I'm an Indian?

Top Cat:
Sure, Dibble won't know the difference. The closest he's ever come to royalty was once when he had a pair of kings playing poker. [laughs]

[TC gets the horse on the S.S. Africa, which departs for its namesake]

Benny:
[tearfully waving goodbye] He was a good horse, a real nice horse. And he so loved to have his picture taken... and I don't even have one of him.

Top Cat:
There, there, Benny, it's all right. That horse is out of here and we're in the clear. And it's all for the best. Your horsey will be all right in Africa, meeting its distant relatives like zebras, camels, llamas... OH NO!

[the horse climbs on port, having jumped ship and swum back]

Top Cat:
Well, it finally happened. We finally landed a million-dollar deal. Only instead of making it, we OWE it!

Top Cat:
I feel sick... sick... sick... sick sick sick sick sick!

Top Cat:
I tell ya that Dibble will never learn to be firm with the sergeant. Dib just hasn't the knack. The savoir-faire. The stiff upper lip.

Benny:
He's not like you, T.C.

Top Cat:
Thanks, Benny.

Benny:
You got plenty of lip.

[Cue laughter from Choo Choo.]

Dibble:
It's called, um... if you'll pardon the term. "Naked Town."

Benny:
Oooooh, what he said!

Top Cat:
Don't encourage him, Benny.

[the gang is being chased by mobsters]

Choo Choo:
What do we do, T.C.?

Top Cat:
We'll get some police protection!

Choo Choo:
How? There isn't a cop in sight!

Top Cat:
That's what you think, there's always one behind a billboard! [he proves his point by driving behind a billboard and chasing out a startled cop]

[the diamond goes under a steamroller]

Top Cat:
[calling the driver] Hold it, hold it...! [a crunchy crush is heard] Oh, no! [He presents the fragments of the diamond to the jeweller] Look at it this way, Mr. Stiffany: it saves you the cost of a cutter! Just think of all these sparkling jewels, ready to capture the hearts of young ladies... Here you are with my compliments, and, ah, forget the reward... [Mr Stiffany bursts into tears]

Officer Dibble:
[about Top Cat] I'm sure he'll use his share of the reward to pay an outstanding restaurant bill.

Top Cat:
It's got to be here, fellas, it's got to be here! Keep looking... and keep digging!

Benny:
[walking through the snowy alley and wearing a hawker box] Step right up, folks! Who's next? Only five cents apiece, and they're going fast! Step right up and form a line, folks! Hey, T.C.? This is your last chance!

Top Cat:
[looking out of his trash can] Look, Benny, can't you see I'm busy freezing? What are you doing out in weather like this anyway? And what's my last chance?

Benny:
Your last chance to buy a frozen Fudgsicle!

Top Cat:
Sorry, try me next summer. [Slams lid, then looks out again] Frozen Fudgsicle? What are you, some kind of a nut or something? Benny, I realize you never finished kindergarten, but certainly you know that nobody sells frozen Fudgsicles in the winter.

Benny:
That's just it, T.C. No competition. I'll clean up! [lick's Top Cat's toes]

Top Cat:
[laughs] TICKLE SPOT!

[the anteater is eating the gang's belongings, including a banana, an apple, and Top Cat's watch.]

Top Cat:
The verdict is unanimous. No pets! Especially not ones with ten-foot tongues!

Top Cat:
[impersonating Dibble] Hi, Sarge. What're you doin' besides warming the chair? Sure it's Dibble. Who else would tolerate your incompetence?

[Dibble reads the note found with the baby]

Top Cat:
Okay, Dibble, you satisfied?

Officer Dibble:
Alright, so he was abandoned and you found him. Now hand him over!

Top Cat:
But Dib, we were going to adopt the kid ourselves!

Officer Dibble:
Are you kidding? YOU guys?

Benny:
We'll take care of him, honest! Chooch knows how to handle diapers!

Officer Dibble:
Oh, sure, pal. And what are you going to teach him, roulette?

Brain:
We could take him to night school and put him through some courses...

Officer Dibble:
Sorry, fellas. There's laws about recovering lost property and abandoned kids come under that heading.

Top Cat:
[poking Dibble] But...

Officer Dibble:
We take the kid in and find him a new home.

Top Cat:
[poking Dibble] But...

Officer Dibble:
Furthermore, before you can adopt a baby you have to be shown as a legal hardworking citizen, with a regular fixed income!

Top Cat:
Oh, boy...

Officer Dibble:
[loudly] Now will you cut out the stalling and give me the kid?

[the baby starts crying much to Benny and Choo Choo's horror]

Benny:
Now you did it, now you woke up Charlie.

Officer Dibble:
Charlie?

Choo Choo:
We named him you Officer Dibble.

Top Cat:
Yeah, Dib. We figured you might want to be the kid's godfather.

Officer Dibble:
No kiddin'. That's real nice, you guys. But the baby's got to be taken in. It's regulations. [walks off] Come on, let's go.

Top Cat:
[leaning against the fence] Okay, Benny. Dibble's gotta make his pinch for the day. At it might as well be someone he can handle. Give him the baby.

Choo Choo:
Gee, I wish I could be tough and hard like T.C. He's got nerves of steel. Nothing upsets him.

Spook:
Yeah, he's one real cool cat, man.

Top Cat:
Hey, Benny...

Benny:
Yeah, T.C.?

Top Cat:
[weeping softly] You got a hanky I can borrow?

Benny:
Sure, T.C. Here.

[to the amazement of the gang, Top Cat wipes his face on the handkerchief]

Top Cat:
Well? What's the matter with you guys? Haven't you ever seen anyone with something in his eye before?

Choo Choo:
[offscreen] Sure we did, T.C. But not you.

Spook:
Man, ain't this heat a gas?

Top Cat:
Where were you?

Spook:
Like, I was making the public library scene.

Top Cat:
You were reading a book?

Spook:
Well, like, I was faking it, but this book is so far out, I got hooked. What a crazy, mixed-up story.

Choo Choo:
What was it about, Spook?

Spook:
Well, it starts out about an aardvark and ends up with everybody playing the xylophone.

Top Cat:
What's it called?

Spook:
"Under a Bridge with Dick and Harry."

Top Cat:
"Under a Bridge with Dick and Harry?" Let me see that. [looks at the book] That's "Unabridged Dictionary"! What's the matter with you? That's nothing but words!

Spook:
Oh, I thought it was kinda freeform.

Top Cat:
Benny is the last of the all-day suckers, that's what. He has just been baited, bagged, buncoed, conned, heisted and flimflammed!

Top Cat:
Fancy, don't slop the paint so much. That's it. Now, curve it to that side street.

Fancy-Fancy:
[while painting] This is the job for me, T.C.! I'm an expert on curves!

Top Cat:
Brain, the wanted poster gimmick up yet?

Brain:
Eh, just about, T.C., but I hate to do this to Cha-Cha Charlie. I think he's better looking than the Mayor!

Top Cat:
Well, stockholders, you requested a clarification of our company's position, so have a look. [the line goes up and down until it reaches the ground] We'd be even lower, but I ran out of room. Gentlemen, I hate to shake you up, but by now a depression would be an improvement.

Brain:
[clapping his hands] Here, here!

Top Cat:
As board chairman, may I move that the gentleman from the west side shut his yap?

Top Cat:
Fellas, do you know where we are? Cape, and get this, Canaveral!

Spook:
Canaveral?

Benny:
You mean where they... "whoosh!"

Top Cat:
Uh-huh!

Choo Choo:
And get this: they "whoosh!" with us in the "whoosh!"-ster!

[Top Cat receives a crate of bananas from Africa]

Top Cat:
[reading an attached note] "Compliments from a wide and grateful family. Signed, Eek-Eek."

Choo Choo, Benny, Fancy-Fancy, Brain, Spook:
"Eek-Eek"?

Officer Dibble:
What's all this "Eek-Eek" stuff?

Top Cat:
Oh, the boys got a touch of indigestion. Have a banana, Dib...

Officer Dibble:
Who're the bananas from?

Top Cat:
Oh... they're from an anthropoid!

Officer Dibble:
An anthropoid? That's nice. But getting back to chimpanzees, I'll always remember Marvo.

Top Cat:
[holding a banana] So will I, so will I! And why shouldn't I remember him? [eats the banana] After all, he remembered me!

Top Cat:
For the first time in my life I think I'm gonna faint! [faints]

Benny:
Hey Top Cat! Wake up! Talk to me! You still have a few days left! Gee, I better get him back to the doctor. We gotta keep him gone.

Top Cat:
[inside the trash can] I hate to pry, sir, but what's happening?

Officer Dibble:
[carrying the can] You know that Hudson River cruise you wanted T.C.?

Top Cat:
You mean...?

Officer Dibble:
Yeah! I'm gonna let you have it! [tosses the can into the truck, and it drives away] Bon voyage, Top Cat! [laughs as he is satisfied about Top Cat leaving]

Benny:
I don't think she likes us, T.C...

Top Cat:
That was the understatement of the year, Benny. But who cares? It's Chooch I'm worried about!

Fancy-Fancy:
Yeah, he probably heard everything!

Brain:
He's nowhere around, T.C.!

Spook:
Yeah, like he may have gone to... [makes a "gun to the head" hand gesture]

Top Cat:
Spook! Wash out your mouth with soap!

Top Cat:
All that work for nothing! Oh, boy...

Brain:
Where are you going, T.C.?

Top Cat:
[holding Choo Choo's boulder] I'm gonna pick up where Chooch left off! Goodbye, cruel world!

[Officer Dibble rushes up]

Officer Dibble:
[grabbing the boulder] Hold it, Top Cat! You ain't getting away from me that easy!

Top Cat:
Oh, come on, Dib, can't I even drown in peace?

Officer Dibble:
Forget the lake, T.C.! You're going up the river! Now throw that rock away NOW!

Top Cat:
Throw away the rock. Okay, you're the law! [he chucks the boulder over the bridge, and Dibble goes with it and looks down] Oh, I'm so sorry about your uniform, sir! I hope it doesn't shrink!

Officer Dibble:
[soaking wet] I'll get you for this, T.C.! I'll see that you get thirty days!

Top Cat:
I better shake him before he kills himself!

Choo Choo:
But gosh Top Cat.

Top Cat:
It's the moment of decision: do we want other moochers movin' in and moochin' in our moochery? No, we must make a stand. And most of all, remember, it's not for us... it's for Tony and all the zebras in Africa.

[the gang makes a surveillance report to Top Cat]

Top Cat:
[seeing a groaning Benny] Oh, no, you blew it...

Choo Choo:
Sorry, T.C. He got run over by a piano.

Top Cat:
Run over by a piano? How do ya get run over by a piano?

Brain:
What are we going to do, T.C.?

Top Cat:
I don't know, but we'll think of something. Come on, let's go...

[Dibble drives up in his car]

Officer Dibble:
Hey, fellas... get in. Come on, come on, we're wasting time!

Top Cat:
Gosh, Dib, I don't know what to say. You got me.

Officer Dibble:
Skip it, T.C.! I figured you guys needed a vacation too.

[the gang get into Dibble's car]

Officer Dibble:
[holding a hat full of coins] Gambling again, huh?

Top Cat:
Oh, that's just a collection. One of the girls in the office is getting married.

Officer Dibble:
That doesn't make any sense!

Top Cat:
I know it and you know it, but try and tell her!

Officer Dibble:
[last lines] Oh, and send an ambulance, Sarge. An art lover just fainted.