Top Gear, Series 18

Jeremy:
Has anyone here seen the theory test? Anybody?

Audience:
Yeah.

Jeremy:
You have? Because most people of our age haven't, and none of the questions have got anything to do, as far as I can work out with driving. Now let me - can I give you some examples? [looks briefly at Hammond] You can answer this. "An elderly person... [gestures to himself] An elderly person's ability could be affected because they may be unable to...?"

Richard:
Eat toffees.

Jeremy:
No.

James:
Get an erection. [laughter]

Richard:
[looks at Jeremy's jeans] Wear jeans! [laughter]

Jeremy:
Funny. "Where's the safest place to park your vehicle at night?"

James:
In a police station. [laughter]

Jeremy:
Right, we've got a picture here. We'll bring up this picture. [screen shows school keep clear markings] Right. When - This is a real question, OK? "You must not stop on these road markings because you may obstruct... what?" [laughter]

Richard:
Landing aircraft!

Jeremy:
I mean, seriously, that is a question. He's managed to fail 92 times on that one.

Richard:
Those are not questions to pass your driving. Do any of them say, for instance, can you drive a car?

Jeremy:
No, no. I'm in the book now. This is what you buy your teenage child when they're learning to drive. "At an incident, a small child is not breathing. To restore normal breathing, you should breathe into their mouth, A sharply, B gently, C heavily, D tenderly?" [laughter]

James:
It doesn't say "tenderly"!

Jeremy:
I made "tenderly" up. Nothing to do with driving!

Jeremy:
What I love about this, though, is it's called the Kubang, which, being a Maserati, is the noise it'll make the day the warranty runs out!

Jeremy:
I bring all this up, OK, because when did it happen that somebody decided that driving was so unbelievably hard, you can't do it while doing something else? You know like listening to Ken Bruce's pop master, or talking on the phone. Honestly, I can't think of anything that I couldn't do while driving... apart from reading a broadsheet newspaper. I wouldn't be able to do that.

Richard:
Sawing a piece of wood.

Jeremy:
I could do that.

Richard:
You can't, you'd need to hold your wood - [making sawing movement]

Jeremy:
No, no, you put it between your legs. You can still operate the pedals. You could saw.

Richard:
Um, sewing on a button. You need both hands to really do this fiddly -

Jeremy:
I could do that.

Richard:
You could not!

Jeremy:
I could!

Richard:
You know you can't sew on a button with a hammer?

Jeremy:
I know how to sew. Actually, while we're on the subject, did you see that case recently... a woman who was stopped by the police after they caught her driving down a motorway while... causing herself to have pleasure. [laughter]

James:
I bet you can't drive in a sleeping bag. [laughter] Actually, I'm not sure. Actually, I'm going to take that back. I think you could drive in a sleeping bag if you, if you...

Richard:
You couldn't drive in a sleeping bag.

James:
I bet you - I bet I could.

Richard:
You can't!

James:
I bet I could drive in a sleeping bag.

Jeremy:
Right, there you go. Right, you're on! Some time this week, before next week's show, I'll take you on round the track. You drive in a proper cocoon sleeping bag with your arms in it...

James:
Yeah...

Jeremy:
And race me, and I'll sew a button on my shirt.

Richard:
Oh let me guess... I've got to drive whilst performing an act on myself.

[laughter and applause]

Jeremy:
No.

Richard:
It'd be a short race!

Jeremy:
We'll leave you out of it.

Richard:
Can we make it a 50 yard sprint - [breaks down to laugh]

James:
It's just suddenly hit me, that I'm driving across Italy in a supercar, and I've got another one to look at!

Richard:
Oh, no, he's going on the phone. Oh, no. Oh, no...

Tow truck driver:
[speaking Italian on his phone]

Richard:
Well, that's that, then.

Tow truck driver:
OK?

Richard:
OK! Yeah. ...Still, it is under four hours to Rome. ...Just.

Man:
[speaks Italian]

[subtitle:
What the f*** is this guy on about?]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight, I do a skid. Richard steals some tyres. And James get kicked in the face.

[On The Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he's the only man in Britain who knows what B&Q stands for. And that he can't give his million-pound bonus back because he's already spent it... on French breast implants. All we know is... he's called The Stig.

[While test driving the XF15OZK-4]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Having mastered the gearbox, it was time to open up the single-cylinder 12-horsepower engine.

[Both Jeremy and James lean back unwillingly & repeatedly every time Jeremy speeds up]

James:
The acceleration just... is blinding! It's like a safety device. You accelerate too hard, your feet come off the pedal.

Jeremy:
Hold on to your spine. [over rough roads] Ah!

Jeremy:
I mean, 2004, this car was launched.

James:
If I'd shown this to you and asked you when it was built, when would you have said?

Jeremy:
1957.

James:
I would say it was older than me.

Jeremy:
Yeah.

James:
[over rough roads] Ow! Ow!

Jeremy & James:
Poor quality!

Jeremy:
Come on, redeeming feature, James. There must be a redeeming feature.

James:
Uh... It's character-building.

Jeremy:
No, 'cause I mean this...

[Engine suddenly dies]

Jeremy & James:
Oh, no!

Jeremy:
[after failing to restart the engine] I think our test drive's over.

[On Chinese Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say he's the Stig, but he isn't. He is the Stig's Chinese cousin. [Chinese Stig kicks open a door behind them] Now, I should explain, driving is his second favourite thing.

James:
What's his first favourite thing?

Jeremy:
Attacking people. He does it a lot. He's constantly at it.

[Chinese Stig proceeds to attack Jeremy, James, the director and the camera crew until Jeremy and James persuade him to go into the Guangzhou Trumpchi]

Jeremy:
That's the worst Stig we've ever had.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight, I drive around a field. James measures a runway. And Richard lays a cable.

Jeremy:
So you're saying, the Fiat Panda's good because it crashes more easily?

[Laughter]

James:
Yes.

[On The Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he has 50,000 photographs of his own camera. [laughter] And that 60 years ago this week, he, too, became a queen.

Jeremy:
So bearing in mind you can't jump off a bridge without breaking your back, was skydiving the perfect hobby to - to take up? [laughter]

Ryan Reynolds:
God, you're like my mother!

Jeremy:
Old enough!

Ryan Reynolds:
Just killing me! My friends were trying to get their license, so I decided I would get my license, skydiving, and I did 12 jumps, which were all highly successful.

Jeremy:
And then it was 13.

Ryan Reynolds:
And the 13th one, I had a problem, where the chute didn't open, and I had to pull the reserve. But the weird thing is, when you're in a situation like that, you're flying down at 120 miles per hour, and when your chute doesn't open,you seriously have to think about pulling the other one. That's the weird thing. Like time slows down and you're thinking,

"But if I pull the other one, then I'll have none left." [laughter] "So, I'm just going to wait to see if something happens."

And sure enough, at the last minute, I pulled the reserve chute, which you can't steer, and I ended up landing in a field which ironically contained only a dead horse. I don't know what omen that is. Usually, it's a black crow that tells you you're going to die, but I just landed next to a dead horse.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight, I wear a hat. James wears a hat. And Richard is behind a low wall.

James:
This is a 1928 Le Mans-bodied 4.5-litre Bentley. Brian really does use this every day - he uses it to go down the shop for a pint of milk.

Brian Johnson:
Go on, me son! Born to do it!

James:
[voiceover] Despite the mangled gear changes, I was very much enjoying living in the past.

James:
I can feel a moustache growing! God, the smell is tremendous. Hot castor oil. Well-known laxative, I'll probably have diarrhoea by the time we get there.

James:
[voiceover] Brian, however, wasn't coping so well with living in the future.

[In the Fisker Karma]

Brian Johnson:
Oh, Christ, now what happens? I'm getting near the bottom of me battery level, oh my word. Right, now... And... That means I have to do something, and I'm... Bugger. What... What the heck is that? I'm trying to follow James's instructions, which were as clear as mud.

[James is seen driving past in the Bentley from inside the car]

There he goes, flying by with his thumb up! He's having a whale of a time and I'm trying to figure out this computer thing.

[On The Stig]

Jeremy:
To find out, we need a man skilled in the potent cocktail of big horsepower and little grip. And luckily, just such a man is arriving now. He's not the Stig's Alpine cousin, he's just The Stig.

[The Stig is seen arriving in a hovercraft]

Apparently he's come all the way across the North Sea in that.

[upon seeing James turn up on his mobility scooter, resembling a wheelchair] Jeremy:
Crikey! Stephen Hawking has arrived.

[Jeremy's out-of-control Pro Rider mobility scooter is seen going down hill and eventually crashes into some trees while off camera Jeremy helplessly shouts a meme]

Jeremy:
Fenton! Fenton! Fenton! Oh, Jesus Christ!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight, Maserati brings some V8 thunder to our track, Mercedes brings some smoke and we wave goodbye to Saab.

Richard:
James then said he reckoned he could drive a lap of our track in a car, whilst in a sleeping bag.

Jeremy:
Can you?

James:
Well, let's find out.

Jeremy:
Oh, here we go.

James:
Here I am driving along, in a Suzuki Swift, exactly as you were.

Jeremy:
And are you wearing normal clothes, James?

James:
No, I'm in a sleeping bag!

[from inside the car]

Shuffling wheel. Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

Jeremy:
Now just tell me, was it easy?

James:
There was only one problem actually...

[from inside the car]

That blithering idiot Hammond has turned the heater up to full blast because he thought it was funny. And of course I can't reach the knob.

[While test driving the Mercedes-Benz C63 AMG Coupe Black Series]

Jeremy:
Through the corners there's just no way that I can keep up with the man in the Maserati because he is driving a racing car and I... I'm wrestling a mad yellow bear! This, honestly, is Winnie The Pooh with road rage.

[In the Maserati GranTurismo MC Stradale]

Jeremy:
If you take the gearbox out of race mode and put it in everyday "going to the shops" auto, it sits down there, in the bowels of the car thinking,

"Now, he's just pulled that lever, that means I have to do something. What is it? I have to bake a cake? No... Mow the lawn? No... I know! I am a gearbox! He's pulled the lever, that means he wants third!"

It's so dim-witted and slow in normal mode, it makes the whole car feel like it isn't joined up properly.

[On The Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he is the only man in history to buy a DFS sofa when there wasn't a sale on. And that his favourite boxing venue is Munich Airport. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight, we get very cold and wet. I re-enact the Battle of Britain.

Alex James:
Oh, nuts.

Jeremy:
And there's a Blur in our reasonably-priced car.

[While waiting for Richard in his Morgan Threewheeler to pass by]

Richard:
Come on, my little three-wheeled friend.

James:
Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen.

Jeremy:
Here he comes

James:
Doff your hats. Roll out the barrel.

Jeremy & James:
[dancing and singing Any old iron] Any old iron, any old iron, any, any, any old iron...

Richard:
I am going to give it the full Stirling Moss. Ya-a-ah!

Jeremy:
Did you see him clinging on with his elbow? You could see the sinews in his arm.

James:
The sound is from the 1930s. Did the picture go black and white as he went past?

Jeremy:
I'm not having you judging.

James:
What?

Jeremy:
You can't play a game of Monopoly without cheating.

Richard:
No, you can't. He did cheat at Monopoly.

Jeremy:
I played these two at a game of Monopoly and he [points at James] cheated!

Richard:
We played for four hours and you cheated!

James:
I did not cheat!

Richard:
You ruined the game! You made it - you robbed the bank!

James:
There was a... [laughter] There was a bank robbery. But you don't get those in Monopoly and I thought it would make it more authentic if the bank was robbed.

Jeremy:
What?

Richard:
You stole it!

James:
I've played the role -

Richard:
So you're a cheat, a liar and a burglar!

[On The Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he stores all his shoes and his cassette tapes on the motorway central reservation. And that since he can easily stay quiet for two hours, he's wondering why he didn't win an Oscar. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight, Raikkonen...

Kimi Raikkonen:
Oops.

Jeremy:
Evans...

Chris Evans:
Can't believe it.

Jeremy:
Slash... and bash, as we do proper motor racing.

[While Jeremy goes over his favourite quotes from Kimi Raikkonen]

Jeremy:
There was the famous one when Michael Schumacher got his lifetime achievement thing in Brazil, from Pele, and Martin Brundle said, "Did you see the ceremony?" You said no because...

Kimi Raikkonen:
I was busy. [laughter]

Jeremy:
"Taking a dump," is what you said.

Kimi Raikkonen:
I mean, I told the truth, a true story, so...

Jeremy:
I fell off my chair laughing! [laughter] I like this one. "The helmet has a special meaning for many drivers. How important is it to you?" You said, "It protects my head."

Jeremy:
You stole the hat?

Slash:
Yeah. Then I went next door and stole a poncho belt and cut it up and put it around the top and I've been wearing it ever since.

Jeremy:
You do know this show is shown in America?

Slash:
It's OK. It was long enough ago that the statute's up by now.

Jeremy:
OK, so you're going to get away with the stolen hat. There's some gossip we didn't know. Slash wears stolen clothing.

Richard:
Why does it say 1 + 2 = 2?

Jeremy:
[voiceover] And, with that sorted, we got to know the other drivers.

Jeremy:
I notice from the entry sheet you're all called Gary. [laughter]

Girl:
I'm not! [laughter]

Jeremy:
Yes... Do you mind if I call you Gary, just to keep everything clear?

Girl:
No, that's fine. Just keep it simple.

Jeremy:
OK, but who is called Gary? [two men raise their hands] You're Gary, you're Gary and you're both in my class?

James:
You are racing in Gary class... [laughter] so you are Gary Clarkson.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Next up in the stock hatch class was Professor Richard Hammond, who was still trying to get to grips with the scoring system.

Richard:
Six plus one equals one, because that's the result they carry forwards... which means I could end up in final C, which... C comes before A... I'm just going to drive around as fast as I can.

Jeremy:
Come on, Gary! Gary, I'm going to get you! I've got Gary up my chuff here and I'm trying to take Gary on the inside. [voiceover] Then the super-modified Garys put me in my place. [the car behind Jeremy rams him on to the grass] I may be off the track slightly here.

Jeremy:
James May is... there's no other word for it... winning! [literally after a few seconds, after another car rams him] Oh, he's gone off, look.

Richard:
[laughs]

James:
[in the car] Right, now I've got some racing to do. [turns on the wipers, only to smear more mud on the windscreen] Cock!

[After Slash performed Jessica at the end of the show]

Jeremy:
I'll tell you what. He's a lot better at that than he is at driving.

Richard:
And he's quicker!

[On Chinese manufacture of counterfeit products, including copying of car designs]

Jeremy:
[on the street, wearing a host of knockoff clothes] The Chinese are very good at this sort of thing. I'm speaking to you now from behind a pair of fake Ray-Bans, wearing a fake Armani jacket, carrying a fake Louis Vuitton bag in which we find a fake iPad and a fake iPhone. And if we consult my fake Omega, we see that it's twenty-five to three. Probably. Which means it's time to pop into the fake Starbucks over there for a cup of fake coffee. It seems then that the expression "copyright infringement" doesn't translate terribly well into Mandarin.

[in the news]

Jeremy:
One place I could never understand why people stopped at was Little Chef. Because what they did was they took ingredients, and then ruined them.

James:
I once stopped at a Little Chef very early in the morning and I said, "Can I have an omelette?" The woman said "No, I'm sorry sir, the powder hasn't arrived yet."

Jeremy:
I once dropped a sausage from my plate at Little Chef, and it bounced. They made it out of old squash balls!