Top Gear, Series 6

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Toyota's new small car, can it play football?; The new Range Rover Sport, can it outrun a 120mm tank shell?; And James Nesbitt, how will he get on in our reasonably priced car?

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]

Jeremy:
Listen to that noise! It's like Barry White eating wasps.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]

Jeremy:
Look - it's telling me the brakes have overheated and I should "Drive Carefully". [reluctantly] All right, I'll back it off to 140, but that's it. I'm having too much fun.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]

Jeremy:
Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]

Jeremy:
The back seats aren't terribly comfortable, but they'll do for a short trip to the golf club. And you would be going to the golf club actually, because the satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations and golf courses. Everything the modern Mercedes-driver needs...

Jeremy:
Our transport department is now being run by Darling and Ladyman. [...] Welcome aboard Mr Ladyman. Pop down anytime you like and bring Mr Darling with you.

[on the diesel option for the Range Rover Sport]

Jeremy:
You can't have this car with a diesel engine. It'd be like saying, "Well, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman...!" Yeah, but... [he grimaces]

[Starting Range Rover Sport vs. Challenger 2 Face-off]

Jeremy:
So here we are on the start line: Goliath and David... Beckham.

[During the Aygo Football segment]

James:
Door ball! That's not allowed!

[see Blue Aygo 2, with ball jammed inside door]

James:
Would the Element be a car for people who like hip-hop, or for people waiting for a hip-op?

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Old Jaguars, should you buy one?; Old BMWs, are they as well made as we think?; And old Mitsubishis, should you drive a car built by an aeroplane maker?

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say he's wanted by the CIA, and that he sleeps upside down like a bat... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[during the news, talking about the Greatest Driving Song]

Jeremy:
[to Richard] You! You went on Radio 1 this week, okay? He was on Radio 1, which is a small radio station for, like, four year olds, and he said that the best ever driving song was by a band called, what are they called, the baby-snatchers?

Richard:
The BodyRockers, you poor bewildered old fool!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] ...Oxford isn't a city, it's a bus lane.

Jeremy:
Oxford hates cars!

Richard:
[pointing to James' Jaguar] So it's really gonna hate this!!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Back on the road, it turned out Hammond's BMW wasn't all that healthy either. But, it did give him a new game to play...

Richard:
Ooh! Hold on a minute! I've got it! There's a problem with my brake lights. I have "Connect Three."

Jeremy:
[as Hammond overtakes him] That doesn't sound good.

James:
[voiceover] Ah, but Hammond wasn't going to steal the break-down honours from me! Help. [voiceover] With the others far in front, and out of sight, my wipers packed up.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Meanwhile, the Jag just kept pounding round. The only time it came into the pits was when the Captain's sense of direction broke down.

James:
No, I didn't mean to come in, I went the wrong way!

[on the Maserati MC12 achieving the fastest lap to date]

Jeremy:
You know, well, speed isn't everything... I can't believe I've just said that!

[on the endurance race]

Jeremy:
It's not the winning. It's not the taking part. It's just bashing Hammond!

James:
Motorsport is rubbish! [At the end of the coupes' race - 29/05/2005]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Two British sports cars with forged papers; Dr. Who is the star in our reasonably priced car; And I splash out on a seventies Roller.

James:
[On the Maserati Bora] Is molto bella!

[on the Wiesmann MF3]

Jeremy:
You see the body and you think it's going to be as advanced as mud - but honestly, it corners like a cylon interceptor.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and that he can catch fish with his tongue... we know him only, as the Stig.

[During the news]

Jeremy:
[On the Porsche Cayman] Porsche, the laziest design studio in the world!

Jeremy:
[On the smart fire car] You know that, erm, World's Wildest Police Chase thing that's on Channel 5 late at night (exaggerated American accent) "There's police chases from around the world!" And it's always a big V8 chasing a Corvette in Australia and America, then they go (American accent again) "We got a chase from the United Kingdom of England Land." And it's, "Oh no it's gonna be so embarrassing!" Sure enough it's a Vauxhall Astra with a big DIESEL sign over it. (Yorkshire policeman accent) "Ohh we're chasing this err BMX bike up the err A34." Oh this is going round the world, they're gonna laugh at us!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: I test the Cadillac CTS-V; Hammond tests the new BMW 3-Series; and we get three old ladies to test some small cars, because we couldn't be bothered.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say he is illegal in 17 U.S. states, and he blinks this way [motioning his fingers in a horizontal fashion]... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[after getting a call that his Ford GT has been stolen - while he's actually in it]

Jeremy:
If you shut this car down, I'm going to come down there and eat your heart!

[to Ford, via the camera, after his new Ford GT had broken down]

Jeremy:
If you don't mend it, I'm going to bone your dog!

[he then clarifies this as removing all of the dog's bones]

James:
For sale: BMW 528. 19K, VGC, TNT, FSH, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC. £15000, ONO [May playing with acronyms in his car advertisement]

Jeremy:
But unfortunately, its driver had become bored with waiting. [Clarkson walks up to the Audi S4 with the Stig asleep at the wheel and knocks on the windscreen] Stiggy! Wakey wakey! Listen. We're gonna do a race. Okay? You're going to drive the Audi, and see if you can get past the Cadillac. Okay?

[the Stig stares back through his helmet]

Jeremy:
[looking back at the camera] You think that's gone in?

[Jeremy has been looking in some boxes of Hammond's mum. He has now found something, and is practically wetting himself with laughter. He stumbles over to James whilst still laughing]

Jeremy:
James, look what I just found in Hammond's box. [shows James]

James:
[grimacing] Ooh...

Jeremy:
They're his publicity pictures! [to camera] Look at that! [flips picture]

James:
[mocking] Late-night love...

Jeremy:
[mocking, in "smooth" voiceover style] Late-night love on 96.3 Cleveland FM, with Richard Hammond. [flipping through pictures] But look...

James:
This is one of thirty radio stations and... [Jeremy finds the picture he's looking for] Oh! [tries unsuccessfully to stifle laughter] Hang on!

[both crack up]

Jeremy:
I can see why he gets the jobs hosting Crufts. [to camera] Ready, steady... [flips picture to reveal a younger Richard with wavy, shoulder-length hair, resembling a classical musketeer... James manages to splutter "Dogtanian!" before he and Jeremy completely dissolve into laughter.]

Richard:
[in the episode where their mums test three hatchbacks] Now we're just using boxes of old junk [lifts a box] cleared out of the mothers' lofts. You know, the kind of... the old tat that no one could possibly want, or... be prepared to read [holding up two of Jeremy's books and one of his solo videotapes]

[James's mother has just lapped the short circuit of their test track more than four seconds faster than Richard's mother]

Richard:
You know how there's this global speculation about the identity of The Stig?

James:
[Talking about the Peugeot 1007 electric doors] I think they were right about the Peugeot, because if we'd tested this we'd have spent all day with that button going "bzzzzt" and saying "Hey, this is like Star Trek!".

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: A Formula One world champion is the Star In Our Reasonably Priced Car; the Jaguar E-Type and the Aston Martin DB5; and the British Army shoots me in the face.

[On the Jaguar E-Type losing a drag race to the Honda Accord.]]

Jeremy:
(voiceover) It seems like a strange result. I mean, when Jaguar launched the E-Type they said it would do 150 miles an hour. So how could it lose to a Japanese box? Well, let me explain.

Jeremy:
They were lying!

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that his breath smells of magnesium, and that he's scared of bells... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[driving the new Mercedes Benz SLK while being shot by the Irish Guard snipers]

Jeremy:
I'VE JUST SOILED MYSELF!!!!!

[A few moments later...]

Jeremy:
I've been shot in the ear, the lungs, and there's a big mess in my pants!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Question Time comes to our Reasonably-Priced Car; Aston's DB9 racer comes to our track; and an offshore powerboat against a Mercedes SLR.

[On the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all of his legs are hydraulic... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

James:
I think I might have Norwegian wood!

[After spending a day with Richard on a ferry]

James:
I really enjoyed our day out together, Richard. It's not very often I get to take someone out for a nice dinner. [camera switches to Richard, who is now looking somewhat concerned]

[On whether Jeremy will get sleep on the Oslo race]

James:
Well I would, and you would, but I don't think Jeremy will because he'll become obsessed by [impersonates Clarkson] power and winning!

[On losing the Oslo race to Jeremy]

James:
What's the Norwegian for "Oh, Cock?"

[On the CDs he was given for the race to Oslo]

Jeremy:
[laughing] 101 classic speeches from... Mrs. Thatcher! [impersonating Thatcher] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this lady's not for turning.

[In a Eurotunnel train during the race to Oslo]

Jeremy:
I wonder what the fastest anyone has ever been... in a Eurotunnel train...? How tempting is it to... [depressing accelerator momentarily] No, no, no no. No, grow up!

Jeremy:
[After having the Eurotunnel train safety instructions start in French] Oh, we gotta have it in French! [pause] Start the train!

Jeremy:
Heathrow...To Oslo. I'm mad for doing this.

Richard:
If you ask to be piped aboard I'm throwing you over.

Richard:
I can't believe we're doing this again.

James:
Well I think we really should beat him this time. In fact, I'm going to run.

Richard:
Part of me wants that car to win, but all of me wants Jeremy to lose.

Jeremy:
Can I just say, when we were 50 miles from Oslo we were neck in neck. Okay? Absolutely neck in neck. I made it to Oslo, flew home and was half way through supper before these guys arrived at the finishing point. That's how badly it went wrong for them!

James:
Well, I have to say it wasn't the end, we don't even know what that place was called.

Richard:
A town. No idea.

James:
No idea.

Richard:
Just a place.

James:
Freezing cold.

Richard:
Yes.

James:
Nobody spoke English to us.

Richard:
No.

James:
And we had no money.

Richard:
No! And then there was a cash point and, that was unbelievable, it said 5000 kroner. Well how much is that? Do I buy a pencil sharpener or a car with that? And all I know is that's more than he [May] had because when he asked for that it said insufficient funds available. Which didn't go down well.

Jeremy:
[On the Alfa Romeo Brera] You can have a diesel, if you're the sort of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.

James:
[On voting for the greatest driving song] Research has shown, that voting for Meatloaf means you are 50% more likely to have no mates.

Jeremy:
That is true, actually.

Richard:
[On the Hummer aftershave] Splash it on and make him squeal like a piggy.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: a rock-star gets in a jam; attacking the Nürburgring in a van; and is a car faster than a man?

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[During the news]

Richard:
And the big news this week is Jeremy has been banned from driving for six months. Yes he has! [Audience cheers and applauds] I know! What do we do?

James:
I'm really sorry to disappoint you, but I have to point out that it wasn't his local magistrate that banned him, it was his doctor!

Richard:
It was and that's why it's taking him so long to get to the stage! [Jeremy slowly approaches the stage] Ooh, you look like you're in pain.

Jeremy:
Yes, I am. I have a top speed of one.

Richard:
What have you done?

Jeremy:
I slipped two discs in my back and they told me not to drive or write. Thank you so much for that! That's kind of what I do!

Richard:
[on the Ford Transit's 40th anniversary, and ways to celebrate the milestone] [...] however, nothing says 'Happy Birthday!' like rubbing Jeremy's face in it. [scene then leads into Sabine Schmitz's Transit attempt to beat JC's 9m 59s Nürburgring lap in a diesel Jaguar]

James:
[On voting for the greatest driving song] A vote for Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell will result in your internet service provider changing your domain name to 'loser'!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
On tonight's show: I drive the Audi TT Convertible, in Iceland; Richard drives the Nissan 350Z Convertible, in Iceland; And James drives the Chrysler Crossfire Convertible. Guess where?

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he's confused by stairs... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy:
Hello, and welcome to Top Gear. Now we get quite a few complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we're kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all.

Jeremy:
[On the Ferrari F430's various drive modes] And then CST, which turns all the driver aids off. Don't know what CST stands for... Commit... Suicide... Training..?

James:
I bet you any money he's come over to tell me he's stumped by that Chrysler.

Jeremy:
James? I'm stumped by that Chrysler.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Thunderberks are go; we attempt a World Record; and the most annoying car I've ever driven turns out to be one of the best.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy:
He's a hugely successful DJ, television presenter, and business man. And he achieved all this despite being born with a terrible affliction... [laughing] Ginger hair.

[Jeremy and James are discussing the Vauxhall Astra and Jeremy is lamenting its lack of grip to go with its very powerful engine]

James:
It's sort of exciting though, admit it.

Jeremy:
It's exciting in the same way as being shot at is exciting.

James:
[While driving someone] The interesting thing about the French nation, I think, because they are essentially peasants and Communists, is that they are quite good at the fairly small and fairly simple car.

James:
[On voting for the greatest driving song] However your home may be at risk if you vote for Meatloaf!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: James May thinks he's a racing driver; Richard Hammond thinks he's Jesus; and I think I'm going to be killed.

James:
I'd give... the rest of me year's salary... to see that sink [When Jeremy was on an Argocat amphibious vehicle]

[during the outdoor toys test]

Jeremy:
You do know why James is feeling more sedated than usual?

Richard:
Tired, scared?

Jeremy:
He's had an operation.

Richard:
Where?

Jeremy:
[whispers into Richard's ear] On his arse.

Richard:
Ooh! That's... gotta hurt!

Jeremy:
That's ...why [laughter]

Richard:
With the saddle and everything!

James:
[voiceover] It's true.

[Jeremy has managed to get his quad bike running]

Jeremy:
Well done, Mr Mole-Husband, you're off. [The quad suddenly stalls, and Jeremy becomes frustrated] OHHH GO-O-OD! I HATE THIS QUAD!!!

[on the high powered quad bike]

Jeremy:
This has a top speed - and I know this because I've done it - of one million miles an hour, a million! What really annoys me is that Hammond's gonna go, "Hey, it's really pretty, I can ride standing up and everything!" and I can't. Because I'm too tall and too old and too fat and I hate it!

Richard:
It has a 450cc, single cylinder engine that makes a thousand, million horsepower, and it's faster than light!

[talking about the hovercraft]

Jeremy:
Now, listen chaps, I have had the pleasure of driving one of these before and there are one or two things I need to tell you. First of all, okay, if you see an obstacle, like if we're going over there, if you see one of those trees coming towards you-too late, you're gonna hit it.

Richard:
Alright, okay.

Jeremy:
Well, you're not worried about that?

Richard:
Well, if that's what happens….

Jeremy:
You'll turn the handlebars, that won't make any difference-straight on, okay? So you think, "Alright, I'll lift off the power, the air will come out of the sack, it'll dig in and you'll be jettisoned at 50 miles an hour into the tree-

Richard:
Oh, so you hit the tree with or without the hovercraft.

Jeremy:
Yes, that's your choice.

[after falling off a hovercraft]

Jeremy:
I've been killed, I've definitely been killed.

James:
[Commenting on Dubai whilst there] I've got shirts older than this city.

Jeremy:
"Yes, Lucifer has come to our little world of milk and petrol." (Speaking of the BMW 535d allowed to come on TG's track, the first diesel powered car on their track, the "rule breaker")

James:
[On voting for Bat Out Of Hell as the best driving anthem ever] If you do choose to vote for Bat Out of Hell then we will come round and cut off YOUR electricity!

Richard:
If we were to go to one of those offroad centers-they're springing up all over the place, where you can rent stuff out and do what we did, what would you have? And I'm telling you straight-away, it wouldn't be the racing quads, because you might as well just say, "I'd like to rent some death, please, for the day!"

Jeremy:
Yeah, "I want to be dead within the hour!", "Certainly sir, have one of these!"

Jeremy:
[On which buggy was better] Question is, which one? Cause your Drakart…great fun, lots of sideways action-

Richard:
Hooligan-style!

Jeremy:
-but quite unsophisticated; it was like going sideways in scaffolding.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: James tries his hand at being Beethoven; Richard wrestles a rampaging bull; and I develop a sudden urge to marry my cousin.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he's terrified of ducks, and that there's an airport in Russia named after him... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[During the news]

Jeremy:
You told me the other day that your bike, whatever it is, sounds like you belching.

James:
No, I didn't.

Jeremy:
You did!

James:
No. What I said was the sound at low revs from the exhausts is like the sound that a burp makes when it's forming [pointing at his stomach] down here...

Jeremy:
I don't want to hear a forming burp going past my house on a Sunday afternoon, with someone dressed like a Power Ranger! I don't want that!

Jeremy:
(On the Ford F150) The worst car I ever drove was a Russian Jeep in Saigon. And the critical word in that sentence is "was".

[The trio have chained themselves to a bus, in a mock eco protest]

James:
What do we want?

Jeremy:
A Range Rover!

James:
When do we want it?

Richard:
As soon as we can arrange easy financing!

[on the Peugeot 407]

Jeremy:
Looks good but no, it'll fall to pieces. Made by people who eat onions!

[on the Mercedes SLK-55]

Jeremy:
Come on automatic gearbox, WAKE UP!

Jeremy:
[on the Ford F150] So, there are several small reasons why we don't need a pick-up like this and then there's the main one: it's rubbish.