Torchwood, Series 1

Jack:
There you go! I can taste it! Oestrogen. Definitely oestrogen. Take the pill, flush it away, it enters the water cycle. Feminizes the fish. Goes all the way up into the sky then falls all the way back down onto me. Contraceptives in the rain. Love this planet. Still, at least I won't get pregnant. Never doing that again.

Gwen:
But those people, last night - the people in the car, who are they? What's Torchwood?

PC Andy:
I dunno. Special Ops?

Gwen:
Yeah, but what does that mean?

PC Andy:
I'll bet you ten quid they're DNA specialists. It's all DNA these days. Like that CSI bollocks. CSI Cardiff, I'd like to see that. They'd be measuring the velocity of a kebab!

Jack:
And before we go any further, who the hell orders pizza under the name of "Torchwood"?

Owen:
Er, yeah, that would be me. Sorry, I'm a twat.

Jack:
And this is Ianto Jones [Ianto nods] Ianto cleans up after us, gets us everywhere on time.

Ianto:
I try my best.

Jack:
And he looks good in a suit.

Ianto:
Careful, that's harassment, sir.

Gwen:
But hold on, if no one can see it when the lift's coming up, there's a great big bloody hole in the floor. Don't people fall in?

Jack:
That is so Welsh.

Gwen:
What is?

Jack:
I show you something fantastic; you find fault.

Jack:
Alright, usual formation.

Gwen:
What's the usual formation?

Owen:
Varies.

Gwen:
How can the usual formation vary?

[at a scene where a man has just been vaporized after having sex with the alien-possessed Carys]

Tosh:
Oh, my God.

Gwen:
He just...

Jack:
[deadpan] Came and went.

Owen:
[snickers] Now that's how I'd like to go.

Tosh:
I'm sure we could arrange it.

Gwen:
So what's this supposed to do?

Jack:
I'm using satellite tracking data to determine the intra-trajectory of the meteorite.

Tosh:
He means he's trying to find out where it's come from.

Jack:
Hey! Sometimes a little technobabble is good for the soul!

[Gwen hears Carys crying and walks to the screen in amazement]

Gwen:
What are we doing, having Chinese while a girl fights for her life? We should be helping her.

Jack:
Actually, while we've been eating, the computers have been running a full bio-scan on Carys, profiling her blood, metabolism, organs, the works. So we can see what effect the alien is having on her. They've also been taking samples of the air in the cell, so we can analyse any change in the environment around her. Now, is that enough? Do you want more? 'Cause... gets kind of boring.

Gwen:
You've been hidden down here too long. Spending so much time with the alien stuff. You've lost what it means to be human.

Jack:
So remind us. Tell me what it means to be human in the twenty-first century.

[After finding Carys' ex as nothing more than a pile of dust]

Jack:
Tosh was right - she went straight for the ex-boyfriend. Lucky she's young; work your way through my back catalogue, we'll be here till the Sun explodes.

Jack:
This kid, Bernie. Where does he live?

Tosh:
Splott.

Owen:
Splott?!

Ianto:
I believe estate agents pronounce it "Sploe".

Bernie:
[to Owen after a chase] Don't hurt me, I've got asthma!

Owen:
I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm gonna bloody kill you!

Tosh:
[to Bernie's mother] Hi, is Bernie in?

Bernie's Mother:
[smoking a fag whilst dressed in PJ's] Friends of his are ya?

Tosh:
[looks at Gwen uncertainly] Yes...

Bernie's Mother:
[looks Tosh and Gwen up and down] Well, he's a robbing little bastard who's not setting foot in this house till he pays me the thirty quid he owes me. [slams the door in their faces]

Gwen:
What? I've got to do that again?!

Jack:
Someone does!

Owen:
Yeah... no offence but I think I can spot some obvious flaws in this plan!

Jack:
I'm sorry. You were the guys that gave up looking for a nineteen year old kid this morning! I thought you might be up for something more exciting!

Gwen:
No! No! It was as real as this! More real! I didn't just see that little boy! I knew what he was thinking! Like I was lost!

Owen:
Intense emotions can be part of a neurological event! Hallucinations? Dementia!

Gwen:
I wasn't hallucinating, Owen! And I'm NOT bloody senile!

Tosh:
All I'm saying is that once in a while I'd like to drive.

Owen:
Yeah, and all I'm saying is no.

Tosh:
Why not?

Owen:
Look I've shared cars with women before, I know what'll happen, there's an emergency, all raring to go, I jump in, what do I find? Seat's in the wrong position, rear view mirrors out of line, steering wheel's in my crotch. By time I've sorted all that out, aliens will have taken Newport!

Gwen:
What about a rota? Different people on different days?

Jack:
We're a secret organization hunting alien technology from an underground base, and you want a rota for who drives.

Gwen:
Just trying to help.

[finding Dr. Tanizaki dead and half converted]

Ianto:
Oh, my God! What happened?

Lisa:
His upgrade failed.

Ianto:
Was it an accident? [stops] Tell me you didn't do this...

Lisa:
I wanted to repay him for helping me - by removing the weaknesses of his humanity.

Ianto:
[horrified] What have you done? You've killed an innocent man!

Lisa:
It's alright--

Ianto:
It's not alright. They're going to come looking for me in a minute. If they find out what we've been doing...

Lisa:
I can deal with them.

Ianto:
Don't you go near them!

Jack:
[pointing his gun at Ianto] Did you know it was down there?

Ianto:
I put her there.

Jack:
[enraged] You hid a Cyberman within Torchwood?! And you didn't tell us?! What else are you hiding from us?!

Ianto:
: [scathingly] Like you care. I clear up your shit, no questions asked, and that's the way you like it. When did you last ask me anything about my life?

Gwen:
What the hell was that?

Owen:
What?

Gwen:
Snoggin' me.

Owen:
Last kiss for the condemned man. Embarrassing given we haven't been killed... [at Gwen's stare] What? It's not like I fancy you or anything!

Gwen:
I was on top of you, I could feel your hard-on.

Owen:
Yeah, well... You didn't exactly struggle, did ya?!

Ianto:
[pointing a gun at all of them] I've got nothing left to lose.

Jack:
There's always something left to lose.

Ianto:
[about Lisa] I'm going back in to save her. Anybody tries to stop me, I'll shoot them.

Gwen:
Ianto, put the gun down--!

[Jack disarms Ianto and points his gun to his head]

Jack:
You make a threat like that, you better be prepared to follow it through. [Ianto remains silent] See? You disobey me now, I really will shoot you.

Ianto:
Get off me!

Jack:
You want to go back in there? You go in to finish the job. If she's still alive, you execute her. [releases Ianto]

Ianto:
[crying] No way.

Jack:
You brought this down on us. You hid her. You hid yourself from us. Now it's time for you to stand as part of the team.

Gwen:
Jack...

Jack:
The girl you loved has gone. Your loyalty is to us now.

Ianto:
You can't order me to do that.

Jack:
You execute her, or I'll execute you both!

Ianto:
I won't do it. You can't make me. You like to think you're a hero, but you're the biggest monster of all!

Jack:
You shouldn't be here.

Ianto:
Neither should you.

Jack:
What you got?

Ianto:
Funny sort of weather patterns.

Ianto:
I blame it on magic mushrooms.

Jack:
What you do in private is none of our business.

[talking about his former love, Estelle's, visions of fairies]

Jack:
She calls them fairies. I don't.

Gwen:
What do you call them?

Jack:
Never really had a proper name.

Gwen:
Why not?

Jack:
Something from the dawn of time, how could you possibly put a name to that?

Gwen:
Are we talking alien?

Jack:
Worse.

Gwen:
How come?

Jack:
Because they're part of us. Part of our world, yet we know nothing about them. So we pretend to know what they look like. We see them as happy, we imagine they have tiny little wings and are bathed in moonlight.

Gwen:
But they're not?

Jack:
No. Think dangerous. Think something you can only half-see, like a glimpse, like something out of the corner of your eye. With a touch of myth, a touch of the spirit world, a touch of reality all jumbled together, old moments and memories that are frozen in amongst it. Like debris, spinning around a ring planet, tossing, turning, whirling... backwards and forwards through time.

[after the fairies kill Estelle]

Gwen:
It wasn't your dad that was in love with her all those years ago, was it? It was you.

Jack:
We once made a vow...that we'd be with each other till we died.

Owen:
I hate the countryside. It's dirty, it's unhygienic. And what is that smell?

Gwen:
That would be grass.

Owen:
It's disgusting.

Jack:
Seventeen disappearances within the last five months. Police are clueless.

Owen:
Now there's a surprise! [to Gwen] No offence, PC Cooper.

Owen:
What's the matter with a hotel?

Jack:
People are going missing- do you really wanna stay in a place run by strangers?

Owen:
Oh, 'cause sleeping outside's gonna be a lot safer!

Jack:
No other race in the universe goes camping - Celebrate your uniqueness!

Owen:
[looks helplessly at a tent] What am I supposed to do with this?!

Tosh:
[amused] Need a hand getting it up, Owen?

Owen:
If I did, I wouldn't ask you.

Ianto:
You're used to this, aren't you? That facial expression you all share. When things get a bit, out of control. Like you enjoy it. Like you get a high from the danger.

Tosh:
You want me to apologize for that?

Ianto:
Don't you ever wonder how long you can survive before you go mad, or get killed, or lose a loved one?

Tosh:
It's worth the risk, to protect people!

Ianto:
And who protects us?!

[pause]

Tosh:
God, I'm hungry.

Ianto:
You should've had that cheeseburger.

Tosh:
Not that hungry.

Jack:
You need to know something. A long time ago, I was pretty good at torture. I had quite a reputation as the go-to guy. My job demanded, at the time, see. So I know where to apply the tiniest amount of pressure to a wound like yours...

Cannibal:
Stop, you're going to kill me!

Jack:
It's in your power to make me stop. Just tell me what I need to know! 'Cause in ten seconds, I'm going to find a sharp object.

Tosh:
What's most amazing are the similarities with our own culture. But that can be horrible, 'cause we find lots of weapons and it just makes you think, "My God, everything wages war." It's not just a trait of ours, but a trait of existence. It makes you feel so hopeless! But then there are times-- We found this thing, it was about A-4 size, and it had all these symbols on it. And it took me about three months to translate, and it was a letter someone had written to his family, to his children, to say how much he was missing them! It just made me cry, because I thought, even across these unimaginable distances, there are fundamentals that stay exactly the same. And there's no one to talk to about this. I mean, the guys at work, they're great, but they don't see it the way I do.

Owen:
I started looking into devil worship and stuff from that era [the 1800s], see if there's anything about plucking out hearts, and would you believe it, there's nothing! They ate eyeballs, they drank blood, they had sex with animals, but they did not pluck out each others' hearts, because obviously, that would have been weird.

Ianto:
[thinking] Can't imagine a time when this isn't everything. Pain so constant, like my stomach's full of rats. Feels like this is all I am now. There isn't an inch of me that doesn't hurt. [out loud] I'm about to brew some of Jack's industrial strength coffee. Would you like a cup?

Tosh:
I'm... fine, thanks, Ianto.

[Tosh discovers Mary is an alien]

Tosh:
So, I'm shagging a woman and an alien.

Mary:
Which is worse?

Tosh:
Well, I know which one my parents would say...

Tosh:
Why couldn't I read your mind?

Jack:
I don't know. But I could feel you scrabbling around in there. [grins]

Tosh:
I got nothing. It's like you were, I don't know...dead. [Jack's grin fades]

Swanson:
At last, you must be Torchwood. My team bitch about you all the time.

Jack:
And you are?

Swanson:
Detective Swanson.

Jack:
Captain Jack Harkness. [shakes her hand]

Swanson:
So I've heard. Tell me something, are you always this dressy for a murder investigation?

Jack:
What, would you rather me naked?

Swanson:
God help me, the stories are true.

Owen:
If it's someone we've pissed off, that narrows it down to 4 or 5 million.

Jack:
And that's just the humans.

Jack:
Ianto, how many people have we given amnesia pills to?

Ianto:
Two thousand and eight.

Owen:
Hey, what if they all become psychotic?

Tosh:
[annoyed] Do you have to sound so happy?

Owen:
Yeah, I'm just saying-- Mean Streets!

Suzie:
"Captain, my Captain!" Do you want to know a secret? There's something moving in the dark and it's coming, Jack Harkness. It's coming for you.

Jack:
Thanks for doing this.

Ianto:
Part of my job, sir.

Jack:
No, I should be doing it. But... [sighs] One day, we're gonna run out of space...

Ianto:
[after a pause] If you're interested, I've still got a stopwatch.

Jack:
So?

Ianto:
Well, think about it...lots of things you can do with a stopwatch.

Jack:
[thinks for a moment, then grins] Oh, yeah! Heh...I can think of a few.

Ianto:
There's quite a list.

Jack:
I'll send the others home early, see you in my office in ten.

Ianto:
That's ten minutes... [clicks stopwatch button] and counting. [Jack starts to walk away] Oh, Jack? What do you want me to say on the death certificate?

Jack:
Good question.

Ianto:
She had quite a few deaths in the end.

Jack:
I don't know. 'Death by Torchwood'.

Ianto:
I'll put a lock on the door. Just in case she goes walking again.

Jack:
Nah. No chance of that. The Resurrection days are over, thank God.

Ianto:
Oh, I wouldn't be too sure. That's the thing about gloves, sir. They come in pairs.

Eugene:
[Opening narration] The speed of light is 299,792,458 meters per second. Pain travels through the body at 350 feet per second. Even a sneeze can reach a hundred miles per hour. And as for life? Well... that just bloody whizzes by.

Gwen:
What was [Eugene] doing out on that road?

Owen:
Oh, f*** knows. Categorizing chevrons? He was a geek.

Gwen:
Do you think Eugene committed suicide?

Tosh:
It was a road accident, there was no alien tech involved.

Gwen:
See, I'm not so sure. Something feels very odd. I just feel... like there's something going on...

Owen:
Marvelous. Thank you for that Disney moment.

Eugene:
The average life is full of near misses and absolute hits. Of great love and small disasters. It's made up of banana milkshakes, loft insulation and random shoes. It's dead ordinary and truly, truly amazing. What you've got to realize is, it's all here, now. So breathe deep and swallow it whole. Because take it from me: life just whizzes by, and then, all of a sudden, it's--

[Diane examines the automatic doors]

Diane:
How did it do that?

Ianto:
It's automatic. It knows you're there.

Diane:
But how?

Ianto:
There are wave-bouncing detectors which emit high-frequency radio waves and then they throw reflections -

Diane:
[looks into the store] Bananas!

Ianto:
...Of course, bananas are far more interesting.

Emma:
How much food money do I have left?

Ianto:
£15.40. [Emma immediately grabs various confectionery items] £12.10. You'll ruin your teeth.

Emma:
You sound like my mum.

[John Ellis picks up a copy of a magazine with a woman in her underwear on the front]

John:
Good God!

Ianto:
Welcome to the wonderful world of scantily-clad celebrities.

John:
There are children around!

Ianto:
She's a children's TV presenter.

[John replaces the magazine with a shocked expression]

Gwen:
Emma's parents are a bit religious.

Rhys:
Oh, er...Better not tell them you saw my morning glory, then, eh!

[At a scene where a man has been killed by a weevil, The Crazy Frog Ringtone sounds]

Tosh:
Is that his...?

Jack:
[annoyed] You don't think I would choose that ringtone?

[Owens phone rings]

Owen:
This is Owen's voice-mail, don't leave a message.

Jack:
Nice try, Owen, I want you back at the hub immediately. We've got a Weevil murder, so get your bony little ass over here now.

Jack:
Okay Janet [the Weevil], time for a trip out.

Tosh:
You call it Janet?

Jack:
Barbara just never seemed right.

Owen:
I didn't want saving.

Jack:
You want us to apologize?

Owen:
For a few seconds in that cage, I felt totally at peace... And the you blunder in. Do you always know best, Jack? Is that what you believe?

Jack:
I went to war when I was a boy. I was with my best friend. We got caught crossing the border over enemy lines. They tortured him, not me, because he was weaker. They made me watch him die. And they let me go.

Captain Harkness:
Who were they?

Jack:
The worst possible creatures you can imagine. I persuaded him to join up. I said it would be an adventure. He hadn't lived.

Captain Harkness:
Have any of us?

Ianto:
You have to let Diane go. Like I did with Lisa.

Owen:
Don't compare yourself to me. You're just the tea boy.

Ianto:
I'm much more than that. Jack needs me.

Owen:
[scoffs] In your dreams, Ianto. In your sad wet dreams when you're his part time shag, maybe.

Owen:
World didn't end after all, did it? Good job you're a crap shot.

Ianto:
I was aiming for your shoulder.

Tosh:
He would have been so proud that you took his name. 'Cause here you are, saving the world. To Captain Jack.

Jack:
To Captain Jack.

Ianto:
"And I heard but did not understand and I said, 'Master, what is the end of all things?' And he said, 'Go, Daniel, for the things are closed up and sealed until the end of time.'" Daniel 12, verse 10.

Gwen:
Sounds a bit close for comfort.

Owen:
This machine's in the blink, keeps losing power. [to Ianto] Sorry, don't let me stop your portents of doom. Or have you finished?

Ianto:
No. Plenty more where that came from. Abaddon, the Great Devourer, who'll lead the world into shadow.

Jack:
Yeah, thanks, Ianto. I could do without the superstition; You people love any story that denies the randomness of existence.

Ianto:
...Yeah, thanks for that. That makes me feel better.

Jack:
Under any other circumstances, an exuberant Roman soldier would be my idea of a perfect morning.

Andy:
Do you think this is the end of the world?

Gwen:
Oh, Andy, don't be silly. Do you think the world's gonna end on your shift?

Andy:
I've seen you use that smile on a lot of people.

Gwen:
What smile?

Andy:
That smile you use to reassure people, when deep down, you know everything's gone to shit.

Jack:
[scathingly] You're a united front now. Toshiko, the poor girl who'll screw any passing alien that gives her a pendant. Owen, so strong he gets into a cage with a weevil, desperate to be mauled. Ianto, hiding a cyber-girlfriend in the basement - Your three comrades pumped bullets into her, remember?

Gwen:
Jack, calm down, I just need to save Rhys.

Jack:
Yeah, 'cause you're so in love with Rhys, you spend half your time in Owen's bed.

Gwen:
F*** you! [punches Jack]

Gwen:
So, what sort of vision did you have? We all saw people we loved, asking us to open the Rift. Who did you see?

Jack:
Nothing. I didn't see anyone.

Gwen:
Jack? What visions would have tempted you?

Jack:
[sighs] The right kind of Doctor.

[Jack leaves. He walks through the Hub, then stops. He bends over with a wide grin on his face in front of the hand in the jar. The hand is bubbling and glowing. The sound of a TARDIS materializing fills the room and blows paper around. Jack grins and runs offscreen (later continuing to Utopia). Gwen walks in as we hear the TARDIS start to materialize.]

Gwen:
Jack!

[The TARDIS noise fades away as the others walk in and notice the mess]

Owen:
I thought we tidied up in here.

Gwen:
Did any of you see Jack on your way in?

Ianto:
No. Why?

Gwen:
Something's taken him. Jack's gone.