Ugly Betty, Season Two

[At a natural disasters shoot.]

Betty:
There is no one here who cares about changing the inside. They only care about fixing the outside.

Wilhelmina:
What's stumpy up to now?

Betty:
This concealer here, this isn't gonna change the fact that she doesn't have a house. And this, this eyeliner isn't going to bring back the people you loved. These women have lost everything and there is not enough styling gel in here to change that! [walks off]

Sheila:
You know what, she's right. There's not enough styling gel.

Amanda:
Hey, what's different about you? You get your hair cut?

Betty:
I'm wearing an eyepatch.

Amanda:
You didn't always have that?

Amanda:
I haven't gained that much weight. You can't even notice. [leans over the desk to answer the phone as Wilhelmina walks in]

Wilhelmina:
Morning, Marc, Betty.

Amanda:
[about Fey] I just stare at her picture all day and then I stare at myself in the mirror.

Marc:
More than usual?

Amanda:
Yeah.

[Amanda has been given Fey's dog.]

Amanda:
Suddenly I'm a caregiver. That is so not who I am.

Marc:
It's true. You're a bit of a monster on the inside.

Marc:
[to Amanda] Okay, can we forget about your father and focus on your mother and what being Fey Sommers' daughter will get us, and by us I mean you, and by you I mean me.

Amanda:
Those are the DNA results.

Daniel:
So... um, how many times you think we...

Amanda:
A lot... But just remember: if your dad's DNA does match mine, we're only half brother and sister, which means if we did it like twenty times, it was only wrong ten.

Daniel:
Okay, that actually made sense to me... Oh, my God. You are so my sister!

Gio:
[to a model] Okay, chicken and cheese special on a baguette, no cheese, no chicken, no baguette. I just sold her a plate of lettuce for seven bucks!

Betty:
Yes, but that's for breakfast, lunch and dinner, so really it's a bargain!

Betty:
So, you're new. What happened to Robert?

Gio:
I think he inherited money. Or got arrested. I don't know what happened. There was a lawyer and cash involved.

Wilhelmina:
Even if I wanted to express sympathy, I physically can't.

Wilhelmina:
[to Amanda] When Fey started puking up her breakfast, she was thrilled - until she found out she was pregnant.

Prof. Bennett:
If you have nothing to write, try killing yourself. If you fail, you'll have something to write about. If you succeed, your troubles will be over!

Marc:
What year were you born?

Amanda:
1991.

Marc:
You're 16?

Amanda:
1992.

Marc:
Other way.

Amanda:
Friends do not let friends wear glitter before noon!

Christina:
I'm going to put your profile on Bachelocity.com.

Betty:
Internet dating? Why don't you just chop me into pieces yourself and cut out the middleman?

Amanda:
You and him?

Marc:
Why not? He's a 9, I'm an 8.

Amanda:
He's a 10, you're a 6.

Marc:
You're a bitch, I'm a 7!

Betty:
Henry, please. Stop... stop being so nice. You're not making this any easier.

Henry:
Well, what am I supposed to do?

Betty:
I don't know. Kick a puppy, or knock over a midget.

Henry:
I think the more considerate term is "little person."

Betty:
It's not like I'm writing "Betty loves Henry" all over my notebook.

Daniel:
[pointing to her notebook] Um...

Betty:
Shut up.

Daniel:
[to Betty] You've met my family. My mother was arrested for murder, and she's the nice one.

Marc:
Have you seen Cliff yet?

Amanda:
Don't worry. Your wide-load lover will be here any minute.

Marc:
Amanda, don't joke. I'm freaking out! I am debuting him today as my boyfriend and I have no idea what's gonna walk through that door.

Amanda:
Sweetie, relax. He can't fit through those doors.

Marc:
[to Amanda] Your 15 minutes are almost up. Quincy Jones is on the 4th row. Now sing, bitch!

[Wilhelmina comes out in her wedding gown.]

Vera Wang:
Damn, I'm good!

Wilhelmina:
I have a little problem with the train.

Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham:
Now this is MAJOR! [comes out in her dress]

Marc:
I'm sorry Wili, but... she makes me feel tingly where no other girl has ever made me feel tingly!

Wilhelmina:
If I ate lunch, now would be the time to lose it.

Marc:
Is there water underneath you, because I think I smell a plan brewing?

Henry:
Pretend you're a hero in an action film.

Betty:
Mexicans don't have action heroes, Henry. We have a speedy little mouse.

Christina:
[referring to a model] She won't come out of her dressing room unless she gets some booze or drugs.

Daniel:
Did she mention anything about God?

Christina:
Yeah, she spoke about Him. She said "God, I need some booze or drugs!"

[Claire knocks Wilheimina into an open grave.]

Claire:
All those in favour of removing Wilhelmina Slater as Creative Director at Mode, say "aye."

Daniel and Alexis:
"Aye."

Claire:
Motion passed. Rest in peace, bitch.

Wilhelmina:
I'm Wilhelmina Slater and I don't get wet.

Marc:
Aw, are you playing "Papa Can You Hear Me" again?

Amanda:
I'm just spending some quality time with my dads. Today I'm feeling particularly close to Jimmy "Jay Jay" Walker. Dynamite.

'Amanda at Charlie's Baby Shower' Amanda:
Why's everyone so fat at this party?

Wilhelmina:
You're right. I've been hormotional.

Gio:
I don't wanna be the rebound guy. I wanna be the guy.

Gio:
You frenched me Suarez. You frenched me good.

Betty:
I did not french you!

[Betty walks away. Gio follows her, pretending to chaperone the dance.]

Betty:
Gio, I have an article that I need to write. So please stop distracting me.

Gio:
What? I'm chaperoning here.

Betty:
And who calls it "frenching"?