Undeclared, Season One

Lucien:
[to Rachel] I wrote a poem about my job, okay, and I-I really, really think that this will really help you in your situation right now, okay:

If you enter my room full of tears

My hope is that you will leave with a smile.

If you enter my room glowing with love

My hope is to share in your warmth.

So when you're feeling low

Just knock on my door and say, "Hello!"

Marshall:
Hey, do you know how to do laundry?

Rachel:
Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you hold my hand?

Marshall:
Yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

Rachel:
It's just... I'm having a panic attack and it usually goes away if I hold somebody's hand and I tell them I'm having a panic attack.

Marshall:
OK. OK.

Rachel:
I got... I gotta get outta here.

Marshall:
Uh, no, no. It's OK. It's OK. Um, I'll distract you. Um, I'm studying music. What's your major?

Rachel:
I don't know yet. I haven't decided.

Marshall:
You haven't picked a major yet!?

Rachel:
[Frantically] God, what are you trying to do to me?

[Hillary kisses Lloyd]

Lloyd:
You know what, Hillary, I.. we can't do this.

Hillary:
Why?

Lloyd:
Um... Because I have herpes.

Hillary:
So what? I do too! Everybody does!

Lloyd:
Yeah, I know, but um... you know what? I-I just... You're an RA, I'm a student, what if someone was to see? I don't...

Hillary:
I'll go fast, like a man, just give it!

Eric:
I was at work today, and I thought of the coolest idea. I'm gonna start my own internet! It's awesome! I'll tell you why. Because first of all, the regular internet is too crowded. And second, my internet will be for people who might not have computers, and we'll mail you your email through your regular mail!

Steven:
What are you doing?

Lizzie:
What?

Steven:
Having sex isn't exactly breaking up with him.

Lizzie:
I know. But it wasn't like that. It was like we were saying goodbye.

Steven:
So you did break up with him?

Lizzie:
No. But on a deeper level, it felt like we both knew it was the last time.

Ron:
My favorite film is You've Got Mail...You got Tom Hanks. You got Meg Ryan. You got a very likeable Greg Kinnear. You think you're better than it... this movie is gonna suck... then you watch it and it becomes a part of you. It's in you.

Steven:
Well I have to find a job or else you guys will be looking for a new roommate. My dad Forgot to pay the tuition.

Ron:
Okay. Got it, I saw this in a film, you are a student by day and a lustrous man prostitute by night.

[Ron and Marshall are eating free cafeteria food.]

Ron:
Tell you what, free or not, I can't eat another bite.

Marshall:
Hey dude, what's up?

Steven:
Well, I have to find a job, or else you guys will be looking for a new roommate. My dad forgot to pay my tuition...

Ron:
Okay, I got it. I saw this in a film. You are a student by day, and an illustrious man prostitute by night.

Marshall:
Hey! Dude, I could totally hook you up with a job in the cafeteria, man! Boss totally loves me, dude!

Steven:
Uh, no thanks, I think I'll pass. I'd rather be a man whore than work there. No offense.

Marshall:
No, no, it's cool.

Steven:
Oh, is that jello, could I have some of that?

Marshall:
No, you can't.

Ron:
Thank you. I thought he was fattening me up to eat me or something. Ridiculous.

Rachel:
These herbal remedies totally work. And they're all natural, from the earth!

Ron:
Like one time I, uh, I ate grass until I puked like a dog and then I felt like so much better. Like that, right?

Marshall:
You're really smart.

Rachel:
Thanks.

Marshall:
And you're pretty. You're smart and pretty... Like a dolphin.

Marshall:
Adam Sandler I just, uh, I just want you to know that, um, I'm a really big fan.

Adam Sandler:
Thank you.

Marshall:
Yeah. Especially Billy Madison.

Adam Sandler:
Oh yeah?

Marshall:
That was like... that was like punk-rock.

Adam Sandler:
[laughing] I guess so.

Marshall:
But like everything after that, though, I just -- I just didn't like, you know what I mean.

Ron:
[Running down the hall yelling] I am the king! I am the king! I am the king! Do you know my name? Do you know it? I don't care, cause Adam Sandler knows it man, he knows it! I'm the chunky guy with glasses! Right here!

Lizzie:
I don't know. This seems like a bad idea. It's like cheating.

Rachel:
It's not like cheating. It is cheating. This is cheating.

Lizzie:
How did you get so smart?

Dave:
Uh, I uh, I read, I read like 8 or 9 books a week.

Rachel:
Wow!

Steven:
Told ya.

Dave:
I also do a lot of speed. All the time.

Luke:
If you want, I could set you up with somebody, man. Yeah, matter fact I, I know somebody you might like.

Steven:
Really?

Luke:
I'm telling you, he'll fulfill your every need.

Steven:
He? He. Thank you, but I'm sorry, uh, I'm not gay.

Luke:
That's okay, man, neither is he. See, his name is Jesus.

Steven:
Christ.

Luke:
Yeah, see you know his name! Say it again, wear it out!

Lizzie:
[Trying on a shirt] What do you think?

Ron:
Is that as big as your, uh, your boobs get?

Lizzie:
Oh! I have a shirt for that!

Amanda Haythe:
When I was a little girl, I had this dream that a bear in the forest took my virginity.

Ron:
A bear?

Amanda:
A bear of a man.

Ron:
Ahh, the man-bear, yeah.

Ron:
The name Ron will be like their new little secret inside joke for bad sex, you know? "How was your shag?" "Oh, I got Ronned, he Ronned me, it was terrible."

Eric:
You're not my girlfriend. You're my girl-enemy.

Marshall:
Yeah, come on guys, don't make fun of Steve... Or his breasts will lactate.

Ron:
Fraternities are evil. Okay, they brainwash you, they steal your soul, they take your firstborn for God sakes.

Tina:
I am not fat! I am voluptuous! I got back.

Rachel:
Yeah, well just don't back into me!

Marshall:
Well at least you can't tell I peed myself back there.

Steven:
I'm exploring my options.

Lloyd:
Okay, Lizzie... Your right hand. Those are your options.

Lizzie:
This is my friend Kelly.

Kelly:
Hey. It's nice to meet you.

Ron:
Kelly, oh, that's... That's Gaelic for, uh, church or warrior.

Ron:
Are you hungry for breakfast yet?

Kelly:
Aww... yeah, I'm hungry... but not for breakfast, though.

Ron:
Oh, so, uh, you want seconds. There's plenty of Ron left. Yeah I got... what do you want? I got Ron links. Those are good.

Kelly:
That sounds good.

Ron:
There's Ronffles, which is like a waffle, kind of.

Kelly:
Kind of!

Marshall:
I'm right here. I exist. Please stop talking like that!

Kelly:
Hey, Marshall, why don't you just go back to pretending like you're asleep like you did last night.

Marshall:
Lloyd, you know how girls like you?

Lloyd:
Yeah.

Marshall:
Um, I was wondering if you get a lot of 'em tonight, if it's cool if I take your overflow?

Lloyd:
Marshall, I bequeath you my overflow.

Marshall:
YES!

Theo:
He [Steven] was always a geek in high school.

Lizzie:
Hey, none of us were perfect in high school. So, you were a geek. Everybody was something. I was a slut.

Steven:
'[Holding an armful of condoms] Well, I think I have enough condoms... for tonight!

Steven:
[Fighting with Hillary] You're not my stepmother! You are not my stepmother!

[Lucien sees Perry duct taped to the ping-pong table]

Lucien:
What happened?

Perry:
"What happened" what? Oh, I strapped myself here. I have a girl coming by to pleasure me in a few minutes.

Lucien:
Are you serious?

Perry:
No! You moron! Untie me!

Rex:
You know what a relationship is? Real Exciting Love Affair that Turns Into Ongoing Nightmare... Sobriety Hangs In Peril. Something like that, I got it tattooed on my back, you wanna read it?

Rex:
She's a good girl man, I know.

Eric:
I know.

Rex:
Reminds me of another girl I once knew.

Eric:
Who?

Rex:
Her name is Your Mother. I'll tell you something, buddy. There is nothing as good as the love of a good woman. Except ecstasy.