Wednesday

Wednesday Addams:
I see the world as a place that must be endured, and my personal philosophy is kill or be killed.

Wednesday Addams:
I’m not sure whose twisted idea it was, to put hundreds of adolescents in underfunded schools, run by people whose dreams were crushed years ago. But I admire the sadism.

Morticia Addams:
That boy's family was going to file attempted murder charges. How would that have looked on your record?

Wednesday Addams:
Terrible. Everyone would know I failed to get the job done.

Wednesday Addams:
I’m not you, Mother. I will never fall in love, or be a housewife, or have a family.

Morticia Addams:
I’m told girls your age say hurtful things, and I shouldn’t take it to heart.

Wednesday Addams:
Fortunately, you don’t have one.

Morticia Addams:
Finally, a kind word for your mother.

Wednesday Addams:
Turn that off. This is your final warning.

Enid Sinclair:
Don't mess with me! This kitty's got claws and I'm not afraid to use them.

Marilyn Thornhill:
I see Enid's been giving you the Nevermore welcome.

Wednesday Addams:
She's been smothering me with kindness; I plan on returning the favor...in her sleep.

Wednesday Addams:
This story is about to take a dark turn. Usually, I love dark turns. Like when the carousel brakes mysteriously failed at my eighth birthday party. But not this one.

Wednesday Addams:
I act as if I don't care if people dislike me... Deep down... I secretly enjoy it.

Wednesday Addams:
Yes, I know that I am stubborn, obsessive and single-minded. Those are all traits of great writers.

[Thing gesticulates pointedly]

Wednesday Addams:
Yes, and serial killers too. What's your point?

Wednesday Addams:
Edgar Allan Poe said, “Believe nothing you hear and half of what you see.” Clearly Nevermore’s most famous alumni picked that up here. No wonder he became a drug-addled madman.

Marilyn Thornhill:
Never lose that, Wednesday.

Wednesday Addams:
Lose what?

Marilyn Thornhill:
The ability to not let others define you. It’s a gift.

Wednesday Addams:
Doesn’t always feel that way.

Marilyn Thornhill:
The most interesting plants grow in the shade.

Wednesday Addams:
Let’s assess, shall we? Bag over my head for optimal disorientation, wrists tied tight enough to cut off circulation, and no idea if I’m going to live or die. It’s definitely my kind of party.

Wednesday Addams:
[referring to the Nightshades] I’m not interested in joining.

Yoko Tanaka:
You’re seriously turning us down?

Wednesday Addams:
[Deadpan] Can you believe it?

Bianca Barclay:
Untie her.

Wednesday Addams:
I freed myself five minutes ago.

Wednesday Addams:
Secrets are like zombies. They never truly die.

Wednesday Addams:
Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.

Principal Larissa Weems:
That’s where you and I differ. Where you see doom, I see opportunity.

Wednesday Addams:
That monster could be anyone. The sheriff thinks they only exist behind the walls of this school. The truth is, there are monsters everywhere. And sometimes the monsters we least suspect are the most dangerous. They don’t need teeth and claws to terrify. They hide in the shadows until no one is looking. And then they strike. But I’m looking now. And I won’t stop until I find the truth.

Wednesday Addams:
[To Thing, lying in one of the body storing shelves in the morgue] Five more minutes. I was just getting comfortable.

Enid Sinclair:
When I suggested giving your side of the room a makeover, I did not have Ted Bundy’s Pinterest in mind.

Wednesday Addams:
Still not as creepy as your stuffed unicorn collection.

Wednesday Addams:
Thing and I may have made an unsanctioned trip to the county morgue to copy the files of the monster’s victims.

Enid Sinclair:
Okay, there are so many levels of Ew in that statement, I don’t even know where to begin.

Xavier Thorpe:
Aren’t you pumped about disco balls and spiked punch? There’s even a DJ. MC Blood Suckaz.

Wednesday Addams:
I’d rather stick needles in my eyes. [pause] I’ll probably do that anyway.

Wednesday Addams:
[to Eugene] Listen, people like me and you, we're different. We don't need these inane rites of passage to validate who we are. We're original thinkers, intrepid outliers in this vast cesspool of adolescence.

Wednesday Addams:
[to Eugene as they prepare to explore the monster's cave] If you hear me screaming bloody murder, there's a good chance I'm just enjoying myself.

Young Morticia Addams:
[flashback to 1990] I don’t know what to say, Gomez. Seeing you in handcuffs, accused of murder; I’ve never loved you more.

Morticia Addams:
Oh, how we missed those accusing eyes and youthful sneer.

Gomez Addams:
How are you, my little rain cloud?

Wednesday Addams:
I thought Thing was filling you in on my every move. I uncovered your feeble subterfuge almost immediately.

Gomez Addams:
So, how’s the little fella doing? Does he still have all his fingers?

Wednesday Addams:
Relax. I haven’t snapped any of his digits. Yet.

Wednesday Addams:
Since I've been here, I've been hunted, haunted, kidnapped, and the target of attempted murder.

Gomez Addams:
[proud and delighted] Ah, Nevermore! I love you so!

Wednesday Addams:
[to Gomez] You taught me how to be strong and independent. How to navigate myself in a world full of treachery and prejudice. You are the reason I understand how imperative it is that I never lose sight of myself. So as far as fatherhood goes, I would say you’ve been more than adequate.

[Wednesday is digging up Garrett Gage's grave, with Morticia watching]

Morticia Addams:
Ahhh, this reminds me of when you got your first grave-digging kit. You were so happy, you nearly smiled.

Wednesday Addams:
In case you’re wondering, I don’t hold séances very often. I can barely tolerate the living. Why would I want to commune with the dead?

Enid Sinclair:
Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt your… Do I even want to know?

Wednesday Addams:
I was reaching into the black maw of death to contact a relative.

Enid Sinclair:
Feels very on-brand for you.

Marilyn Thornhill:
I think we're a lot alike.

Wednesday Addams:
We aren't. I don't need your help or you pity. I already have a mother and a therapist.

Enid Sinclair:
[as they’re about to enter the crypt] Ew. What died?

Wednesday Addams:
Smells like childhood.

Wednesday Addams:
I was told you could teach me how to control my ability.

Goody Addams:
There is no controlling a raging river. You must learn to navigate it without drowning.

Wednesday Addams:
I enjoy funerals. I’ve been crashing them since I was old enough to read the obituary section.

[Wednesday follows a shadowy figure into the woods. In a clearing, she looks around. The figure suddenly lands behind her from a tree. Wednesday swiftly draws a hidden sword from the handle of her umbrella and stabs at the figure, who catches the blade between its hands, before a burst of electricity shoots from its hands down the blade of the sword, causing Wednesday to drop it.]

Shadowy Figure:
Still as sharp as ever, my pig-tailed prodigy.

Wednesday Addams:
[Recognizes the voice and gives a genuine smile] Uncle Fester!

Wednesday Addams:
How long have you been stalking me?

Uncle Fester:
Just flew into town this morning and was hit by a wave of nostalgia.

Wednesday Addams:
I thought you didn’t go to Nevermore.

Uncle Fester:
I didn’t. Your dad got all the brains. But I used to drop in on him. Usually from the ceiling with a dagger clutched between my teeth. Just to keep him on his toes.

Wednesday Addams:
Of course.

Uncle Fester:
He filled me in on what’s been going on. Monsters, murder, mayhem. What fun!

[Wednesday brings Fester into a shed]

Wednesday Addams:
This place belongs to a friend.

Uncle Fester:
You actually made a friend? That poor kid will be going home in a body bag. [Sees a beehive] Ooo, I like a hideout that comes with snacks.

Wednesday Addams:
Those bees are hibernating. They're practically Eugene's children. [Fester opens the beehive; firmly] That means do not eat them!

Uncle Fester:
[Closes the beehive] You know, when you give me that death stare of disapproval, you remind me of your mother. Speaking of scary things, do you know what kind of a monster you're dealing with?

Wednesday Addams:
I haven't been able to identify it. [unfolds a drawing Xavier made of the monster, shows it to Fester]

Uncle Fester:
Oooooo...It's called a Hyde.

Wednesday Addams:
As in Jekyll and Hyde?

Uncle Fester:
Mmmhmm.

Wednesday Addams:
You've seen one before?

Uncle Fester:
Oh, yeah. In '83, during my vay-cay at the Zurich Institute for the Criminally Insane. It's where I got my first lobotomy. But you know lobotomies; they’re kind of like tattoos. Can’t just get one.

Xavier Thorpe:
You know what your problem is?

Wednesday Addams:
I would love to hear your piercing insight.

Xavier Thorpe:
You don’t know who your real friends are. I’ve been on your side since day one. I literally saved your life, I believed your theories when nobody else did, and what do I get in return? Just nothing but suspicion and lies.

Wednesday Addams:
Fine. You want honesty? Here it is: Every time the monster's attacked, you've been right there. Starting with Rowan at the Harvest Festival. Then, on Outreach Day, you arrived just minutes after the monster disappeared, yet you say you didn't see it.

Xavier Thorpe:
I didn't realize proximity was a crime.

Wednesday Addams:
Then there's your drawing obsession. You have drawn the monster dozens of times, yet you've never seen it. Or so you claim. You even drew where it lived. Then, when Eugene went to investigate, you tried to kill him so he wouldn't spill your secret.

Xavier Thorpe:
You think I would hurt Eugene?

Wednesday Addams:
Let's not forget your oh-so-convenient appearance after Tyler had been attacked at the Gates mansion.

Xavier Thorpe:
If I am the monster...then why haven't I killed you?

Wednesday Addams:
[Hesitates] ...Because for some reason I cannot fathom or indulge, you seem to like me.

Xavier Thorpe:
[coldly] What's to like?

Wednesday Addams:
[after she kisses Tyler and has a vision of him being Hyde] Of course the first boy I kiss would turn out to be a psychotic, serial-killing monster. I guess I have a type.

Wednesday Addams:
Xavier warned me about you, but I didn’t listen.

Tyler Galpin:
Ironic now, huh?

Wednesday Addams:
Ironic would’ve been framing Xavier for murder while the real Hyde helped me put him away.

Tyler Galpin:
[to Wednesday] You know, at first, I’d wake up naked, covered in blood, no idea what happened. But over time, I started to remember everything. The sound of their screams, the panic in their eyes, and a fear so primal I could taste it. And it was delicious. You have no idea what’s coming.

Wednesday Addams:
I always believed relying on other people to be a sign of weakness. That inevitably they would lead me to disappointment. Turns out I’ve been the disappointment.

Enid Sinclair:
Are you kidding me? I’ve learned so much from you. Part of it is admittedly criminal behavior, but most people spend their entire lives pretending to give zero effs, and you literally never had an eff to give.

Enid Sinclair:
Will you forget about me?

Wednesday Addams:
Enid, the mark you have left on me is indelible. Anytime I grow nauseous at the sight of a rainbow, or hear a pop song that makes my ears bleed, I’ll think of you.

Enid Sinclair:
You have to come visit me in San Francisco. It's foggy and rainy every day.

Wednesday Addams:
Sounds tempting.

Principal Larissa Weems:
Please don't make this more difficult than it already is, Marilyn.

Marilyn Thornhill:
My name is LAUREL!

Laurel Gates:
I can't tell you how I've longed for this moment, what it means for my family--

Joseph Crackstone:
SILENCE, WOMAN! Begone! Or I will cut thy tongue from thy wretched MOUTH!

Laurel Gates:
...Never meet your heroes.