Weeds, Season 5

Andy:
[getting a phone call from Celia's kidnapper] Hello?... Yeah, I know Celia... We're all gonna die. What does that mean anyway? Life is cheap, people die and people have babies... Everyday they're having babies! What's with that? Kidnapper man, I mean, women in their forty's are having babies, doesn't that seem weird to you?... What? No, I'm not gonna pay the ransom... Allo?... Rude.

Nancy:
[a phone call wakes her up] Hello?

Rudolpho:
I have your friend.

Nancy:
What? Who is this? What friend?

Rudolpho:
Your friend Celia. I have her and you pay me money or she dies.

Nancy:
Celia?

Rudolpho:
Celia Hodes! I have kidnapped her and today I chop off her ear.

Nancy:
How Van Gogh.

Rudolpho:
What? You send me $40,000 or I'll do it!

Nancy:
That's too early for this, we're really not friends.

Rudolpho:
Okay, $30,000... [Nancy hangs up]

Nancy:
It's so wonderful wonderful.

Andy:
What?

Nancy:
You once said that to me.

Dr. Audra Kitson:
Name one jazz musician.

Andy:
[pauses, thinking] ...Dr. Teeth.

Nancy:
You are not having anymore beer, that was a special occasion... You got shot.

Silas:
Weren't Lawn Darts banned?

Esteban:
When you boys are finished crying it's your turn.

Silas:
(To Shane) He's taunting us.

Shane:
He's trying to act like a father. (Silas starts picking up the Darts) Father's taunt...when we went jogging Dad told me I was so slow Stephen Hawking could beat me in a foot-race. Then he collapsed, puked twice and died. (Shane laughs and looks up) Who's the better jogger now? (Silas gives him a concerned look)

Driver:
Some idiot is standing in front of the car.

Nancy:
Oh that's no idiot that's my...actually you're right.

Andy:
(out of breath) I was parking when you were pulling away and I was all 'Hey, Nancy!' but you couldn't hear me so I started running which is harder then it looks.

Driver:
Should I keep driving?

Nancy:
Yes

Andy:
Yeah, sure. On a bit of a buzz here, adrenaline rush or anticipation. I'm a man on a mission Nance, a man with a plan. What could that plan be? she asks herself intrigued yes, perhaps even captivated by the-

Nancy:
Shut. Up

Andy:
(short pause) Okay here it goes-

Nancy:
You never listen-

Andy:
I listen-

Nancy:
You don't.

Andy:
I trying to tell you something big that's happening in my life.

Nancy:
Major event for Andy? You going to Candy Mountain?

Andy:
Does it always have to be about you?

Andy:
Hey, I know all the best rehabs. I'm totally addicted to that show Intervention.

Shane:
A croquet mallet; I couldn't find a golf club.