Welcome Back, Kotter, Season 2

Freddie:
We're gonna take all this money, we're gonna put it in the bank. We're gonna all be typhoons.

Kotter:
That's, uh, tycoons.

Freddie:
No, typhoons. 'Cause at the end of the year, we gonna all blow it!

Kotter:
Epstein, take the stand.

Epstein:
Do I gotta?

Kotter:
That's right. This court does not recognize notes from your mother.

Carvelli:
[about Kotter] Teacher? This is a tough school.

...

Carvelli:
That's the oldest punk I ever saw.

Woodman:
I'm not a punk; I'm the vice principal.

Carvelli:
Vice principal? This is a tough school.

Kotter:
[about the Sweathogs] You guys look like a delinquent Mount Rushmore.

Vinnie:
I ain't gonna hurt any old relics. Not even Mr. Woodman.

Woodman:
Get bent, Barbarino!

Vinnie:
I went to a wax museum once. I saw Raquel Welch. You know that that wax comes right off in your hands?

Kotter:
Next time wear gloves.

[Epstein gives Kotter a note from the principal saying that he was in conference with him]

Kotter:
[reading the note] "Dear Mr. Kotter, Juan Epstein was late because he was in conference with me. Signed, Principal Lazarus." What are you trying to do to me, Epstein? I know the man's handwriting. This note is legitimate!

Epstein:
Well, in baseball, it's called a change-up, you know? Keeps the hitter guessin'!

Woodman:
A fine young lady like you doesn't belong with Sweathogs.

Jenny:
Oh, yeah? In your horn with an ear of corn!

Woodman:
She's a Sweathog!

Kotter:
Epstein, wait! You can't go to Nebraska! They won't let you past Philadelphia without a passport!

Kotter:
I had to decide whether or not I was gonna let junk food rule my life.

Epstein:
Well, what'd you do?

Kotter:
I went cold turkey.

Epstein:
Cold turkey?

Kotter:
That's right. For five days, instead of junk food, I ate nothin' but cold turkey!

Epstein:
[about spending so long in the bathroom] I'm just enjoying a few moments of privacy, you know? I mean, when you got nine brothers and sisters like I got, the only time you get to use the bathroom by yourself is on your birthday!

Woodman:
Now, now, now, Juan, you hot-blooded young turk!

Epstein:
I'm a Puerto Rican Jew!

Woodman:
Same thing. Your blood is hot.

Kotter:
Newspapers mold people's minds.

Horshack:
Who wants to make a moldy mind?

[Woodman walks into Mr. Chicken #17. He picks up the bowl of bones and gives his guess.]

Woodman:
Uh, four hundred and fifty, uh, Captain Chicken.

Kotter:
It can't be. It sounds like him, but it couldn't be. [turns and sees Woodman] It is.

Woodman:
Kotter! What are you doing here, and in that costume?

Kotter:
Well, my dog suit was in the cleaners. What was that number you guessed?

Woodman:
Four hundred and fifty. Do I get a free dinner?

Kotter:
No, I'm sorry. You're a few bones shy.

Vinnie:
I figure you only go 'round once in your life, right? So why go 'round the 11th grade twice?

Epstein:
When my mother was pregnant, she used to want hot peppers, you know? Every day, hot peppers, hot peppers, hot peppers. When we was born, the first thing we asked for was a glass of water!

Epstein:
Miss Holzgang said we could draw our favorite thing, so I drew this bea-utiful girl! Oh!

Horshack:
I drew a picture of a cheese Whopper.

Freddie:
Yeah, and I drew a picture of Arnold getting heartburn.

Vinnie:
And I drew a picture of me.

Woodman:
[about Epstein's drawing] At last I've got something to nail one of you Sweathogs!

Horshack:
Oh, but Mr. Woodman, Rembrandt painted plenty of nudes.

Woodman:
Well, I wanna see Rembrandt in my office, too!

Juan:
Okay now, watchin' a fight I ain't in– It makes me nervous.