Will & Grace, Season 11

Will:
Oh, Karen, hi. Sorry, I must have butt-dialed.

Karen:
Is there anything you people's butts can't do?

Will:
So far, I've yet to be disappointed.

Karen:
Silence! I need everyone's attention, because I've got big boobs... I mean, big news... but then again, look at 'em!

Jack:
[about Will & McCoy's baby] Wow, lucky kid - having two dads, just like Jesus.

Will:
And she'll have a Mary right across the hall.

Jack:
This one ain't a virgin.

Jack:
I used to love watching the guys play basketball in high school, especially when it was skirts and skins.

Will:
You mean shirts and skins.

Jack:
[pause] No wonder I got beat up so much.

Grace:
PostMates, EasyEats, GrubHub… it's the lazy, hungry person's Renaissance.

Karen:
Oh, Grace, you're a couch-toilet away from all your dreams coming true.

Karen:
You know, Stanley always thought you never came around because you were a little sweet on me.

Danley:
Me? Sweet on my brother’s wife? I was always the bigger man.

Karen:
That’s not physically possible. And I think he was right.

Danley:
You do look stunning, I'll give you that... like a statue by Bernini that some kids have drawn huge gazongas on.

Karen:
There's so much I don't know about baseball. Like, is there a "base-boobs" or "-oral"?

Jack:
It depends. Are we talking gay or straight bases? Because we're dealing with different equipment.

Will:
Hi. I did bring you flowers, but I had to give them to the woman next door when I walked in on her. I was guessing which room you were in. I guessed wrong.

Grace:
Every woman loves flowers.

Will:
I don't think she'll like the card about dust bunnies in her uterus.

Friday:
She's hard on the outside, but inside Mrs. Walker is filled with candy and glitter, like a unicorn's colon.

Grace:
I love how passionate you are about your team. I haven't seen you this excited about something since that Grey Goose truck crashed into that olive cart.

Karen:
If it had been raining Vermouth, I would've believed in God.

Karen:
So, you have an egg donor, but this other woman's going to carry your gay baby for nine months. How much is making God cry going to cost you?

Jack:
Oh crap, Jerry Sussman's here. He used to be a catty audition accompanist, then he made it big, and now he's a big, huge pianist.

Grace:
[smirks] Uh, what was that?

Jack:
A big, huge, pian… OK, I just heard that, that's amazing!

Jack:
Oh, you are crafty. You brought me to a public place so I wouldn't make a scene.

Will:
I brought you to a drag bar. I knew you'd make a scene, and I wanted you to blend in.

Estefan:
Who would want Jack to grow up? Will, sit down. In Spain, we have a story about a boy who is forever young, he never grows up, and he wears tights.

Will:
Yeah, it's Peter Pan.

Estefan:
No, in our version this forever boy fights a pirate with a hook for a hand, and his best friend is a teeny, tiny fairy.

Will:
That's Peter Pan.

Estefan:
No, "Pedro" escapes to "Nunca Nunca Land"...

Will:
That means he escapes to "Never Never Land". It's Peter Pan!

Estefan:
You are wrong. Anyway, that is not the point. The point is, Jack should never grow up. He reminds us all what it feels like to be young.

Will:
[sighs] I can't argue with you there.

Estefan:
It's just like Pedro said, "Yo nunca quiero ser adulto".

Will:
"I won't grow up"! It's Peter Pan!

Farhan:
If I may ask, how old is your child, and how do they identify?

Will:
Oh, well, no children yet. Grace's is due in April, mine in May, and my pronouns are "he" and "is terrified".

Grace:
Thank you so much for seeing me again, Headmistress Hinderhagen.

Headmistress Hinderhagen:
Of course.

Grace:
I know how important diversity is to this school.

Headmistress Hinderhagen:
It is. And your child would be diverse, how exactly?

Grace:
I'm just gonna bottom-line it: I don't know who the father is. So, girl to girl, tell me what diversity you're looking for, because I've probably slept with it.

Friday:
I think you're having a panic attack. I get them all the time, like during a power outage, or when my mom sends her dogs after me. It's my fault - you shouldn't assume you're invited to Thanksgiving.

Karen:
I can't die in coach! They'll find my body with the poors, all mixed in with the Tater Tots and the Crocs!

Will:
Karen, can you hear me? I just got in the locker room, and I gotta say, it's pretty cool. The bats and the balls and the cute, sweaty guys... throw in a bathtub full of poppers and a famous Scientologist, and it's every gay club in the 80s.

Grace:
Oh, my God - you don't want a designer, you want my baby!

Marilyn:
Well, maybe if you don't over-react, they'll want both.

Jack:
C'mon, I know just the place. Let's go.

Will:
Fine. I can't wait to see what filthy, depraved hellhole you're taking me to.

Karen:
As long as there's a drag queen calling out Bingo numbers, I'm happy.

Grace:
I am so, so sorry.

James:
No, I'm sorry. I got angry with you, but you were right, it was just an accident. So, I'm here to say... can we try again?

Grace:
[aghast] What? Are you out of your mind? I slept with your son and your father, and you forgave me. I pooped your apartment to death, and you forgave me. But now I violated a porpoise, got you fired, and ended a species!

James:
And I forgive you.

[she slaps him]

Grace:
What is wrong with you?

James:
I think I'm falling for you!

Grace:
Well, raise your standards, man! I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I can't be with someone who has such terrible taste in women.

Phil:
Will, this is for you. [hands him a bottle of wine] Karen told me you were a big, bold, complex guy - like this Cabernet.

Karen:
Don't forget fruity and gives you a headache.

Phil:
And Grace. [hands her a bouquet of flowers] Here's something beautiful and delicate, like yourself.

Karen:
Don't forget slightly wilted and covered in bees.

Karen:
Honey, thank God you called!

Grace:
Karen, what's wrong?

Karen:
I don't know where I am! It's so dark. I think I hear a seagull, and a foghorn...

Will:
Karen, hang on!

Will:
We're going to trace this call.

Karen:
Ha-ha, busted! Leave a message! [phone message beeps]

Grace:
I fell for that yesterday.

Dexter Murphy:
So, I'll get right to it, Mr. McFarland - how do you plan on keeping an iconic institution like CoCo's open without Coco?

Jack:
Oh, they'll still come. I'm not changing anything. We're just under new management. The bar is transitioning - like half our patrons.

Dexter Murphy:
[offended] Do you think people who are transitioning are funny?

Jack:
Oh, God, no! They have no sense of humor!

Grace:
Why would Phil go through all this? That's what I don't get.

Will:
The money. They're always after the money.

Grace:
Yeah, but he's so handsome, though. You'd think he could get money out of women without killing them. I mean, that body, after 40... I'd give him my debit card.

Jack:
Once again, it's my mother's birthday, and I have no idea what to get her.

Grace:
Just don't try to be cute. One year, I told my mother I was her gift, and she asked if I came with a receipt.

Jack:
You thought that was cute?

Karen:
I've gotta get my ring back. Stan gave it to me the night we bought our first election.

Will:
Good morning. Welcome to our gender reveal breakfast. It's a big moment. We are one prick away from finding out on of the most important...

Jack:
Yeah, can we move this along? Lots to do today.

Will:
Sorry, we are two pricks away from finding out.

Grace:
Hello, this is Grace Adler. I'm a patient of Dr. Sapirstein's and I'm calling to find out the gender of my baby.

Nurse Sheila:
Yeah, you're gonna wanna check between the legs. If it's an outie, it's a boy. If it's an innie, it's a girl. And if it's both, please take a picture and send it to me - I've always wanted to see one of those.

Grace:
No, I'm pregnant.

Nurse Sheila:
Okay, well then, you're a girl. Does that help?

Will:
I say this with love, but sometimes living with you is like being stuck in an episode of I Love Lucy.

Grace:
Well yeah, because I'm the kooky redhead everyone loves, and you're the guy who overreacts to every little thing I do.

Will:
If you're comparing me to Ricky, I'll take that as a compliment. He was always my favorite.

Grace:
That's because you had a crush on him.

Grace:
Look at me! I went as Lucy last year for Halloween.

Jack:
So did I.

Will:
Grace also attempted a "Slutty Lucy" in college that ended in tears.

Jack:
So did I.

Jack:
You know, Blattsville Creamery named a flavor of ice cream after Karen.

Will:
Ooh, does it taste like gin, or blood?

Karen:
Both. It's a swirl.

[Will and Grace have decided to buy a house together]

Grace:
Wait, wait - what if one of us meets someone?

Will:
We'll figure that out. And then, y'know, I'll move in with him.

Grace:
Why are you the one who meets someone?

Will:
It's not me, it's society. I mean, you're a gassy woman over 40 with a kid. The odds aren't great.

Grace:
This is Upstate New York - I'm, like, a 9 here! People don't even think I'm pregnant!

Jack:
My dream of taking a bow on a Broadway stage is only a car accident, a death in the family, and a respiratory infection away from coming true!

Will:
[embracing Jack] There he is, our Broadway star!

Grace:
Jack, you were awesome! And Karen, you and Stan - are you happy?

Karen:
I am. There are a hundred reasons Stan and I shouldn't be together, and 7.3 billion reasons why we should.

Jack:
Aww, I love love. C'mon, everybody, shift it. It's time to get to the cast party I'm hosting.

Grace:
[suddenly serious] It's time.

Jack:
Yeah, I just said that. Everyone has to bring a bag of chips, whatever they want to drink, an entrée, and a barbecue if you have one.

Grace:
No - It's time.

Karen:
Honey, I think our girl's getting ready to have her litter.

Will:
You're sure?

Grace:
Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah.

Will:
Oh my God, I'm gonna be an uncle!

Jack:
I'm gonna be an aunt!

Karen:
I'm gonna be richer!

[the three of them embrace]

Grace:
Hey, let me in. It's kinda my moment.

[they all embrace her]

Will:
[to Jack and Karen] Okay, you guys get the elevator. [to Grace] Are you ready for this?

Grace:
One hundred percent, no.

Will:
You're gonna be great. We are gonna be great.