Will & Grace, Season 2

Will:
I got a call from my friend at the I.N.S. yesterday, and apparently the marriage between a 30-year-old gay man and a postmenopausal Salvadoran maid flagged something in their computer.

Karen:
Okay, are we done yet?

Will:
No. Look, they're gonna start making random visits to verify that Jack and Rosario are a real married couple. So since their official residence is listed as your place, I think the best thing would be for Jack to move into your penthouse.

Jack:
[in Zsa Zsa Gabor voice] I just adore a penthouse view! Ooh, my very own sexless marriage. Just like Will and Grace.

Will:
No, not like Will and Grace. We don't even live together any more. She's got her own apartment.

Jack:
Eight dysfunctional feet away.

Karen:
Lord, they're like Siamese twins who are joined at their boring personalities.

Karen:
Hey. Hey, you're on the clock, tamale. Get to work!

Rosario:
Listen, lady, I'll squash you like a wormy apple!

[They bicker intensely for a moment]

Karen:
[suddenly emotional] Oh, Will, don't let them take my sunshine away!

Rosario:
[embraces her] I love my mommy!

Karen:
[to Jack] Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and sometimes bad things happen to you.

[Karen loses Jack's bird, Guapo]

Karen:
Oh, honey, what can I do? Do you want another bird?

Jack:
No! How can you even ask me that? When my grandmother died, did you buy me another racist dowager with a purse full of diabetic candy?

[Jack finds out that Will slept with his ex-boyfriend]

Jack:
Commandment number one in the gay bible: Thou shalt not covet my ex's ass!

Will:
Is that from the Book of Genesissy?

[Grace is surprised when Will clamps his hands over her breasts.]

Will:
I think you've sprung a leak.

Grace:
What're you talking about?

[He lifts his hands, and her water bra sprays twin streams.]

Will:
I haven't been with a woman in some time, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to do that.

Rosario:
Listen lady, in my country I was a schoolteacher.

Karen:
Oh yeah? Well in this country, you wash my bras.

Bobbi:
I listened.

Grace:
You're a mother. You're not supposed to listen.

Bobbi:
Then what do you want me to do?

Grace:
I don't want you to fix me up. But I want you to want to fix me up. I just don't want you to want me to want to go out with the guys that you want to fix me up with.

Bobbi:
You know, this rambling problem comes from your grandmother.

[Karen approaches a woman at an outlet mall]

Karen:
Oh, honey, could we get two seared ahi salads with mustard on the side?

Woman:
I don't work here.

Karen:
That doesn't answer my question, does it?

[Grace is unaware that Will has been fired]

Harlin:
So, how's Will doing?

Grace:
I think you would know better than me.

Harlin:
[sighs] Yeah, I would.

Grace:
But don't worry, I'm on him. I'm giving him a really hard time.

Harlin:
Whoa! You're a cold-hearted little thing, aren't you?

Grace:
Well, if he's going to let work get to him like that... It's just really unattractive.

Harlin:
Grace, I don't don't know how things work with the very modern relationship between you two, but in the great state of Texas you'd be considered a bitch.

[Jack has accidentally slammed the door onto Grace's face.]

Grace:
Ow! You crushed my nose. [exits]

Jack:
Sorry! If it's broken, we'll get it fixed. [to Will] For the second time.

Grace:
[sticking her head through the window] I heard that, you bitch. And this nose has never been touched.

Jack:
I'm sorry, ma'am, you can pick up your fries at the next window. [to Will] Guess what? I've been promoted to captain at my catering company, and tonight I'm supervising an event at the Waldorf-Astoria. I will have eight men under me. How great is that?

Will:
Eight men? What'd you do, write the Gay Make A Wish Foundation?

Jack:
You couldn't do my job for one night. I challenge you!

Will:
Okay, I'll do it.

Jack:
Ha! I knew you wouldn't do it because you are scared.

Will:
I agreed.

Jack:
What just happened?

Grace:
Well, you've come on a good night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know Jack's gay.

Karen:
How could she not know? What is she, headless?

Judith:
[in response to Jack telling her he is gay] Looking back on it... there have been clues. When you were a child, you were overly fond of the nursery rhyme "Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub". And you do have a lot of flamboyantly gay friends. I mean, look at Will!

Ben:
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that you two are more than friends, but less than lovers. You're gay, and she's straight.

Will:
That's impressive. Now if you can guess my weight, you'll win a t-shirt saying, "That's really none of your business!"

[Will has just gotten a job with a client whom Grace is suing]

Grace:
The only reason you were offered a job, is so that he can slither out of the lawsuit.

Will:
Of course. That ruthless bastard offered me a five-year contract, paid vacation, a huge signing bonus, all to make a dispute over slipcovers go away. How could I have been so blind?

Grace:
Why do your people always go to sarcasm first?

Karen:
Honey, Stan can't make it. He's having some work done on his Mercedes. Or his... kidneys... I wasn't really paying attention.

Will:
Holy hangover, Batgirl. How fun was last night?

Grace:
So fun. Naomi and Kai know all the best clubs.

Will:
Yeah. Who'd have thought that after 2 a.m., Tiki Donuts becomes a Latino drag queen bar?

Grace:
I forget... Is "chocolate éclair" the name of a donut or one of the performers?

Will:
Why are you screaming at me? Yech. [puts his head in the sink under running water]

Grace:
[looking down her shirt] Oh, my God. When did I get my nipple pierced?

Will:
[looking down Grace's shirt] That's your earring.

Grace:
[Pulling ring out] Not right. So what time are we hooking up with them tonight?

Will:
Midnight. It's gonna be wild.

Grace:
This whole week has been wild.

Will:
I know. They're crazy.

Grace:
They're fantastic.

Will:
I hate them.

Grace:
Me, too.

[Will's new job is in jeopardy]

Will:
Last week I was the guy you had to have. I was the guy with heart!

Ben:
That was the honeymoon period, Will. Honeymoon's over. Good times, though, right?

Will:
Ben Doucette, Karen Walker.

Ben:
I know Mrs. Walker.

Karen:
Oh, yeah... I remember you. Stan and I met you at the Whitney opening. You were the bartender. Yeah.

Ben:
No, you just gave me your drink order.

Karen:
Yeah... and I'm still waiting for it.

Will:
Claire... I mentioned her a thousand times. She was my Grace before I met Grace.

Jack:
Claire... nope, doesn't ring a bell. Cla-cla-cl - I don't like her name, though. I'm going to call her... Bettina. Yay! Bettina's coming to town! It's much better.

[Grace objects to Will donating sperm to Claire]

Grace:
Your sperm is like the school you don't really want to go to, but you know you can get in. You're like my safety sperm.

Will:
What, my sperm is Florida State?

Karen:
C'mon, Rosario, up. I need you to whip up a batch of Cosmos. The Bronsons came back from the party with us, and I don't like them when they're sober.

Rosario:
Why don't I just squeeze you like a sponge? There's enough alcohol in you to fill a hot tub.

Jack:
Hi, Grace. Who's your daddy?

Grace:
[confused] Um... His name is Martin Adler.

Will:
Yay, my dad's here!

Grace:
Look at you, Mr. Happy Boots. I wish I got that excited about seeing my dad.

Will:
Come on, your dad's great.

Grace:
Yeah, in a parallel universe where my hair is straight and so are you.

Jack:
It feels like there's something missing from my life, like my soul is on empty.

Karen:
You can go a lot of years on empty, honey, trust me.

Jack:
Homo skinny is not the same as hetero skinny. You're not in the club - you wouldn't understand.

Karen:
[about Josh] He should be killed.

Grace:
He happens to be the sweetest, most thoughtful, most sensitive guy I have ever gone out with. I think he's great.

Karen:
He makes me wanna barf! I wanna kick him til he's dead, honey.

[Jack tries to teach Will how to be a good date]

Jack:
I'm an expert. I go on literally thousands of dates a year.

Will:
That doesn't make you an expert, that makes you an escort.

Karen:
I know you're mad at me about what happened with Josh, but when you get down to it, aren't you mad at yourself for taking advice from someone who was half in the bag at the time?

Grace:
So, really, I shouldn't be listening to you now.

Karen:
Aw, honey... probably not.

[Jack is trying to talk Will into reuniting with his ex-boyfriend]

Jack:
Look, if what's holding you back is your attraction to me, let me assure you: [points to self] It will never happen. Let that free you to pursue other, lesser men.

Will:
Oh, Jack... there are no lesser men than you.

Grace:
When you and I broke up it was for different reasons. I wanted to raise the kids Jewish, you wanted to sleep with men...

Will:
I really do enjoy that.

[An extremely young nurse enters to take Grace's blood.]

Grace:
Isn't- isn't there someone else who is a little more... experienced? Someone who didn't drive in... on a Big Wheel?

Nurse Pittman:
Oh, I don't drive. I keep taking the test over and over again, but I'm all, "This is hard!"

[Jack runs by.]

Will:
Gay ferrets to the waiting area. Gay ferrets to the waiting area.

Jack:
Give me one good reason that a man can't go out in a nice pillbox hat. [puts on hat and looks at himself in the mirror] Hello, reason. Oh, my God, there are actually pills in here!

[Jack and Karen walk into a homeless shelter]

Karen:
Lord, look at these people. Why anyone would choose to be homeless is beyond me!

Jack:
No one chooses to be homeless. It's because they did something bad.

[Will and Jack are planning Rob's bachelor party]

Jack:
You know why we're blocked? It's because heterosexual marriage is just wrong! If God had intended a man and a woman to be together, he would have given them both penises!

Will:
I believe I heard Pope RuPaul II say that.

[Ellen has just found out that Rob and Grace once slept together]

Rob:
Honey, it meant nothing! You know I don't like bony girls. It was like having sex with a cricket.

Grace:
Oh, yeah? Well, I was fake chirping!

[Jack's latest intended conquest is an "ex-gay"]

Karen:
They're trying to make gay people straight! Good Lord, don't they know what that'll do to the Fall line?

Bill:
Jack, you're coming on to me!

Jack:
I am shocked! And appalled! ...But are you interested?

Karen:
Sorry, fruit, you're out of the loop.

Ben:
So, the salad's done, the risotto is cooking. Let's talk wine. Karen, you have any preference?

Karen:
Honey, I'd suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick, so you're asking the wrong gal, okay?

Karen:
Honey, love you like a cold sore!

Helena Barnes:
You're a strange child aren't you?

Grace:
Why do the British always insult you and then ask you to agree with them?

Helena Barnes:
Maybe because we think all you Americans are a tad silly. Don't you think?

Will:
You and Ben?

Grace:
Hey, you were the one who wanted us to make nice. We did. We made nice - twice.

[Grace and Ben are slow-dancing on his conference table]

Ben:
You should consider yourself lucky. I normally get $500 an hour for the work I do on this table.

Grace:
I wouldn't get out of bed for $500.

Ben:
Really? Would you take a check?

Grace:
Either you just said something incredibly romantic, or you just called me a prostitute.

Karen:
Who let you in?

Will:
Your butler.

Karen:
[snorts] You mean ex-butler.

Will:
Speaking of exes, it's going to be nice being your ex-lawyer. Not having to kiss your ass or pretend that you're interesting is going to free up a lot of my time. I might even learn a language.

Karen:
Honey, if you look inside this purse, I'm giving you a little sign language right now.

Jack:
See, the problem is that you're trying to make me Will, and I'm trying to make you disappear. How about we compromise and you make me scrambled eggs?

Grace:
Jack, look where my foot is. I could scramble a couple of eggs from here.

Val:
My ex-husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I got rid of him. Well, that and the fact that he was sleeping with his dental hygienist.

Grace:
Why is it always the hygienist? What is it? Is it the white uniforms, the latex gloves..?

Val:
I think it's because they're whores.