Will & Grace, Season 6

Jack:
...but when we get to Saint Bart's I swear I'm taking an EPT, and if it's blue I am not going through this alone!... again!

[Grace finds a steamy letter that Leo's colleague wrote him; Will and Jack are trying to calm her down]

Will:
You're keyed up over nothing. It's just a letter.

Jack:
[nods] It's just a letter. He's not going to respond to that. I myself have written him several letters, all unspeakably filthy, and all I got was a wink and a smile.

Karen:
I like you. Wanna make out?

Diane:
I like you too. Let's see where the evening goes.

Leo:
So, you and Will...

Diane:
Yep, me and Will...

Leo:
And, uh, me and you...

Diane:
Yep, me and you...and maybe later me and Karen!

Karen:
Beverley Leslie, with your pants so tight, won't you be my partner tonight?

Beverley Leslie:
Ooh, I would be honored.

Leo:
You think we can take 'em?

Grace:
Please. Between the two of us, we've got eight feet on them.

Karen:
I hate Leo. Yeah.

Grace:
What?

Karen:
Yep. Hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. He's dull, he's ugly and he don't make me laugh.

Grace:
And you're telling me this now?

Karen:
Well, honey, I would have said something before, but that just would have been hurtful!

James Earl Jones:
Like I need this crap at my age. I've got Darth Vader money!

James Earl Jones:
I haven't taken an acting class since Lee Strasberg. I sat between Marlon Brando and Shelley Winters.

Karen:
Honey, no offense, but how did that bench not break?

James Earl Jones:
Who said it didn't?

[After a gay spelling bee.]

Jack:
The other guy couldn't get "erect"... I, however, could.

Jack:
Got anything written on your freakishly tinier boob?

Karen:
It's only smaller when its scared.

Karen:
Hey, Wilma, I need your help! Remember Lorraine Finster, the dame who stole my husband and tried to bump me off? Well, I think I found her, a private dick said he dug up an "L. Finster" at the Hotel Kickerbocker. Come on, let's go down there and give her what-for!

Will:
As much as I'd love to put on a trenchcoat and look for your grip on reality, I can't. I've got to take care of Mom.

Karen:
Oh, how sweet, a gay man living with his mother... would you like me to pre-heat the oven or do you want to just jump right in?

Maralyn:
Oh, hello, Karen. You know, I took your advice about overcoming pain with visualization, I'm going to throw these painkillers away.

Karen:
Oh, I'll throw them away for you, yep, right in the ol' trashcan. (tossing the pills down her her throat)

Karen:
A gay man breaking into the ranks of nursing? Why, that's like a butch girl playing softball - you just don't see it every day!

Will:
Hey, Nurse Sheila, right? You were my nurse at the sperm bank.

Sheila:
I'm not so good with faces. Drop your pants and I'll see if it rings a bell.

Jack:
If Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds has taught us anything, it's that it's so much easier to learn from attractive people.

Karen:
What's better than a nice, hot cup of cocoa after riding your maid in the snow?

Jack:
Karen, isn't that Candice Bergen, your archenemy slash best friend?

Karen:
Oh my God! This is a nightmare slash delightful!

Candice Bergen:
Jack, there are two things I've learned in my long career. The first is to never take yourself too seriously. The second is to always wear a double layer of underpants when you're doing a bed scene with Jack Nicholson.

Cheryl:
Are you a Fanilow, too?

Grace:
No, dear. I'm a doctor's wife.

Karen:
This is Jackie, he's a 'Fagilow.'

Karen:
I was only shtupping you to shtick it to her!

Lyle Finster:
But I don't undershtand!

[Karen is on the phone with Rosario]

Karen:
Rosie, I'm glad you're home. You got a minute? I'm a little down. You see, the guy I'm in love with, it turns out that he don't love me no mo'. But you know what? I'm not going to give up! No, I'm not! Because when you meet someone that you feel a deep connection with, you must do everything in your power to - Ohhh, the bitch hung up on me!

[Grace ducks under the table to pick up the bowl of noodles she dropped.]

Karen:
Grace, please! A girl'll do anythin' to get a peek at my pie!

[Will's wealthy, much older "friend" has just bought him a horse]

Grace:
Oh my God, you've got a sugar daddy!

Jack:
This is so unfair! I'd do a sugar daddy for a horse. Hell, I'd do a horse for a sugar daddy!

Jack:
Hey, I just got your message. You needed to see my ass and pee?

Will:
I needed to see you A.S.A.P.

Stewart:
[to Will, about Jack] I want you to set us up. I want him to be the lord of my ring.

Jack:
A woman on the elevator said we were a cute couple!

Stewart:
Well, it was more like, "Stop making out or the fires of Hell will consume you."

Jack:
It's just an expression, like, "We don't want your kind in our neighborhood," or "There he is - get him!"

[Will is the only single person in a couples cooking class]

Ann:
Add four cups of cooking oil. Will, for you, that's two. Now, add two cups of chicken stock. Will, for you, that's one. Add a tablespoon of salt. Will, for you...

Will:
[exasperated] Let me guess, half?

Ann:
No, go ahead and use the whole thing. You're alone - you might as well bloat.

Stuart:
I'm impressed that you're working with patients already.

Jack:
Thanks. Although, as a student nurse, I can't technically touch them, treat them or care for them. But I can look kindly at them and be thankful I'm not them.

Stuart:
And that's the best medicine of all.

Karen:
These muffins are specially designed to keep you regular. There are two things I will not tolerate in this house: racism and constipation!

Rosario:
Yeah, you're the Rosa Parks of pooping.

Karen:
[of Lorraine] I've been like a mother to that girl. I've locked her in her room, I've told her she was fat, and the other day I left her in a store!

[Will and Grace have kept Jack from moving in with Stuart so they can sell their house at a huge profit]

Grace:
I knew the minute you said that to Jack, you were doing the wrong thing, but I was helpless to stop you.

Will:
You hopped on board. You made the final sale.

Grace:
You hypnotized me with your Svengali-like powers.

Will:
And yet I can't get you to stop biting your toenails.

Grace:
How else do you get them shorter?

Eden:
You're such a good kisser! You kiss like a girl!

Will:
I throw like one, too.

Karen:
I was downstairs making a ham sandwich, and I heard Stan's voice!

Jack:
Oh my God! Did you put mayo on it?

Karen:
Honey, Stan spoke to me!

Jack:
Well, you know, it makes sense. In Native American mythology, the refrigerator is the medium for dead fat people.

Jack:
Hey, wanna be my second choice for the movies? We can go to a family film and look for gay subtext.

Jack:
That's it - I'm done with men! I'm into women now. C'mon, let's make hot, hetero love to each other. Take off your breasts and turn around.

Grace:
Oh, if only that was the first time a guy had said that to me.

Karen:
We need a new show... Something that combines the gay sensibility of Sex in the City with the gay sensibility of Frasier and the gay sensibility of Friends.

Vince:
Look, I'm a romantic. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when a guy takes another guy out, he should treat him like a lady.

Karen:
So has Grace met your new fella?

Will:
Not yet.

Karen:
Then how do you know if you like him?

Karen:
Every healthy relationship between a gay man and a straight woman has a "sell by" date.

[Tina thinks George is cheating on her]

Tina:
[to Will] Will you talk to him, find out if it's true? Please, I have no one else to go to. I'd go to my girlfriends, but I've slept with all their husbands.

Karen:
So, Elliott, queerleading tryouts, huh?

Elliott:
Cheerleading.

Karen:
Yeah, well, let's see what the kids are calling it when they're stuffing you in your locker.

[Will reads his speech to Sheila]

Will:
And never forget, dreams are like feathers: If you have enough, you can fly.

Sheila:
Wow. Maybe I will get back into porn.

Karen:
I'll say it again: Fags really are a hoot.

Jack:
Karen, I can't believe you're doing this. Eloping to Vegas! It's so romantic - taking your sacred vows in the city of water slides and titty bars.

Karen:
Lyle wanted me to walk down the aisle to "Here Comes the Bride". But I told him that, ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed that, at my fourth wedding, I would walk down to aisle to "Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones. And he went for it.

Jack:
That's great, Kare. But I thought you were saving "Sympathy For the Devil" for your fifth wedding.

Karen:
No, that would just be in bad taste. The fifth wedding is traditionally "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy.

Marion:
Oh, Lyle, if only our father was alive to see this!

Lyle:
He isn't?

Marion:
Oh, damn, I knew there was something I was supposed to tell you!

Jennifer Lopez:
Congratulations, Karen and Lyle. And just remember, the secret to a happy marriage is - oh, who am I kidding?

Karen:
Oh, how sweet, a gay man living with his mother...would you like me to pre-heat the oven or do you want to just jump right in?

Dr. Hirschberg:
[about Nurse Sheila] If she weren't my sister, I'd be tappin' that ass big time!