Wizards of Waverly Place, Season 2

Justin:
C'mon Alex, you got a D in lunch.

Theresa:
[walks into the Wizard Lair] Ooh, yay! I'm in the Wizard Lair. Or as I like to call, "The Garage Sale That Never Happened".

Justin:
[holds up the Speed Shirt] This is a Speed Shirt, it gives you supersonic speed.

Max:
Ah, does it grow your hair really long?

Justin:
Speed...shirt...

[Max, confused]

Alex:
Don't forget your collars, its flea season. [laughs] Man, I am on fire!

Isebella:
(Chews Alex's sweater) Now that was fun!

Alex:
Really? Becuase my word was weird

Jerry:
Justin, get in the kitchen right now!

Justin:
OK, Come on Isabella we're going in the kitchen...

Theresa:
No No, Isabella has to stay here because, of, the, the thing

Justin:
What thing?

Jerry:
Justin, you come in the kitchen, Isebella, you stay there

Justin:
If one person in the family hates someone then the others have to hate them, too.

Max:
So, that means if I hate pumpkin pie, you hate pumpkin pie, too?

Justin:
You know I love pumpkin pie!

Dean-Hey Salad, Just like my mama make it.

Max:
No, wait, well..yes. But I'm MAXIMAN!

Alex:
I mean you stop here so often I belive they call it "Dean's Corner"

Annoucer:
3,2,1. Evil.

Alex:
(turns around and looks evil)

Justin:
Yeah, it's too late.

Alex:
(looks at Ronald) I don't look like him, do I? (takes off Justin's glasses and looks at her reflection and gasps)

Max:
I love tether ball! It's the only ball you can never lose!

Max:
Oh I heard him! He said that you and him are going to start your evil lives together! Congratulations!

Justin:
Couldn't we just wait for the elevator to come back up?

Max:
Justin, even I know that's a bad idea!

Ronald:
And Professor Crumbs, I'm firing you! And just to prove that I am evil, I'll take that beard.

Professor Crumbs:
(takes off his beard and gives it to Ronald)

Alex:
(shocked and covers her mouth)

Justin:
(shocked and takes off his glasses)

Professor Crumbs:
Not your spit! Bull's eye!

Jerry:
Oh, Okay .. Well then D Battery Guy does. [Wears a purse]

Jerry:
"Popcon's in town!

Justin:
"Popcon's in town!!"

Theresa:
"Popcon's in town!?"

Max:
"Popcorn's in town!!? That doesn't make any sense...why am I so excited?"

Alex:
We can call it...a parade balloon! [Loudly] Hey everyone! I'm just looking at that realistic looking parade balloon!

Harper:
Then why did you yell at that guy playing in front of your restaurant?

Alex:
Singing about your girl? Oh wah wah wah. You're playing in front of a restaurant, no wonder she's gone.

Alex:
[to her family] Did you know they're making parade balloons more realistic looking? Just keep that in mind in case that comes up...

[Taxi crashes through kitchen window]

Alex:
[unconvincingly] Oh my goodness! A realistic parade balloon broke free!

Jerry:
Who's going to run the Sub Station? That's the only reason we had you kids!

Alex:
(looks at him)

Jerry:
Not you.

Alex:
(smiles)

Harper:
I'm going to start being careful right now. (slips) Whoa! (gets caught) Oh that was close. I almost slipped on my cheddar cheese fairy dust. (walks beside the cheddar cheese then falls off the stage)

Alex:
Harper, are you okay?

Harper:
I don't know. Is my foot suppose to bend this way?

Alex:
(goes down the stage)

Mr. Laritate:
Alex! Congratulations! You get to saddle up for the rodeo!

Alex:
(gets back onstage and takes a few steps back) Out of my way. I gotta throw myself off the stage.

Justin:
Make some room!

Mr. Laritate:
(stops Alex) You're in the show, Alex.

Alex:
(tries to run)

Mr. Laritate:
(stops Alex again)

Alex:
Yes.

Justin:
With feeling!

Alex:
(whispers) Oh. (to Zeke) With feeling.

Alex:
Ew! (tries to clean the floor)

Justin:
Would you die already?!

Alex:
Fine! (gets a pillow and sits on it then whispers) I'm Dead.

Max:
Hey I've got something that will put our name on the wizard map!

(Justin and Jerry look interested.)

Max:
Okay, how about a spell to make clear plastic that's sticky on one side and it helps wizards put drawings on the refrigerator? I'll call it, Russo's Sticky Strips.

Justin:
You know, that sounds vaguely similar to something that we have right here (picks up tape), called tape.

(Max observes the tape)

Max:
Oh man! This is even better than mine! It has a convenient clear holder and a serrated edge for clean cuts!

Alex:
As teacher's deputy... [walks over to TJ] TJ, why don't you take out your sketch pad and draw yourself a detention slip?

TJ:
I'll show you a detention slip!

Alex:
Thank you, that's exactly what I wanted to hear.

TJ:
Well that backfired.

Max:
This is awesome!

Justin:
Is it Max? Is this what you really wanted for your birthday?!

Alex:
If we live I am SO taking my gift card back!

Alex:
Did she steal our stories?

Justin:
Wait.

Alex:
Did she steal our stories?

Justin:
Wait. [reads for a few more seconds then slams the book close] She stole our stories!

Alex:
I knew it! Our stories are making this lady rich!

Harper:
And famous!

Justin:
And famous! There's a crazy ten minute sale, the kids get stuck in a movie, the brother turns invisible and they pour orange soda into a genie's lamp.

Future Harper:
I'm Harper from the future.

Future Harper:
Ooh you seem upset. Did Mason break up with you already?

Alex:
Who's Mason?

[Alex picks up book]

Random Girl:
[gasps] Alex Russo has a book!

Alex:
(shouting at Harper at the Grand Canyon) HARPER! I GIVE YOU PERMISSION!

Harper:
WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Alex:
I GIVE YOU PERMISSION!

Harper:
A MISSION TO DO WHAT?

Alex:
THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!

Harper:
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE? I ALREADY SAW THAT!

Alex:
MEET ME BACK AT THE HOUSE!

Harper:
OKAY!

Alex:
OH, SO NOW YOU HEAR THAT? (leaves)

Mr. Laritate:
(after Alex gives a speech on what she realized about the structure of the Helpers Club) That was a wonderful speech... (gets excited) Worthy of a ribbon!

(Happy Helpers cheer)

Alex:
(frustrated) No! I dont want a ribbon!

Mr. Laritate:
It's either that or suspension.

Alex:
(takes the ribbon) Oh, its a lovely ribbon.

Max:
I got a date! I got a date! I got a date!

Jerry:
Oh, Max. I told you. If a girl walks in and asks if we do take-out, it doesn't mean she wants to take you out.

Max:
At least give me a spell to fix this!

Alex:
[calls] You're on your own, jerkface!

Max:
Thank you! [takes out wand, and tries to cast spell] 'You're on your own, jerkface!'

Mom:
I'm a bit of a practical joker myself.

Max:
Really?

Mom:
Yeah I've played a lot of jokes on your father over the years

Max:
Like what?

Mom:
Well like, wadding up his clothes so they get all wrinkled. (laughs) Or putting a sign on his back that says something hilarious... like umm.. "My knees hurt in the morning." (laughs) or or umm..."I could use a good shower." (laughs harder)

Max:
Mom, those are the worse practical jokes I've ever heard.

Mom:
What?! Maybe you just don't understand them the note says "My knees hurt in the morning." (laughing) That way when people read it they'll think he's a stinky geezer. (laughs hysterically while jumping up and down) (she looks at Max's expressionless face)

Mom:
Don't you get it? You don't get it?

Alex:
(waves her wand) What he did.

Justin:
Who wrote down one syllable?

Max:
I did.

Jerry:
You were supposed to write titles.

Justin:
That is infuriating isn't it. Doesn't it make you want to... throw a table.

Jerry:
I'm sure there's a book titled "One Syllable" somewhere out there.

Jerry:
No Alex, you stay, you're not disqualified. I got that fair and square. [stands up] YOUR MOTHER IS STACKING THE TEAMS AGAINST ME!!

Justin:
That's what I'm talking about!

Theresa:
What? You heard her she cheated.

Justin:
And I'm livid. You know what? They should both be disqualified out of here.

Jerry:
Oh, this is totally bogus!

Max:
Dad's pouting 'cause he lost a fight again,

Theresa:
No! We are not fighting, that's one thing we are not doing; we're not fighting. So stop fighting! The neighbors can hear us!

Woman:
That's it! I'm calling the cops.

Jerry:
(moves his arms like he's karate chopping)

Max:
Karate Kid!

Jerry:
We are not fighting! We're trying to make a good impression!

Alex:
[To Justin] You want to hear a billion year old guy talk about falling? Just go hang out with Grandpa

Jakara:
I will hang out with Isante and Scott.

Alex:
[to Tutor] I like you...I hope you don't wreck it.

[Justin walks in to Wizard's Lair]

Justin:
What are you doing?

Alex:
You'll be interested to know that I've found the perfect present for dad.

Justin:
[gasps][whispers to skull staff] She's going to turn her lips into a zipper!

Alex:
Oh! That's a good shot! How long have you been working on that one?

Justin:
Since the day that mom came home and said "Look! There's your little sister, Justin!"

[huge alien spaceship lands in Waverly Place]

Zeke:
Can you guys believe it! Aliens have landed on Waverly Place!

Max:
Yeah well who's gonna tell them they can't park there? There gonna get towed...

[Aliens aiming guns at the family]

Theresa:
Jerry! Help us!

[Jerry gasps. Looks back and forth between family and milkshake machine.]

Jerry:
Ahh!

[Runs to protect milkshake machine]

Jerry:
Not the milkshake machine! PLEASE!!!!

Theresa:
[To Family] I knew it!

Lead Alien:
What happened? Where did the milkshake machine go?

Alex:
Justin, you did it!

[Justin walks into the room holding one of the alien's guns]

Justin:
Luckily one of those aliens dropped this thing and I was able to quickly figure out how to operate their advanced technology. It's a switch!

Lead Alien:
Hand over the Milkshake Machine

[Jerry holds Max in front of him]

Jerry:
Here's the Milkshake Machine

Theresa:
JERRY!!!

Theresa:
Let's find Alex and get out of here.

Jerry:
Right, and before she figures out that there's a school on board.

Alex:
Did you guys know that there is a school on board?

Justin:
Okay, Alex. I got exactly what I wanted: a date with London Tipton.

Alex:
Great!

Justin:
Not great. I lied to get her.

Alex:
Still great!

Justin:
No. I got exactly what I wanted and now it's all terrible because she's not so smart.

Alex:
What do you mean?

Justin:
Max thinks she's dumb.

Alex:
Oh, you gotta dump her.

London:
Oh my gosh! Bailey?! She's choking! She's choking! Dr. Fossil, help her! You're a doctor!

Justin:
I don't know how to save her!

London:
What kind of doctor doesn't know how to save a person's life?!

Justin:
Look, I was going to tell you-

London:
Tell me what? That you're not a very smart doctor?!

Alex:
Bailey! (gives Bailey abdominal thrusts and Bailey stops choking) Bailey, are you okay?

Bailey:
Yes, thank you! (hugs Alex)

Mr. Moseby:
You just saved her life. What's your name again?

Alex:
Ashley Simpson!

Alex:
Well, at least I had fun in the sun before I got stuck in that class.

Harper:
At least I got to go on a cruise I had no business on.

Alex:
(smiles) I'll see you back home. (casts a spell) From east to west, this spell's no jest, wherever we roam, send Harper back home. (Harper disappears) Wait, did I say roam or home first? Eh, she'll like Rome.

Justin:
That's why they had fangs.

Jerry:
You're dating the competition? How could you do this to us?

Justin:
I used magic to add 5 extra minutes to my break schedule. So now when I take my break, it'll be for 25 minutes at a time.

Alex:
(Stares at him in disbelief, then shakes her head.) You used MAGIC to do this? (Wipes off a "0" on the white board and writes a "5".) Ugh, Justin! You could have used magic to, I don't know, stop time, freeze Mom and Dad so they couldn't find you, create an alternate universe where you and Juliet could date for like a year but it would only be one minute of our time. Something big and magical!

Justin:
I also used it to grow 2 inches.

Alex:
You are a WizIDIOT!

Max:
(inside a giant Jack-o-Lantern) You're probably jealous because I moved out of the house before you did. Tell Mommy and Daddy I said "Hi", loser!

Justin:
Okay. I'll tell them. (turns to the house) Hey Mom, Dad; the kid living in the Jack-o-Lantern thinks I'm the loser!

Alex:
(about Juliet's parents' plans to suck her and Harper's blood) Wait a minute, so you were planning this the whole time? Unbelievable! Well! Maybe this goes without saying, but I quit!

Harper:
(to Alex) I kinda need the job, so I'm going to take my chances.

Jerry:
Not until you apologize for almost biting my daughter's neck and turning her into a vampire for all of eternity!

Cindy:
Alright, alright, we're sorry! Why don't we smooth it over with a little bit of ice cream?

Jerry:
Really? You're about to turn our daughter into a vampire, and you think you can just "smooth it over" with some ice cream?

Alucard:
So you don't want the ice cream?

Jerry:
No, we want the ice cream.

Theresa:
Jerry!

Jerry:
Um...and I think we need more of an apology.

Cindy:
Unlimited toppings?

Jerry:
I accept your apology. I'll take mine in a cup.

Alex:
Dad! They were just about to eat our blood!

Jerry:
That's right! This is unacceptable! Harper was going to be the one to take care of us in our old age!

Harper:
(quietly) Yes!

Alucard:
Alright! I'll make dinner, too! Who's up for some really rare steaks?

Jerry:
Justin, you've got to stop buying me those parenting books. I'm not going to read them!

Justin:
Hi, dad. You must have noticed how down I was and wanted to come talk.

Jerry:
No, we need the table.

Alex:
No, I know you can sing. I'm just saying, do you really want to do it in front of all of those people? Staring right up at you? Waving their cellphones, taking your picture? Putting it on the internet for people to see over and over and over again, so people can watch it for years and years and years?

Justin:
No, it's gonna-it's gonna be great. Because after that, I'm going to ask her to go steady with me.

Alex:
(scoffs) Go steady? Whose prom are you going to, grandpa's?

Max:
It feels good to be appreciated.

Alex:
Yeah, don't get use to it.

Alex:
So that's where the fliers went.

Max:
Yes! Zombies are coming man! Don't worry, I already locked the doors. Nobody can get in, and we can't get out.

Alex and Justin:
(mad at Max for being an idiot) Did you at least find the No Fear Ring? I could really use it right now.

Alex:
Harper has it. That's why she's standing up to the zombies.

Alex:
We're always one step ahead of them. (low fives Harper and leaves with her)

Justin:
[Referring to their aunt] Well we're gonna have to find a way to get her back here so she could retake the test!

Jerry:
Well, the problem is nobody knows where she is!

Justin:
Well we're gonna have to find her then!

Max:
[Stands up] I have a magnifying glass, will that help?

Justin:
[Looks to his dad than back] She's not tiny!

Max:
You said she was an ant!

Megan:
(about Kelbo) Yep, you're just like him.

Max:
Thank you!

Megan:
That wasn't a compliment.

Max:
Thank you!

Megan:
It was an insult.

Max:
Thank you!

Theresa:
(Holding nose) I hate living with wizards.

Alex:
(making a prank call) Excuse me but is your refrigerator running?

Megan:
Alex, I know it's you. I can see Kelbo's wand number on my caller ID.

Alex:
Guys, she's on to us!

Justin:
We forgot to dial pound, horse, unicorn!

Alex:
What do we do?!

Uncle Kelbo:
What we always do! Run! (pushes Max and Justin and runs)

Theresa:
The minute Justin tried to magically glue me to my chair, I knew something was up. You will NOT stop, will you?!

Alex:
Well, what am I supposed to do?! Since you've decided you wanted to control EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF MY LIFE.

Theresa:
Please. Do you think I'm doing this for me? Like you're actually pleasant to be around?

Alex:
I am 16! You can't keep telling me...what to do!

Theresa:
Watch me. For the rest of this trip you are going to be pleasant and present...

Alex:
You can't make me.

Theresa:
When we get home, you are grounded for two months. That's right. No dating, no parties, no magic...

Alex:
MOM!

Theresa:
Not another word. I've had it. Now put that stuff away. (leaves the room and shuts the door behind her)

Alex:
OH, I HATE you! I WISH YOU AND DAD HAD NEVER EVEN MET! (the wand in her hand glows and an aurora starts to fill the room causing the spell)

Alex:
Justin, help me. What spell do I use?

Justin:
Why would I help you?

Alex:
Cause you're my brother. Look I'm sorry you didn't...

Justin:
I'm your brother?!

Alex:
No, no Justin. Please you can't leave me here, please remember. I'm Alex, I'm your little sister. I taunt you, and I tease you, and I make your life miserable, but you love me anyway. You're everything that I ever wanted to be. I'm jealous of how smart you are, and how kind, and how nice. Please don't leave me here.

Justin:
I'd never leave you. I don't know who you are, but I believe you.

Alex:
Okay, what spell do I use?

Justin:
What's going on? I don't...I don't know the sitiuation. (twister comes)

Alex:
NO,JUSTIN! (twister takes Justin) NO! (to Jerry) You have to help me. Justin should've won this not me.

Jerry:
Just be calm. You can do this.

Alex:
Reverse the spell, don't make me scream and yell.

Jerry:
Try another one. Focus.

Alex:
Because of words of hate, do not my brothers take. I don't know how to do this. Please help me.

Jerry:
Oh honey, I'm sorry,I think it's too late.

Alex:
No, it can't be too late.

Theresa:
Hey, will this help? (throws the stone to Alex)

Alex:
(catches the stone) The stone.

Jerry:
Careful you only have one wish, but if you do it right, you can get your borthers back and still be a full wizard. Just, just wish for them to reappear. Okay?

Alex:
No. No it's much more than that. I want everything to be exactly the way it was.

Theresa:
Alex!

Alex:
Mom?

Theresa:
The minute Justin tried to magically glue me to my chair, I knew something was up. You will NOT stop, will you?!

Alex:
Mom! (Hugs Theresa) I am so, so sorry. I could never hate you. I love you. You know that, right? And I'm not just saying that. I mean that.

Theresa:
Well, yeah, of course I know that, honey. But you're still grounded.

Alex:
Yes, I know. I can't wait to be grounded. Ground me, take away my magic, I don't care.

Theresa:
Okay. As long as you've learned your lesson. (Hugs Theresa Again)

Justin:
Hey, Alex!

Alex:
Justin! Max!

Theresa:
You miss your brothers?

Justin:
[to Professor Crumbs] You're the one with the beard and yet I'm the mature one.

Baby Cupid:
I'm a baby, I forget things. Hey look! I have a belly button