WKRP in Cincinnati, Season 4

Andy:
We have a responsibility to our listeners!

Johnny:
Right! If I die, who's gonna teach the children about Bo Diddley?

Johnny:
Well?

Venus:
Well what?

Johnny:
Well, go back in there and get the albums.

Venus:
Need I remind you that the police are going to search every inch of this station, including your desk drawer?

Johnny:
I'll go get those albums.

Johnny:
[after hearing the sirens] It's the phone cops. They know what I did here today.

Venus:
What are you talking about?

Johnny:
They're coming to get me, man!

Venus:
That's paranoia, man!

Johnny:
Wake up, sucker, this is the phone company we're talking about! They see everything, they know everything, they got their own covert police force! I'm probably wired for sound right now! I gotta get out of here!

Venus:
Johnny!

Johnny:
Don't use my name!!

Les:
Johnny! Venus! You're alive!

Johnny:
The newsman's eye. You just can't fool it.

Les:
Well, that's wonderful.

Venus:
Gee thanks, Les.

Les:
Of course, I'll have to update my story. How'd you like it, Andy?

Andy:
How'd I like what, Les?

Les:
My four o'clock news report. Didn't you listen?

Andy:
Les, the transmitter blew up!

Les:
Of course! That was my lead!

Johnny:
You led off the newscast by telling them that we're off the air?

Les:
No. But I can include that in my update.

Jennifer:
I already belong to a union. It's a quasi-religious group called the International Sisterhood of Blond Receptionists. There are only twelve members in the world. We meet once every two years in Switzerland. If I told you our minimum salary you'd have a heart attack and die. Bye.

Johnny:
WKRP, with your generous help and support, has now climbed to 10th place in the Cincinnati market! If I sound emotional about this, it's because I can still hear my father saying: "Son, no matter what you decide to do in this life, always try to come in 10th." I think we've done it here, Dad!

Bailey:
[to Herb] Continuity is so important. Thank you for always being a jerk.

Andy:
You're paranoid.

Johnny:
Hey, Travis, when everybody is out to get you, paranoid is just good thinking!

Bailey:
[in jail] You don't think they're going to fingerprint us, do you? "Bailey Quarters, Summa Cum Laude Ohio State, Sex Pervert!"

Les:
Where are we going?

Herb:
To be among the living, Les.

Les:
But I was going to Omaha!

Mr. Carlson:
Jennifer, in a little while when I'm happy again because we've made a sale, remind me what's been said about me and by whom. A certain little salesman I know is going to suffer.

Les:
[pointing at the stairs] Do these lead upstairs?

Johnny:
It depends on which way you're going.

Jennifer:
Johnny Fever has come into a great deal of money.

Mr. Carlson:
That soft drink machine break again?

Les:
What is an executrix?

Herb:
I don't know. High heels and a whole lot of leather, something like that.

Herb:
Hey, Jenny, I didn't get a chance to tell you how sorry I am that that Colonel guy bought the farm. Hey, he had a long life, a lot of dough, he got to go out with you, caught the big bus while he was eating in the best joint in town. Not bad, if you ask me!

Jennifer:
[Smiling] Sometimes I really like you, Herb. You really have a way with words.

Herb:
Hey. I'm in sales!

Mr. Carlson:
Next week I'll just take a little vacation, take Herb and Les with me - maybe Johnny too, you can never tell what he's gonna do...

Andy:
Wait a minute, you can't just clear out the station!

Mr. Carlson:
Why not? Just bring him here, introduce him to Jennifer, she'll wink at him a few times and he goes home.

Andy:
And what if he is a she?

Mr. Carlson:
Well then you wink at him.

Mrs. Carlson:
Why Hirsch! This coffee's delicious!!

Hirsch:
Umm hmm. That's because we were having a guest, Madame. When it's just you and me, I prepare it a little differently.

Mr. Carlson:
[on the phone] Thank you very much! It's nice talking to you too! Bye!

Jennifer:
Who was that?

Mr. Carlson:
My mom.

Jennifer:
Really!

Mr. Carlson:
Yeah. She was pleasant! No guilt feelings! Something's wrong, of course. She's dying.

Venus:
Andy's dating Mrs Carlson!

Andy:
Don't tell anybody!

Venus:
Andy's not dating Mrs Carlson!

Johnny:
Which one, his wife or his mother?

Andy:
His mother. What kind of guy do you think I am?

Johnny:
Gee, Travis, I don't know!

Carmen:
I didn't join that sorority, because...

Mr. Carlson:
Because you felt sorry for me.

Carmen:
No! Because to get in I had to show up with a loser, a dip, a clown.

Mr. Carlson:
Thanks, Carmen!

Carmen:
And one minute after you picked me up, I knew you were none of those things. You were for me.

Mr. Carlson:
It wasn't really an 'official' fraternity. Mother sort of rented this house for a bunch of us who couldn't get in.

Venus:
Andy, real speed is gone because it killed everybody. Junkies don't even want it back!

Johnny:
And once the Republicans got in, everyone just switched to downers!

Mr. Carlson:
Where do they go, anyway, Travis?

Andy:
What's that, sir?

Mr. Carlson:
The donuts. When I eat those suckers, they go straight for my beltline. When you eat them, apparently they turn into hair.

Herb:
Watch out for those reporters, they'll tear you to pieces. I mean, they already have their story, and then they come up here with this pre-conceived notion and put a hatchet right in your back. Remember last year when I was on that TV show? They killed me.

Venus:
Yeah, but I'm not trying to hide anything.

Herb:
I wasn't trying to hide anything!

Andy:
Come on, Herbert, you were trying to pretend you were something you're not.

Venus:
Human.

Herb:
Aren't we all trying to hide something? And in the larger sense, isn't that what makes us human?

Venus:
Where'd you get that speech?

Herb:
Read it on a T-Shirt.

Bailey:
Have you noticed that you can't tell what color someone is over the phone?

Venus:
I guess not.

Bailey:
That's right! Stereotype thinking! I mean, when I heard Black Life Magazine, I was expecting him to be like "Hey, little momma, you tell the dude I'll be here at fo'." But he didn't. He sounded just like you!

Venus:
What does she mean "just like me?" I'm black, I'm from the street, I can say "fo'!"

Johnny:
That's right, Kingfish. You is, and you does. But the problem is, you sound neutral.

Venus:
Neutral. You mean 'white.'

Johnny:
Well, don't worry, pal. I've heard you say "upside your head," things like that. Don't worry, you can pass for black.

Venus:
I don't want to "pass for black," I want to be black! What the hell am I saying?

Herb:
My wife and I went to Washington about three years ago. The Lincoln Memorial is pretty good. There's a great big guy sitting in a chair.

Les:
Monster lizard ravages east coast! Mayors in five New England cities have issued emergency requests for federal disaster relief as a result of a giant lizard that descended on the east coast last night! Officials say that this lizard, the worst since '78, has devastated transportation, disrupted communication, and left many hundreds homeless!

Johnny:
Monster lizard?

Les:
The wire service never lies!

Johnny:
Les, the "B" is out on the printer! It's monster blizzard!

Les:
Are you trying to tell me that I'm not worthy of Lorraine?

Jennifer:
No, I'm trying to tell you that Lorraine is not worthy of you.

Les:
She cost $200.

Jennifer:
No, she charges $200. Les, I'm talking about the oldest profession.

Les:
Lorraine's a farmer?

Andy:
Herbert, I do not need a computerized service to help me find girls. I meet 'em the old-fashioned way: I pick them up in bars.

Les:
Officer Shanks, explain fire.

Fireman:
What?

Les:
Exactly why do things burn?

Fireman:
What kind of a station is this?

Les:
The phones are dead! The phones are dead!

Venus:
Not now, Les!

Les:
Well, shouldn't we call somebody?

Andy:
Les, your stories always seem to have a kind of a, uh... how shall I put this?

Johnny:
Barnyard aroma?

Mr. Carlson:
[on Les' demand for walls] You know, I think walls would be good for him. Big padded ones, about that thick.

Mrs. Carlson:
[to Andy] If you're going to grab me, do it nicely-in the back seat of my Rolls.

Venus:
Couldn't I have a cosmic name for a boy, like Pluto!

Andy:
That's a dog's name.

Venus:
Mercury.

Andy:
That guy brings flowers. Now listen. What do you think of when you hear the name "Venus?"

Venus:
Flytrap.

Andy:
The plant that eats bugs?

Bailey:
You don't like parties? You don't like putting on a silly hat, hiding behind furniture, and generally stripping yourself of every shred of human dignity?

Johnny:
Now that you put it that way, I do like that.

Johnny:
Travis, you should've heard Bailey with the news. It's the first time it ever made sense.

Jennifer:
I like when Les does it. It's always so surreal.

Mr. Carlson:
Well, Herb, what do you think? What we have here is an ad for Soul Suds Shampoo, a shampoo that's exclusively marketed to the hip black customer. Am I right?

Herb:
Yes, sir.

Mr. Carlson:
Then why are we looking at a picture of this really idiotic-looking white man?

Herb:
[into the phone] You call yourselves printers? There were fifty photos of a black guy in a tuxedo holding a bottle of shampoo, and one photo of a white guy barbecuing, and you used the white guy! ... I don't care which photo I marked. I made the mistake and you people were supposed to catch it, that's what I pay you for. Don't you remember? I screw up everything! You should know that if it comes from me, it's wrong!

Johnny:
Here's how we do it. We go into the supermarket. [to Bailey] You create a ruckus in the produce section. [to Venus] You grab the poster, slip it under your jacket, we're out the door!

Bailey:
What kind of ruckus?

Johnny:
I don't know, uh, something with mangoes.

Bailey:
Mangoes?

Andy:
[entering] Hey, Venus, don't worry about the posters; they'll be out of the supermarkets by tomorrow.

Venus:
Thank goodness.

Bailey:
Oh, too bad. I was just getting a mental picture of me and those mangoes.

Johnny:
Yeah...?

Johnny:
Statistics, right? I don't trust 'em. Statistically speaking, anybody who's led the kind of life that I have should look completely wasted.

Andy:
Can you give me three solid reasons why Les should be fired?

Mrs. Carlson:
Yes-he's incompetent, unprofessional, and very weird.

Mrs. Carlson:
[after her son has asked for lemonade] Hirsch, go squeeze a lemon.

Hirsch:
Yes, ma'am! I might suggest you do the same!

[Andy and Bailey, in Mr. Carlson's office, have just discussed the fake news story that Bailey wrote and Les plagiarized on air]

Andy:
[as Bailey is leaving] Bailey?

Bailey:
Hm?

Andy:
You ever do that again, you'll be the best-looking reporter on the unemployment line.

Bailey:
Right.

[Bailey opens the door, then stops, and turns to look at Andy with a surprised expression on her face]

Bailey:
"Best-looking?"

[Andy nods]

Bailey:
Ooh. [smiles and departs]

Hirsch:
[after Dr. Johnny Fever has arrived] I'll just interrupt madam's meditation on the veranda. It is Dr. Johnny Fever?

[Johnny nods]

Hirsch:
[calling out onto the veranda] Madam--your physician is here!

Mr. Carlson:
I've been in my office all morning just hanging it out.