Xena: Warrior Princess, Season 4

Xena:
Gabrielle, I'm entering a world of darkness I promised myself I would never return to. It's the only way I can see you again. My mind has lost its center. It's turning...turning...can't hold it...can't hold it...

Borias:
What would you do if I told you I am in love?

Xena:
I'd cut out your sweetheart's throat. You think I wouldn't?

Borias:
No, I mean I'm in love with you.

Xena:
With me? Have you lost what's left of your mind? People like you and me don't fall in love...not with each other, anyway.

Xena:
Even in death, Gabrielle, I will never leave you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You gave my life meaning and joy. You will be a part of me forever.

Xena:
I hate the dead ... you can't take vengeance on them.

Alti:
Ah, but you can.

Alti:
Your friend you told me about, Lao Ma, her powers come from denial, from self-sacrifice, from the Light. That's not for people like you and me. I want to tap into the heart of darkness, the sheer naked will behind all cravings, hatred and violence. I will become the face of death destroying not only a person's body, but their soul. Help me and I'll make you Destroyer of Nations.

Cyane:
Our holy word should have been strong enough to undo whatever it was that kept us from eternity, but still we can't pass through the gate.

Xena:
Then maybe you need a new holy word, one stronger than the last.

Cyane:
Our holy word is Courage. Nothing's stronger than courage.

Oteri:
The Berzerker!

Xena:
[incredously] That's the Berzerker? [points at the man she just killed]

Oteri:
No, that's the Berzerker! [points to a warrior riding up]

Xena:
This new power that she has, the one that makes you relieve your past, its a thoughie.

Cyane:
Don't put your soul in her hands, Xena, she'll destroy it.

Xena:
You won a spiritual duel. How'd you do that?

Cyane:
Your choices are simple, side with us and find life...side with Alti and find death.

Alti:
Tell me who she is. Tell me who the blond one is. Tell me who she is.

Xena:
She's goodness and innocence, Alti, and she'll live inside me forever. She frightens you because she represents what can defeat you.

Alti:
Son of Darkness, Enemy of the Land, come and curse the child that Xena carries within her. Make sure that he never experiences the love of either of his parents.

Yakut:
This must be what the prophecy wants. She's lost all her powers. Maybe they passed to you. Do you feel any different?

Oteri:
A little.

Yakut:
(punches Oteri in the face) No, that couldn't have been it. If you had her powers I never would have got that punch in.

Alti:
Your little friend is dying with you, Xena. How does that make you feel?

Xena:
Good.

Alti:
Good?

Xena:
Because if she's dying in my future it means SHE'S ALIVE NOW!.

Hope/Gabrielle:
I can't believe you're here.

Xena:
The Gods themselves couldn't keep me away.

Xena:
So, how's she been?

Herodotus:
Without you ... just fine.

Xena:
I meant after everything she's been through.

Herodotus:
You should know, seducing her away from home with your heroics, filling her head with strange ideas. How's she been? Changed forever ... because of you.

Joxer:
(Counting sheep) One, two, three, fo...(falls asleep)

Gabrielle:
(to Lila) I know that thing out there looks like me, but it's not. She wants to kill us all.

Hope:
It's turned into quite the family reunion. What is it now ... four generations? Your parents ... there's you ... me ... my pride, my joy ... your grandson, Mother ... the Destroyer.

Gabrielle:
Why aren't you dead?

Hope:
Well, it's certainly not from your lack of trying, is it? The truth is I could say the same thing about you if I cared, which I don't.

Gabrielle:
I saw the fire. No one survives that.

Hope:
No one, but me, Dahak's flame rising up to save me. But then, I've always been Daddy's little girl, haven't I?

Gabrielle:
Always

Hope:
Is that why you never loved me?

Gabrielle:
I loved you, Hope. I just had to stop you.

Hope:
For Xena?

Gabrielle:
No, for us all.

Xena:
Give it a rest, Gabrielle.

Gabrielle:
No, not until you clean up your act, Xena.

Xena:
Hey, I'm not the one with the fungus among us.

Gabrielle:
Oh, yeah, that's poetic. Did one of your little bug friends whisper that in your ear?

Joxer:
I figured I'd find you guys here. The trail was too easy to follow. Any idiot could find you.

Xena:
Evidently.

Joxer:
Hey, wait a minute. Those villagers hired me, and only Joxer the Mighty is going to stop the Scythians.

Xena:
Joxer, I once knew a warrior who tried to stop them. They buried him in Sparta, Athens and Carthage.

Joxer:
What do you mean?

Xena:
They buried him in Sparta ... Athens ... and Carthage ... think about it, Joxer.

Xena:
Don't make me hurt you, Scabrielle.

Gabrielle:
Alright, Eczema, what are you going to do, huh? You going to use your pressure points? Go on. Go ahead. Go for it. You can't touch me. C'mon. C'mon, you're really tough now Warrior Princess.

Gabrielle:
Oh, Argo, Argo, Argo. Somebody walked by with an apple and she followed him home.

Xena:
Hah!

Gabrielle:
That's what horses do!

...

(later)

Xena:
(to Argo) How did Ascius win you over? (Argo motions over to an apple tree) What? Apples? You left me for apples? Thanks, pal.

Xena:
I don't ask for much. I just want my pony back. Where's Gabrielle?

Joxer:
Nature called.

Gabrielle:
No, it screamed like a wild banshee.

Xena:
I need a volunteer ... I pick you.

Villager:
Huh?

Xena:
Yeah, don't be shy. Your mother wasn't

Nogalin:
You've done this before.

Gabrielle:
A couple of times.

Nogalin:
I've never been in a war. I've only wondered what it's like. When I think of Phlanagus out there fighting ... sometimes the thoughts are too much to bear.

Gabrielle:
I know what you mean.

Nogalin:
I could tell that he hated it. He wrote to me telling there was no glory, no honor, just a monster that needed to be fed. And now, I finally have him back ... and the monster's followed him home.

Autolycus:
Don't tell me this is another one of those virtue-is-its-own-reward jobs. Oh Xena, I thought better of you, I really did. You know, I might as well go back to Oman. I've got a good thing going there with the King's sister. I'm this close to the crown jewels and he doesn't suspect a thing.

Xena:
He does now. I sent two pigeons.

Xena:
People of Peleos, may I present to you Philipon of Crete, Reformer of warlords, dancers and evil people. It's said that he once convinced the King of Thieves himself to do a good deed for no reward other than his own virtue.

Istafan:
The King of Thieves? That degenerate blowhard?

Autolycus:
Beg your pardon?

Istafan:
Sinners like him never have the courage to be really successful. I'm sure he's just a fraud and an idiot.

Autolycus:
Ha ha ha, no doubt. Would you excuse me? (to Xena) This plan of yours, does it involve humiliating that horse's ass?

Xena:
Yep.

Autolycus:
Then I'm in.

Gabrielle:
What in Tartarus have you been carrying on these shoulders?

Xena:
I wouldn't know. I try not to over analyze my life like some people.

Gabrielle:
Some people say that an unexamined life is not worth living.

Xena:
Those people haven't led my life.

Ursena:
You know what I've spent the last two years asking myself? How can that murdering bitch, Xena, send people away to be punished? You never had to pay for your crimes. That's always bothered me.

Xena:
Then we have something in common. It's always bothered me too.

Najara:
Would you like to join our mission?

Xena:
What's your mission.

Najara:
To fight Evil wherever we find it.

Xena:
Can you be a little more specific?

Najara:
It's a great curse to have seen one's death.

Xena:
The djinn told you?

Najara:
Yes, but not everything. Your vision, does it ...

Xena:
Yes, it includes Gabrielle.

Najara:
Does she know?

Xena:
No.

Najara:
That's fortunate for her.

Xena:
Do you think it can be avoided?

Najara:
Of course, I believe our destiny is in our hearts. But it will take drastic measures to change an event foreseen in your soul's eye.

Najara:
The Light will triumph, Xena.

Xena:
Quit preaching and fight!

Xena:
Did you tell her about the vision?

Najara:
No, that would hurt her and I don't ever want to do that. That's your job.

Gabrielle:
Are you sure I was dying? Xena, the gods know that I have been tied to a cross before. You helped me then, what makes you think that this 'vision' is different?

Xena:
It was so real ... the way you looked ... the mountain in the background ... it's true, or it could be.

Gabrielle:
Well, I'm not going to believe it.

Gabrielle:
What happened?

Xena:
I just got out-smarted by my own tactics.

Xena:
It's alright, he just wants out.

Borias:
Soon, soon I will see my son and I can name him.

Xena:
And you can take him from me. What about us?

Borias:
There is very little left of 'us' anymore, Xena. The only reason our two armies haven't crossed blades is because of a common purpose.

Xena:
And what would that be? It certainly isn't Corinth, you can't convince me of that. No, there's only one reason why you stayed. You want to take this away from me.

Borias:
As any father would. If my son stays here he'll become a target for your enemies. He'll see things a child should not see, and ...

Xena:
He'll become like me.

Satrina:
Oh Xena, the moment I realized you were in command I was ecstatic. Of all the people I have studied you were the most complex, the most brilliant of minds I have defeated thus far. You see, Xena, I never did have that much in the way of muscle, never. But, I am a survivor and I have this incredible ability to put myself in my enemies head. So when I found myself in your custody I realized this was my one chance to learn from the best. That's why I couldn't allow you to see Borias that night. Oh yes, the night your son was born, you had just taken the Santra flower potion and Borias' army attacked.

Xena:
What's the matter, you having trouble getting inside my head right now? Let me help you. You killed Borias, the man who could have changed everything for me if only I had let him. You killed the father of my child and if he had lived then maybe my son would ... you getting inside my head now?

Gabrielle:
(re: Satrina) Do you think she made it?

Xena:
Probably, like she said, she's a survivor.

Autolycus:
Xena? Ha ha ha! Hey, small world, huh? You have business here? Everything seems to be closed. Say, how'd you like to grab a bite to eat? I know this great little place, you'd ... C'mon, Xena, it's just a lousy little ruby. It's not even worth talking about. They won't even know that it's gone.

Guard:
Look! The ruby! It's gone!

Autolycus:
Oh, alright ... (throws the ruby over the wall)

Guard:
The ruby! It's back!

Autolycus:
I gave it back. You happy now?

Xena/Meg:
What are ya? Stupid or something? That thing was worth a fortune!

Meg:
You'd be surprised what a young, nubile guard will scream out when he's about to ...

Joxer:
... meet his maker.

Joxer:
Look, Joxer the Mighty brings Xena Warrior Princess and Autolycus the King of Thieves ...

Meg:
... a.k.a. Mr. Stinky ...

Joxer:
... in chains.

Autolycus:
In chains?

Joxer:
Look look look, let me explain it to you. They're grateful. They make me a lord of the realm and ruler of the treasury. 'More wine, m'lord?' No no. Ha ha! See? I sneak into the treasury, take the key from one of the guards, say something like, 'What's that over there?!' You know? Then I free you two and we walk off rich into the sunset. What do ya think?

Autolycus:
I think it's inbreeding.

Autolycus:
[hits Joxer on the head] Just as I thought, it's hollow.

Meg:
(Holding a replica of the chakram) I have a shamrock and I know how to use it.

Meg:
You see those? They're stars. When I was a little girl, I used to think that all those little lights came from houses in the sky and each one of those houses had a happy family around a cozy fire, and the lights came from all the open windows. And I used to think that at every window there was a little girl just like me looking out at the other lights, and I wondered what it would be like to be one of them. Well, one day we're gonna be one of those little lights. That's a promise.

Joxer:
Whoa, Meg! Nice moves!

Autolycus:
That's not Meg, you idiot! That's Xena!

Kryptos:
Xena?! Two Xena's?!

Xena:
That's right, makes you want to cry like a baby, doesn't it?

Gabrielle:
You're honoring the river, kaltaka.

Vanessa:
Honor life.

Xena:
Well, you have a funny way of showing it. They killed hundreds of us.

Vanessa:
You killers. You kill trees, earth, all. And when we say 'no, go from here,' you kill Pomira.

Xena:
Gabrielle, because of you, Rahl and Adiah now know that their daughter is alive and happy, and not dead like they thought. And because of you, Vanessa has two loving homes. And because of you, for the first time ever, there is peace between us and the Hor ... the Pomira.

Gabrielle:
I did all that? And they call you the hero?

Xena:
You wanna switch? Fine. You kick butt and I'll take notes.

Xena:
Why did you run?

Alesia:
Have you ever heard Joxer tell a story?

Xena:
Well, that's a good point, but all fairy tales have a purpose, and even when Joxer tells them there's a message there.

Alesia:
Yeah... run.

Gabrielle:
It's beautiful, don't you think?

Xena:
Yeah, in that yucky-I'm-in-paradise kind of way.

Gabrielle:
I fell down a hole.

Xena:
Yeah. What is it with you and holes huh?

Xena:
You've got a good heart, Gabrielle, it's pure and it's honest and no one should ever hurt you.

Gabrielle:
I want to ask him to teach me his breathing techniques. Will you come with me?

Xena:
Thanks, but I've been breathing just fine on my own for years now.

Gabrielle:
What's up?

Xena:
Us. At least, we should be. Come on, get up. We could go do some Yoga, get something to eat. We can be on the road by noon.

Gabrielle:
Yoga? We're going to do Yoga? As in you and me? (Chuckles) Okay, who are you and what have you done with Xena?

Xena:
Ha ha.

Xena:
I'm warning you, Tataka, get out while you still can.

Tataka (in Gabrielle's body):
And give up this face and this firm, strong body? Fat chance.

Naima:
There is a great Evil in the future that is hunting Xena's soul. It has found her. If it succeeds, Xena's karmic cycle will end, along with all the good of her future lives.

Gabrielle:
Who is her enemy?

Naima:
I don't know. I had to send her there quickly to defend herself. I was not able to tell her much before she left.

Gabrielle:
Send me there.

Naima:
I'm not sure that's wise.

Gabrielle:
This 'karma' that you're talking about, can you see mine? Can you see how much Xena is a part of that?

Naima:
Yes, in many lives ... past and future.

Alti:
What's she told you about me, little girl? Has she told you about my powers? Has she told you about this? (shows Gabrielle Xena's vision of their deaths) That's my gift to you. That's your future. She's responsible for your death.

Xena:
You BITCH!

Hanuman:
How wonderful. You climb tress just like one of us. You must have learned from monkeys.

Xena:
Nope. Amazons.

Krishna:
You must open up you heart to me if you are going to tap into the strength which will allow you to defeat Indrijit.

Xena:
I thought that's what the prayers were for.

Krishna:
That got my attention. Now you have to go one step further. You have to embrace the Way.

Xena:
The Way? I've heard about the Way in Greece, Chin, Anatolia and now India. I don't get it. The Way is not for people like me.

Krishna:
You're wrong. You're very close to the Way now. However, missing it by the width of a hair is the same as missing it by the height of a mountain.

Xena:
That close, I don't think so. I don't have the patience of Gabrielle, the Love of Eli or the serenity of my mentor Lao Ma. I'm just an angry, ass-kicking ...

Krishna:
... warrior.

Xena:
Yes, a warrior.

Krishna:
You say that with disgust.

Xena:
Well, it doesn't rank up there with the saints, does it?

Xena:
Gabrielle, the Prince needs my help in Arcon. I'm going to go ahead, you go back to Piraeus and catch up with me when you can.

Gabrielle:
Are you sure?

Xena:
Sure I'm sure. Go on, make us both happy.

Gabrielle:
Thank you.

Xena:
Don't mention it.

Gabrielle:
Okay

Xena:
Well, when I say 'Don't mention it,' I mean...you can mention it. (Sulkily) It's just a figure of speech. You don't have to take it literally. It wouldn't kill you to maybe look back or something. Aw, rats. All right, Argo, it's just you and me.

Dustinus:
Oh, by the way, I do not play quadrupeds. Make sure the role reflects that.

Gabrielle:
What?

Dustinus:
I do not play four-legged creatures.

Gabrielle:
But, you're a centaur.

Dustinus:
I am an Actor. I refuse to limit myself.

Gabrielle:
I have an announcement to make. A message means nothing if no one hears it. A flower in the forest is just a plant if no one sees it.

(Cast looks around incomprehensibly)

Gabrielle:
We're going to need more blood. I want more skin, I want action, I want weapons, I want battlefields with beaten bloody bodies. We're going to take this little flower and we're going to cram it down their throats for their own good.

Critic #1:
I just don't buy that Xena.

Critic #2:
There's the opening of Buffus the Bacchae Slayer across the street.

Najara:
I've changed, Xena. I put down the sword.

Xena:
And I'm the Queen of Egypt.

Najara:
We walk the same path, Gabrielle, our lives dedicated to defeating Evil by promoting Peace. It's our Way, the Way Eli taught us. A reverence for life. Stray from that path, whatever the reason, the consequences could be devastating for everyone.

Xena:
New outfit. New religion. Same old wacko underneath.

Xena:
You hurt Gabrielle and I will change you in ways that are anything but peaceful.

Najara:
You forget, hurting Gabrielle is your job, or have those visions gone away? You know, the vision of your death and hers. I want to share a life of Peace with her, you want to share a violent death. You tell me who's the villain here, me or you.

Xena:
I gotta ask you this, Mom. You killed once before to protect me. Is history repeating itself?

Cyrene:
That was different. I was protecting a child.

Xena:
Well, you know what they say, no matter what your age, you're always a child to your mother.

Autolycus:
Big job running a tavern. Lot's of things to keep track of, huh? Food. Drink. Keys. Hey, what do you know, there's a key to my room, and to Xena's, and to Joxer's. Of course, you'd have a key to every room in the place wouldn't you, Cyrene?

Cyrene:
Meaning.

Autolycus:
Meaning you must know every creaky floor board and squeaky hinge in the place. Why, you could float around like a ghost if you had to.

Autolycus:
Bounty hunter checks in, and despite what she says, I think she knew it. You also knew that it was damn likely that your daughter would be on her list.

Xena:
Autolycus, we've already had this conversation.

Autolycus:
Then you must admit, no one has the means or a stronger motive than your own dear, over-protective mother. Sorry, Cyrene, tough break. Book her, Xena. I'm outta here.

Xena:
He's an idiot.

Joxer:
I still say it was Minya in the bedroom with a knife.

Minya:
Would you can it! This isn't some sort of game, you know.

Cyrene:
She's right. Discord has long ears. She could show up at any time.

Joxer:
That's exactly my point. You keep talking about her ears and she will show up.

Xena:
What are you saying?! You can't have killed her, you weren't even here.

Gabrielle:
I know, but if it wasn't the knife, it had to have been me. You see, I ran into Raveneka two days ago. I heard she was hot on your trail so I decided to slow her down a bit. I thought I could get here first and warn you. So, I put Joxer's gravy recipe in her water bag.

Xena:
That's inhuman!

Discord:
You're telling me your horse killed her?

Xena:
In self-defense.

Autolycus:
You gotta admit, fits like a Trojan glove.

Discord:
But I can't take back a horse. I don't do animals.

Minya:
That's not what I heard.

Ephiny:
We look first and then we attack.

Amarice:
In my tribe looking first is like giving a warning.

Ephiny:
What does your tribe think about following orders?

Xena:
You know, Gabrielle, there's only one way you can know have the fish really feel, and that's to become one with them.

Gabrielle:
Don't do it. Xena, this outfit takes forever to dry.

Xena:
Oh, well, I've got time.

Gabrielle:
Hello, Brutus.

Brutus:
Gabrielle, they told me you were the new leader of this tribe.

Gabrielle:
Thanks to you. You killed Ephiny, our Queen ... my friend.

Brutus:
Ephiny, that was her name. One of the best fighters I've met. She died as a warrior and for that I have no guilt in my actions.

Amarice:
Hey, Roman, have you ever witnessed an Amazon execution before? I don't know how they do it here, but in my tribe it took a long, long time. And as the life oozed out of you, we talk to you and ask you how it felt.

Brutus:
You're such a child. I've seen death that you could never dream of. And the fact that you told me that story means that you never saw it, or you're a fool.

Brutus:
This is a personal message from the Queen of the Amazons to Caesar, Ruler of all Rome. A peace treaty. The Queen of the Amazons promises to respect the territories of ...

Caesar:
If they're not under my control, Brutus, they're a threat.

Amarice:
I was thinking about what you said, Xena, about not finding my answers at the end of a sword, and it seemed to make sense. And then I started thinking about old Pompey and it seems to me that he found an answer at the end of yours.

Gabrielle:
Amarice, did you not find any philosophy behind those words?

Amarice:
Yeah, kick butt and take names later.

Xena:
(to Gabrielle) It's going to take some time.

Callisto:
You mean to tell me those stupid, meddling missions she goes on are going to end her up in Paradise?!

Hellion:
Probably not Paradise. Most likely she'll be born higher up the Karmic ladder.

Callisto:
Right, she burns my family, destroys my life and I end up in Hell while she gets another shot. That's fair.

Illusion Xena:
Gotta love the irony.

Eli:
Selfless, pure Love is the only divine perfection we have in this world. It is the greatest power one can possess.

Amarice:
Oh C'mon, the only real power is at the end of a sword .

(Later, Amarice runs into Roman soldiers carrying swords)

Eli:
And if the other side has more swords?

Amarice:
If you can love your way out of this one, be my guest.

Callisto:
Don't bother, you've already done all the damage you can to me. Thanks, by the way.

Xena:
For what?

Callisto:
I wanted to leave this existence and you did your best to help. But, as you can see, it didn't take. They wouldn't let me off the hook that easy.

Xena:
Who's They?

Callisto:
I don't know, whoever it is who does the final judging. They sent me to a place that makes Tartarus look like the Elysian Fields. They call it Hell.

Xena:
Couldn't have happened to a nicer gal.

Gabrielle:
You don't really think those crosses are for a boat load of pirates, do you?

Brutus:
Caesar's never lied to me.

Gabrielle:
There's a first time for everything.

Annie:
Harry, wake up. Harry?

Harry:
What?

Annie:
I just had a vision, an awakening, a self-revelation

Harry:
Dont forget about the pint of Haagen-Daas and the bean burrito.

(Annie Burps)

Harry:
Those will give you nightmares.

Annie:
I had a past life experience.

Harry:
Okay, let me guess. You were, huh, Susan B. Anthony

Annie:
No.

Harry:
Eleanor Roosevelt

Annie:
No.

Harry:
Queen Elizabeth?

Annie:
No.

Harry:
Huh, I give up.

Annie:
In the time of ancient gods, I was Xena the Warrior Princess.

Maddie:
Look, Marco taught me the hypnosis technique. And I never thought I would hurt anyone. Now I'm responsible for getting you two blown up. This is a karmic catastrophe. I'm going to come back as a worm, a cockroach. No, a TV evangelist.

Temecula:
What is it like to kill someone?

Gabrielle:
It changes everything. Everything.

Gabrielle:
Xena... Since I met you I've been on this spiritual quest.I've been looking for the meaning to it all.Why don't you ever ask those questions?

Xena:
As a matter of fact I have been thinking a lot about reincarnation since we came to India.

Gabrielle:
You see maybe being a warrior is not the right karma for you. Maybe you should look to peace.

Xena:
Maybe violence isn't the answer to anything. (stabs a guy-demon with the stick) Why are you following us?... (in the battle Xena hesitates due to overthinking and gets a wound)

Amarice:
I don’t get it.

Xena:
What?

Amarice:
You and Gabrielle. Are you really gonne just let her pardon Brutus?

Xena:
Then what do you suggest? That we take over the village, chain up Gabrielle and kill him?

Amarice:
Pick one, I’ll go with it.

Xena:
You know Gabrielle is not the weakling that you think she is. She’s seen more of life and death then you will ever know. This is just one more battle and she’s got her own way of fighting it!

Amarice:
But letting him go? Are you crazy?!

Xena:
Her battle isn’t with Brutus, it’s with this! *hold up her sword* With this! *hold up Amarices dagger* With war and with hatred and you know what? Sometimes I don’t like the way she goes about it but I’ve come to understand her. *small pause*

Xena:
Amarice, you’re so young. And when you’re young, you think that the answers are simple to find. You think you can find them on the point of a sword. Well you’re wrong. I just pray that you live long enough to lay down your sword and look for those answers in yourself.