Yes, Minister, Series Two (1981)

Hacker:
The National Health Service, Humphrey, is an advanced case of galloping bureaucracy!

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, certainly not galloping. A gentle canter at the most.

[Sir Humphrey agrees with the union leader that industrial action at St Edward's Hospital would also benefit civil servants.]

Brian Baker:
What about the Minister?

Sir Humphrey:
The Minister doesn't know his Acas from his NALGO.

[Hacker is reading some paperwork in his office when Sir Humphrey enters]

Sir Humphrey:
: Good Morning, Minister. Morning, Bernard.

Hacker:
Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey:
: Er, two things, Minister. The first, this matter of the departmental recommendations for the honours list.

Hacker:
Oh, the honours list again!

Sir Humphrey:
: Yes, Minister.

Hacker:
Well, I think we'll leave that for the moment, Humphrey, shall we?.

Sir Humphrey:
I don't think we can leave it, Minister. (Hands the papers back to Hacker) It's getting dangerously near the five weeks.

Hacker:
Five weeks?

Bernard:
Oh, yes. All recipients are notified at least five weeks before prorogation. It gives them time to refuse, you know.

Hacker:
When did a civil servant last refuse an honour?!

Bernard:
Well I think there was somebody in the Treasury that refused a knighthood.

Hacker:
Good God. When?

Bernard:
I think it was 1496.

Hacker:
Why?

Bernard:
He'd already got one.

Sir Humphrey:
Well, Minister, if you've approved the list...

Hacker:
Humphrey, did you know that 20% of all honours go to civil servants?

Sir Humphrey:
A fitting tribute to their devotion to duty, Minister.

Hacker:
No, their duty is what they get paid for. The rest of the population has to do something extra to get an honour. Something special. They work for 27 years with mentally handicapped children six nights a week to get an MBE. Your knighthoods simply come up with the rations.

Sir Humphrey:
Minister, her Majesty's civil servants spend their lives working for a modest wage and at the end, they retire into obscurity. Honours are a small reward for a lifetime of loyal, self-effacing discretion and devoted service to Her Majesty, and to the nation.

Hacker:
"A modest wage", did you say?

Sir Humphrey:
Alas, yes.

Hacker:
Humphrey, you get over £30,000 a year! That's £7,000 more than I get.

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, but still relatively the modest wage.

Hacker:
Relative to whom?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, Elizabeth Taylor, for example.

Hacker:
Humphrey, you are not relative to Elizabeth Taylor. There are important differences.

Sir Humphrey:
Indeed, yes. She didn't get a first at Oxford.

Hacker:
And you do not retire into obscurity?! You take a massive index-linked pension and go off to become directors of oil companies and banks.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, yes, but very obscure directors, Minister.

Hacker:
You're in no danger of the sack. In industry if you screw things up, you get the boot. In the civil service, if you screw things up, I get the boot.

Sir Humphrey:
Very droll, Minister, now if you've approved the list...

Hacker:
: No, Humphrey. I'm not going to approve any honour for any civil servant of this department who hasn't earned it.

Sir Humphrey:
What do you mean "earned it?"

Hacker:
I mean "earned it." Done something to deserve it.

Sir Humphrey:
[outraged] But that's unheard of!

Hacker:
My new policy is to withhold all honours from all civil servants in this department who do not make a cut in their budgets of 5% per year. May I take it that your silence indicates approval?

Sir Humphrey:
You may not! Where did you get that preposterous idea?

Hacker:
It, uh... just came to me.

Sir Humphrey:
But it's ridiculous! It's unheard of! It's out of the question!

Hacker:
Why?

Sir Humphrey:
But the whole idea is... it it it it it... It's... It strikes at the very roots of... It's the beginning of the end! The thin end of the wedge! A Bennite solution! Where will it end? The abolition of the monarchy?

Hacker:
Don't be absurd, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey:
There is no reason to change the system which has worked so well in the past.

Hacker:
But it hasn't.

Sir Humphrey:
But we've got to give the present system a fair trial.

Hacker:
Ah, yes, I thought you might say that. It may interest you to know, Humphrey, that the Most Noble Order of the Garter was founded in 1348 by King Edward III. I think perhaps it may be coming towards the end of its trial period now, don't you?

Sir Humphrey:
Minister, if you block honours pending economies, you might create a dangerous precedent.

Hacker:
You mean that if we do the right thing this time, we might have to do the right thing again next time? Nothing would ever get done at all!

Sir Humphrey:
On the contrary, many, many things must be done, but...

Hacker:
Nothing must be done for the first time! Don't...

Sir Humphrey:
No, Minister! What I mean is that I am fully seized of your aims, and of course I will do my utmost to see that they're put into practice.

Hacker:
If you would.

Sir Humphrey:
To that end, I recommend that we set up an interdepartmental committee with fairly broad terms of reference, so that at the end of the day, we'll be in a position to think through the various implications and arrive at a decision based on long-term considerations rather than rush prematurely into precipitate and possibly ill-conceived actions which might well have unforeseen repercussions.

Hacker:
You mean "no"?

Sir Humphrey:
I mean, as far as one can see, in the fullness of time, looking at...

Hacker:
No, no, no, no, Humphrey. You know me: Action now!

Sir Humphrey:
[mutters] Action now.

Hacker:
Nobody in their right mind can want honours. They encourage sycophancy, snobbery, jealousy, and it's not fair civil servants shouldn't get them all!

Sir Humphrey:
But, Minister...

Hacker:
No, no! I'm - I'm sorry, Humphrey, I have decided. What was your other point?

Sir Humphrey:
Other point?

Hacker:
You had two.

Sir Humphrey:
Did I? Yes, I'm sorry. The shock! Yes. Minister, Yesterday, I had representations from Baillie College, Oxford. A new ruling about grants for overseas students. Now Baillie stands to lose nearly a quarter of a £1,000,000 a year.

Hacker:
They must just take more British students.

Sir Humphrey:
I'm sure nothing would please them more, Minister, but you see, Baillie has quite easily the highest proportion of foreign students, and there could be very serious repercussions at the schools of tropical medicine, and international law, and the Arabic department might have to close down completely.

Hacker:
I'm sorry, we simply can't go on educating foreigners at the taxpayer's expense.

Sir Humphrey:
Well it's not just foreigners, you know, Minister, if the diplomatic service had nowhere to immerse its recruits in Arab culture, for example, the results could be catastrophic. We might even end up with a pro-Israeli Foreign Office! And what would happen to our oil policy then?

Hacker:
You just have to immerse its recruits elsewhere.

Sir Humphrey:
Where else would they learn Arabic?

Hacker:
Arabia?

Bernard:
Actually, Minister, Baillie College does have an outstanding record. It's filled the jails in the British Empire for many years.

Hacker:
[off camera] Jails?

Bernard:
Yes indeed. As you know, the letters "JB" are the most outstanding honour in the Commonwealth.

Hacker:
"JB"?

Sir Humphrey:
"Jailed by the British". Gandhi, Nkrumah, Makarios, Ben Gurion, Kenyatta, Nehru, Mugabe, the list of world leaders is endless, and contains several of our students.

Hacker:
"Our students"? Humphrey, which college did you go to?

Sir Humphrey:
That's quite beside the point!

Hacker:
But I like being beside the point. Humour me, Humphrey. Which college did you go to?

Sir Humphrey:
It so happens that I am a Baillie man, but that has nothing to do with it!

Hacker:
Oh, of course not! What a thought! [slaps wrist] Naughty!

[The telephone sounds and Bernard answers it]

Bernard:
Yes? (to Hacker) Oh. it's the division, Minister.

Hacker:
Well, that rather settles it, doesn't it, Humphrey? (Gets out of his chair) No more time. (Gives his paperwork to Bernard) Oh, Bernard, which am I supposed to be voting, "aye" or "no"?

Bernard:
"No". It's an opposition, it's the second reading...

Hacker:
I don't want to know what it is. I don't want to go through the wrong door. (He goes over to the door as Bernard throws his paperwork back on the desk)

[Bernard explains to the Minister the honours available to senior Civil Servants.]

Hacker:
Well, what has Sir Arnold to fear, anyway? He's got all the honours he could want, surely?

Bernard:
Well, naturally he has his G.

Hacker:
G?

Bernard:
Yes; you get your G after your K.

Hacker:
You speak in riddles, Bernard.

Bernard:
Well, take the Foreign Office. First you get the CMG, then the KCMG, then the GCMG; the Commander of the Order of St Michael and St George, Knight Commander of St Michael and St George, Knight Grand Cross of St Michael and St George. Of course, in the Service, CMG stands for "Call Me God," and KCMG for "Kindly Call Me God."

Hacker:
[chuckles] What does GCMG stand for?

Bernard:
"God Calls Me God."

[The Master of Baillie College learns why the honorary doctorate of law should not go to a judge.]

Hacker:
[a bit drunk] A judge?! You don't want to make a judge a doctor of laws! Politicians are the ones who make the laws, and pass the laws! If it wasn't for politicians, judges wouldn't be able to do any judging! They wouldn't have any laws to judge! They'd all be out of work! There'd be queues of unemployed judges! In silly wigs!

Sir Humphrey:
[tries to interrupt] I think what the Minister is trying to say is...

Hacker:
Besides, it's easy for judges. Judges don't have to lie to television producers, don't have to suck up to journalists, don't have to pretend they like their Cabinet colleagues. Do you know something? Well I'll tell you: if judges had to put up with some of my Cabinet colleagues, they'd bring capital punishment back tomorrow! Bloody good thing, too!

Sir Humphrey:
[tries to interrupt] Well, exactly, Minister...

Hacker:
And I'll tell you another thing: I can't send him [points at Sir Humphrey] to prison. Can't send him to prison! Now, if I were a judge, I could whiz old Humpy off to The Scrubs, no trouble. Feet wouldn't touch. Clang, bang, see you in three years' time! One-third remission for good conduct. But I can't do that! I have to listen to him! Oh, God! On and on and on! Do you know, some of his sentences are longer than Judge Jeffreys'! No, you don't want to make a judge a doctor of laws.

[Stunned pause]

Master of Baillie College:
Beautifully argued, Minister.

Hacker:
What does "egregious" mean?

Sir Humphrey:
Um, I think it means outstanding... In one way or another.

Hacker:
Ask Walter Fowler of The Express to meet me in the House tonight for a drink. Annie's bar.

Bernard:
What for, Minister?

Hacker:
First law of political indiscretion: always have a drink before you leak.

Hacker:
The freedom of the British people is worth more than the lives of a few Ministers. Freedom is indivisible. Ministers are expendable. A man in public life must expect to be the target of cranks and fanatics. [Sliding into a Churchill impersonation.] It is a Minister's duty to set his life at naught. He must be able to stand up and say, here I am, do your worst! And not cower in craven terror behind electronic equipment, secret microphones, and all the hideous apparatus of the police state. [He snaps back to his normal self.] Anyway, Humphrey, I don't want to hear any more about it.

Sir Humphrey:
But Minister, you must allow me to say just one more thing on this matter.

Hacker:
Very well, just one, but be brief.

Sir Humphrey:
The Special Branch have found your name on a death list.

Hacker:
That has absolutely no bearing on the situation... What?!

[Bernard wheels in a petition from the archives against surveillance, containing more than two million signatures.]

Bernard:
Shall I file it?

Hacker:
Shall you file it? Shred it!

Bernard:
Shred it?

Hacker:
No one must ever be able to find it again!

Bernard:
In that case, Minister, I think it's best I file it.

[Sir Humphrey informs the Minister that the Special Branch no longer believe there is a threat to the Minister's life.]

Hacker:
How do they know?

Sir Humphrey:
Surveillance. They overheard a conversation.

Hacker:
What did it say?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh I don't think it's of any particular—

Hacker:
[Interrupting] Come on, Humphrey! I have a right to know!

Sir Humphrey:
Well, it was a conversation to the effect that in view of the somewhat nebulous and inexplicit nature of your remit, and the arguably marginal and peripheral nature of your influence within the central deliberations and decisions within the political process, there could be a case for restructuring their action priorities in such a way as to eliminate your liquidation from their immediate agenda.

Hacker:
They said that?

Sir Humphrey:
That was the gist of it.

Hacker:
What does it mean? In English?!

Sir Humphrey:
Well, it means that they don't think you're really important enough for it to be worth assassinating you.

[No one at the meeting seems to know anything about chemistry.]

Joan Littler:
What does "inert" mean?

Sir Humphrey:
Well it means it's not… ert.

Bernard:
[to himself] Wouldn't ert a fly.

Sir Humphrey:
Minister, a minister can do what he likes!

Hacker:
It's the people's will. I am their leader; I must follow them.

Sir Humphrey:
The people are ignorant and misguided.

Hacker:
Humphrey, it's the people who elected me.

Sir Humphrey:
[smiles and nods]

Hacker:
Europe is a community of nations, dedicated towards one goal.

Sir Humphrey:
[laughs moderately]

Hacker:
May we share the joke, Humphrey?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh Minister, let's look at this objectively. It is a game played for national interests, and always was. Why do you suppose we went into it?

Hacker:
To strengthen the brotherhood of free Western nations.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh really. We went in to screw the French by splitting them off from the Germans.

Hacker:
So why did the French go into it, then?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, to protect their inefficient farmers from commercial competition.

Hacker:
That certainly doesn't apply to the Germans.

Sir Humphrey:
No, no. They went in to cleanse themselves of genocide and apply for readmission to the human race.

Hacker:
I never heard such appalling cynicism! At least the small nations didn't go into it for selfish reasons.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh really? Luxembourg is in it for the perks; the capital of the EEC, all that foreign money pouring in.

Hacker:
Very sensible central location.

Sir Humphrey:
With the administration in Brussels and the Parliament in Strasbourg? Minister, it's like having the House of Commons in Swindon and the Civil Service in Kettering!

[The Minister and his subordinates discuss the rumoured Cabinet reshuffle.]

Hacker:
How does Bob Carver know about it when we don't?

Sir Humphrey:
Perhaps he has the PM's ear.

Hacker:
Yes, he is in the PM's pocket.

Bernard:
Then the PM must have rather a large ear.

[Sir Humphrey claims he would be deeply sorry to see the Minister leave the DAA.]

Hacker:
Yes, I suppose we have got rather fond of one another. In a way.

Sir Humphrey:
[laughs] In a way, yes!

Hacker:
[jokingly] Like a terrorist and his hostage!

Bernard:
Which one of you is the terrorist?

Hacker & Sir Humphrey:
[each points at the other] He is.

Sir Humphrey:
Didn't you read the Financial Times this morning?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Never do.

Sir Humphrey:
Well, you're a banker. Surely you read the Financial Times?

Sir Desmond:
Can't understand it. Full of economic theory.

Sir Humphrey:
Why do you buy it?

Sir Desmond:
Oh, you know, it's part of the uniform. It took me thirty years to understand Keynes' economics. Then when I'd just cottoned on, everyone started getting hooked on these new monetarist ideas, you know, 'I Want To Be Free' by Milton Shulman.

Sir Humphrey:
Milton Friedman.

Sir Desmond:
Why are they all called Milton? Anyway, I've only got as far as Milton Keynes.

Sir Humphrey:
Maynard Keynes.

Sir Desmond:
I'm sure there's a Milton Keynes.

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, there is, but it's... [Humphrey gives up]

Hacker:
Why is it that ministers can't ever go anywhere without their briefs?

Bernard:
It's in case they get caught with their trousers down.

[Standard excuses when faced with serious allegations]

Sir Humphrey:
There's the excuse we used for the Munich Agreement: it occurred before certain important facts were known and couldn't happen again.

Hacker:
What important facts?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, that Hitler wanted to conquer Europe.

Hacker:
I thought everybody knew that.

Sir Humphrey:
Not the Foreign Office.

[Why has the Minister been invited to Number 10?]

Sir Humphrey:
Perhaps it is just for a drink, Minister.

Hacker:
Don't be silly, Humphrey. They don't ask you to Number 10 for a drink just because they think you're thirsty!

Betty Oldham:
Look, Sir Humphrey, whatever we ask the Minister, he says is an administrative question for you, and whatever we ask you, you say is a policy question for the Minister. How do you suggest we find out what is going on?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, yes, yes, I do see that there is a real dilemma here. In that, while it has been government policy to regard policy as a responsibility of Ministers and administration as a responsibility of Officials, the questions of administrative policy can cause confusion between the policy of administration and the administration of policy, especially when responsibility for the administration of the policy of administration conflicts, or overlaps with, responsibility for the policy of the administration of policy.

Betty Oldham:
Well, that's a load of meaningless drivel. [pause] Isn't it?

Sir Humphrey:
It's not for me to comment on government policy. You must ask the Minister.