Yes, Minister, Series Two (1987-88)

Sir Humphrey:
It is characteristic of all committee discussions and decisions that every member has a vivid recollection of them and that every member’s recollection of them differs violently from every other member’s recollection. Consequently, we accept the convention that the official decisions are those and only those which have been officially recorded in the minutes by the officials, from which it emerges with an elegant inevitability that any decision which has been officially reached will have been officially recorded in the minutes by the officials and any decision which is not recorded in the minutes has not been officially reached even if one or more members believe they can recollect it, so in this particular case, if the decision had been officially reached it would have been officially recorded in the minutes by the officials, and it isn’t, so it wasn’t.

Bernard:
That's another of those irregular verbs, isn't it? I give confidential press briefings; you leak; he's being charged under section 2A of the Official Secrets Act.

[Lunch with a newspaper editor]

Hacker:
So I want you to retract that suppression story.

Derek Burnham:
I don't see how I can.

Hacker:
Well, of course you can! You're the editor, aren't you?

Burnham:
Yes, but an editor isn't like a general commanding an army; he's just the ringmaster of a circus. I mean I can book the acts, but I can't tell the acrobats which way to jump!

Sir Humphrey:
Gratitude is merely a lively expectation of favours to come.

Reference to François de La Rochefoucauld

Bernard:
The problem is, the prime minister *did* try to suppress the chapter, didn't he.

Sir Humphrey:
I don't know, did he?

Bernard:
Well, didn't he? Don't you remember?

Sir Humphrey:
What I remember is irrelevant, Bernard. If the minutes don't say that he did, then he didn't.

Bernard:
So you want me to falsify the minutes?

Sir Humphrey:
I want nothing of the sort! It's up to you, Bernard - what do you want?

Bernard:
I want to have a clear conscience.

Sir Humphrey:
A clear conscience.

Bernard:
Yes!

Sir Humphrey:
When did you acquire this taste for luxuries?

Sir Humphrey:
You choose from a jumble of ill-digested ideas a version which represents the Prime Minister's views as he would, on reflection, have liked them to emerge.

Bernard:
But if it's not a true record...

Sir Humphrey:
The purpose of minutes is not to record events, it is to protect people. You do not take notes if the Prime Minister says something he did not mean to say, particularly if it contradicts something he has said publicly.

Hacker:
Don't we ever get our own way with the French?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, sometimes.

Hacker:
When was the last time?

Sir Humphrey:
Battle of Waterloo, 1815.

Bernard:
[on the phone] Yes, we will want simultaneous translators. No, not when the PM meets the leaders of the English-speaking nations. Yes, the English-speaking nations can be said to include the United States. With a certain generosity of spirit.

Bernard:
[on the phone] No we can't have alphabetical sitting in the Abbey, you would have Iran and Iraq sitting together, plus Jordan and Israel all in the same pew, we would be in danger of starting World War Three. No! I know Ireland begins with an I but No! Ireland doesn’t make it any better, Ireland doesn’t make anything any better.

Sir Humphrey:
The only way to understand the Press is to remember that they pander to their readers' prejudices.

Hacker:
Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country; The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; The Financial Times is read by people who own the country; The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country; and The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh and Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?

Bernard:
Sun readers don't care who runs the country as long as she's got big tits.

Sir Humphrey:
Bernard, if the right people don’t have power, do you know what happens? The wrong people get it: politicians, councillors, ordinary voters!

Bernard:
But aren’t they supposed to, in a democracy?

Sir Humphrey:
This is a British democracy, Bernard!

Sir Humphrey:
To put it simply, Prime Minister, certain informal discussions took place involving a full and frank exchange of views out of which there arose a series of proposals, which on examination proved to indicate certain promising lines of inquiry, which, when pursued, lead to the realization that the alternative courses of action might, in fact, in certain circumstances, be susceptible of discreet modification, leading to a reappraisal of the original areas of difference and pointing the way to encouraging possibilities of compromise and cooperation, which, if bilaterally implemented with appropriate give and take on both sides might, if the climate were right, have a reasonable probability at the end of the day of leading, rightly or wrongly, to a mutually satisfactory resolution.

Hacker:
What the hell are you talking about?

Sir Humphrey:
We did a deal.

Bernard:
If there was a major crisis, you wouldn't need to go at all.

Hacker:
Is there a major crisis coming up?

Bill:
Not really, Prime Minister.

Hacker:
Is there a distant crisis, that we could bring forward?

Bernard:
I know, what about the death of a cabinet colleague?

Hacker:
Ooh, is one imminent?

Bill:
Well we can hardly hope for that to fall on the right day. Well, not by accident.

Hacker:
Sir Humphrey, I need help.

Sir Humphrey:
You do. You do?

Hacker:
I've got to make a speech. It could be very embarrassing.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh Prime Minister, your speeches are nothing like as embarrassing as they used to be!

Hacker:
I didn't say the speech would be embarrassing, Sir Humphrey. I said the occasion could be.

Sir Humphrey:
Ah, yes, yes, indeed. Why?

Hacker:
It's to be to a hostile audience of posturing, self-righteous, theatrical drunks.

Sir Humphrey:
The House of Commons, you mean?

Bill:
There's a lot of terrible publicity if you take [arts money] away. The arts lobby is part of the educated middle class. It's one of the few ways they can get their income tax back. Mortgage tax relief, university grants, lump-sum pensions, Radio 3, and cheap subsidised seats at the theatre, opera and the concerts. You can't begrudge it us... them!

Hacker:
They do some good.

Sir Humphrey:
They don't, Prime Minister! They hardly do anything at all.

Hacker:
Well let's abolish them!

Sir Humphrey:
No, no, no, no!

Hacker:
Well of course we'll do what we can, but there are many calls on the public purse, you know. Inner cities, schools, hospitals, kidney machines...

Ladies:
Tanks, rockets, H-bombs.

Hacker:
Well we can't really defend ourselves against the Russians with a performance of "Henry V".

Hacker:
Dorothy, you've got to help me. This is a real hot potato. If I don't do anything, it could turn into a banana skin.

Bernard:
Prime Minister, a hot potato can't become a banana skin.

Hacker:
What?

Bernard:
Well if you don't do anything, a hot potato just becomes a cold potato.

Hacker:
Nobody would be able to call me a philistine then!

Dorothy:
Not unless they knew you.

Bernard:
Sir Humphrey, he's very worried that he seems responsible for something that he can't change.

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, I'm sure. Responsibility without power: the prerogative of the eunuch throughout the ages.

Hacker:
I think education is extremely important. It could lose me the next election.

Sir Humphrey:
Ah! In my naivety, I thought you were concerned about the future of our children.

Hacker:
Yes, that too. After all, they get the vote at 18.

Hacker:
Better than Channel 4 coverage. They didn't describe it as the PM's tour of the north-west. They said, "Jim Hacker touring the marginal constituencies."

Annie:
That's true, isn't it?

Hacker:
But they shouldn't say it. It's biased reporting!

Annie:
Reporting the facts?

Hacker:
Nothing wrong with visiting the marginals.

Annie:
What they said was still true.

Hacker:
It was still biased to say it!

[The Prime Minister believes that he gave a clear, simple, straightforward and honest answer.]

Sir Humphrey:
Unfortunately, although the answer was indeed clear, simple, and straightforward, there is some difficulty in justifiably assigning to it the fourth of the epithets you applied to the statement, inasmuch as the precise correlation between the information you communicated and the facts, insofar as they can be determined and demonstrated, is such as to cause epistemological problems, of sufficient magnitude as to lay upon the logical and semantic resources of the English language a heavier burden than they can reasonably be expected to bear.

Hacker:
Epistemological — what are you talking about?

Sir Humphrey:
You told a lie.

Hacker:
A lie?

Sir Humphrey:
A lie.

Hacker:
What do you mean, a lie?

Sir Humphrey:
I mean you… lied. Yes, I know this is a difficult concept to get across to a politician. You… ah yes, you did not tell the truth.

Hacker:
You mean we are bugging Hugh Halifax's telephones?

Sir Humphrey:
We were.

Hacker:
We were? When did we stop?

Sir Humphrey:
[checks his watch] Seventeen minutes ago.

Bernard:
The fact that you needed to know was not known at the time that the now known need to know was known, and therefore those that needed to advise and inform the Home Secretary perhaps felt that the information that he needed as to whether to inform the highest authority of the known information was not yet known, and therefore there was no authority for the authority to be informed because the need to know was not, at that time, known or needed.

[Final lines. Sir Humphrey enters the Cabinet Room]

Hacker:
Ah, Humphrey, come in, come in, come in! (Chuckles) How did your broadcast go?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, very well, very well.

Hacker:
What did you say?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, nothing in particular. I think I pointed out some of the difficulties in allocating responsibilities as between politicians and civil servants.

Hacker:
But you were discreet?

Sir Humphrey:
Why do you ask?

Hacker:
Were you or weren't you?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes.

Hacker:
Yes, you were or yes, you weren't?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes.

Hacker:
Humpy?

Sir Humphrey:
Wouldn't you expect me to be discreet?

Hacker:
Yes, of course.

Sir Humphrey:
There you are, then.

Hacker:
Good. Well, that's all right, then, isn't it?

Sir Humphrey:
Why do you ask, Prime Minister?

Hacker:
Well, it's just that the BBC sent me a tape.

Sir Humphrey:
A tape? What tape?

Hacker:
A tape of your broadcast. I thought we might listen to it together.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hacker:
Why not?

Sir Humphrey:
No, it isn't at all interesting.

Hacker:
Not interesting? The Cabinet Secretary talking to the nation?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, not VERY interesting.

Hacker:
You mean you were too discreet? (to Bernard) Play it, would you, Bernard?

[Bernard plays the tape]

Sir Humphrey:
[on tape. We hear what Humphrey said after he assumed recording had stopped.] My dear Ludo, nobody tells the truth about unemployment.

Ludovic Kennedy:
[on tape] Oh, why not?

Sir Humphrey:
[on tape] Because everyone knows you can halve it in a few weeks.

Ludovic Kennedy:
[on tape] How?

Sir Humphrey:
[on tape] Cut off all Social Security to all claimants who refuse two job offers. There's genuine unemployment in the north...

Hacker:
Humphrey!

Sir Humphrey:
I'm terribly sorry, Prime Minister, I didn't know! They didn't tell me! The interview was over!

Hacker:
The indiscretion! The irresponsibility! Is there any more?

Sir Humphrey:
No.

Bernard:
Yes.

Hacker:
Play it, Bernard.

Sir Humphrey :
[on tape] ...may be off the register as soon as you could say "parasite". Frankly, this country can have as much unemployment as it's prepared to pay for in social security, and no politicians have got the guts to do anything about it!

[Bernard stops the tape. ]

Hacker:
You said that!?

Sir Humphrey:
It was Mike Yarwood...

Hacker:
I'm in somewhat of a difficulty as to know what to do about this, Humphrey. I think I need advice.

Sir Humphrey:
Advice?

Hacker:
Perhaps I ought to play it to the Cabinet, get their reaction.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, please!

Hacker:
Or the Privy Counsel.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, please!

Hacker:
Or... Her Majesty?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, God!

Hacker:
Do you realise what this would mean if it got into the papers, the damage it would do to me, to the government?

Sir Humphrey:
I could say I got it wrong! I've checked, it isn't true!

Hacker:
But it is true.

Sir Humphrey:
But I could say it isn't! Nobody can prove it, it's never been tried!

Hacker:
You would tell an untruth in public?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, for YOU, Prime Minister! We can issue a clarification.

Hacker:
I think you already made yourself very clear.

Sir Humphrey:
No, Prime Minister, a clarification is not to make oneself clear, it is to put oneself IN the clear.

Hacker:
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave". (to Bernard) Give me the tape, would you, Bernard? (Bernard gives him the tape and Hacker turns back to Sir Humphrey) Now I've got something to tell you. (Shows Sir Humphrey the tape) This is a copy... (Takes out the film reel from inside his jacket) ...but this is the original, the master.

Sir Humphrey:
You mean?

Hacker:
They were retrieved from the BBC.

Sir Humphrey:
By whom?

Hacker:
Intelligence.

Sir Humphrey:
So no one else will ever know?

Hacker:
Well, that rather depends on what I choose to tell them. Of course, I could just hand over the tapes or... I could hold onto them while I consider the security and disciplinary implications. I certainly have no intention of joining "some shabby cover-up". Oh, that reminds me, have you decided yet what you're going to tell the Privileges Committee?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, yes, yes, Prime Minister. I've decided that, uh, in the interests of national security, that, um, the only honourable course is to support your statement in the House.

Hacker:
And say that Hugh Halifax's telephone has never been bugged?

Sir Humphrey:
And say I have no evidence?

Hacker:
No, Humphrey, and say the government has never authorised the bugging of MPs' telephones.

Sir Humphrey:
...say the government has never author... Supposing they find out the truth?

Hacker:
You'll just have to say that nobody told you, because you didn't need to know. Agreed? (Sir Humphrey sighs) Splendid. Well, that's settled, then.

Sir Humphrey:
May one have one's tapes back?

[Hacker extends the cassette and the original tape reel toward Humphrey but then withdraws them]

Hacker:
Tomorrow. After the Committee on Privileges. All right, Humphrey?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, Prime Minister. (Leaves the table)