You're the Worst, Season 1

Killian:
Hi.

Jimmy:
What?

Killian:
I just moved in... over there.

Jimmy:
Of course you did.

Killian:
Why do you say that?

Jimmy:
Because the death of any interesting neighborhood is the influx of white procreators.

Killian:
Oh, that's cool. My nutritionist is gay, too.

Jimmy:
I'm not gay. I'm English.

Killian:
You want to hang out sometime?

Jimmy:
What? What are you even talking about? I'm an adult. Do you know what that means? [pause] It means that I am beset upon at all times by a tsunami of complex thoughts and struggles, unceasingly aware of my own mortality and able to contemplate the futility of everything and yet still rage against the dying of the light. [pause] So do you see how monumentally stupid you, a child, asking me "do I want to hang out sometime" is?

Killian:
My dad designs video games. We get all the new ones early.

Jimmy:
Come over around 8:00.

Gretchen:
You just spit on it?

Jimmy:
Yeah.

Gretchen:
You just spit on my vagina.

Jimmy:
So?

Gretchen:
Don't!

Jimmy:
Why?

Gretchen:
Why don't spit on my vagina?

Jimmy:
It's saliva. It's gonna get there anyway.

Jimmy:
[watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off] This movie has one of the greatest villains of all time.

Edgar:
Yeah. Principal Rooney is so mean.

Jimmy:
Rooney? Rooney's not the villain.

Edgar:
Oh, you mean the sister, that girl from...

Jimmy/Edgar:
...Dirty Dancing/Wind.

Jimmy:
Okay, first of all, Wind is what you retained from Jennifer Grey's career? And no, she's not the villain either.

Edgar:
Then who is?

Jimmy:
Cameron.

Edgar:
Cameron? No. Cameron's his best friend, Cameron's his sidekick.

Jimmy:
Edgar, I think I know a little something about Campbellian storytelling. Ferris is the hero, Jennifer Grey is the foil, Principal Rooney is the fool, Sloane is the sidekick, Cameron's the villain.

Edgar:
Wait, how is Cameron the villain?

Jimmy:
Ferris just wants to show Cameron a fun day for once in his pathetic little life, but Cameron acts like a whiny knob the whole time, subverting every attempt at fun with his passive-aggressive anxiety and relentless nay-saying, essentially ruining what might be Ferris's last day of freedom by being a miserable, agoraphobic, cockblocking enemy of fun!

Edgar:
Cameron's sick, he doesn't even want to go out, but Ferris guilts him into it and...and makes him steal his father's luxury automobile.

Jimmy:
Are we even watching the same movie?

Edgar:
I think so.

Gretchen:
Well, as my grandma used to say, it's only a walk of shame if you're capable of feeling shame. See you later. Thanks for doing all the sex stuff on me.

Jimmy:
Sitting is definitely in my top 5 favorite activities.

Gretchen:
What are the others?

Jimmy:
Eating things. Shutting stupid people down verbally. Bubble baths. Masturbating.

Jimmy:
Day drinking's the best.

Gretchen:
Day drinking is the best! Aren't we lucky we're both in professions where we can day drink?

Jimmy:
Are you in a profession where you can day drink?

Gretchen:
They all are if you want it bad enough.

Hipster:
Look! These guys rely on me to come up with awesome, cool, underground cultural shit to do every single week. You know how much pressure that puts on me? I got shingles trying to find a new Ethiopian restaurant.

Gretchen:
They're my parents! I get to lie to them until I'm old and they're dead, and you don't get a vote! I would never tell your dad to read your book!

Jimmy:
That's because he wouldn't let you in the door, because you're a redhead, and he's hated the Irish ever since the IRA blew up his favorite chip shop.