8 Simple Rules... for Dating My Teenage Daughter

[answering cell phone]

Kyle:
Wassup my brotha from anotha motha?

Paul:
For Michigan fans, football is a religion. And the Ohio State game is Easter.

Paul:
Fine, you can take the mini-van.

Bridget:
You want me to drive the Loser Cruiser?

Cate:
Are you okay?

Paul:
I'm mad at something you said.

Cate:
What?

Paul:
'Let's start a family'!

Bridget:
I need more boyfriends.

Paul:
Hold it, I can see your bra and that sling-shot you're wearing.

Kerry:
Must be Casual Sex Day at school.

Bridget:
It's a thong.

Paul:
It's floss.

[Bridget walks downstairs dressed in tight pants and a short shirt]

Paul:
Uh, Bridget, why are you dressed like that?

Kerry:
Must be casual sex day at school.

Bridget:
Hey, at least I get...

[Paul turns to Bridget]

Bridget:
...Look good.

Paul:
Okay, Cupcake, I think you missed the word "under" in underwear because I can see your bra and that slingshot your wearing under your pants.

Bridget:
It's a thong.

Paul:
It's floss.

Bridget:
I can't wear anything else. Panty lines - Hello?

Paul:
Panty lines - Hello, are fine. Actually they were a pretty big deal in my day.

Bridget:
Well, we're the thong generation.

Paul:
Well, maybe that's why your generation is so angry. Your always walking around with a wedgie!

Rory:
Uh, Dad...

Paul:
Not now Rory!

Rory:
But it's important!

Paul:
I said just a minute!

Rory:
[opens front door] Well ok...

Paul:
Is that Bridget? Is that Bridget driving my car? Without a license?

Rory:
Oh, so now you wanna know.

Kerry Hennessy:
Two! Four! Six! Eight! These mashed potatoes are really great!

Kerry Hennessy:
I can't believe you're encouraging your daughter to join the Airhead Squad. Aim High!

Bridget:
Daddy, can our boyfriends come over on Thanksgiving?

Paul:
No!

Bridget:
Okay, Daddy, can they come over Thursday?

Paul:
Honey, you can do anything as long as you never root for Ohio State.

Bridget:
I don't need to go to college because I already know what I want to be. An estitician!

Cate:
You want to be a beautician?

Paul:
A facialist?

Rory:
A zit-popper?

Kerry:
Your oldest daughter has been in the bathroom for, like, an hour.

Paul:
An hour? What is she doing in there?

Kerry:
Well we can rule out reading.

Paul:
Would somebody like to listen to my announcement?

Kerry:
Switched at birth. Please say I was switched at birth.

Paul:
One more smart remark like that, young lady, and there will be serious consequences.

Kerry:
My life is a consequence.

Rory:
I think I need some alone time.

Cate:
Ok, girls. Broccoli or zucchini?

Bridget:
What? For dinner?

Kerry:
[sarcastically] No... She's making a hat!

Kerry:
Don't mess with the middle child!

Bridget:
Maybe the bears wanna dance!

Kerry:
Oh come on Dad. Do you really think that in six months I will be more prepared to date?

Paul:
No, but I will.

[Paul has a dream and is in the "Three's Company" house]

Paul:
This looks strangely familiar.

Kyle:
I'm gonna go to the other side of the mall, touch it, and come back.

Kyle:
Hey Bridget, you should wear a bikini to the party and go as "hot."

Paul:
Rory! Go sit in the car!

Rory:
But, dad! We're at home!

Paul:
GO SIT IN THE CAR!

[a little girl dressed as an angel comes to the door on Haloween accompanied by her father]

Angel:
Trick or Treat! I'm an angel!

Paul:
Yeah, you may be an angel now, but in a few years you're going to be killing your father!

Angel:
Daddy!

[after tricking C.J. into driving to Canada for no reason]

Jim:
The pain in my hip is still here, but the pain in my ass is in Canada!

Paul:
Rory, you're baking cookies?

Rory:
Big cookies. Man cookies. Cookies with nuts!

Kerry:
I just think it's funny that your'e worried about me when Bridget says stuff like "I'm going to the library."

Bridget:
Daddy, are you sure you don't need any help, Kyle's great at undoing knots.

Rory:
And hooks and buttons and snaps.

Cate:
Whatever happened to my good child?

C.J.:
The thief, the druggie, or the biker chick?

Jim:
That wasn't a thirty-minute shower - I fell!

Cate:
Okay rusty, where's blondie?

Paul:
Kyle, just so you know, if you ever pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.

[after Kyle gets off the phone with a girl named Lindsay]

Kyle:
Uh, Mr. Hennessy -...

Paul:
Please, Sensei. Lindsay, huh? You have other girlfriends, Kyle, and that's fine with me.

Kyle:
Sweet!

Paul:
As long as it's okay with my daughter. Otherwise, you will continue to date her and no one but her, until she is finished with you. Because if you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Kerry:
Hey! There's a sale on Blue and Gold body paint, you could smear it all over your body and watch the game in the nude!

Kerry:
Like Oh My God, my name's Bridget and I can't believe how much my head shakes when I talk!

Kerry:
[mimicking Bridget] Oh my God Daddy my shoe lace broke what do I do?

Kerry:
[to Bridget] You know your gonna hate prison, everyone's gonna be dressed like you!

Bridget:
Oh please, the only reason you're popular is because I went out with Kyle, which made him popular. And then I dumped him and you got him on the rebound which made you popular, then I had a deep relationship with Donny Doyle. Probably the most meaningful two weeks of my life of my entire life. Totally taking me out the loop creating a popularity vacuum and voila?!

Kerry:
What's that supposed to mean?

Bridget:
I dunno; it's French, but magicians do it too.

Kerry:
Mom, Fred Doyle is planning on having dinner with Dad and Jesus in Heaven?

Cate:
Come on it's a nice thought.

Kerry:
Yeah but Dad's spent three years avoiding the Doyle's annual barbecue, how's he gonna get outta that? I mean Dad's a terrible liar, and Jesus is gonna be sitting right there.

Cate:
Yeah and Fred going on about the difference between electric and gas powered weed whackers. And Jesus isn't going to wanna back outta that dare!

Cate:
[reading Paul's last article] Okay readers, today we're having a little pop quiz, it's multiple choice, so sharpen your number 2 pencils and put your thinking caps on. Ready? Here's a quote: "Dad, you're an idiot." Now, contestants, this was said to me because of which of the following transgressions? A: Coming to the breakfast table wearing pajamas and black socks? B: Asking my oldest daughter if that guy I saw her talking to yesterday at school was her boyfriend? C: Referring to rapper Fiddy Cent as "Fifty Cents"? or D: Entering the room? Okay, pencils down. Actually it was a trick question. The answer is all of the above. Now do you know how many times I called my father an idiot? Zero. Why? Because I feared him. Back then we didn't share our deep personal feelings, our deepest conversations usually revolved around the tigers bull pen. But my kids, I can't get them to shut up! There's not a feeling that my kids are afraid to express over and over and over. And my wife reassures me this is a good thing over and over and over, and she's always right. So do I wish that my kids feared me? Well my house would be quieter, and I'd spend a lot less time in the bathroom, but no. Because I know that whenever they insult me whether it's a "You're an idiot," "You're a geek," or an "I hate you," an "I love you" isn't far behind. And it's the knowledge that my wife and kids love me that makes it safe for me to wear pajamas and black socks to the breakfast table.

Paul:
You know how I want your sisters to date only the good guys? Well, I want you to be good guy.

Rory:
You want me to date my sisters?

Rory:
[to Cate while she's sleeping] You want Rory to have a monkey, you yourself love monkeys. You want Rory to have a monkey, you yourself love monkeys.

Kerry:
Look at me! You said you were gonna dye my hair! I look like Dolly Parton!

Kerry:
I can't believe you just called me Bridget!

Bridget:
Don't just sit there Kerry, thank him!

C.J.:
Hey, I'm a man. I have man-like qualities.

Kerry Hennessy:
How do I look?

Rory:
Like Kenny from South Park.

Kerry:
Move it C.J.!

C.J.:
Whats the matter? Trouble in the cabbage patch?

Rory:
Dad, do you think I'm pretty?

C.J.:
Do you know what the C In C.J stands for? It's Cory. Hi, Rory, it's your cousin Cory, what you doing?

Rory:
Watching you make a complete ass out of yourself.

Cate:
I would just like to know what's going on inside my good child.

C.J.:
The thief, the druggie, or the biker chick?

Bridget:
Hey Grampa, what's up?

Jim:
Blood pressure and bad cholesterol.

Kyle:
[speaking to Bridget] Because of you, my girlfriend's gonna run off to Europe, and fall in love with some fancy French guy named Jos?.

Kerry:
Jos? is Spanish.

Kyle:
You've already met him?

[Kerry is trying to figure out how to break up with Kyle]

Bridget:
Just use the line I use when I break up with a guy.

Kerry:
"I'm only seventeen, you'll go to jail"?

Cate:
[walks into Ed's office] I'm not in trouble, am I?

Ed Gibb:
Not unless you're chewing gum.

Cate:
[Spits a wad of gum into a tissue]

Cate:
[to Ed Gibb] Maybe we should just get off my bed.

Bridget:
Mom, do you have any pictures of Dad?

Cate:
Well of course honey, whatever you want

Bridget:
Okay well I need 25 from various stages of his life... For my wallet

Cate:
What are you up to?

Bridget:
Nothing! Why are you so suspicious!

Bridget:
And we also have a jacuzzi and sauna, but old people shouldnt use the sauna because it raises the heart rate, and gives everyone else the willies!

C.J.:
You're kidding! My God, these kids are animals. No wonder the Japanese beat us to the moon.

Bridget:
And we both met great guys!

[... ]

Cate:
So, Where'd you meet these guys?

Kerry, Bridget:
[simultaneously] At the mall.

Cate:
And, uh, what's their names?

Kerry, Bridget:
[simultaneously] Tyler.

Rory:
No one would take me to the mini-mart, so I drove myself. There's no law against that.

Kerry:
[about Bridget] I can't believe she's president.

Max:
Oh, *thank you*!

Max:
I can't believe you two are sisters.

Kerry:
Thank you.

Jim:
Well, it looks like somebody's waiting for a boy to call.

Kerry:
Oh no, there's no boy.

Bridget:
And he's really cute.

[repeated line]

Cate:
I swear to God, Paul!

Bridget:
[watching Extreme Makeover] Oh my God Jan, you're pretty now!

Bridget:
[to the tune of P-U-R-P-L-E, in the shower] Who's the girl with the pretty hair? Bridget! Bridget! Who's the girl that makes boys stare? Bridget Hennessy!

Bridget:
Lather, rinse, repeat! Lather, rinse, repeat! Do it twice and the hair smells nice-lather, rinse, repeaaattt!

Bridget:
Now onto the legs. Who's the girl with the pretty legs? Bridget! Bridget! Who's the girl that makes boys stare? Bridget Hennessy! [Kerry, listening to her, sighs and rolls her eyes]

Kyle:
You know, they say that God is a comedian playing to an audience that's just afraid to laugh.

[everyone looks at him amazed]

Jim:
Who said that?

Kyle:
It's me, Kyle.

Cate:
[during a very long ?family meeting? where Paul speaks seemingly endlessly] Uh, Paul, I have a turkey in the oven.

Paul:
No, you don't.

Cate:
If I did, it would be done by now.

Bridget:
[on the phone to Donny Doyle] You have reached Bridget's voice mail. Please leave a message after the beep. 'Beeeeeeep.'

Kerry:
That's never gonna work.

Bridget:
[whispering] Shhhh! He's leaving a message.

Rory:
Dad? It's happening to me again. My body is doing strange and beautiful things. I'm so confused.

Lacey:
Break a leg

Bridget:
Break a leg? Well, go get hit by a bus!

Bridget:
I'll tell you what this is about! This is about me winning Jeremy and humiliating Lacey so bad that she has to hide her face and move to the Northern territory and live with the bears, until one day she starts riding the bear like a pony and it gets so mad that it turns around and eats her and it eats so much of her face that it starts to look like Lacey and all the other bears point and laugh and say, "Ha! Your face looks like Lacey's."

Bridget:
[in shower] Who's the girl with the great hair? Bridget! Bridget! Who's the girl that makes boys stare? Bridget Hennessy! Lather, rinse, repeat! Lather, rinse, repeat! Do it twice and the hair smells nice - lather, rinse, repeat!

Kyle:
Frogs are people too!

Cate:
Hey, Rory! How did tennis go?

Rory:
[sits on chair] Borin'.

Bridget:
[walks in the door] Daddy broke my nose!

Rory:
Oh, yeah. That.

Cate:
First rule in old men fight club. We don't talk about old men fight club!

Gym Instructor:
[to Rory] Are you having trouble with your proud warrior?

Paul:
Hypothetically, how many kids would you say are sexually active?

Bridget:
Define "sexually active."

Kerry:
Do you want to be home schooled?

Bridget:
Sorry. So I'd say: 1 in 3.

Kerry:
Yeah, except the band kids.

Paul:
The band kids?

Kerry:
Yeah, they're like rabbits!

Bridget:
Uh-huh.

Paul:
Wow.

Paul:
What were you and your mom talking about? Your face is all puffy.

Kerry:
[sarcastically] Thanks.

Paul:
Well, not the bad puffy.

Kerry:
Oh, right, the good puffy! I just needed to talk to mom but I'm fine now.

Paul:
OK, but if you need to talk... about anything... I'm here.

Kerry:
Me and Jason broke up.

Paul:
Did he dump you?

Kerry:
It was mutual.

Paul:
Oh, well, if you meant anything to him he'll call you.

Kerry:
He hasn't called. [she starts to cry a little]

Paul:
Well, give it a day, if you meant anything *at all* to him he will call.

Kerry:
[starts to bawl] We broke up last week!

Bridget:
[Bridget walks in, Kerry runs to her crying, Bridget gives her a hug] You talked to Dad? What were you thinking!

Cate:
[comes down the stairs and sees Kerry crying] Paul!

Paul:
She just needed a good cry.

Bridget:
This is the best job I've ever had! I get paid to wear a bathing suit and sit on a throne.

Kerry:
Aren't you supposed to be saving people from drowning?

Bridget:
That's such a small part of what I do.

Bridget:
Kerry is that my earrings?

Kerry:
No.

Bridget:
Oh my god, first you steal my popularity, then my earrings!

Kerry:
You forgot your boyfriend.

Bridget:
You know what, mom? We're really sorry, but you brought our principal back to the house!

Rory:
Get use to it. He's her man toy now.

Cate:
All right, look now. He's here because he had nowhere else to go. So, when he comes out I want everyone to say something nice.

Jim:
Hey, your nose seems to have healed up nicely.

C.J.:
Got a nice wing with your name on it.

Jim:
Don't get carried away.

Cate:
Look. I'm sorry. He's still upset because you took away his football.

Ed Gibb:
Cate, he dropkicked it across the cafeteria and into a bath of chocolate pudding.

Cate:
I'll go talk to him.

Ed Gibb:
So, um. Need any help there?

Jim:
Are you some kind of engineer?

Ed Gibb:
No. I just...

Jim:
So what then? You think I need some kind of help because I'm old?

Ed Gibb:
No, I really...

Jim:
Well, let me tell you somethin', college boy.

Ed Gibb:
Hey hey hey, if you hit me again, I am not coming for Christmas.

Rory:
Just throw the ball with me for five minutes.

C.J.:
Do I look like I have time for tom-foolery?

Cate:
Can I get you something?

Ed Gibb:
No, no. I'm fine. I'm just watchin' the game.

Cate:
You're watching a broken TV.

Ed Gibb:
I'm a Lions fan. It's less painful this way.

Ed Gibb:
You show me hospitality.

Jim:
Out of my chair!

Bridget:
Ew. Your filling sucks.

Kerry Hennessy:
Yours smells like wet dog.

Cate:
I am now refereeing a pie fight. I feel like the mother of Amish teens.

Cate:
Uh, dad, maybe you wanna unplug that first.

Jim:
Oh, relax Cate. These little zaps make me feel alive.

Jim:
Fireflies!

Cate:
Well, I guess we'll never know what happened.

C.J.:
My guess, he started eating as a small child and never stopped.

Kerry:
So, that's all you can think of to be thankful for? That you got the good hair?

Bridget:
No, I said it's what I'm most thankful for.

Jim:
And, what about you, Cate? What are you thankful for?

Cate:
Well, I'm thankful for my wonderful children, and for my great dad and my mom even though she couldn't be here.

Jim:
That's what I'm thankful for.

Kerry:
[C.J. becoming first acquainted with the family] I suppose you're going to guess my weight, too.

C.J.:
101.

Kerry:
Yeah, because that's your conundrum.

Kyle:
Look Mrs. H it's been in my wallet for a year now and I haven't used it I swear.

Kerry:
He's a baller

Travis "The Rainman":
Holler!

Kerry:
Holler back, brother

Travis "The Rainman":
Yeaaaaaaah

Kerry:
Don't objectify me!

Kyle:
I wasn't, I was just staring at your body.

C.J.:
[C.J. thinks that Kerry's date to the prom is a lesbian] I think Monica might "oh-won-ica".

Bridget:
Mom, please don't ground me.

Cate:
I won't.

Bridget:
Oh wow it really works. Mom, can I have twenty dollars.

Cate:
No.

Cate:
You're not grounded. You're going to help me with the gardening and cleaning the rain gutters.

Bridget:
But what about my nails?

Cate:
I guess you'll have to cut them back.

Bridget:
[to CJ] This is all your fault.

Bridget:
I figured out what CJ stands for... Benedict Arnold.

C.J.:
That would hurt if it made any sense.

Paul:
[Bridget storms into the house very upset] So, is my little girl a cheerleader?

Kerry:
[enters doing a high kick and waving pom-poms] Yes, she is!

C.J.:
I stole the mascot once.

Rory:
Really? What was it?

C.J.:
It was an alligator.

Rory:
No it wasn't.

C.J.:
It was a bobcat.

Rory:
No it wasn't.

C.J.:
It was a duck.

Carter Tibbits:
It's okay. It's family, music to my ears.

Cate Hennessy:
So, where's your family tonight, Carter?

Carter Tibbits:
Well, wife number one is in Aspen with my girls. Wife number two went back to Italy with my boys. And wife number four, my current wife, she's vacationing with her mother in Martha's Vineyard.

Paul Hennessy:
What about wife number three?

Carter Tibbits:
We don't ever talk about wife number three! But I love wife number four.

Bridget Hennessy:
You know, aren't you a little young to have all of those wives? It sounds to me like you had some mother issues.

Paul Hennessy:
Bridget!

Carter Tibbits:
No, no, she may be onto somethin'. You know, when you grow up the eighth of nine kids, sometimes you can get lost in the shuffle. [Sad] Oh, mama, why didn't you love me? [Puts his face in his hands and pretends to cry. Paul goes over to comfort him. He points his hands at Paul, revealing that he was faking] Booyah!

Carter Tibbits:
Paul, I thought my crew chief made everything clear. I can't trust a man who sneaks in my bedroom while I'm showering and plays with my stuff. I'm afraid you're dead to me, Paul. Just like a certain ex-wife whose number I will not mention. [Pats Rory on the shoulder] How're you doin' there, son?

Paul Hennessy:
Now, Carter, I just want to set everything straight, and then you'll never hear from me again. I know that the book deal is dead. Is it? [Carter stares at him] I mean, right. No, no, that's neither here nor there, it's just... that I, I want you to know that I wasn't playing with your stuff. [he stares at Rory, Rory shakes his head "no". He goes back to looking at Carter] My son took something. I was putting it back.

Carter Tibbits:
Well, isn't that somethin'. Blaming it on your own son!

Cody Grant:
[From the other room, VO] Pitiful!

Paul Hennessy:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Wait! If you rewound the tape...

Carter Tibbits:
You're not half the man that wife number three turned out to... [Stops himself, realizing he's said too much] I think you know where the door is.

Rory Hennessy:
[He and Paul go towards the door, but Rory turns back for a moment] Mr. Tibbits, I stole that picture of you and movie legend, Paul Newman. My dad was just putting it back. I took it for a joke.

Carter Tibbits:
There's nothin' funny about stealin', son.

Rory Hennessy:
I know. It's just, my dad's so funny, and I was trying to be funny.

Paul Hennessy:
Rory, why'd you take it so far?

Rory Hennessy:
Because I wanted to impress you!

Carter Tibbits:
Whoa! Whoa! Stealing to impress your father! You know, Rory, I run a program for at-risk youth, such as yourself...

Paul Hennessy:
He's not at-risk!

Carter Tibbits:
If I had a dime for every parent who ever said that...

Bridget Hennessy:
I know it's hard. But, in order to accept it, you need to say it out loud. That's the first step to recovery. Now repeat after me: "It's not my fault". Say it.

Carter Tibbits:
[a second screen pops up with him sitting on the couch in his room] I can't!

Bridget Hennessy:
Come on! Say it! "It's not my fault".

Carter Tibbits:
It's not... my... fault. Wife number three... was not... my... fault. Wait a minute! I know whose fault it was! Mama, why didn't you love me? [He puts his head in his hands. Bridget hangs up the phone]

Kerry:
[after hearing Bridget was elected Student President] That's what's wrong with democracy.

Jim:
Hey. I went to war for democracy.

Rory:
We know you did. Look at Korea now. You kicked ass!

Kerry:
And don't tell Bridget this, but I'm really scared.

Jim:
Oh, so you're scared about being away from your parents? You know, when I was a teenager going on my first holiday without my parents, I was scared.

Kerry:
Where did you go?

Jim:
The Korean War.

C.J. Barnes:
[trying to impress Sissy] Hey, er, you know, the "C" in CJ stands for Cory. So, er, hey Rory! It's your cousin Cory. What you doing?

Rory Hennessy:
Watching you make an ass of yourself.

C.J.:
Red thong...? I thought that was a handkerchief...

[Jim looks down at his suit pocket. Pulls out his "handkerchief."]

Jim:
Oh dear God!

Cate:
Oh, my god. What is he doing?

Bridget:
I think he's hamsterbating.

Bridget:
Yeah, you were right. I thought about it and a promise is a promise and I don't want to be mean and lets face it, one date with this geek it'll probably make his entire life.

Kerry Hennessy:
Bridge? Grandma and Gramps are here.

Bridget Hennessy:
Is Dad with them?

Kerry Hennessy:
No.

Bridget Hennessy:
Well, then I really don't give a damn.

Cate Hennessy:
[reading Paul's last article] Okay readers, today we're having a little pop quiz, it's multiple choice, so sharpen your number 2 pencils and put your thinking caps on. Ready? Here's a quote: "Dad, you're an idiot." Now, contestants, this was said to me because of which of the following transgressions? A: Coming to the breakfast table wearing pajamas and black socks? B: Asking my oldest daughter if that guy I saw her talking to yesterday at school was her boyfriend? C: Referring to rapper Fiddy Cent as "Fifty Cents"? or D: Entering the room? Okay, pencils down. Actually it was a trick question. The answer is all of the above. Now do you know how many times I called my father an idiot? Zero. Why? Because I feared him. Back then we didn't share our deep personal feelings, our deepest conversations usually revolved around the tigers bull pen. But my kids, I can't get them to shut up! There's not a feeling that my kids are afraid to express over and over and over. And my wife reassures me this is a good thing over and over and over, and she's always right. So do I wish that my kids feared me? Well my house would be quieter, and I'd spend a lot less time in the bathroom, but no. Because I know that whenever they insult me whether it's a "You're an idiot," "You're a geek," or an "I hate you," an "I love you" isn't far behind. And it's the knowledge that my wife and kids love me that makes it safe for me to wear pajamas and black socks to the breakfast table.

Rory:
[when Bridget breaks her nose, comes down for breakfast] I am not an animal.

Bridget:
Shut Up!

Cate:
Rory, are you about done?

Rory:
Just about. I am a human... being.

Rory:
I should go up to my room and take a long look at myself. In the mirror. To see what my butt looks like when I'm dancing! [shakes shoulders]

Jim:
Kerry's so angry. I've never seen such raw, naked hostility since... you know.

Cate:
The Korean War?

Jim:
No, your mother.

Kerry:
Give me one good reason why I can't go to the Maeve Festival.

Cate:
Actually, I'll give you three: sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.

C.J.:
Sold!

C.J. Barnes:
[Bad French Accent] Hello, Cate.

Cate Hennessy:
[Noticing C. J. sitting there, drinking a cup of tea] How long ahve you been sitting there?

C.J. Barnes:
[Accent] Bridget, Kerry, Kerry, Bridget. What do they covet most, Cate?

Cate Hennessy:
Boys?

C.J. Barnes:
[Accent] Hm, yes. Many, many boys.

Cate Hennessy:
Well, I was just in their room...

C.J. Barnes:
[Accent] Snooping, Clarice?

Cate Hennessy:
I was cleaning! Anyway, i found my suitcase, and a bunch of websites about hotels.

C.J. Barnes:
[Accent] Bridget and Kerry, hotel, boys. One banana, two banana, three banana, four.

C.J. Barnes:
[Bad French Accent] What we have here, Cate, is a Trash & Dash.

Cate Hennessy:
What's that?

C.J. Barnes:
[Bad French Accent] The coolest kids in school throw a party. They rent a fancy hotel room, trash the place, then dash out the door without paying. Trash & Dash.

Cate Hennessy:
You used to do that?

C.J. Barnes:
I said the cool kids! I asked all my friends about it, they're like "no! It's a myth!"

Cate Hennessy:
You know, that actually makes sense. The hotels, the beauty salon, the cool kids didn't invite you. Thanks, C. J.

C.J. Barnes:
[Bad French Accent] You have to admit, Cate, the world's a much more interesting place with me around.

Cate Hennessy:
C. J., why are you talking like that?

C.J. Barnes:
I don't know.

Cate Hennessy:
Corn? [She sits up]

Bridget Hennessy:
[VO] The chips are potato and corn...

Cate Hennessy:
[She stands up and knocks a bag over. A flyer falls out that reads "Evergreen - Fresh and Fun"]

Kerry Hennessy:
[VO] We rented... Evergreen. I hear it's totally fresh and fun...

Cate Hennessy:
[Flashback, reading a flyer] An overnight stay in a beautility salon...

Rory Hennessy:
[Flashback, hanging up the phone] That's weird. Travis Stevens just invited me over to his house...

C.J. Barnes:
[Flashback, sipping a cup of tea] What do they covet most, Cate? Many, many boys...

Cate Hennessy:
Those girls! They are so dead! [Hops out of the room]

[last lines. CJ calls Jim from Canada, having been sent there by him to buy "acetylsalicyclic acid" for his hip]

C.J. Barnes:
Hey, it's C.J... "Acetylsalicyclic acid"? You sent me all the way to Canada for *aspirin*?

[pause, Jim laughs]

Jim Egan:
C.J., the pain in my hip is still here, but now the pain in my ass is in Canada!

C.J.:
[to Kerry] OK, Pippi, quit hogging the mac and cheese.

Bridget:
[to Jeremy] I mean, I go to your academic parties and I try to impress you and it's like BUY A VOWEL ALREADY!

Bridget:
[about Lacey] Wait, so I'm your rebound to pony girl?

Bridget:
Mom says I'm ready to drive.

Paul:
Mom also thought I was ready for fatherhood.

Paul:
[after seeing Kerry and Bridget run up and latch themselves onto boys, Paul leans out his car's window with sack lunches] Bridgie! Kerr Bear! You forgot your lunches! You're welcome!

Paul:
When you 'assume', you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'.

[later]

Bridget:
When you 'presume', you 'press' 'u' to 'me'. OK, that's gross.

Bridget:
I'm going to have a long distance, monogamous relationship with my virgin boyfriend just to spite you.

Paul:
Alrighty then!

Bridget:
Hello Mary-Kate, hello Ashley.

Bridget Hennessy:
My life is so unfair, my life is so unfair

Jim Egan:
Doesn't she have to pay a royalty to Kerry everytime she says that?

C.J.:
[talking to the class on his first day as a substitute teacher] American history... is the history of America.

Rory:
It's no fun egging your own backyard.

Paul:
[Bridget is busted for shop lifting, and Paul needs to talk to her in private] Rory, go outside!

Rory:
No way! People will point at me and say, "Hey! There's the shop lifter's brother"