A Very Special Favor

Paul Chadwick:
Dorothy, if a man ever asks you to romance his daughter, promise me you'll turn him down.

Dorothy:
You have my word.

Dr. Lauren Boullard:
Mr Chadwick! Mr Chadwick!

Paul Chadwick:
[emerging from his hiding place] Oh! It's you. I wasn't sure

Dr. Lauren Boullard:
Hiding in the closet isn't going to cure you. There's only one thing that will - you're going out tonight

Paul Chadwick:
Out there? They'll get me!

Mrs. Ruthledge:
Did you see that, Calvin? Kissing, at nine in the morning, and practically inviting him to her bedroom. You won't find women like that in Cedar Rapids...

Mr. Calvin Ruthledge:
...No matter how hard you try

Michel Boullard:
Mr Chadwick, many years ago in my youth, wanting to taste all of life's pleasures, I did a very foolhardy thing... I bit into a marriage licence

Paul Chadwick:
A lot of good men have choked on that

Michel Boullard:
[having coffee poured into his cup] Thank you. She was an American. Oh, it was an ideal marriage - until we left the wedding chapel

Paul Chadwick:
That's as much happiness as any man has the right to expect

Michel Boullard:
It was raining. Her gown got wet. And somehow she made me feel that I had failed in my first act as a husband; I had permitted the rain to fall

Paul Chadwick:
She lost confidence. If you couldn't stop the rain, what would you do if an earthquake came?

Michel Boullard:
I continued to fail her when she needed me most. Where was I when the pilot light went out on the stove? When her car ran out of gas? And what was I doing at the office, the day the plumbing got clogged?

Paul Chadwick:
An American husband would never be at the office when the plumbing got clogged - he'd rush home to share it with his wife

Michel Boullard:
Then, one evening, we were sitting there enjoying a delightful dinner, when suddenly, my wife spoiled everything...

Paul Chadwick:
...She showed up

Michel Boullard:
How did you know I was with another woman?

Paul Chadwick:
You said you were enjoying dinner, didn't you?

Michel Boullard:
Oh, it was a harmless flirtation. I tried to explain to my wife. But all she could do was stand there - and say, 'Well'! It would not have helped to have dropped a thousand apologies into that well

Paul Chadwick:
A wife's well is bottomless

Michel Boullard:
Now with a French wife, when I got home I would have found her in tears - and a new negligee. But with my wife, when I knocked on the bedroom door...

Paul Chadwick:
...you found her with her lawyer...

Michel Boullard:
...and a travel agent

Michel Boullard:
The next morning, she and the child were on a plane back to America. Fini!

Michel Boullard:
Monsieur, a father with a daughter who is a thirty year old spinster... do you know what it means?

Paul Chadwick:
Yeah, it means that any able-bodied man who can run, walk or crawl should avoid you

Michel Boullard:
Of course, when a daughter posseses a certain innocence at eighteen, for a father it's a joy to behold. When she's twenty-one, you're still happy but, er, thoughtful. When she's twenty-five, you are no longer smiling...

Paul Chadwick:
...It's getting grim

Michel Boullard:
When she's twenty-nine, going on thirty, what does a father do?

Paul Chadwick:
Turns to prayer. There's nothing left

Michel Boullard:
There is one hope - a man. A very special man; worldly, sophisticated. One who will gently lead her into a romantic adventure, an emotional interlude from whose fires a woman shall be born. Such a man is hard to find...

Paul Chadwick:
I will be, if you give me a ten minute head start!

Michel Boullard:
Please, Monsieur, I'm desperate. Can a man abandon his only child?

Paul Chadwick:
I think, in this case, society will forgive you

Paul Chadwick:
What does she look like now? Today? This minute?

Michel Boullard:
How does one describe inner beauty?

Paul Chadwick:
Forget the inside. Let's stay on the outside for a while

Michel Boullard:
I feel safe in saying, she's attractive

Paul Chadwick:
You feel safe? Would it be risky for anyone else to say it?

Michel Boullard:
I'm trying to be objective. You don't like heavy women?

Paul Chadwick:
No

Michel Boullard:
You like them slim...?

Paul Chadwick:
How slim?

Michel Boullard:
She's not the type of woman with the large hips and the over-developed bosoms that is so distasteful to men

Paul Chadwick:
What men?

Michel Boullard:
An animated face, expressive eyes, a dazzling smile, exceptional teeth - outstanding

Paul Chadwick:
Big

Michel Boullard:
A matter of semantics

Paul Chadwick:
She's a skinny, flat-chested girl with buckteeth. And so far you've only been talking about her good points