Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Melissa:
Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.

Ace Ventura:
Pleasure to meet you.

Melissa:
Did you have any trouble getting in?

Ace Ventura:
No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.

Dan Marino:
Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum?

Ace Ventura:
That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.

Ace Ventura:
If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

Mrs. Finkle:
If he had held the ball laces out like he's supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

Man:
Shut the hell up, you stupid mut. (opens door) What do you want?

Ace Ventura:
HDS sir, and now are you doing this afternoon? alrighty then. I have a package for you. (lifts package)

Man:
(grabs package) It sounds broken.

Ace Ventura:
Most likely sir; I bet it was something nice, though. Now, this is an insurance form. If you'll just sign here, here, and here... Initial here, and print your name here, We'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.

(Man takes package and signs)

Ace Ventura:
That's a lovely dog you have there sir, do you mind of I pet him?

Man:
I dont give a rat's ass.

Ace Ventura:
Alrighty then. (gets down and makes funny noises at dog, while petting him.) That's okay sir, we'll finish the rest. You just have yourself a good day. Take care now, bye bye then.

Ronald Camp:
I'll have the plumbing checked immediately, Mr. Ace.

Ace Ventura:
See that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed.

Aguado:
Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?

Ace Ventura:
Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 40 pounds... PORKIN' his wife.

Ace Ventura:
Warning. A**holes are closer than they appear.

Ace Ventura:
It's ALIVE. IT'S ALIVE.

Ace Ventura:
I just visited Ray Finkle's place.

Lois Einhorn:
And?

Ace Ventura:
Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lecter.

Melissa:
You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.

Ace Ventura:
Oh yeah? And you're ugly.

Lois Einhorn:
Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?

Ace Ventura:
Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.

Melissa:
You really love animals, don't you?

Ace Ventura:
If it gets cold enough.

Ace Ventura:
I'm looking for Ray Finkle.

Ace Ventura:
...and a clean pair of shorts.

Mr. Finkle:
What do you know about Ray Finkle?

Ace Ventura:
Soccer style kicker graduated from Cauler high June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA division 1 records one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule," The first and only pro athlete to come out of Cauler County and one hell of a model American.

Mr. Finkle:
Are you another one of those "Hard Copy" guys?

Ace Ventura:
No Sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan, This is my Graceland.

Lois Einhorn:
Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone.

Ace Ventura:
Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.

Woodstock:
What's the password?

Ace Ventura:
New England clam chowder.

Woodstock:
Is that the red or the white?

Ace Ventura:
Ah, I can never remember that. White.

Ace Ventura:
Yes.

Mr. Shickadance:
Ventuuurrraaa.

Ace Ventura:
Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.

Mr. Shickadance:
Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura...

Mr. Shickadance:
... you owe me rent.

Ace Ventura:
Mr. Shickadance, I told you - you're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out.

Ace Ventura:
That's a true Albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird, you're paid.

Mr. Shickadance:
I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard 'em again this mornin' scratchin' around.

Ace Ventura:
I never bring my work home with me, sir.

Mr. Shickadance:
Oh yeah? What's all this pet food for?

Ace Ventura:
Fiber.

Melissa:
Ace, Where are you?

Ace Ventura:
I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor.

Ace Ventura:
This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Ace Ventura:
I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear.

Ace Ventura:
Excuse me sir, but do you have a mint? Perhaps some Banaca?

Lois Einhorn:
What would you know about pressure.

Ace Ventura:
Well, I have kissed a man.

Ace Ventura:
Holy testicle Tuesday.

Lois Einhorn:
What the hell is he doing here?

Ace Ventura:
I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

Ace Ventura:
She gets flooded, we'll just have to wait a second.

Ace Ventura:
Or we could try it now.

Ace Ventura:
WOW., Ray Finkle's house, I can't wait to meet him

Mr. Finkle:
Ray ain't coming home

Ace Ventura:
But your wife said you expect him home any minute

Mr. Finkle:
She expects him home any minute, see the engine's running but there's nobody behind the wheel. Eight years ago our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental Hospital in Tampa, and they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff.

Ace Ventura:
Hi-ho Silver! Away!

Melissa:
I swear if you do anything to embarass me this evening...

Ace Ventura:
What? Like this?

Ace Ventura:
Good evening, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc this evening? Aaall righty, then.

Ace Ventura:
If the lieutenant is indeed a woman as she claims to be then she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have *ever* seen!

[Aguado stomps on a cockroach.]

Aguado:
Homicide, Ventura. Now how you gonna solve that one?

Ace Ventura:
Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's dick and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds...porking his wife!

Aguado:
Why, you- [tries to attack Ace, but he misses]

Ace:
Come on! [takes him down and holds his face near the dead bug] Now, kiss and make up.

Ace Ventura:
[using his ass to talk to Emilio] Excuse me! I'd like to ASS you a few questions!

Emilio:
This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn comes in here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.

Ace Ventura:
[turns around to face Emilio] I think I can keep him under control, but you're going to have to tell me who's working the Snowflake case.

Emilio:
Hey, I can't do nothing for you on that one. My hands are totally tied.

Roger Podactor:
Who's he?

Melissa Robinson:
Roger Podactor, meet Ace Ventura. He's our pet detective.

Podactor:
[shakes Ace's hand.] Nice to meet you, you were highly recommended by Martha Metz.

Ace Ventura:
Martha Metz? Oh, yeah, the b*tch!

Podactor:
What?

Ventura:
Pekingese, hyperactive, lost in Highland Park area. She was half-dead when I found her. [looks at the tank area] Is that the tank? Excuse me. [walks off with Melissa and Roger standing in disbelief]

Ace Ventura:
[speaking through his rear opera-style] Assholiomio...Osodomia...Lea-- [sees Lois Einhorn] HOLY...testicle Tuesday!

Lois Einhorn:
What the hell is he doing here?

Ventura:
I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

[at the crime scene following Roger Podacter's death]

Ace:
Oh, there is just... one more thing, Lieutenant. This woman is Roger Podacter's neighbor, she lives across the hall. She said she heard a scream, isn't that right Ma'am?

Lady:
Right.

Ace:
(to the manager) And you said you had to open the balcony door when you came into the room?

Man:
That's true.

Ace Ventura:
You're certain you had to open this door?

Man:
Yeah, I'm certain.

Lois Einhorn:
What's the point, Ventura?!

Ventura:
Only this... [walks out to the balcony and begins singing like an opera singer while opening and closing the door; no one can hear him when the door is closed] This is double-paned soundproof glass! There is no way that neighbor could've heard Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut! The scream she heard came from inside this apartment before he was thrown over the balcony, and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! [mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist] I have exorcised the demons! This house is clear. Losers?

Einhorn:
[everyone stares in shock] GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

Ventura:
[starts making his way out with Melissa while looking at everyone, holding his fingers like an L] LOSERS! Leh-hew, ze-hers!

Ronald Camp:
Who is he, a friend?

Melissa Robinson:
No, this is--this is my date. He's a lawyer.

Camp:
Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer"?

Robinson:
No, this is Ace. Um, Tom Ace.

Ventura:
Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Mr. Camp, and congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific. I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at Stanford Law was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice with little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?

Camp:
[nervously] Very, very well, thank you.

Ventura:
[to Melissa] Oh. Look, honey, there's the hors d'oeuvres. [looks suspiciously at Camp]

[Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head]

Ace Ventura:
[begging] Don't kill me! Please! I'll never tell anyone, I swear... [indicates Marino] He's the one you want! Kill him!

Dan Marino:
No, kill him! He's the detective!

Ventura:
No, kill him! He held the ball wrong, remember?! Come on, look at the guy! [startled at Einhorn shooting into the air]

Marino:
[to Ace] Crybaby.

Ventura:
[to Dan] Jock.

Marino:
Wimp.

Ventura:
Musclehead.

Lois Einhorn:
SHUT UP! I think I'll kill the dolphin first, I wouldn't want you to miss that!

Einhorn:
Shoot him! SHOOT HIM!

Emilio:
Hold your fire! [Melissa drags Emilio into the area with a gun pointed at him] Don't shoot.

Melissa:
Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it! [c*cks gun and puts it under Emilio's chin]

Emilio:
She's not joking!

Einhorn:
HE KIDNAPPED SNOWFLAKE! He killed Roger Podacter, and he was just about to kill Dan Marino and ME!

Ace:
Oh-ho-HO! Fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance: if you were to look up professional football's all-time bonehead plays...you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a 26-yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII. [takes deep breath and begins speaking at a faster clip] What you WOULDN'T read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, was committed to a mental hospital, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker, manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing! [gasps for air]

Aguado:
What the hell are you talking about?

Ace:
[pointing at Einhorn] SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN! She's Ray Finkle! She's a man!

Einhorn:
He's lying...SHOOT HIM!

Ace:
[laughs] Let's just see who's lying, shall we? Would a real woman have to wear one of these? [pulls on Einhorn's hair, assuming it's a wig] Boy, that's really on there! But tell me this...would a real woman be missing these? [rips open Einhorn's blouse, revealing her breasts] That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend! But I doubt very much if he could find the time during his... busy schedule...to get rid of big ol' Mr. Knish! [rips Einhorn's skirt off, believing she is hiding a penis, but she appears to have the normal figure of a woman] Heh heh...oh, boy.

Dan Marino:
Psst, Ace...come here.

Ace:
Would you excuse me for just one second? [Ace walks over to Marino, who whispers to him about something that leaves Ace agape] Ladies and gentlemen...my esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken...if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be...then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I HAVE EVER SEEN! [Ace grabs Einhorn and spins her around revealing a huge penis tucked behind her legs, making everyone gasp in shock] THAT'S why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winky!!

[Everyone in the Miami Dade PD, including Marino and Snowflake reacts in disgust because it means that Finkle/Einhorn had indeed kissed them like she/he did Ace.]

Ace:
Goodnight, everybody! You've been a wonderful audience! I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.

[Finkle picks up a piece of glass]

Finkle:
DIE ANIMAL BOY!! [runs at Ace, attempting to kill him]

Ace:
Quick decision. [Ace somersaults Finkle into the water]

[Ace is trying to catch the rare albino pigeon that landed on the Gatorade cooler, when a man playing Swoop chases it away.]

Ace:
IDIOT!

Swoop:
What?!

Ace:
You realize what you just did. You cost me $25,000, Polly!

Swoop:
Yeah? Blow me.

Ace:
Rrreeallly?

"Llllllllike a glove!"

Ace Ventura:
[trying to figure out the connection between Lt. Einhorn and Ray Finkle, but sees his pet dog sitting on the Finkle photograph, and deduces something by the dog's hair making it look as if Finkle has woman's hair.] What the...that's it. That's it. Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a MAN! [remembering that Einhorn had kissed him] OH MY GOD! EINHORN IS A MAN?! [Ace goes to vomit in the bathroom]