Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

Ace:
Meeting with sinister types much? A not too much, a much too much.

Ace:
There's someone on the wing! Some... THING! I'm sorry, what were you saying?

Ace:
The urine stain on your pants signifies that you are a single-shake man, far too busy for the follow-up jiggle.

Ace:
Friends, rodents, quadrupeds, lend me your rears!

Ace:
I'll have you know that I have the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose. Throw it. I DARE YOU!

Ace:
It is the mucus that binds us.

Ace:
Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky and loaded with danger.

Ace:
Pretty hot in these rhinos...

Ace:
Nobody wants to play with me!

Ace:
Guano bowls! Collect the whole set...

Ace:
You know? Gingivitis is the number one reason of all tooth decay.

Ace:
Mmm, this fruit paste is delicious and the pottery is lovely.

Ouda:
It's made from guano.

Ace:
Guano! Why's that sounding so familiar?

Fulton Greenwall:
Bat droppings!

Fulton Greenwall:
Guano is their main raw material, they're using it to made a lot of things in the village.

Ace:
Yummie!

Ace:
Just what sort of bat are we talking about?

Fulton Greenwall:
The Great White Bat, of course.

Ace:
Corpus Kilochiroptera?

Fulton Greenwall:
Yes, but to the natives... Shikaka.

Ace:
Shikaka... Shikaka! Shikasha! Ohhh! Shishkabab. Shawshank Redemption. ShicaaaaGO! You're outta there! Go on, I gotcha, you're out.

Fulton Greenwall:
Ace, the Wachutu's are blood-thirsty. If they catch you, they will show no mercy!

Ace:
Worry not, my brother. For I will be as a fly on the wall - a grain of salt in the ocean. I will move amongst them like a transparent...*thing*.

Ace:
Where iz zhe bat?

Ace:
Die you bewinged spawn of Satan!

Fulton Greenwall:
Bumbawe Atuna... Bumbawe Atuna...

Ace:
Bumblebee tuna! Bumblebee tuna! Excuse me... Your balls are showing...

Ace:
Bumblebee tuna!

Ace:
Greenwall, hit the lights! The switch on the wall beside you! Go for it!... Flick it, QUICK!

Ace:
Okay, shall we go to jail?

Ace:
Yes, how selfish of me. Let's do all the things that YOU wanna do.

Ace:
Can you feel it, Captain Compost?

Ace:
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And you must be the Monopoly guy!

Ace:
Thanks for the free parking!

Ace:
I'll meet you at the bottom there's still one more thing I must do before I go...

Ace:
Isn't this incredible? It's gonna be some kind of a record! Everyone loves a Slinky, you gotta get a Slinky, Slinky, Slinky, go Slinky go!

Ace:
Awww man! Can you beleive it. It was right there!

Ace:
If you were me then I'd be you and I'd use your body to get to the top. You can't stop me no matter who you are!

Quinn:
Something wrong, Mr.Ventura?

Ace:
Of course not, this is a lovely room of death.

Ace:
That's a lovely fur you're wearing. Perhaps I could find you some slippers made from the skins of innocent and defenseless baby seals!

Ace:
Cadby, from the consulate, right? This is weird!

Ace:
That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRASION ON YOUR PALM! Damn I'm good!

Fulton Greenwall:
You must be very proud, Ace.

Ace:
Pride is an abomination. One must forego the self to obtain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation.

Fulton Greenwall:
Yes, well he bends over and talks from his behind.

Ashram Monk:
Oh, him.

Abbott:
Great, I'll go tell the others.

Ace Ventura:
Master, break it to them gently.

[Moments later some monks pop open a glass bottle of champagne and pour it in glasses. As Ace and Fulton are leaving, they see the monks dancing in jubilation, a roll of toilet paper is thrown and a monk is seen running naked as they head outside and the doors to the temple closes]

Ace Ventura:
I've never seen them act like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing

[with Greenwall at top of the huge stairs leading to a temple]

Ace Ventura:
I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go...

[close-up of slinky going down huge steps to temple]

Ace Ventura:
Isn't this incredible?! It's gonna be some kind of a record! [singing] Everyone loves a Slinky! You gotta get a Slinky! Slinky, Slinky! Go Slinky go! [Slinky stops on the second to last step] Awwwwww, MAN! Can you believe it?! It was right there! Can I do it one more time?

Fulton Greenwall:
Forgive me, Mr. Ventura, but if we don't hurry now, we might miss the plane.

Ace Ventura:
Of course. How selfish of me. Let's do all the things that you wanna do.

[at a diplomatic function inside the British consulate in Nibia, after noticing a woman wearing a fox fur wrap]

Ace Ventura:
[leaning at the bottom of the staircase] That's a lovely wrap you're wearing! Perhaps I could buy you some fluffy new slippers, made from the heads of innocent and defenseless baby seals!

The Monopoly Guy:
Who is this ghastly man?

Ace:
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And you must be the Monopoly guy! Hey...[whispering] thanks for the free parking.

Pompous woman:
Another activist, McGuire.

The Monopoly Guy:
Activist, yes... [snobby laugh]

Ace:
[imitating him] Activist, yes, mhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm!

Pompous Woman:
Mr. Ventura, there's nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of nature. You should try it sometime.

Ace:
Alrighty then! [smacks the "Monopoly Guy" in the face which knocks him unconscious, then drapes him over his shoulders, in mockery of the woman's fur wrap] You know something? You're right! [sings and dance exotically around the room, then shakes the man, making his jaw move] Do not pass go! Do not collect 200 dollars! [hands him back to the woman] It's lovely, but I fancy myself an autumn.

Ace Ventura:
Mmm, this fruit paste is delicious, and the pottery is lovely.

Ouda:
It's made from guano.

Ace Ventura:
Guano. Sounds so familiar. [starts licking the remains of the fruit paste from the bottom of the bowl]

Fulton Greenwall:
Bat droppings.

[Ace drops the bowl spitting the remains of the paste and wiping off his tongue]

Fulton Greenwall:
Guano is their chief resource, they use it to make many things in the village.

Ace Ventura:
... Yummy!

Ace Ventura:
[inspects the Great White Bat's sacred hut upon entering] Quite an auspicious dwelling for a filthy flying weasel. [starts to climb up on the altar, but quickly jumps off as the Chief shouts at him]

Fulton Greenwall:
Please, Mr. Ventura! That is sacred ground, I'm sorry. But only the Wachati are allowed to step there.

Ace Ventura:
[noticing the Chief has a dagger to his throat] Hey. Take it easy. I'm the loogie guy, remember? [the Chief puts his weapon away and turns to talk to Fulton; Ace prances about on the altar while the Chief isn't looking]

Fulton Greenwall:
Er, yes, yes, Chief, thank you. Thank you. [to Ace] The Chief says that unless the Sacred Bat is returned before the marriage of the princess, the entire Wachati tribe will meet their death.

Ace Ventura:
What type of bat are we talking about here?

Fulton Greenwall:
The Great White Bat, of course.

Ace Ventura:
Crepuscular chiroptera?!

Fulton Greenwall:
Yes, but to the natives... Shikaka.

[Natives kneel in respect of the name every time it is mentioned; Ace takes notice of this]

Ace Ventura:
Shikaka? [they kneel again] Shikaka! [they kneel once more; Ace chuckles deviously] Shikasha! [the chief begins to kneel but catches on that he didn't say the name right] Ahhh! Sssssshhhhhhhish-kebab. Sssssshhhh- "Shawshank Redemption". CHI-CA-GO! [Chief kneels] You're outta there! [points outside] Go on, you're gone, go on. [the Chief leaves the hut]

[Ace has been caught spying on the Wachootoo and tries to explain himself through Ouda]

Ace Ventura:
Tell them what I'm saying. [faces the Wachootoo] I come in peace!

Ouda:
[in poorly-translated Wachootoo] White Devil say, "I will harm you." [The Wachootoo look suspicious]

Ace:
[to Ouda] I couldn't help but notice the "equinsu ocha" part. Did you just refer to me as "white devil"?

Ouda:
This how they know you.

Ace:
Leave that part out from now on! [to Wachootoo] I represent the princess!

Ouda:
[in poorly-translated Wachootoo] "I am a Princess." [tribesmen look confused; one young man eyes Ace with interest]

Ace:
War is hell. The last thing we want... is a fight!

Ouda:
[in poorly-translated Wachootoo] "I want to fight, so go to hell." [The Wachootoo roar in anger; the Chief speaks to Ace] The chief said, "If you pass all Wachootoo tests, you do not die."

Ace:
[observes the Wachootoo for a moment] Kooky!

[Ace is pontificating about the Shikaka abduction and any motives]

Ace Ventura:
Someone wants the tribes to destroy each other. There must be something valuable in this equation. Perhaps we should meditate upon it, Spike. For it is said that when seeking answers, one must quiet the soul in order to hear them. [sits down crosslegged] What is it the Wachatis possess that is of great value to other men - besides the princess with the amazing rack? All righty, then. [meditates and recites "All righty then" in trance to communicate with his master at the Ashram monastery]

Monk:
[sees Ace's spirit] Oh Ace. You're back?

Ace:
You can dispense with the smallpox, all-knowing one. I'm here on business, and time is of the essence.

Monk:
Very well. What answer do you seek?

Ace:
I need to know what it is the Wachatis possess that is of great value to civilized man?

Monk:
The medallion will lead you to the answer. You do still have the medallion, don't you?

Ace:
Medallion? Why, surely. I left it back, uhh, with my body.

Monk:
Your aura is weakening.

Ace:
OKAY, I THREW IT IN A CAVE! What do you want from me? What are you? Mr. Perfect?! You wanna know where it is? It's probably lying in a BIG PILE of... [suddenly realizes the answer; the Monk smiles and nods in assent at him; Ace opens his eyes] Guano! They have guano!

[having discovered Cadby's scheme, Ace enters the British Consulate to confront him. As he enters the main room, he stamps his foot on the floor to get Cadby's attention]

Vincent Cadby:
Hello, Ace. You want your money?

Ace Ventura:
Wrong again, Sweeney Todd! I've come for the secret bat. Where is it?

Vincent Cadby:
Please. Whatever can you mean?

Ace Ventura:
Guano? Hello?! Does "poop" ring a bell? [takes out a book and reads from it] "Guano: mined as a source of nitrate, producing 84% of the world's supply of fertilizer, a 1.4 billion dollar industry." [closes the book] THAT's what this war is all about! You can't legally take possession of the caves as long as the Wachatis inhabit the area, and you want that dookie so bad, you can taste it.

Fulton Greenwall:
But Sir, I thought that...

Vincent Cadby:
[quietly] Thank you, Fulton... [back to Ace] That's a fine theory, Mr. Ventura... What has it got to do with me?

Ace Ventura:
I thought you'd never ask! [sucks in air, then starts talking rapidly] The day I met you, there was a white substance on your shoe that I mistook for plaster; yesterday I saw the same white substance outside the hut where the bat was kept, and suddenly it hit me: the Great White Bat has Great White Guano! That's what you stepped in, that's what was on your shoe, and that explains the abrasion on your palm! ...Let me run that back for ya. [steps back while talking backwards, as if on a tape being rewound] That's what you stepped in, that's what was on your shoe, and that explains the abrasion ON YOUR PALM! DAMN I'M GOOD! [does pelvic thrusts] Can you feel that?! Huh?! Can you feel it, Captain Compost?! The day of redemption is at hand!!! REPENT... And thou shall be saved.

[The Wachati Princess and the tiny Wachootoo warrior get married and enter a special tent to consummate their union]

Fulton Greenwall:
They will now consummate the marriage in the witness of the tribe. [gently pats Ace on the shoulder] Well done, Ace. You must be extremely proud.

Ace Ventura:
Pride is an abomination. One must forego the self to attain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation. [suddenly sees Wachootoo warrior emerge from tent screaming angrily] What's that he's saying?

Fulton Greenwall:
I think he's saying she's not a virgin. [looks pointedly at Ace]

Ace Ventura:
... They can tell that?!

[both Wachati and Wachootoo chase Ace through the jungle]

Ace Ventura:
What about my medallion of spiritual accomplishment?

Abbott:
Oh, here. [gives Ace his own]

Ace Ventura:
[shocked] This took you eighty years to achieve!!!

Abbott:
That's okay, I don't like it anymore. Really.

Ace Ventura:
In light of this personal sacrifice you've made... I have no choice... but to take the case.

Abbott:
Great! I'll go tell the others.

Ace Ventura:
Master! ... Break it to them gently.

[Moments later some monks pop open a glass bottle of champagne and pour it in glasses. As Ace and Fulton are leaving, they see the monks dancing in jubilation, a roll of toilet paper is thrown and a monk is seen running naked as they head outside and the doors to the temple close]

Ace Ventura:
I've never seen them act like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing.