Achmed Saves America

Hassan:
[high-fives Achmed and accidentally knocks his skeleton hand loose and sends it flying down the road] Sorry.

Achmed:
No worries. [takes out a huge "Captain Hook" prosthetic and snaps it onto his wrist in place of his hand] We've got OBAMACARE!

Tinker-Bubba:
Hello there - - I am Tinker-Bubba! Did I hear you say that you wish to become intoxicated?

himself:
No - - animated.

Tinker-Bubba:
Well - - I can help with that, too!

Carl Zimmer:
[responding to Chet's loud arrogant bombastic behavior] We need to set an example, Chet. [walks up to Achmed and shakes his hand] Carl Zimmer. We're not all teabagging wingnuts like this guy, Claude.

Chet Anderson:
[indignantly] Yeah? And we're not all freedom-hating, Al-kissing, gunless lesbians like this guy! AmeriCAAA!

Achmed:
[starting to regain conciousness in the hospital bed, and weakly singing in his semi-delirious still-half-asleep state] Da bomb on da bus make big "bang-boom"... big "bang-boom"... big-"bang-boom"...

Hassan:
[in a low sneering growl of restrained fury and disgust] Achmed! **Why** are you still ALIVE?

Achmed:
[in cheerful imperturbability] Nice talking to you, too!

on-camera crowd:
[cheering on the trivia-quiz show on Hussan's TV in the background] Wheel - - Of - - TORTURE!

Hassan:
I should have heard a BIG BOOM by now! You have worked for us for T'REE YEA'S now, and you STILL haven't killed INFIDEL ONE! I swear - - you are da most useless suicide bomber in da ENTIRE WORLD!

Achmed:
Not to worry, Hussan - - I will get it right this time.

Hassan:
Achmed! You blundering EEMbecile! Are you forgetting that you BLEW UP OUR TRAINING CAMP? Da only t'ing left was da MONKEY BAHS!

older of two observing chimps:
[contemptuously watching a line of terrorist-trainees awkwardly swinging themselves along by their hands from underneath the tubular metal framework] Oh, puh-lease - - we are SO-O-O much better at this stuff than they are!

HomeBound Buffet waitress:
Did you enjoy your meal, gentlemen?

Achmed:
Oh, yes it was perfect, thank you. We had a most delicious and filling dinner, burped and farted to our hearts' content, and now we're leaving.

HomeBound Buffet waitress:
Are you sure? We're just now bringing out a new trough of fresh Butterfinger pieces.

Achmed:
How very fattening of you. But much as we'd love to gorge ourselves into an early grave, we really have to go now.

Hassan:
[disgustedly, upon hearing Achmed say he wants to return to America and help the Wilsons] I cannot believe that you would want to go back to that devil-filled country of INFIDELS! You are insane. I would pay more attention to the shrieks of a rabid WUTAH BUFFALO!

Achmed:
[sarcastically] Ah, yes - - and how is your wife? [snickers heartily at his own joke] Pithy American put-down humor!

Hassan:
[fist-swipes Achmed across the head and knocks his sombrero off, then glowers fiercely at him] For that insolence I should KEEL you until you are DEAD! [abruptly relaxes his face into a casual considering expression as he calmly ponders Achmed's question] But - - she is fine, thank you for asking... she has lost some weight... more COW than WUTAH BUFFALO these days, I'd say.