Action

[on budget cuts]

Peter Dragon:
If it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, let's flush it down, people!

Peter Dragon:
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill him.

Stuart Glazer:
I think you get fined by the Writers Guild. [pause] But it's only 2500.

Wendy Ward:
Adam, do you know what I used to do?

Adam Rafkin:
You were a prostitute.

Wendy Ward:
Adam, do you know what a two-fingered Mexican oil job is?

Adam Rafkin:
No.

Wendy Ward:
I do. Do you know what a double-knobbed rubber-bottom sex-basket is?

Adam Rafkin:
No.

Wendy Ward:
I own one, Adam. Adam, have you ever had a Dominican face-hat?

Adam Rafkin:
No.

Wendy Ward:
Of course you haven't. Cause I'm one of only six people in the world who knows how to do it, and Adam, when you get to page 80 I will do it *to you*.

Wendy Ward:
I'm even gonna throw in the incredibly difficult reverse ceiling squad, which normally requires a permission slip from a cardiologist.

Beverly Hills Savings Executive:
This film is based around a madman with an arsenal of automatic weapons savagely slaughtering zoo animals.

Stuart Glazer:
Yes, it's sort of a cross between Dr. Dolittle and Apocalypse Now.

Peter Dragon:
Yeah, you get the kids *and* the parents.

Beverly Hills Savings Executive:
I'll tell you what, Peter. I'll give you the 50 million. If you promise to put our credit in big bold letters over that final shot of the dying baby panda bubbling blood out of his sucking chest wound.

Uncle Lonnie:
You gotta think positive. Like when I lost my right testicle I could've *really* been depressed. But I wasn't.

Peter Dragon:
Congratulations.

Uncle Lonnie:
You know, I get out of the shower every morning, I look down and I say: That sack is half *full*!

Peter Dragon:
If writing's hard, how come Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have Oscars?

Peter Dragon:
I was a writer myself, I wrote all my early movies.

Adam Rafkin:
Action comedies?

Peter Dragon:
Gay porno.

Adam Rafkin:
[Peter is strangling Adam] I'm sorry, I have a - I have writers block!

Peter Dragon:
Oh, you have block huh? [grabs something] How 'bout I unblock you with this people's choice award?

Peter Dragon:
I may have to lay a few people off, oh yeah, I don't wanna name any names, but for those of you ladies that, eh, routinely mistake a hand in the blouse for sexual harassment, you might wanna call that b*tch Gloria Albright and get her off my ass.

Dick 'Rene' Marcellus:
Peter, as a partner, I want to be consulted on these decisions.

Peter Dragon:
Well, let me ask you a question. Do I tell you how to go to a bus station, pick up a teenage girl, and turn her into a prostitute? No.

Peter Dragon:
How are we gonna cast the part of the seeing eye dog? Stuart, that can't be everybody, who's the hot young dog in town now?

Stuart Glazer:
Well, there's the Taco Bell dog, red hot. [Peter looks disapprovingly] That dog on Frasier is doing some really terrific work, but who knows if that will translate on the big screen and, eh, well obviously Disney has about 101 dogs that are looking for work.

Uncle Lonnie:
102, counting Glen Close.

Peter Dragon:
You're both wrong. Disney put all those dogs down when the film wrapped.

Stuart Glazer:
Really? They're so efficient.

Sandra Bullock:
[kicking Peter as he crawls onto his couch] You wanna explain this tape?

Peter Dragon:
What tape, what are you talking about?

Sandra Bullock:
Eh, 'Sandra Buttocks in While you were sleeping... on my face' [angrilly puts tape in VHS player]

Peter Dragon:
Wait, you think I had something to do with that?

Sandra Bullock:
My dad bought it yesterday on your website.

Sandra Bullock:
[audio from Peter and Sandra's sex tape] Oi, puppy, yeah! Peter, can't we just turn off some of these lights?

Peter Dragon:
No! No, I need the lights.

Sandra Bullock:
Okay, okay.

Peter Dragon:
I wanna see every inch of your beautiful body...

Sandra Bullock:
Oh yeah.

Peter Dragon:
...Sandra Bullock.

Sandra Bullock:
Oh, Peter, we're making love, just call me Sandie.

Peter Dragon:
Okay, Sandie... [quietly] Bullock... of Speed.

Sandra Bullock:
Oh yeah, faster! More speed!

Adam Rafkin:
[Adam is in hospital suffering from exhaustion] Today is the first day I'm been able to drink out of a bendy straw, so...

Peter Dragon:
[feigning interest] Really? Hey, there you go you're on the road to wellsville. You ever see that movie, Road to Wellsville?

Peter Dragon:
No, who's in it?

Adam Rafkin:
Lara Flyn Boyle's breasts, hmm.

Adam Rafkin:
I'll rent it.

Peter Dragon:
You won't be disappointed.

Peter Dragon:
I swear to God, if self involved braindead chimps ever form a union, it's gonna be 98 % actors.

Wendy Ward:
I think they have, it's called Screen Actors Guild.

Peter Dragon:
[desperate to keep Cole Riccardi from coming out of the closet] Well, Cole, the truth of the matter is, and eh... I'm trusting you with my life here... I too, eh, am a friend of Dorothy's.

Cole Riccardi:
Peter, what do you take me for? What about that tape of you and Sandra Bullock?

Peter Dragon:
She's the one that drove me to men! Don't make me relive it, Cole.

Cole Riccardi:
I know, cause I've been there. For me it was Carrie Fisher.

Peter Dragon:
Is that my goat?

Momo Shabong:
No, that's Bobby G.'s goat.

Peter Dragon:
That looks just like my goat.

Momo Shabong:
Everybody I like gets a goat.

Dick 'Rene' Marcellus:
I didn't get a goat.

Dick 'Rene' Marcellus:
Momo.

Momo Shabong:
Yes?

Dick 'Rene' Marcellus:
My goat?

Momo Shabong:
You shame me. The truth is, I am out of goats. Now I must kill myself. [draws dagger]

Dick 'Rene' Marcellus:
Ho!

Robert 'Bobby G.' Gianopolis:
Heyheyheyheyheyheyhey!

Dick 'Rene' Marcellus:
It's ok, my friend.

Robert 'Bobby G.' Gianopolis:
We'll share the goat.

Dick 'Rene' Marcellus:
We'll share the goat.

[first lines]

Jane Dragon Gianopolis:
[reading] I, Peter Dragon, being of sound mind and body, declare that this is my last will and testament.

Peter Dragon:
What are you doing?

Jane Dragon Gianopolis:
Ah! Oh my god! Peter! You're not dead!

Peter Dragon:
What happened to me?

Jane Dragon Gianopolis:
You had a heart attack. The doctor said you were legally dead. You were legally dead!

Peter Dragon:
You know what, I'm changing my whole will right now. I'm leaving everything I have to... Larry Flynt.

Peter Dragon:
How're you doing, I'm Peter Dragon. I'm a millionaire. I produce movies. And I wanna thank all you gas station attendants and plumbers for reproducing. That's... nice. You're doing a great job, plumbers and gas station attendants. Keep up the good work.

Peter Dragon:
You call those the breasts of a grown-up? I've seen better jugs in Schindler's List.

Peter Dragon:
When I was 13 years old, I saw my first R-rated movie, Barbarella, and in the opening sequence, Jane Fonda took out two of the most beautiful ripe melons that this old farm boy ever did see. But they're gone now. Because of time, aging, gravity, and that dirty old bird Ted Turner pulling on them night after night. They don't exist! They're gone! But I still have the memories of those breasts. Beautiful breasts, that can turn a 13-year-old boy into a 13-year-old man.

Jenny:
I'll have all of Hollywood's a-list c-cups in your office by two o'clock.

Titus Scroad:
Every night, he and I sit down with the big book.

Peter Dragon:
The Bible?

Titus Scroad:
Moby Dick.

Peter Dragon:
Six-hundred-dollar piece of sh*t! Swim, you f***, swim!

Uncle Lonnie:
How do we know he's really dead? Usually, when someone dies, they crap themselves and the stuff floats up. Now h... Never mind. There's the mother load, it's hooked underneath.

Peter Dragon:
I am the mommy!

Jane Dragon Gianopolis:
Are you serious?

Peter Dragon:
I'm serious as a heart attack.

Peter Dragon:
Take it easy, you're pretty critical for a man who a guy that humps a sweat sock.

Adam Rafkin:
[awkward laugh] He's kidding.

Peter Dragon:
Not kidding.

Peter Dragon:
[on cellphone] Look Bobby, I think this kid Holden has got a real problem, he's killing other people now, the next thing he's gonna kill himself, you know, I think maybe it's time we recast and put the kid in rehab.

Holden Van Dorn:
Mr. Scrotum.

Peter Dragon:
Scroad.

Holden Van Dorn:
Scrote, it is an honor to meet you. I want you to know that your movie 'Bone Field' changed my life, man. And I've been waiting 15 years for your next movie, where've ya been, man?

Titus Scroad:
I've been to hell and back, son. For the past 12 years I've been on a downward spiral of drug and alcohol addiction that didn't stop untill I found myself in Mexico, making mad passionate love with Glen Close.

Peter Dragon:
Hey, that doesn't sound too bad there, partner.

Titus Scroad:
Well, yeah, but unfortunately it was a Mr. Glen Close, who was an antique refinisher in Orange County.

Peter Dragon:
I'll tell you what, why don't we go across the lot and I'll show you the tank where Leonardo DiCaprio drowned.

Georgia Dragon:
I don't understand why he just didn't hold on to the fat girl.

Peter Dragon:
You're so cute.

Uncle Lonnie:
How's your mother?

Hot Dog Vendor:
We lost her three weeks ago, Lonnie. Doctor said it was, eh...

Georgia Dragon:
[interrupting] Excuse me, this has sour crout. I distinctly said no sour crout. Do you have a hearing problem, or is it some kind of age related short term memory thingie?

Peter Dragon:
Alright, What's the first rule of producing?

Georgia Dragon:
Never invest you're own money. There's plenty of suckers out there.

Peter Dragon:
What's the second?

Georgia Dragon:
No pirate movies.

Peter Dragon:
Third?

Georgia Dragon:
Ehm...

Uncle Lonnie:
Explosions, b*obs, explosions. It used to be b*obs, explosions, b*obs, but women have advanced a long way.

Peter Dragon:
[to his daughter] Oh, hey, you wanna see a movie, it's directed by some chinaman, it's a, it's good, I don't know, what's the title of it?

Wendy Ward:
Pussycat lips, pussycat whips, bang bang pussycat, pussycat dies.

Georgia Dragon:
Is it P.G.?

Wendy Ward:
I don't think so.

Adam Rafkin:
[tasked to help Georgia with her book report] You know, when I was a little boy, I had to do my own reports.

Georgia Dragon:
So you should be really good at this!

Peter Dragon:
Life is filled with things that you just can't predict. Ned Beatty goes on a rafting trip in "Deliverance," winds up getting sodomized by hillbillies. Eddie Murphy stops to give a girl a ride home, turns out she has a bigger schlong than he does. One night you go out for McDonald's and accidentally hack your ex-wife and Ron Goldman to death. These things happen. The point is that things can change 180 degrees in a split second.

Holden Van Dorn:
Caleb... Caleb is more like a... he's like a... he's like a lobster. You know? Like, low to the ground, moves on his own time, he's got a hard shell, he hates butter. Stuff like that.

Peter Dragon:
Hey, what's this? You're hiding donuts in your pocket?

Reagan Lauren Busch:
No... this isn't my jacket.

Peter Dragon:
This isn't your jack- We had this made for you, it has your name on it.

Reagan Lauren Busch:
Well then they made it with the donut in it.

Peter Dragon:
What?

Stuart Glazer:
[to Jenny] I don't think you understand my stature around here.

Stuart Glazer:
Hey, worthless!

Peter Dragon:
Yes?

Holden Van Dorn:
I am the star, Peter, I'm the star! [shouting] I have to have the bigger codpiece!

Peter Dragon:
Yeah, I read that in Laurence Olivier's book 'Acting with your crotch'.

Holden Van Dorn:
Who the f*** is Laurence Olivier?

Peter Dragon:
Exactly.

Peter Dragon:
[shouting] Get him up on the catwalk and get him on the damn rope! I want him hanging from that rope faster than O.J. at a clan rally.

Paramedic #1:
Okay, let's get the paperwork done. What's the T.O.D.?

Paramedic #2:
I'll check. Time of death: 9.30, Thursday night. [as the first paramedic notes it down] Hey, this is a nice watch.

Peter Dragon:
I started out the way I always start a film: having sex with a whore.

Peter Dragon:
And I just wanna tell you that if it does turn out like Slow Torture, I'm cutting you loose. You'll spend the rest of your life in Vancouver making Meatballs sequels with John Landis. I hope you like Jim Belushi and David Spade, cause you're gonna be seeing a lot of them.

Peter Dragon:
Wow, somebody woke up on the wrong side of JM J. Bullock this morning.

Robert 'Bobby G.' Gianopolis:
I like JM J. Bullock.

Blood & Piss Guy:
He's gonna get the best blood money can buy: Amish.

Peter Dragon:
How do you get Amish blood?

Blood & Piss Guy:
Traps.

Peter Dragon:
I lost track of time. You know how I get when I'm shopping for urine.

Peter Dragon:
It's really weird: usually I have a girlfriend and I make pretend she's a whore, but with you it's completely the opposite: I have a whore and I make pretend she's you're my girlfriend.

Wendy Ward:
Wow, look what's passing for a compliment these days.

Peter Dragon:
Hi Mr. Van Dorn, you ready to knock Keanu off the top of the hill?

Holden Van Dorn:
Yes. Yes I am, ready as a hoot-owl.

Peter Dragon:
Are you sober? Any magic powder floating around in there?

Holden Van Dorn:
No, no, I am sober as an ox.

Peter Dragon:
Sober as an ox? [smiles] You went to school in the studios, didn't you?

Holden Van Dorn:
Yeah, since, eh sixth grade.

Peter Dragon:
Yeah, I can tell, you're smart as a duck.

Peter Dragon:
[Stuart is hiding from Peter in a bathroom stall] Stuart, get out of the stall, Stuart, I know you're in there!

Stuart Glazer:
No... You'll hurt me.

Peter Dragon:
Yes, I will hurt you. But you know what, If I hurt you, then at least one of us will feel better.

Stuart Glazer:
She still has a very pretty face.

Peter Dragon:
Oh she has a face? I didn't notice 'cause unfortunately it's on top of the body of Brian Dennehy!

Dr. Wong:
Okay, Dr. Wong gonna cut to chase: this girl very fat. Maybe 45, 50 more than you want her to be, right? [Lauren whimpers] Legally I cannot suck that much fat out of her unless she's obese like Roseanne or that fattie from Practice.

Reagan Lauren Busch:
Camryn Manheim?

Dr. Wong:
Yes, she's fat!

Dr. Wong:
[picks up phone] Yeah?

Peter Dragon:
[on tiny cellphone] She'll be there in an hour.

Dr. Wong:
You want 35, 45 off?

Peter Dragon:
50 pounds. And nothing from the breasts.

Dr. Wong:
It hurt like hell.

Peter Dragon:
I don't care. [both hang up]

David Leisure:
Off the record, Peter, what would you do if this one tanks too, like Slow Torture did?

Peter Dragon:
I'd kill myself. Or do TV, I don't know which one's worse.

David Leisure:
What would you do on TV?

Peter Dragon:
I would do a show about eh, hell, I'd do a TV show about me. That'd be interesting, huh? A TV show about a Hollywood producer, morally corrupt, nobody likes him. I, I, I'd have cursing, sexual content, I'd have guest stars running in and out, I'd be a big hit. All you'd have to do is find the right time slot.

Senator Powell:
Now you are perilously close to being cited for contempt, Mister Dragon!

Peter Dragon:
I'm already in contempt! I'm in contempt of all you old whores and hypocrites! At least I'm giving the American people what they want!

Senator Powell:
And just exactly what is it that you think they want?

Peter Dragon:
I'll tell "yew" exactly what they want, Senator: they want chase scenes and car crashes! They want firm breasts and tight-assed Latino men! They want their cowboys to be strong and silent. They want their cops to bend the rules to get the job done. They want the boy to get the girl. They want the alien to be killed... unless he's cute. They want the good guy to win. They want the bad guy to die, hopefully in the biggest explosion the budget will allow. But most importantly, Senator, they want to walk into a theater and for ninety minutes be able to forget about the f***ing mess you have left of this nation.

Senator:
Mr. Dragon, you have a young daughter, do you not?

Peter Dragon:
Let's not go there...

Senator:
Her name is Georgia, she's about 10 years old I believe.

Peter Dragon:
Don't do this.

Senator:
Has little Georgia seen your film entitled "Ripcord"?

Peter Dragon:
She can't get in Senator, it's rated R.

Senator:
Which contains 357 acts of violence, 175 profanities, and four scenes of lesbian sex. She proud of her daddy for that one?

Wendy Ward:
I think we should just go.

Senator:
How can you look that sweet little girl in the eye?

Peter Dragon:
I manage. I never voted to subsidize the growing of tobacco, while turning my back on food programs for starving kids. I've never vetoed a gun control bill; all MY guns are fake, Senator. I've never rushed to the defense of Kuwaiti oil fields, while ignoring genocide in Africa, because big oil companies that line your fat pockets aren't concerned with black Africa. Those are all productions of YOUR company Senator, this company right here!

Peter Dragon:
Listen to these numbers: In 1987, 95% of all on-screen homicidal maniacs were played by white males. Whereas last year, 50% of on-screen homicidal maniacs were played by blacks, women, and Puerto Ricans. I, sir, am very proud of those numbers and their progress.

Connie Hunt:
Nobody loves you, Peter. That means that you're gonna have to do something very public, very generous, and totally altruistic.

Peter Dragon:
Public and generous I can do, altruistic I'm not so sure about.

Connie Hunt:
Why not?

Peter Dragon:
I don't know what that means.

Peter Dragon:
Welcome. Thank you all for coming to the grand opening of the Peter Dragon Camp for Pediatric German Measles. Kids with measles, why do they fall through the cracks? And these aren't ordinary measles, people, these are *German* measles. *German*. We all know what that means, they're highly organized, they're efficient, and they're brutal. German measles will not stop their path of destruction until somebody stand up to them and says: Never again! Well, I, Peter Dragon, am here today to say: *Never again*!

Stuart Glazer:
Hey Peter, what are we helping to cure?

Peter Dragon:
Nothing, Stuart, these are rich white people, they are here for their own egos, they're hypocrites. Look on the necklace on Candy Spelling, you'd rip that off her neck, you could cure *death*.

Peter Dragon:
I'm gonna get violence off the streets and back where it belongs: in the movies.

Peter Dragon:
Honey, give me a break. Was what I did really that bad?

Connie Hunt:
You called five of the most powerful men in America 'old whores' and then you told the rest of the country they were only interested in Stallone movies and oral sex.

Peter Dragon:
Yeah well, I was obviously kidding, nobody cares about Stallone movies.

David Hasselhoff:
Come on folks, who wants to strap their kids in a teacup with Michael?

Stuart Glazer:
God, I'm stuffed. They put out so much food at these things. Celebrities eat like pigs.

Wendy Ward:
I know. Hey, I just saw half the cast of Friends throwing up in the ladies room.

Stuart Glazer:
Shut up!

David Hasselhoff:
Next up: ordinary corn holders. That is if you consider Mary Tyler Moore's cornhole ordinary. [catches himself] Cornholders. I mean cornholders.

Peter Dragon:
A hundred thousand dollars and I get to see her nipple?

Bernie Beckerman:
Peter, for a hundred thousand dollars you can cram the camera up her ass for all I care.

Peter Dragon:
My foot - get up, Stuart - is gonna be so far up your ass, that a piece of my ass might actually be in your ass!

Stuart Glazer:
They wanna make me Head of Comedy.

Peter Dragon:
Head of Comedy? What do you know about comedy?

Stuart Glazer:
Nothing. But I'm gay.

Jenny:
[to Reagan] Your crotch has had more visitors than Graceland.

Peter Dragon:
Rafkin. You just killed a man.

Adam Rafkin:
I'm sorry.

Peter Dragon:
No. No. That's fantastic! You did it. You're a producer now. You did it!

Peter Dragon:
Stuart, put your pants on and get the hell out of here. [to Bernie and Reagan] Hey, how many times do you think he heard that sentence, huh?

Peter Dragon:
Okay, Stuart, look, there is an enormous difference between movies and television. You know what that difference is?

Stuart Glazer:
No...

Peter Dragon:
Okay, let's take a look at my rolodex, okay? I'll be the movie, you be the TV rolodex. In my movie rolodex I have, eh, Sean Connery. Your TV rolodex? Shawn Wayans. Eh? Marlon Brando, Marlon Wayans. Alec Baldwin, Alec... eh... Wayans. There's probably one floating around, I don't know.

Reagan Lauren Busch:
[locked in her trailer] Holden Van Dorn is a big homo!

Peter Dragon:
[standing outside talking to the trailer door] Why do you think Holden's a homo? I mean, I know why I think Holden's a homo, but why do you think he's a homo?

Reagan Lauren Busch:
Peter, he couldn't even get it up during the love scene.

Peter Dragon:
Homo. Well, in his defense, eh, you know, it's acting, Reagan. So, maybe, you know, he's just acting he has an erection.

Reagan Lauren Busch:
Well I don't care what he's supposed to act like. I mean it's a common courtesy.

Peter Dragon:
What's your problem?

Holden Van Dorn:
Eh, I can't get... I can't get little Keanu to stand at attention.

Adam Rafkin:
[intimidating a caterer] Don't answer me when I ask you something.

Manny Sanchez:
[Peter parks his car in the Employee of the Month parking space] Hi, I'm Manny Sanchez, from the commissary, and I'm the Employee of the Month.

Peter Dragon:
Well that's fantastic, Manny. What is that, some kind of award for not peeing in the cob salads?

Manny Sanchez:
I never pee in the cob salads.

Peter Dragon:
Really? That's too bad, because if I was you, I would have peed in the cob salads. In fact, I would have peed in every f***in' cob salad every f***in' day so every one of those cocksuckers in that commissary would have had a taste of Peter f***in' Dragon. But you know what, Manny? That's just me. Move.

Manny Sanchez:
You're Peter Dragon?

Peter Dragon:
Yeah, I'm Peter Dragon. That's right. And while you've admirably restrained yourself over the years from peeing in the cob salads, I've made ten motion pictures that have earned this studio a billion dollars. So I'm gonna continue to park wherever the f*** I want because, unfortunately for you, I am Employee of the f***ing Century! Congratulations on your award, though. Your parents must be very proud.

Peter Dragon:
We bought the wrong script?

Stuart Glazer:
Well, we've bought crappy scripts before.

Peter Dragon:
Yeah, but that was on purpose! Okay, how much did we pay Mr. "Is-there-gonna-be-a-party-afterwards?"

Peter Dragon:
I have no idea. Not very much, I'm sure.

Gina:
Two hundred and fifty thousand.

Peter Dragon:
What? Hey, Stuart, look at me. Are you telling me we spent a quarter of a million dollars and we got the wrong Jew? What are you thinking? A quarter mil for Adam Rafkin. Adam Rafkin couldn't write his name in the snow with his dick!

Peter Dragon:
I'm really looking forward to us working together.

Keanu Reeves:
Peter, I have some concerns.

Peter Dragon:
Well, I'd like to hear about them.

Keanu Reeves:
I'm a little concerned that your date has her hand down my pants.

Wendy Ward:
I'm a big fan.

Keanu Reeves:
Why, thank you. I'm getting to be a pretty big fan of yours, too.

Peter Dragon:
Look, Stuart, go in the men's room right now, sit in a stall, and see if you can hear the buzz on the picture.

Stuart Glazer:
Jesus, Peter, I'm the president of production. Make Gina do it.

Peter Dragon:
I don't care what they're saying in the ladies' room. I have Harvey Keitel pummeling Wynona Ryder's face with a tire iron. It's not exactly a woman's film!

Adam Rafkin:
[At Bobby G's beach front Christmas party] Hi, it's me, Adam Rafkin. Merry Christmas. This is funny that we're running into each other like this. What did you think of my script. Did you...?

Peter Dragon:
Rafkin, I'm trying to celebrate the birth of Christ with my family, and... hundreds of beautiful, young, gay men. How dare you come here on the holiest of days and crap on our Christmas with talk of show business?

Stuart Glazer:
[Stuart walks up in a speedo] Peter.

Peter Dragon:
Stuart, what are you doing here?

Stuart Glazer:
I have a *life.*

Wendy Ward:
I hated the stupid music, I thought it flat out sucked!

Stuart Glazer:
It's electronic.

Wendy Ward:
Yeah, so's my vibrator. But I don't have to sit in a chair and listen to it for an hour and a half.

Stuart Glazer:
Who the hell are you?

Peter Dragon:
She's my prostitute.

Stuart Glazer:
[stuttering] She's your whore?

Peter Dragon:
No, she's my prostitute. You're my whore.

Peter Dragon:
Listen to me, she can come to the pre-premiere party, she can come to the premiere, she can come to the post-premiere party, but she cannot come to the post-premiere party party. What do you mean, why?. Because she's ugly!

Peter Dragon:
The head of security is sleeping on a couch. Get him a blanket!

Uncle Lonnie:
And a bagel.

Peter Dragon:
And a bagel!

Wendy Ward:
Hey, you want a date?

Peter Dragon:
I'm gonna puke on you.

Wendy Ward:
Gee, I don't think I have a price for that.

Peter Dragon:
Don't talk about the music. Everybody knows, when your friends don't like your movie and they can't think of anything nice to say they talk about the music.

Cole Riccardi:
You're yanking me, you're Wendy Ward?

Wendy Ward:
Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Glazer:
Who?

Cole Riccardi:
Wendy Ward, schmuck. My God, 'Elephant Princess' was huge, every boy in America dreamed of being with Wendy Ward.

Uncle Lonnie:
And now that dream has almost come true.

Wendy Ward:
Easy...

Peter Dragon:
You know I'm really sorry you had to see Bruce Willis behave like that.

Wendy Ward:
Oh, please, It's okay. I just hope the cat is alright.

Wendy Ward:
I really like how even though I'm a hooker you don't treat me like a hooker.

Peter Dragon:
Thank you.

Wendy Ward:
You're welcome. Here's your bill.

Peter Dragon:
All right. It's a pretty impressive group of documents you've got here.

Wendy Ward:
Thank you. I've got Windows 98.

Uncle Lonnie:
You know, she was very helpful around the house. Especially those times when you overdosed in your own vomit you know.

Wendy Ward:
Thanks, Lonnie. See, I kept extensive notes of all of our activities, and then I itemized. See I broke it into different... straight, and there are oral, and others.

Peter Dragon:
You definitely broke it down three ways.

Wendy Ward:
Oh, that reminds me. I forgot about the tree-ways. Now, you know what, what the hell, I just throw those in, on the house.

Peter Dragon:
Oh, I hope so, I never even *touched* a guy.

Peter Dragon:
Look, Wendy, I want you to come work for me. Not as a prostitute, no, no, no. I want you to work for me as a motion picture executive, which is just a different kind of prostitute.

Peter Dragon:
Wendy, I trust you. You complete me.

Wendy Ward:
I hate it when people try to pass off movie dialogue and use it in real conversation!

Peter Dragon:
Well frankly, Wendy, I don't give a damn.

Peter Dragon:
You can be a prostitute and humiliate yourself as a job, or you can work as a motion picture executive and humiliate yourself as a career!

Stuart Glazer:
What if we cut the scene where the street gang sets fire to the Beverly Hills Hotel, rapes the supermodel, and plucks out her left eye? Hm?

Adam Rafkin:
Oh, come on! Are you kidding me? That's the funniest scene in the picture!

Peter Dragon:
Thank you!

Stuart Glazer:
True, but it always bothered me, I mean, a supermodel running around the rest of the picture with an eye patch.

Peter Dragon:
I don't agree. Deformity's sexy. I picture Drew Barrymore with, like, an eye patch, a club foot, maybe a lisp. Well, she *has* a lisp, but quite frankly, the whole picture gives me an erection.

Wendy Ward:
Yeah, I knew a working girl with no legs, made twenty-five hundred a night just sitting there. Spinning.

Stuart Glazer:
What about the zoo scene? Do we really need that?

Adam Rafkin:
Peter, no! The zoo scene is the centerpiece of the movie. Everything depends on the zoo scene. The gunfight at the zoo, the slaughter of the pandas. That's the contrapuntal expression of man's inhumanity to man. That's what makes this an allegory, yes, to the destructive nature of the Ubermensch.

Peter Dragon:
Ubermensch? Look, I like when the chick gets trampled by the zebra, it makes a great poster. The zoo scene stays.

Uncle Lonnie:
You're threatening me? That's a laugh... I'm seventy-nine years old. I've got one kidney, one ball and one lung. I take Viagra just to keep from peeing on my shoes, and you're threatening me? Who are you frightening?

Dick 'Rene' Marcellus:
Wendy, how many times do I have to tell you. never call me Rene when I'm trying to intimidate the white man!

Asher:
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

Peter Dragon:
I'm gonna work you like Kunta Kinte! Are you following me?

Adam Rafkin:
Uh... up to a point.

Peter Dragon:
Let's make magic, baby!

Salma Hayek:
Puerco, cerdo, marrano, cochino!

Peter Dragon:
Wha... Hey, Iglesias, what did she just say?

Man:
Pig.

Peter Dragon:
What do you mean, pig? She spoke for ten minutes! It's a three-letter word!

Dick 'Rene' Marcellus:
Name's Dick Marcellus.

Peter Dragon:
Dick Marcellus... Like Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction?

Dick 'Rene' Marcellus:
That's right. It's an *homage*.

Wendy Ward:
Is that the gun I gave you for Hanukkah?

Peter Dragon:
What's your favorite movie of all time?

Dick 'Rene' Marcellus:
I would say that I was most affected by the elegant impressionism of Fran?ois Truffaut's Day for Night.

Asher:
[being threatened by Peter] Peter, it's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

Peter Dragon:
Hey Rafkin, check it out: it's Salma Hayek.

Adam Rafkin:
Where?

Peter Dragon:
There! She'd be perfect for the female lead in 'Gunclub'.

Adam Rafkin:
Oh, yes, perfectly perfect. She's - I thought about her all the time I was writing. I think about her a lot when I'm not writing [laughs awkwardly] .

Salma Hayek:
[reminding Peter of the first time they met] You wanted me to take my shirt off.

Peter Dragon:
Sometimes, Salma, a little nudity is... it's intrinsic to the story, you know, for the role.

Salma Hayek:
I was auditioning for the part of the nun.

Peter Dragon:
What, haha, nuns don't take showers now? Is that - [Salma slaps him across the face again]

Peter Dragon:
Lloyd, you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

Lloyd 'Andre' Bellwether:
Sure Peter, eh, let me check my... book. [Peter smirks and points because he just got Floyd to reveal his real identity, Lloyd realizes and starts pounding the floor in frustration, Peter bursts out laughing]

Peter Dragon:
You Disney guys are dumb f***s!

Peter Dragon:
Anybody'd be a fool not to hire you, Sean. [Wendy Ward enters] But I think I'm gonna hire this whore instead.

Adam Rafkin:
I wanna have sex with every person here.

Peter Dragon:
Don't look at me!

Adam Rafkin:
The ugliest man in this place is twice as pretty as the prettiest girl I ever slept with!

Peter Dragon:
These girls want the same thing that you want.

Adam Rafkin:
No, Peter, I don't believe any of these women want my mother dead.

Peter Dragon:
You an actress, Jenny?

Jenny:
[laughs] No, no, you know I wanted to be, but they found out my I.Q. was over 80.

Adam Rafkin:
Why would Peter have a frog... in his ass?

Julia:
These guys become so jaded they have to resort to some pretty weird stuff to get themselves stimulated.

Adam Rafkin:
That's... ew... that's... grotesque, isn't it?

Julia:
Well, my philosophy is: if it feels good, do it.

Adam Rafkin:
Oh, you didn't, you didn't hear the thing about the frog?

Stuart Glazer:
[rips off his sunglasses] No, and I don't want to live another minute without hearing it.

Adam Rafkin:
Well, it seems as though our friend Peter was rushed into the emergency room with a frog in a little place called... his ass.

Stuart Glazer:
[laughs] Oh, who says, that can't be true.

Adam Rafkin:
They have the frog on the Internet in a jar of formaldehyde.

Peter Dragon:
[having just had sex with his ex wife Jane] You're the only woman I ever met that could hum and whistle at the same time.

Peter Dragon:
Jane, what the hell are you doing here? We reconciled.

Robert 'Bobby G.' Gianopolis:
Reconciled? I screwed her two hours ago.

Peter Dragon:
Well now she's returning the favor.

Peter Dragon:
Guy, there's nothing more pathetic than two white men trying to high-five. Put your hand down, there's people watching.

Peter Dragon:
[about Guy] He's so gay that I'll bet money he's straight.

[last lines]

Peter Dragon:
Take me to the office, Lonnie.

Uncle Lonnie:
Petie, you've been up all night, you haven't slept. Why don't you go home?

Peter Dragon:
That is home.

Wendy Ward:
[reading a list of potential directors] Two left, this one's weird: Cher.

Peter Dragon:
That is weird. You know what's weird about that? That she's not the last name on the list.

Peter Dragon:
Teen comedies? I hate Teen comedies! You get those, you get those same eight idiots running around with that moron David Arquette, getting slashed or wearing bodices or screwing pastry. If I wanna see somebody have sex with a cupcake I'll buy a box of Twinkies and I'll drive down to Tijuana and I'll do it myself.

Guy:
Peter Dragon, Peter Dragon, Peter Dragon [moves some flowers to grab Peter's hand] I am such a fan I feel like I've known you my whole life. I grew up on your movies. You made me want to become a filmmaker. Let's this...

Peter Dragon:
Wow, that's fantastic. [raises voice] Guy, let go of my hand, Guy! First of all, you're older than me, so save me the AFI achievement speech, okay? And second of all, you burried me in bullshit before we could even say hello.

Guy:
Hey, look at us, already cussing up a storm and having locker room fun!

Peter Dragon:
I wanna see people running around like Michael Jackson at a Toy's R Us, let's go.

Peter Dragon:
Is this another sexual harassment thing? When are women going to realize that 'no' is just another letter short of 'now'?

Bill Rothstein:
There is one little old thing over at Dragonfire films that we've eh, had our eye on for some a while now. [glances at his brother, snorts] We want, eh, one of your executives to come work for us.

Peter Dragon:
Eh, eh, I don't know. I don't think so. Stuart Glazer is eh, well he's my president of production, he's honest, trustworthy, loyal, works hard, he's, quite frankly, he's the backbone of the company. I can give him to tomorrow at 8. A.M., how is that?

Bill Rothstein:
He's great, Stuarts great. We don't want Stuart. We want your other executive. We want Wendy Ward.

Wendy Ward:
This is a job for The Elephant Princess.

Peter Dragon:
[after a wild night with the Rothstein brothers] Where's your coat?

Wendy Ward:
[laughs awkwardly] One of them ate it.

Peter Dragon:
I don't know how to thank you for this, Wendy.

Wendy Ward:
Here's how to thank me Peter: I want you to turn around, I want you to get into your limo and I want you to drive away. I want you to go back to your life and I want you to forget that you ever met me.

Peter Dragon:
What are you talking about?

Wendy Ward:
I'm through with this, Peter, I called a cab, and I'm gonna go home and pack and I'm gonna move some place, some place clean. But if the movie's a hit, I want you to call me, because I want all my money back.

Peter Dragon:
Jim. We're going to hell.

Jim Maxwell:
I know.

Peter Dragon:
At least I ain't walking.

Peter Dragon:
You know why God invented the theater? So the *ugly* actor would have a place to work!

Peter Dragon:
If we don't let druggies and drunks make movies, everybody'd be standing in line to watch three Amish people milk a goat.

Holden Van Dorn:
Peter, my counselor says that I'm an addict, ok?

Peter Dragon:
Yeah, in here you're an addict, ok, but on a Hollywood sound stage you're a tortured genius who takes frequent naps.

Jim Maxwell:
You know, the sun is the real silent killer. And not just direct sun, also second-hand sun.

Peter Dragon:
[discussing the product placement of cigarettes in a film] You want me to sell cancer... to children?

Jim Maxwell:
Yes.

Peter Dragon:
For *under* three million dollars?

Scott Wolf:
Peter, I looked totally in proportion on Party of Five.

Peter Dragon:
Yeah, how did they do that? What are you sitting on a phone book, or...

Scott Wolf:
Well, special sets, camera angels, and Neve Campbell is only 3 foot 8.

Peter Dragon:
Hm, I'd still do her.

Scott Wolf:
I'm kidding.

Peter Dragon:
I'm not.

Scott Wolf:
Peter, I've seen more ass in the last two months than you've seen in your entire life.

Peter Dragon:
'Course you have, 'cause your eyes are at ass level.

Peter Dragon:
Come on, I read the Bible.

Wendy Ward:
You did not. When did you read the Bible?

Peter Dragon:
I read the part about Jesus and the, the whore, Marlee Matlin, right?