Airplane II: The Sequel

Striker:
Which passenger is Joe Solucci?

Testa:
16C. Why?

Striker:
He's carrying a bomb.

Testa:
A b - ?

Striker:
No, not a b. A bomb.

Striker:
I got a piece of metal. It's a bobby pin.

Murdock:
A bobby pin? What the hell is the man doing with a bobby pin?

Murdock:
Make them blink in sequence.

Simon:
Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your captain, Captain Oveur.

Clarence Oveur:
Gentlemen, welcome aboard.

Simon:
Captain, your navigator, Mr. Unger, and your first officer, Mr. Dunn.

Clarence Oveur:
Unger.

Unger:
Oveur.

Dunn:
Oveur.

Clarence Oveur:
Dunn. Gentlemen, let's get to work.

Simon:
Unger, didn't you serve under Oveur in the Air Force?

Unger:
Not directly. Technically, Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn.

Dunn:
Yep.

Simon:
So, Dunn, you were under Oveur and over Unger.

Unger:
Yep.

Clarence Oveur:
That's right. Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn.

Unger:
So, you see, both Dunn and I were under Oveur, even though I was under Dunn.

Clarence Oveur:
Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn.

Witness:
Striker was the squadron leader. He brought us in real low. But he couldn't handle it.

Prosecutor:
Buddy couldn't handle it? Was Buddy one of your crew?

Witness:
Right. Buddy was the bombardier. But it was Striker who couldn't handle it, and he went to pieces.

Prosecutor:
*Andy* went to pieces?

Witness:
No. Andy was the navigator. He was all right. Buddy went to pieces. It was awful how he came unglued.

Prosecutor:
*Howie* came unglued?

Witness:
Oh, no. Howie was a rock, the best tailgunner in the outfit. Buddy came unglued.

Prosecutor:
And he bailed out?

Witness:
No. Andy hung tough. Buddy bailed out. How he survived, it was a miracle.

Prosecutor:
Then Howie survived?

Witness:
No, 'fraid not. We lost Howie the next day.

Prosecutor:
Over Macho Grande?

Witness:
No. I don't think I'll ever get over Macho Grande.

Prosecutor:
Doctor, can you give the Court your impression of Mr. Striker?

Dr. Stone:
I'm sorry. I don't do impressions. My training is in psychiatry.

Steve McCroskey:
Jacobs, I want to know absolutely everything that's happened up till now.

Jacobs:
Well, let's see. First the earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it.

Steve McCroskey:
Jacobs, what have you got on Elaine Dickinson?

Jacobs:
Well, I'm two inches taller, a better dancer, and much more fun to be with.

Elaine Dickinson:
Ted, I have the strangest feeling we've been through this exact same thing before.

Steve McCroskey:
And I can sum it all up in just one word: courage, dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, *guts*. Why, Ted Striker's got more guts in his little finger than most of us have in our large intestine, including the colon!

Boy:
Can I ask you a question?

Striker:
What is it?

Boy:
It's an interrogative form of sentence, used to test knowledge. But that's not important right now.

Buck Murdock:
Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.

Buck Murdock:
Oh, cut the bleeding heart crap, will ya? We've all got our switches, lights, and knobs to deal with, Striker. I mean, down here there are literally hundreds and thousands of blinking, beeping, and flashing lights, blinking and beeping and flashing - they're *flashing* and they're *beeping*. I can't stand it anymore! They're *blinking* and *beeping* and *flashing*! Why doesn't somebody pull the plug!

Buck Murdock:
We'd better get to the tower, Lieutenant.

Lt. Pervis:
We have no tower, sir.

Buck Murdock:
No tower?

Lt. Pervis:
Just a bridge, sir.

Buck Murdock:
Why the *hell* aren't I notified about these things?

Steve McCroskey:
Striker? Striker, Striker, *Strike Her*!

Striker:
We're going to have to blow up the computer!

Elaine Dickinson:
Blow ROC?

Striker:
Quick, you must get everybody into the lounge.

Testa:
But we don't have a lounge...

Striker:
That's not important right now.

Elaine Dickinson:
I'm gonna go get Ted, just don't fall apart on me now!

Jimmy:
Dad never slaps me around at home, must be his coffee.

Jimmy's Mom:
No, I've been serving him decafe. Maybe he's just an a**hole.

Mrs. Hammen:
Oh that was a time. You got hold of that bad acid and didn't come down for two weeks, you told everybody you were Jesus Christ and then jumped off a building thinking you could fly.

Mrs. Hammen:
No sh*t.

Striker:
We're not in the past anymore, Elaine. This... is the FUTURE.

ROC:
Voice interface.

Elaine Dickinson:
There's an overheat in the core. Please analyze problem.

ROC:
There is no apparent overheat.

Elaine Dickinson:
Yes, there is, ROC. We read a core overheat. Repeat analysis.

ROC:
Analysis confirmed. All systems compute positive.

Elaine Dickinson:
Well, not from where I'm sitting, they don't!

ROC:
Look, Elaine. Cut the "not from where I'm sitting" sh*t. It must be a human error.

Elaine Dickinson:
Captain, I think we have a computer foul-up!

Capt. Oveur:
I see.

Elaine Dickinson:
Well, what do you recommend, Captain?

Capt. Oveur:
Maybe you'd better run it through the computer.

Elaine Dickinson:
But sir, I already have!

Capt. Oveur:
Good!

Controller #2:
They're screwed!

Controller #3:
They're dead!

Controller Jacobs:
Did I leave the iron on?

Businessman #1:
Don't worry about the Viatex account, we have a buy or sell option; we can't get hurt in either case.

Businessman #2:
Just keep on top of their legal people, Bob.

Businessman #1:
Will do.

Businessman #2:
And Bob, feed the cats.

Businessman #1:
Will do.

First Woman in Line:
Where is the passenger processing lounge for the lunar shuttle?

Information Agent:
Concourse lounge C, fourth level.

First Woman in Line:
Thank you.

Information Agent:
Next?

Next Woman in Line:
How long is my parking permit good for?

Information Agent:
Two hours.

Next Woman in Line:
Thank you.

Information Agent:
Yes, next?

Next Man:
What's the fastest animal on Earth?

Information Agent:
The cheetah. Next?

Information Agent:
Yes.

Information Agent:
Next?

Opening Crawl:
[scrolling up a la Star Wars style] By the close of the twentieth century, construction of colonies on the lunar surface had begun and with this colonization came a new era in space travel. As our story opens, Mayflower 1, the first passenger shuttle to the moon, prepares for its maiden voyage--a voyage filled with hope, yet destined for disaster. Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away, Princess Amoura lay back in her bed as the handsome young knight entered the room. The princess slipped off her robe, revealing her silky white thighs. The knight embraced her roughly, and began to caress her soft, round…

Ted Striker:
Mary, which passenger is Joe Solucci?

Mary:
16C. Why?

Ted Striker:
He's carrying a bomb.

Mary:
A bah—[hands fly up to her mouth to muffle her words]

Striker:
No, Not a bah. A bomb.

Girl on Shuttle:
[Repeated to different men throughout the movie] I don't mean to sound forward. I mean, I know I don't know you. But I don't think we're gonna live through this. And... I've never been with a man before.

Soldier:
Those lights are blinking out of sequence.

Buck Murdock:
I see.

Soldier:
What should we do?

Buck Murdock:
Make them blink in sequence.

Jimmy Wilson:
I sure am glad they let Scraps ride up here with us, Dad.

John Wilson:
I bet Scraps is gonna love the moon.

Jimmy Wilson:
Do you think things will be a lot different on the moon, Dad?

John Wilson:
Oh, it's gonna be terrific! A whole new world. New kids to play with!

Jimmy Wilson:
Does that mean no more headlines about the rape trial?

John Wilson:
[angrily while wrapping his knuckles] Not many kids get the chance to live on another planet.

Jimmy Wilson:
No more kids yelling, "Your old man's a psychopathic sex pervert"?

John Wilson:
[angrily grabs Jimmy's jacket and pulls him close] Look, a man can make an honest mistake! Anyway she was asking for it! They're all asking for it all the time! [lets go of Jimmy and sits back looking crazed]

Jimmy Wilson:
(thinking) Dad never slaps me around at home. It must be his coffee.

Alice Wilson:
(thinking) No, I've been serving Dad decaf. Hmm. Maybe he's just an a**hole.

Steve McCroskey:
[drunkenly] Gentlemen, I don't find it easy to talk at a time like this, but I got to say something about that guy up there, and I can sum it all up in just one word: courage...dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, *guts*. Why, Ted Striker's got more guts in his little finger than most of us have in our large intestine, including the colon. [He gestures extravagantly and falls over]

Steven McCroskey:
Striker? Striker, Striker, Striker!

[a man behind McCroskey strikes a woman]

Ted Striker:
We're going to have to blow the computer!

Elaine Dickinson:
Blow ROC?

[a smiling face appears on the computer]

Mr. Hammen:
And how about the time we hopped in the family car and drove all the way to Woodstock?

Mrs Hammen:
Oh, that was a time. You got hold of that bad acid and didn't come down for two weeks. You keep telling everyone that you were Jesus Christ and then you jumped off a roof 'cause you thought you could fly!

Mr. Hammen:
What a bummer.

Mrs. Hammen:
No sh*t.

Steve McCroskey:
We keep losing their radio!

Bug Kruger:
Give it to me straight, McCroskey! What's it look like?

Steve McCroskey:
[puzzled] The radio? About so big, green, with numbers and lots of knobs...what?

Bug Kruger:
I mean the situation! What do your people think?

[The controllers begin thinking about the people in the hijacked airplane]

Controller #2:
They're screwed!

Controller #3:
They're dead!

Controller Jacobs:
Did I leave the iron on?

The Sarge:
Ted Striker was right when he test-piloted that sucker. And what did he get for telling the truth? A one-way ticket to the funny farm!

Buck Murdock:
Who's in control of that bucket o'bolts?

Lt. Pervis:
Some guy by the name of Ted Striker, sir.

Buck Murdock:
Ted Striker... We were close... until...

Lt. Pervis:
Until, sir?

Buck Murdock:
Until that day over Macho Grande.

Lt. Pervis:
Over Macho Grande, sir?

Buck Murdock:
No, I'm afraid I'll never get over Macho Grande.

[Flashback at Ted Striker's trial, where a black man is on the docket and makes the witness oath]

Clerk:
Do you swear on the Constitution of the United States to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Witness:
Ain't no thing. [jive talk for "I do". slaps the clerk's book and the clerk uses his book to slap the witness's hand as if "giving fives" to each other]

Defense Attorney:
[approaches the witness as he sits down in the witness stand] Would you describe in your own words, what happened that night?

Witness:
Yo! Check it, bleed. Bro... was on! Didn't trip. But the folks was freakin', man. Hey, and the pilots were laid to the bone, Home. So Blood hammered out and jammed jet ship. Tightened that bad sucker inside the runaway like a mother. Sh*t. ["Mr. Striker performed exceptionally. The passengers were very concerned. The pilots were incapacitated. So Mr. Striker took control and landed that plane safely. Golly!"]

[the stenographer wears sunglasses and sways back and forth as he types]

[in a montage of news reports]

News 14 Buffalo Anchorman:
Our top story tonight: Four alarm fire rages through Downtown Buffalo. Also in the news, Lunar Shuttle heads for the Sun, and certain disaster.

Tokyo 4 Anchorman:
Our top story tonight: Four alarm fire rages through Downtown Tokyo. Also in the news, American lunar mission locked in death struggle. [on the screen behind the anchorman is a clip of Godzilla clenching a Lunar Shuttle in between his teeth]

Moscow Anchorman:
[being held at gunpoint] A four-alarm fire in Downtown Moscow clears way for a glorious new tractor factory. And on the lighter side of the news: Hundreds of Capitalists are soon to perish in Shuttle disaster. [a gunshot is heard as next scene cuts in]

Steve McCroskey:
Listen good. That thing is bound to come apart on you at that speed, and that's no good! It's got to be in one piece when you land on the moon! You know damn well that that warp drive has never been tested! [stabs his cigarette into the left hand of the controller sitting next to him] You're putting yourself and everybody else on that ship in jeopardy!

[Cuts to Art Fleming hosting a Jeopardy! game on the shuttle with the passengers as the contestants]

Art Fleming:
All right, Contestant #38.

Contestant #38:
Art, I'll take Air Shuttle Disasters for $40.

Art Fleming:
The answer is... [The $40 display rotates to reveal the answer] the Mayflower!