Analyze This

Dr. Ben Sobel:
What is my goal here, to make you a happy, well-adjusted gangster?

Dr. Ben Sobel:
When I got into family therapy, this was not the "family" I had in mind.

Guard:
What kind of sandwich ain't too fattening?

Jelly:
A half a sandwich.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Call the Vatican. See if something is missing.

Boss Paul Vitti:
Hey, I got news for you, you little two-bit prick, son-of-a-b*tch, rat-bastard you did nothing for me! Whatever you did the other day didn't take! I'm still f***ed up! You did f***ing NOTHING for me!

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Hey, what do you expect? I saw you for five minutes! I can't work miracles, Mr. Viti! And let me tell you something, I do not appreciate it when someone sneaks into my hotel room and kidnaps me in the middle of the night. I have a life, Mr. Viti, I have a family, and I have a serious practice, and I don't have time for your BULLSHIT!... That got away from me at the end there.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
What happened with your wife last night?

Boss Paul Vitti:
I wasn't with my wife, I was with my girlfriend.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Are you having marriage problems?

Boss Paul Vitti:
No.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Then why do you have a girlfriend?

Boss Paul Vitti:
What, are you gonna start moralizing on me?

Dr. Ben Sobel:
No, I'm not, I'm just trying to understand, why do you have a girlfriend?

Boss Paul Vitti:
I do things with her I can't do with my wife.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Why can't you do them with your wife?

Boss Paul Vitti:
Hey, that's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Oedipus was a Greek king who killed his father and married his mother.

Boss Paul Vitti:
F***in' Greeks.

Dominic:
Times are changing. You've got to change with the times.

Boss Paul Vitti:
What, am I supposed to get a f***in' website?

Boss Paul Vitti:
You know me?

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Yes.

Boss Paul Vitti:
No you don't.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Okay.

Boss Paul Vitti:
You see my picture in the paper?

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Yes.

Boss Paul Vitti:
No you didn't.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
I don't even get the paper.

Boss Paul Vitti:
I wasn't really gonna whack you.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Paul...

Boss Paul Vitti:
Okay, I was gonna whack you. But I was real conflicted about it.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Let me get this straight: you flew all the way down to Miami and kidnapped me from my hotel room in the middle of the night just because you couldn't get an erection?

Boss Paul Vitti:
Don't that prove I'm motivated?

Dr. Ben Sobel:
You know, you can take a pill for that.

Boss Paul Vitti:
Nah, you start with the pills, the next thing you know you're putting in hydraulics. A hard-on should be achieved legitimately or it shouldn't be achieved at all.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Hmm, I think Mark Twain said that, didn't he?

Primo:
I'd like to see a movie, but it's nothing but this shoot-em-up action bullshit. I get enough of that at work.

Michael Sobel:
Was that really Paul Vitti?

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Well, I didn't ask to see his Mafia decoder ring, but yes.

Jimmy:
You think those whales piss in that water?

Jelly:
No, I think they use the men's room next to the Burger King.

Jelly:
Sorry, Doc. Nothing personal.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Don't kid yourself, Jelly, it doesn't get more personal.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
They threw me in the shark tank, Paul! The shark tank!

Boss Paul Vitti:
Hey, they were trying to make a point.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
What, that you're a scary guy? Believe me, I get it.

Michael Sobel:
Dad has a patient who thinks he shits trout.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Doc, if you gotta talk, try to be vague. Can you do that?

Dr. Ben Sobel:
I'm a psychiatrist. Believe me, I can be vague.

Boss Paul Vitti:
I can feel the juices rushing back to my balls as we speak.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Well, that's something I never thought I'd hear another man say to me.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Paul, you have to channel all this nice grief into a murderous rage.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
You don't hear the word "no" a lot, do you?

Boss Paul Vitti:
Well, I hear it all the time, only it's more like "no, please, no!"

Boss Paul Vitti:
I was Fredo? I don't think so.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
I am redefining weird on an hourly basis.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
You know normally a patient wouldn't have a vat of Scotch during a session.

Primo:
Get a dictionary. Find out what this "closure" thing is. If that's what he's going to hit us with, I want to be ready.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
You know what I do when I'm angry? I hit a pillow. Just hit the pillow, see how you feel.

Boss Paul Vitti:
There's your f***in' pillow.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Feel better?

Boss Paul Vitti:
Yeah, I do.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
My name is Ben Sobel... -lioni. Ben Sobellioni. I'm also known as, uh, Benny the Groin, Sammy the Schnazz, Elmer the Fudd, Tubby the Tuba, and once as Miss Phyllis Levine.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
You broke my heart, Jelly, you broke my heart.

Boss Paul Vitti:
I couldn't get it up last night.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
You mean sexually?

Boss Paul Vitti:
No, I mean for the big game against Michigan State. Of course sexually! What the f***'s the matter with you?

Boss Paul Vitti:
F*** Freud.

Jelly:
You should get more roughage in your diet, Doc. A bran muffin in the morning would help that...

Dr. Ben Sobel:
This is impossible. This is you: "Doc, I'm in pain, you gotta help me." "Okay, Paul, I'll help you." "F*** you! Nobody helps Paul Viti!"

Dr. Ben Sobel:
I have to say, not being able to perform three or four times...

Boss Paul Vitti:
Eight times.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
...eight times, is not catastrophic.

Boss Paul Vitti:
Well, maybe not to you, look at you. But if I can't get it up, that makes me less of a man, and I can't have that. In my world I deal with animals, Doctor. They may seem dumb to an educated guy like you, but make no mistake, Doctor, animals are very cunning, and they sense weakness.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
J-Jelly? Did I do that?

Jelly:
No, Doc. That one's mine. You got the '72 Chevy, and the Amana side-by-side refrigerator-freezer.

Boss Paul Vitti:
If I talk to you, and you turn me into a fag... I'm gonna kill you, you understand?

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Could we define the word "fag," because...?

Boss Paul Vitti:
I go fag, you die. Got it?

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Got it.

Boss Paul Vitti:
Hey, people get depressed, they jump. It's a human tragedy. It ain't my fault.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Oh, now you're gonna tell me it was a suicide?

Boss Paul Vitti:
I don't know, I think he left a note. Jelly, did they find that note?

Jelly:
(taking out a pen) Uh no, but they will in a minute.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Oh, and let me guess what it says? "Life is bullshit, I can't f***ing take it no more! Signed, the Dead Guy."

Jelly:
Hey, that's good, Doc.

[Vitti is trying to forgive Primo for attempting to whack him.]

Boss Paul Vitti:
And hopefully, hopefully... if you make one more move on me, you motherf***er, I'll f***in' cut your f***in' balls off and shove 'em up your f***in' ass. I'll f***in' bury you! I'll stick f***ing ice picks in your eyes. I'll chop your f***ing eyeballs and I'll send 'em to your family so they can eat them for dessert! Do you understand me?!

Primo:
Hey, Paul.

Boss Paul Vitti:
What?

Primo:
F*** you.

Boss Paul Vitti:
(throws down phone) You motherf***er!

Primo:
Everybody knows there's been this thing between me and Paul Vitti for a long time.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Which thing are you talking about? The first thing or the second thing?

Primo:
What second thing? I only know one thing.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Hey, how can we bring up the first thing if we're not gonna talk about the second thing. Did you talk to the guy?

Primo:
What guy?

Dr. Ben Sobel:
The guy with the thing!

Primo:
What thing? What the f*** are you talking about?

Dr. Ben Sobel:
How should I know? You brought it up.

[Vitti is trying to forgive Primo for attempting to whack him.]

Primo:
Yeah, who is this?

Boss Paul Vitti:
It's me.

Primo:
Me who?

Boss Paul Vitti:
Me. Me.

Primo:
Me? Me who?

Boss Paul Vitti:
Me. You know me. Me.

Primo:
Yeah, how's it goin'?

Boss Paul Vitti:
Not good. Not good. Whoever did that thing to you-know-who, that good friend of mine? They're trying to do that to me now, and I'm having a lot of feelings about that, and I'm trying to get some... some...

Dr. Ben Sobel:
Closure.

Boss Paul Vitti:
...closure on that.

Primo:
What kind of feelings?

Boss Paul Vitti:
I'm feeling very angry about that, I'm really- I'm enraged. I'm feeling very very mad about that.

Primo:
Yeah, so why are you telling me?

Boss Paul Vitti:
Why'm I telling you? Like you don't know nothin' about it? Eh?

[Dr. Sobel gestures hurriedly for Vitti to be calm and slow down]

Primo:
I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Boss Paul Vitti:
You don't know nothin'? What?

Primo:
I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Boss Paul Vitti:
Okay, whatever, I'm just trying to... tell you about my feelings, and that I'm angry, and that that anger is...

Dr. Ben Sobel:
A blocked wish.

Boss Paul Vitti:
A blocked wish, and I'm looking forward to seeing you, next week at that thing, and unblock that angered wish, and hopefully, hopefully... [losing his temper] if you make one more move on me, you motherf***er, I'll f***in' cut your f***in' balls off and shove 'em up your f***in' ass. I'll f***in' bury you! I'll stick f***ing ice picks in your eyes. I'll chop your f***ing eyeballs and I'll send 'em to your family so they can eat them for dessert! Do you understand me?!

Primo:
Hey, Paul.

Boss Paul Vitti:
What?

Primo:
F*** you. [hangs up]

Boss Paul Vitti:
(throws down phone) You motherf***er!

[In his office, Primo looks at one of his men]

Primo:
You get a dictionary and find out what this "closure" is. If that's what he's gonna hit us with, then I wanna know what it is.

Dr. Ben Sobel:
[talks to patient] Well, the first thing I think you should do... is to stop whining about this pathetic loser! You are a tragedy queen [mocks whining voice] "Steve doesn't like me. Steve doesn't respect me." I mean, who gives a sh*t? GET A F***ING LIFE!!!!!!!!!