Andy Richter Controls the Universe

Andy:
I see why you joined this place.

Byron:
It's not what you think. Yeah, I'm really into her. But, I can't even have sex with her.

Andy:
How come?

Byron:
I can't have sex 3 months before my initiation rites.

Andy:
Well, can't you get credit for the other 29 sexless years of your life?

Byron:
[sarcastically] Ha, ha, ha.

[seriously]

Byron:
No. I asked.

Wendy:
I've been doing a lot of thinking...

Keith:
She has!

Wendy:
And, Andy, you were kinda right. I didn't succeed with my dream of being a singer. So, I'm going to go to my second dream, which is having a family. That's why, today, I asked Keith to think about where this relationship is really going.

Keith:
Hear that? I have some thinking to do!

Wendy:
All right, I have to go! [leaves]

Andy:
[narrating] Here's what Keith did. [Keith stands up and starts strangling Andy] All right, that's not what really happened.

Keith:
Fix it.

Andy:
What?

Keith:
Wendy. She was fine, and you broke her. Fix it.

Andy:
Wendy isn't some toy that broke down! She's a human being that...

Keith:
All you had to do was stand there, and say "Yeah, that's horrible" or "I understand". But, no. You had to get her started on all of this change of life crap. And, now, I actually have to think! Fix it!

Andy:
Yeah, I know, it's horrible.

Keith:
It doesn't work on me! I'm a guy! Now, fix it.

Andy:
Yeah, I know it must be tough.

Keith:
Andy, just fix it.

Andy:
Yeah, I understand.

Keith:
Andy... Shut up and fix it!

Andy:
Damn...

[Freddy is taking Andy and his friends to Rio de Janeiro]

Keith:
I just talked to the pilot. We're not flying to Rio. We're flying to Mississippi.

Wendy:
Mississippi, Brazil?

Freddy Pickering:
There must have been a misunderstanding. I'll go talk to him. [He walks to the emergency exit].

Jessica:
Uh, the cockpit's that way.

Freddy Pickering:
[as he opens the door] I'm going to sneak up on him!

Andy:
I do everything slowly: learning... working... [long pause]... fleshing out analogies.

Andy's Brain:
[Trying to impress a girl] What would someone cool and suave say?

Andy:
Ants are fascinating [long pause] sometimes.

Andy's Brain:
Saved it!

Andy Richter:
[narrating] It was a day like any other day and Byron and I were hard at work writing a manual for the Im-Pickering industries Jet Pack. When suddenly:

Keith Richards:
Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie tonight?

Andy Richter:
[still narrating] Then, without warning, Byron shocked us with a startling revelation:

Byron Togler:
No, I can't.

Andy Richter:
[resumes narrating] Next, he rocked our world with something so unbelievable, no sane person could have predicted it:

Byron Togler:
There's a 'Taxi' Marathon on TV tonight that I really wanna watch.

Keith Richards:
That's an interesting story. You know, I was briefly married to Daryl Hannah. [Andy and Byron are speechless] Anyway, think about the movie. [leaves]

Andy Richter:
Let's never talk to him about anything ever again.

Wendy McKay:
Come on, Jake-me-to-the-river, I think there are some popsicles left in the freezer. [Wendy and Jake leave]

Andy Richter:
No there aren't. It's just that same empty box that somebody is too lazy to throw out.

Byron Togler:
I did not eat the last one!

Andy Richter:
And yet you know that someone did!

Andy Richter:
You know what that kid could use? A huge distinguishing scar. That would have really helped out yesterday. [Jessica scowls at him] Maybe one of those metal claw hands...

Keith Richards:
So you bagged Marilu Henner?

Andy Richter:
Yes. And it was hot and steamy and everything that fan on celebrity sex should be.

Andy Richter:
[narrating] Except for the part where she made me bark like a dog. And not a big strong dog, either, a yapping little rat dog.

Andy Richter:
I gotta get Jake a jet pack.

Keith Richards:
It's in the basement.

Andy Richter:
Really, the basement? They have them in this building?

Keith Richards:
They got a lot of things in this building you don't know about. Things you don't want to know about.

Andy Richter:
I know there's a gym, look, will you get off me about that, I signed up!

Keith Richards:
But you never go.

Andy Richter:
I'm busy!

Byron Togler:
You're not that busy.

Andy Richter:
Guys, we're talking about a jet pack.

Keith Richards:
Don't worry, I know the guy who runs the storage room, he'll get you one.

Andy Richter:
Really? Well, that's great! How come you always know a guy?

Keith Richards:
'Cause I go to the gym.

Jessica Green:
He's a twelve year old kid! If my sister finds out he saw a sex tape, she will beat me to death with one of her precious Bibles.

Andy Richter:
Well I say we knock him around until he gives it back.

Jessica Green:
So your plan is lose him, show him pornography, then beat him up.

Andy Richter:
That's the Chicago way!

Keith Richards:
[impressed by the sight of the test pilot approaching] If John Wayne and the Statue of Liberty had a son, he'd be it.

Mr. Pickering:
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. But hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish. And his wife!

Andy Richter:
Do you think Dracula could have kids?

Jessica Green:
[not very interested] No.

Andy Richter:
Well, what about Son of Dracula or Dracula's Daughter?

Jessica Green:
Okay then, yes.

Andy Richter:
Can the Mummy swim?

Jessica Green:
No.

Andy Richter:
Well, he was in that swamp in that one movie.

Jessica Green:
Okay, you made your point, you'd make an excellent monster lawyer.

Andy Richter:
[thinking] I wonder if Frankenstein uses the toilet or just goes in his pants?

Andy Richter:
[during a flashback, a tearful Andy has been spying on his sexy neighbors] Will I ever know love?

Jessica Green:
Okay, here's my prisoners poem. I don't think it's very good, but maybe I'm too close to it. [reading] One, two, three, four, lets rob a convenience store. Five, six, seven, eight. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen. It goes on like that for a while.

Wendy McKay:
Good thing he has jail to fall back on.

Jessica Green:
Use your pen to express your feelings. And if you win, I'll buy you that subscription to 'Fat Ass Nurse'.

Wendy McKay:
Oh my God, he's choking!

Keith Richards:
After I specifically told him not to.

Andy Richter:
Are we bad people?

Jessica Green:
Didn't you hear the man? we're not allowed in prison!

Jessica:
I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

Freddy Pickering:
Well, at least she died doing what she loved... committing suicide.

Freddy Pickering:
Have you ever eaten a six-pound lobster off the chest of a seven-pound lobster?

Freddy Pickering:
Cotton candy?

Jessica:
Uh, no thanks.

Freddy Pickering:
I wasn't offering it to you. I was introducing you to it.

Andy Richter:
The greatest thing about my job is that sometimes I'm not doing it.

Andy Richter:
There. Another project finished. [puts a paper crown on his head]

Freddy Pickering:
Don't you look snazzy?

Andy Richter:
Oh, I was just, ehm...

Freddy Pickering:
Decorating your big head? I don't blame ya. It's a magnificent gorde.

Freddy Pickering:
Have research make a dog that speaks Italian. They can either make the dog smarter, or Italian easier.

Freddy Pickering:
Your friends are garbage.

Andy Richter:
What?

Freddy Pickering:
They're garbage, pure garbage.

Andy Richter:
Well, if they're garbage, then I'm a fly who chooses to surround myself with filth. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to gorge myself on feces.

Jessica:
I'm so sorry to hear about your mother.

Freddy Pickering:
At least she died doing what she loved most... committing suicide.

Freddy Pickering:
Cotton candy?

Andy:
No thank you.

Freddy Pickering:
I wasn't offering, I was introducing.

Andy Richter:
[describing his working relationship with Byron in his thoughts] I'm like a manual writing gladiator and he's my adorable artist sidekick. I think I'll call him 'Popo'.

Jessica Green:
These things are all ready to ship but unfortunately the manual is incomprehensible.

Byron Togler:
I see. So our job is to de-incomprehensibalize it.

Jessica Green:
Maybe I went to the wrong guys.

Andy Richter:
Don't worry Jessica, he knows not words good, but he draws pictures pretty.

Keith Richards:
[tasting a delicious piece of chicken] I feel like I just lost my chickenginity.

Jessica Green:
[Andy has just given a presentation] Well, I think the guys have created something really good.

Ms. Machado:
I don't like it.

Jessica Green:
I meant, really good, as a starting off point.

Ms. Machado:
I don't like any of it.

Jessica Green:
I meant a starting off point that clearly shows us the wrong direction.

Andy Richter:
I wrote the award winning manual for the super toilet. I think I know what I'm doing.

Jessica Green:
It was Byron's drawing, so Byron's in charge.

Andy Richter:
What! I have been for four years. He's been here two months, and one of those was February.

Andy Richter:
[narrating] Look at him, the big artist. The Duh Dog was my idea! All Byron did was develop it, present it and shut me down when I tried to kill it. Now he's taking all the credit. I'm taking him out. Doggy style! - No, not like that!

Byron Togler:
Heat and booze are a bad combination. That's why you never see large, furry animals getting drunk.

Jessica:
I heard you read Wendy's thing.

Andy:
Oh, yeah. I didn't know what to tell her - I mean, it's like she wrote it in Microsoft Turd.

Byron Togler:
Jessica, oh, I cannot stop thinking about my party. I feel terrible that I made that stripper cry.

Jessica Green:
Teena. Her name is Teena.

Byron Togler:
Oh God, she has a name?

Jessica Green:
What, do you think a woman can only be smart or sexy? Then which one am I, huh?

Byron Togler:
Is scary one of the categories?

Andy Richter:
[reading Wendy's short story] This is awful. It's like reading a 600 year old Penthouse!

Andy Richter:
[Keith is coming to grips with his own mortality] But you had to know that you were probably going to die.

Keith Richards:
I guess I knew it in theory. But I've been pretty lucky so far. I never have to comb my hair, I get paid for doing next to nothing, I smell like this naturally.

Andy Richter:
[narrating] I had to do something. Since I am a writer I decided to use my special weapon. Language: the thing that means stuff!

Byron Togler:
Are your breast real?

Teena:
[philosophy student/stripper] Can we be sure that anything is real?

Wendy McKay:
[as medieval damsel] Agator, if thou love me, why don't thou want to move in with me?

Keith Richards:
[as medieval knight] Look, thou art great. I love thee. It hath nothing to doth with that.

Jessica Green:
Byron, you're a pimp.

Byron Togler:
What? No-o, no, I'm just helping these fine ladies with their finances, their clothes, artistic issues...

Jessica Green:
I didn't say you weren't a good pimp.

Andy:
[thinking] Once again, here's Mr. Pickering, the long-dead founder of this company.

Mr. Pickering:
Ahh, wishing to go to France, aren't we? I know why you really want to go to France. It's because of their loose sexual laws. But, observing your physical qualities, I must say that it will only mean that you can do more things to yourself.

Andy:
[narrating] It's raining. That's all you need to know so far.

Byron Togler:
This is the wettest I've ever been.

Andy:
You know, I've always wanted to hear someone say that. But not you.

Keith Richards:
Hi, fellows.

Andy:
How come you're not wet?

Keith Richards:
I don't believe in getting wet.

Byron Togler:
How come you're so tanned?

Keith Richards:
I believe in getting tanned.

Andy:
[narrating] That's the last straw. Nobody mocks the way I mock the French. I'm not gonna lay down and let Byron steal my trip from me. One thing about us Richters: we don't lie down and let people steal trips from us. It's really like the only thing we're proud of.

Andy:
Jessica, I can take Bootsy to the groomers tomorrow, I can do it during my lunchbreak.

Byron Togler:
Oh that's perfect, because I was gonna take Jessica to lunch tomorrow.

Andy:
Well that works out great because I was gonna buy Jessica some pants to wear to lunch tomorrow!

Wendy McKay:
See ya at lunch, monkey.

Keith Richards:
[Keith is having trouble coming up with a nickname for Wendy] I can't wait... dummy.

Wendy McKay:
What? Did you just call me dummy?

Keith Richards:
Well, I didn't mean dumb like in, eh,stupid, I meant it like a cute little ventriloquists, eh, dummy.

Wendy McKay:
Why would you call me a ventriloquist dummy?

Keith Richards:
Alright, the truth is, I was feeling dumb because I couldn't think of anything and that's what was on my mind.

Wendy McKay:
Yeah, well, keep working on it, Slick. [walks off]

Keith Richards:
Slick? She's so good at this!

Andy:
[narrating] Here I was, facing a problem as old as civilization itself. How to catch a drunk cat in the ceiling so I can go to France.

Andy:
Stop trying to steal my trip from me!

Byron Togler:
I'm not trying to steal your trip from you.

Andy:
Oh yeah! Well, then what was all that "soouu soouu soouu" and "fouu fouu fouu" and "bliblly bibbly" stuff?

Byron Togler:
[sarcastic] Oh, Andy! That's good! When you give your presentation in France, you should open with that, because if there's anything the French LOVE, it's when you mock their language!

Jessica Green:
We are sick of your cost cutting, we want our cream back - and our forks, knives and spoons! No more sporks, spknives and knivoons - it's like a Dr. Seuss kitchen down there!

Wendy McKay:
I can't believe it. I've got powdered turd in my hair for no good reason.

Jessica Green:
Your hair? I have so much dung down my pants I could grow daisies out of my ass!

Jessica Green:
Okay, granted, we did engage in bad shenanigans, but it's not like were... Stalin or somebody!

Andy Richter:
Tim Stalin in accounting?

Jessica Green:
Yeah, Tim Stalin in accounting. That was the worst Stalin I could think of.

Andy Richter:
[narrating] I can't believe they're making us clean up after ourselves. This company is becoming more and more like my mom.

Wendy McKay:
It's Eric Estrada!

Andy Richter:
It's Ponch from CHiPs! You're, you're like my favorite Latino guy!

Erik Estrada:
Here you go, son, I couldn't 'bear' to see you sick.

Andy Richter:
Oh! cool! Ponch got me a bear!

Erik Estrada:
Now you're gonna get throught this, Slugger. Hey: [pretending to speak into a motorcycle receiver] Seven, Mary, Four, I'm gonna pull over this cancer and give it a sitation! [laughs]

Andy Richter:
That's great!

Jessica Green:
Excuse me, Mr. Estrada, I'm sorry, but this is not the gentleman you're here to see. Andy, give back the bear.

Wendy McKay:
Whatever that smell is, I hope they get it outta here. Unless it is you or me and then I hope they give it a raise. [laughs]

Jessica Green:
We figured out where that odor was coming from. Apparently Charlie Rhymer died in his office friday night.

Wendy McKay:
Oh my God! How did he die?

Andy Richter:
[Andy enters, thinking the odor came from a meat sandwich he left over the weekend] Guys, it's all my fault. I'll get some disinfective and clean it up.

Wendy McKay:
'It'? How can you say that?

Andy Richter:
Well, it's just a pile of meat that sat in a hot office all weekend! Jeez. [leaves]

Mr. Pickering:
[Andy has been happily singing in his mind when the imaginary dead founder of Pickering Industries interrupts] I must be at a sing-along. Because I'm following the bouncing ball.

Jessica Green:
It sounds like she gave you a very innocent thanks-for-a-lovely-evening kiss. Not a slappedy-slappedy-boogadie-boogadie-boom kiss.

Jessica Green:
The company is making us go to a grief counselor.

Andy Richter:
A grief counselor? What if we're not sad?

Jessica Green:
It's mandatory.

Byron Togler:
They can dictate our emotions now?

Andy Richter:
[narrating] Let's just imagine for a moment what that would look like.

P.A. Voice Over:
Attention. The following emotions will be felt by the following people: Jenkins: bitter. Thompson: hopeful. Richter: happy. Togler: disgruntled.

Byron Togler:
Damn! I always get disgruntled! I'm sick of it.

Jessica Green:
I didn't kill Charlie!

Byron Togler:
[condescendingly] No. Of course you didn't.

Jessica Green:
I. DIDN'T.

Byron Togler:
You yelled at him!

Jessica Green:
When they perform an autopsy they're not going to find my yelling in his veins, they're going to find your bacon-chili-cheese-fries of death!

Keith:
[Trying to explain why he's so busy now that his co-worker has died] It's Charlie, that lazy dead guy. I mean, aside from babies, is there anyone more selfish than the dead?

Byron Togler:
[Byron feels it's his fault that the company grief counselor committed suicide, leaving a note saying she "just couldn't take all the sadness"] I killed the grief counselor. And I killed her with my pain. Do you know what it's like to kill someone with your pain? [pause] It hurts!

[Byron just joined a cult]

Andy:
Your religion is the goofy fruit of the Ha Ha bush.

Andy Richter:
[narrating] Byron and I were working on our latest project. it was a manual for the new Pickering non-valve-based high-pressure management system. Basically it's a hose, but don't tell the Navy.

Keith Richards:
[Keith enters the office] Guys, there's a problem with our new manual. The Navy found our high-pressure management system at a garden supply store in hundred foot rolls.

Byron Togler:
That's Tracy, the minister's daughter. She's super nice.

Andy Richter:
Now I see why you've joined this religion. It's the same reason I campaigned for Dukakis.

Byron Togler:
Andy, you are cynical. I believe in Zumanism. Tracy is just coming over to help me study for my Zuminian. That's, that's the rite of passage where i will officially become a man.

Keith Richards:
Maybe you can become a man with Tracy. Or at least become a very sweaty boy.

Byron Togler:
I am so into her. But, unfortunately, it is against my religion to have sex for 3 months before my Zuminian.

Andy Richter:
Well, can't you get credit for the other 29 sexless years of your life?

Byron Togler:
[sarcastically] Ha, ha, ha.

[seriously]

Byron Togler:
No. I asked.

Jessica Green:
Have you ever gone out with somebody you weren't attracted to?

Keith Richards:
[playing a racing game of his computer at work] Oh, pumpkin, I'm sorry. You're beautiful. Anyone who doesn't see that is an idiot.

Jessica Green:
Keith, I'm not the unattractive one in this scenario.

Keith Richards:
That's the spirit.

Byron Togler:
[thoroughly depressed] Do they sell meaning in a burger shop?

Keith Richards:
No, but sometimes there's a maze on the placemat.

Jessica Green:
I can't go out with Nick anymore. I tried, I really tried, I closed my eyes, I listened to him sing, I even tried to imagine that he was a Furby. Because I love Furbys! But he's not a Furby.

Wendy McKay:
No, he's not. Although, once, due to a huge misunderstanding, he was forced to spend the night in the San Diego Zoo.

Andy Richter:
So hey, I called Leslie Clevenger. [Wendy, Keith and Jessica stare at him with blank expressions]

Andy Richter:
The girl I went to High school with? [still no sign of recognition]

Andy Richter:
We only talked about it for like a half an hour yesterday!

Jessica Green:
Oh yeah, I, I meant to erect a monument to that conversation but I couldn't find a grate of marble boring enough.

Wendy McKay:
Where's your lipstick?

Jessica Green:
In my purse.

Wendy McKay:
Where's your purse?

Jessica Green:
I don't know. All around my lipstick.

Wendy McKay:
Jessica has dragged me out four nights in a row. She just won't stop! She's like the Terminator, except she's not from the future and she likes to dance.

Andy Richter:
Leslie, the human spirit was meant to soar on wings of love, not crawl through the muck of intolerance. All people are beautiful, a glorious rainbow of colors and ideas. A living stain glass window of diversity. And because you don't see that, we can never be together.

Jessica:
Oh yeah. I meant to erect a monument to that conversation, but I couldn't find a grade of marble boring enough.

Jessica:
Oh Yeah. I meant to erect a monument to that coversation, but I couldn't find a grade of marble boring enough.

Andy:
O.K. You're right. I'm a bigot. I assume things about the good-looking they don't deserve - like they get whatever they want, or that their females don't want to talk to me.

Andy Richter:
[narrating] Alright, lets do some housekeeping. I live in Chicago, I work for the fifth largest company in America, Pickering Industries. We make everything from nightlights to nuclear missiles. [steps out of the elevator] Oh look, here's the dead guy who founded it over a hundred years ago.

Andy Richter:
Hello, Mr. Pickering.

Mr. Pickering:
The problem with America, is the negro and the jew.

Andy Richter:
You're just a huge racist bastard, aren't ya?

Mr. Pickering:
What kind of man calls himself a writer anyway? I'll tell you what kind: the homosexual!

Andy Richter:
[Andy recounts his one and only date with Jessica] Maybe we should try sleeping together...

Jessica Green:
I don't know, I think this might be one of those situations that having bad sex won't help. I guess we've been friends for too long.

Andy Richter:
We might have crossed the line that time I held your hair when you were vomiting.

Jessica Green:
Oh yeah, that was nice.

Mr. Pickering:
In my day if you wanted to sabotage a man, you'd lickor him up, stuff him in a duffelbag and mail him to the Kaizer.

Andy Richter:
I'll try may way first.

Mr. Pickering:
Of course you will. Sodomite!

Arnich:
You changed the schematics.

Andy Richter:
Yes.

Arnich:
Intentionally.

Andy Richter:
If it helps me keep my job, then no. Eh, I was walking by them with a pencil wearing my new bananapeel shoes...

[Everybody's listening to a psychiatrist's session, through an air vent in Jessica's bathroom]

Girl in Office:
You must think I'm really cold-blooded.

Psychiatrist:
No, actually, you're nothing compared to this woman who lives down the hall. I think her name is Jessica. No compassion for nothing, whatsoever.

Jessica:
[closes air vent] What the hell does he mean? Cold blooded? Where the hell would he get that idea?

Byron:
Well, you did forget that guy's name at work. I think it was Todd.

Jessica:
Anyone could've made that mistake! And what the hell are you doing eavesdropping on my conversations, anyway? Now, shut up!

[opens air vent, and continues listening to conversation]

Mr. Pickering:
Ahh, taking advantage of the mentally challenged, aren't we? Don't worry, I did it too. One girl slept with me for six years, because she thought I was the Pope.

Jessica Green:
[listening to Jessica's neighbor the therapist through an airvent] Man! This woman has issues with men!

Wendy McKay:
I have issues with men. This chick's the bald eagle of nutballs.

Jessica Green:
Do you guys think I'm cold?

Keith Richards:
Of course not. You just have one of those faces.

Andy Richter:
[breaking up with a woman] I can't go out with you any more because I'm gay. [she looks at him skeptically] And your brother. And a ghost. [starts making ghostly noises]

Jessica Green:
[Jessica is being accused of sexual harassment by Todd] That's wasn't harrasment, that was just a friendly little slap on the ass.

Wendy McKay:
Jessica, 'harrassment has the word 'ass' right in the middle of it. It's like the guys who make it up were trying to give you a big clue.

Todd:
Hi! Ready to hit the club scene? Hey, isn't it weird to say 'hit the club' when you use a club to hit?

[Teak and Phil are fighting over Jessica]

Jessica:
[answering the phone] This is Jessica.

Phil:
[impersonating Teak] Jessica, this is Teak. I just called to tell you I'm a total jerk and you should definitely go out with Phil, because he's your kind of man. And strong.

Teak:
[Teak comes in on a third line] Phil, you bastard. Jessica, it's me, Teak.

[impersonating Phil]

Teak:
No wait, it's Phil. And you're fat.

[normal]

Teak:
Did you hear that? Phil just called you fat.

Jessica:
[impersonating Phil] Wait, I'm Phil.

Teak:
What?

Phil:
Huh?

Jessica:
[impersonating Teak] Hello, this is Teak!

Phil:
What?

Teak:
Who is this?

Jessica:
[impersonating Phil] Phil. I think someone else is on the line.

Phil:
What?

Jessica:
[impersonating Teak] What?

Teak:
Are you Teak or Phil?

Jessica:
[scary voice] I'm in the house!

[impersonating Phil]

Jessica:
Dude, run! Hang up! Run!

[both Teak and Phil hang up and run away frightened]

Andy Richter:
Hey you guys, you like dancing and hanging round with rockstars, right?

Keith Richards:
Sure.

Wendy McKay:
Yeah.

Byron Togler:
Wow.

Andy Richter:
Excelent. What are you doing tomorrow night between eight and eleven?

Keith Richards:
Nothing.

Wendy McKay, Byron Togler:
I'm free.

Andy Richter:
You wanna help me move my grandma into her new assistant living facility? Afterwards we can go dancing and look for Rockstars. If there's time. There probably won't be.

Wendy McKay:
You know all those old bottles we got from Andy's grandmother?

Keith Richards:
Who could forget old bottles?

Wendy McKay:
Well, last night I had a horrible headache, and I decided to drink from one of 'em.

Keith Richards:
Good thinking, honey.

Andy Richter:
[narrating] Maybe I could learn to see Byron and my grandma's relationship the way they do, as something beautiful and giving. Rather than an unholy mix of old flesh and Byron.

Andy Richter:
Okay Byron, my grandma has a right to be happy, so I give you my blessing. Just... don't get her pregnant, I don't need another mom.

Teak:
We're through with you.

Jessica:
That's terrible. [pause] Oh, I'm over it.

Phil:
You came between us like a wedge, you wedge-woman!

Jessica:
Whatever. Just give me your parking thingie and we'll get you outta here.

Teak:
You used your powers of sexual hotness to ruin our friendship.

Phil:
Yeah, like a succubus or a type five demon!

Jessica:
This whole thing has been in your heads. You love me, you hate me, who cares? Why don't you go find something to pierce, or tattoo, or inhale from a bag? But leave me the hell alone. [Jessica leaves]

Teak:
That was so hot.

Phil:
I want her so bad again.

Ditzy Girl:
[gesturing to piece of paper] Is this a one or an 'L' ?

Keith:
I'm guessing its an 'L' considering its in the middle of the word 'parallel'.

Andy:
We were both interested in what things could do if they were other things.

[Andy is having woman troubles]

Andy's Brain:
You wouldn't have this problem if you killed yourself after the prom like I told you to.

Mr. Pickering:
Ahh, sleeping with the help, aren't we? As I say, "What the hell, they're bending over anyway".

Jessica Green:
Do not ask her out.

Andy Richter:
Why not?

Jessica Green:
Because you're gonna go out a few times, then you'll break up. She'll feel hurt, you'll feel guilty and I'll feel dirty because no one will be cleaning my apartment.

Andy Richter:
But I'm in love!

Andy Richter:
No you're not.

Andy Richter:
Why do you always disagree with me? If I said I'm not in love would you say 'yes, you are'?

Jessica Green:
I don't know, let's try it.

Andy Richter:
I'm not in love.

Jessica Green:
I know. So leave her alone.

Andy Richter:
I can't believe you fired Irina.

Jessica Green:
She was having sex on my couch!

Andy Richter:
We didn't plan to have sex on your couch, it just happened.

Byron Togler:
Was it a leather couch? Because those things are basically asking for it.

Mr. Pickering:
Good for you, my boy! Having your way with the help. They're bending over anyway, huh? [chuckles wickedly]

Andy Richter:
How did you stay out of prison when you were alive?

Keith Richards:
Wendy's upset that I have no insecurities. I'm worried about it. Not a lot, because I'm not insecure. You see what I'm up against?

Irina:
You know, if a blue wale mated with a beaver, their babies would be the largest insects on the Earth.

Jessica Green:
This reminds me of that old saying: you idiot.

Andy Richter:
I should've listened to you. What is my problem anyway?

Jessica Green:
You just jump in a little too quickly sometimes.

Andy Richter:
Yeah, why is that? I mean I do everything slowly: learning... working... returning videos... [long pause]... fleshing out analogies.

Wendy McKay:
Come on, Keith. Isn't there anything you're not confident about?

Keith Richards:
My poetry's derivative?

Wendy McKay:
No, it's not. Everyone agrees it's a bold new voice.

Byron Togler:
Your kind has probably just startled them into inactivity. They'll be back. And when it gets out of hand, threaten them with drowning. That's the death they fear the most.

Andy:
The talking kangaroo was right.

Teak:
You're a legend at that frat.

Phil:
We've seen all the pictures.

Teak:
The time you wrestled the bear.

Phil:
Naked.

Teak:
The time you climbed outside the library.

Phil:
Naked.

Teak:
The time you changed the oil on your car.

Phil:
Totaly nude.

Andy Richter:
[narrating] Alright, I was very comfortable with my body in college.

Andy Richter:
[narrating] Look how fast I can walk. I could be in the Olympics. All I'd have to do is find an event where you say something stupid to women and then try to get away.

Andy Richter:
Morning. Where's Andy?

Byron Togler:
He stepped out for a minute. You know, I've been talking to him and he is really a good guy. He's always laughing and making jokes.

Andy Richter:
Yes, he's a wonderful man. And if he were filled with helium and floated around the ceiling, we could keep him.

Teak:
[Teak opens the door] Andy's here!

Phil:
[off screen] The real Andy, or the sculpture we had made?

Jessica Green:
Hey, did you guys know Andy didn't come into work today?

Keith Richards:
No, he's here. We were just talked about how his shoes were hurting his feet.

Jessica Green:
No, apparently that was yesterday.

Keith Richards:
Are you sure?

Andy Richter:
She sounds awful! We should sneak into her room while she's sleeping and put her appendix back in. Or a shoe.

Byron Togler:
I respect that. At least once a day I feel like crying and running out of the room, but she actually did it. Bravo indeed.

Wendy McKay:
Keith, if you don't want to talk about our relationship, that's kind of an answer in itself.

Andy Richter:
[narrating] This country was founded by crazy dreames who weren't afraid to chase their hopes across the great, wide American prairieI want to be such a man!

Wendy McKay:
So. Milo, huh?

Jessica Green:
I may be joining the Milo-high club, yes.

Jessica Green:
I can't imagine just turning off a whole part of who I am, just like that. [snaps fingers]

Wendy McKay:
I guess, although I did see you just turn off a giant chunk of your I.Q. when you were talking to Milo.

Andy Richter:
[narrating] I can't grow a beard, and rum makes me giggle, but if I want to write, then writing's what I'll do, for I'm a pirate. A pirate on wheels!

Wendy McKay:
Keith, guess what? The theater called and Reggie Meadows is out tonight. I am going on in her place!

Keith Richards:
But the boy Andy kissed had alergies.

Wendy McKay:
What?

Keith Richards:
It's slang. It means 'that's wonderful, honey'.

Wendy McKay:
Yeah, Reggie just slipped on some wet mints and twisted her ankle.

Keith Richards:
Again, 'the boy Andy kissed had alergies'.

Wendy McKay:
I know, isn't it?

Andy:
Look, I've got something to tell you. Ben has a twin, and they've been sharing you.

Jessica:
Yeah, I know.

Andy:
Yeah, but you don't understand. Ben is not always Ben, but sometimes his twin brother.

Jessica:
Uh-huh.

Andy:
Ok, sometimes two babies come out of a lady...

Jessica:
Yeah, I know all about that. First, I had my doubts, but then I decided to bite Ben on the thigh. The next day, the mark wasn't there.

Andy:
[thinking] So much simpler than my plan.

Jessica:
So, anyway, I realized that Ben is an incredibly interesting and intelligent guy, but lame in the sack. But, his brother, who's a complete moron, is amazing in bed. So, if I have an incredibly amazing conversation with one of them, I fake a headache and go home. And, if I'm with a guy who can hardly put a sentence together, I give him a PowerBar and take him back to my place. As long as they don't know I know, I'm completely satisfied!

[pause]

Andy:
You're not like other girls, are ya?

Andy:
[thinking] My plan was to tell Ben my grandmother's age, and make sure he remembered it. Then, I was going to bring it up the next time I see him. If he didn't remember her age, that means that he actually is sharing her with his twin.

[cut to a scene of Andy meeting Ben]

Andy:
Hey, Ben! Or as my 84 year old grandmother would say, "Hey Ben, I'm 84." 84! That's so funny, me and Ben were just talking about how old my 84 year old grandmother is. She can barely walk, cuz she's 84.

[Ben leaves confused. Cut to a scene of Andy in a bar]

Andy:
There he is he just walked in. Hey, Ben! Remember that day when we talked about my 84 year-old grand... Aww, crap.

[thinking]

Andy:
There goes my dream of being a spy.

Andy:
And, now, it's time to bring my plan to its wickedly delicious conclusion!... Ok, now I just sound gay.

Andy:
I found the perfect guy for you.

Jessica:
What's so great about him?

Andy:
You didn't choose him.

Jessica:
That's definitely good.

Andy:
[thinking] This is Mr. Pickering, the man who started this company, in the 19th century.

Mr. Pickering:
Well, it seems you've gotten yourself into another predicament.

Andy:
You know, there are pills I could take that would make me stop talking to you.

Jessica:
You know, maybe I don't need to be in a relationship. Lots of things don't have relationships. Trees, shrimp, ketchup, wallpaper.

Byron Togler:
So the burn on my back started to fester, but getting a private nurse was way to expensive. So, I hired a prostitute to change the dressing every three hours. She did it once and left. Yeah, she said it was the ninth most disgusting thing she had ever been asked to do. And how was your weekend?

Andy:
Morning. What's that smell?

Byron Togler:
Does it smell like a crab died in yoghurt? Because then it might be my back

Andy:
[Jessica comes up to Andy and kisses him on the cheek] Ow!

Jessica:
What do you say ow for, I kissed you!

Andy:
Hard!

Keith Richards:
You okay, man?

Andy:
Wait, Ben has a twin? Are they identical?

Byron Togler:
To each other? Absolutely. To other sets of twins? I doubt it.

Wendy McKay:
Byron hired a prostitute to clean his wound.

Keith Richards:
Clean his wound? That is the worst euphemism for sex I have ever heard.

Andy:
Listen, have Jessica and that so called Ben showed up yet?

Keith Richards:
I don't know. Let me check the bottom of this glass. [empties his glass in one gulp] Nope, not there.

Mr. Pickering:
I love the fair sex. But science tells us it degrades their femininity if they're allowed to read or own money or leave the house or call for help...

Andy:
You know, there are pills I could take that would make you stop talking to me.

Andy:
Hey, I didn't see any coffee.

Jessica:
[throws the hot coffee in his face] See it now?

[Andy screams in pain]

Jessica:
It's working, you're suddenly more sensitive!

Jessica:
Since this place is already packed with white guys, I think they're going to hire... what's the politically correct term?

Andy:
Another white guy?

Andy:
Life was great... until it immediately turned to crap.

Andy:
Okay, smart guy. Jackie says she wants to celebrate our differences.

Byron:
That sounds good.

Andy:
But you said that we're not supposed to see our differences.

Byron:
We really shouldn't.

Andy:
How are we supposed to celebrate them if we can't see them?

Byron:
Well, I guess you're just going to have to ignore as well as celebrate what makes Jackie exactly the same and completely different from everyone else.

Byron:
All I know is, I hate racists. I hate everything about them, their music, their food, their so-called religion, the way their men are so skinny, and their wives are all so fat, but mostly, I hate the way they judge people based on tired stereotypes.

Jessica Green:
All of these resumes are impressive.

Andy Richter:
You know, eh, Ted has five years experience and he's been black his whole live, which has not been easy in such a racist society.

Wendy McKay:
My candidate's a woman from Saudi Arabia. She watched as her mother was stoned to death for driving a car. A bumper car.

Byron Togler:
You know, I know that we're trying to do a good thing, but I think that it's terrible putting people in racial catagories like this.

Andy Richter:
Let me guess, your guy is white?

Byron Togler:
No. My blind guy is white.

Keith Richards:
I found a one armed, gay, native American little person.

Wendy McKay:
Are you kidding me?

Keith Richards:
Unfortunately he wasn't a technical writer. He just wanted to meet another one armed, gay, native American little person. Anybody knows anybody?

Andy Richter:
Ted! What are you doing here?

Ted Swathmore:
I got the job Andy, on your recommendation. Thanks a lot, pal!

Andy Richter:
Really, that's fantastic! Well, what happened to Wendy's woman?

Jessica Green:
Apparently she went back to Saudi Arabia and was stoned to death for having luggage with wheels.

Byron Togler:
Okay, that country has way too many rocks lying around.

Keith Richards:
Hey, honey.

Wendy McKay:
[unusually deep voice] Good morning, Keith.

Keith Richards:
Are you okay?

Wendy McKay:
Oh, I'm fine. I'm participating in a drug study for Pickering's pharmaceutical division. They're paying me three grand to use this antihistamine for six weeks which apparently turns people into Demi Moore.

Keith Richards:
You're testing drugs? Well I gotta tell you sweety, I don't think that's such a good idea. I mean is it safe? Are there any other side effects?

Wendy McKay:
My breasts are larger and I have an increased libido.

Keith Richards:
Well, if you really need the money...

Lori:
Eh, Andy, I, I have an extra ticket to see Riverdance this weekend. You know, that really exciting dancing where they're dead from the waist up?

Andy Richter:
The only way I'd go see Riverdance is if they were actually dancing in a river.

Jackie:
Andy?

Andy Richter:
Yeah?

Jackie:
What's your favorite color, bird, state, Olson twin and green leavy vegetable?

Andy Richter:
Blue, swan, Hawaii, Ashley, Swiss Char.

Jackie:
That's my favorite color, bird, state, Olson twin and green leavy vegetable too! Gosh, nobody ever says Swiss Char.

Andy Richter:
We did.

Andy Richter:
So which one is Ramona? Is she the one with the ears?

Keith Richards:
I think everyone who works here has ears.

Andy Richter:
We have to get her a present too? Hey, what if my present is not getting drunk and hitting on her mom?

Keith Richards:
I'll split that with you.

Andy Richter:
Words can sting just as bad as window cleaner.

Andy Richter:
Besides, it's not a good idea to sleep with your co-workers, remember? I hear that's what broke up the Osmonds...

Keith Richards:
Lori likes you.

Andy Richter:
Lori likes everybody. At the last Christmas party she 'liked' Tim Stalin's brains out on the xerox machine.