Austin & Ally

Ally Dawson:
Trish, how come you didn't tell us you were dating Trent?

Trish De La Rosa:
Because I didn't want the fact that we were going out to influence Austin's decision on who to hire.

Austin Moon:
You didn't want to influence my decision? You're kidding, right?

[scene cuts to flashback]

Trish De La Rosa:
Pick Trent! Pick Trent! Pick Trent! Pick Trent! Pick Trent! Pick Trent! Pick Trent! Pick him! Pick him! Pick him! Pick him! Pick Trent! Pick Trent! Pick Trent!

Ally Dawson:
So tell me; What's Trent like?

Trish De La Rosa:
He treats me so great and he's so much fun to be around. Look at this bracelet he got me for our one week-aversiry. It says "Trent's Boo."

[Ally and Trish squeal delightfully]

Ally Dawson:
Trish's Boo has another boo? Boooooo!

Dez:
We put aside our differences in the interest of creating a great yearbook.

Chuck:
Yeah. I decided to be the better man.

Dez:
Actually, I'm the better... better man.

Chuck:
Oh yeah? Well, I'm so much better, that instead of a best man at a wedding, they have a "Chuck man!"

Dez:
Oh yeah? I'm so much better, that instead of a dog winning "Best in Show," they win "Dez in Show!"

Chuck:
Oh yeah? Well, I'm so much better, that instead of BFFs, they have "CFFs" - "Chuck Friends Forever!"

Trish De la Rosa:
[entering the music store wearing a big puffy dress] Guess who's having a quinceanera?

Dez:
Oh, I'll take one. Do you have any chicken quinceaneras? I'm trying to cut back on red meat.

Trish De la Rosa:
You're thinking of a quesadilla.

Dez:
No, a quesadilla is a traditional Latin American party celebrating a girl's fifteenth birthday.

Trish De la Rosa:
*That's* a quinceanera. And stop trying to learn other languages. You can barely speak English.

[Austin's record company is hosting a Halloween party]

Austin Moon:
Cool, it's at Brownstone Mansion.

Dez:
Ooh, I heard that place is haunted.

Jimmy Starr:
Legend has it that angry ghosts appear to take revenge upon the living. You can hear them moaning. Mysterious red slime oozes form the walls... [suddenly normal] Or at least that's what it says on the brochure.

[Team Austin is trying to cover up an angry text message]

Trish De La Rosa:
We have to find Jimmy before he reads that text. Let's split up.

Dez:
Umm, have you never seen a horror movie? You can't just split up in a haunted house. That's where one of the teenagers gets it.

Trish De La Rosa:
Let's hope it's the tall goofy one. We're splitting up.

[uses his "ghost detector" on Trish]

Dez:
Hold on... Picking up something cold and soulless... Oh, hey. It's you.

[Austin just finished a recording session]

Austin Moon:
Man, another great song, Ally. You're the best songwriter in the biz.

Ally Dawson:
Aw, I wouldn't say I'm the best. But you can.

[Repeated line]

Trent:
Stay smooth.

[Team Austin is plotting revenge against Trent]

Ally Dawson:
Austin, we shouldn't rush into anything.

Austin Moon:
I know, Ally. You're gonna say we should sit down and reason with him. Water the plant, people, and goodness will grow. Blah blah blah.

Ally Dawson:
No, I was going to say we shouldn't rush our revenge. I want to get this guy. We need to be ruthless. Plan every detail. Make no mistakes. I don't want to go back to jail!

[Austin and Trish exchange glances]

Ally Dawson:
I saw that in a movie once.

[Austin and Dez are playing swordfights with musical instruments]

Austin Moon:
I am Austimous!

Dez:
And I am Dez-imous!

Austin Moon:
And I...

Ally Dawson:
[grabs the instruments] Am putting these away-emous. Before they break-imus, because trust me, you cannot afford-emous.

Dez:
Wow, you speak really good gladiator.

[a senior citizen tries to buy an electric guitar]

Ally Dawson:
Are you sure you want *this* guitar, sir? It's just that we don't sell many of these to people your age. [the man appears to be offended] Because you have to be at least 21, and clearly you're not. Can I see some I.D. please?

[surprises her with an Eddie Van Halen-style guitar riff]

Ally Dawson:
Will you be my grandpa?

Austin Moon:
Hey, that song sounded great. But the lyrics are little girly.

Ally Dawson:
Well, that's great because the lyrics are for me, and I'm a girlie.

[Austin just got a gig on a radio show]

Ally Dawson:
Austin, this is huge. Miami Mack is the most popular DJ in Florida.

Austin Moon:
I'm surprised you know who he is. I thought you only listened to dorky books on tape.

[tells Spike Stevens about how much Dez idolizes him]

Trish De la Rosa:
If it wasn't for you, Dez would be a brain surgeon. So on behalf of everybody in the world with a brain... thank you.

Trish De la Rosa:
Hi, Brandy I...

Brandy Braxton:
[interrupting] Don't talk to me. I only care about my co-stars.

Austin Moon:
Austin: Uh, hi, Brandy. I'm your co-star...

Brandy Braxton:
Don't talk to me either. I don't really care about my co-stars. I do have a few rules. One, don't stand in front of me. Two, don't look me in the eye. And three, don't ever touch me.

Spike Stevens:
Alright, Austin. I need you to stand in front of Brandy, look her in the eye, and carry her to safety.

[throwing a temper-tantrum on a movie set]

Brandy Braxton:
I want my blankie! I want my Bear-Bear! I want my yogurt! I want a unicorn that breathes FIRE!

[Austin was offered a part in a movie]

Austin Moon:
I hope it's a musical. I've always wanted to be in a beach musical.

Ally Dawson:
What are you gonna be? Some kind of singing surfer? [Austin shrugs] I don't see it.

Ally Dawson:
I'm so glad we're not fighting anymore. That was so silly.

Dez:
Well, clearly the fight was a manifestation of our fears of losing each other.

Austin Moon:
What Dez means is our fight was merely the byproduct of our sadness and heartache rather than any true animosity.

Ally Dawson:
Look who's wearing the smarty-pants now.

Austin Moon:
Mozambique.

Ally Dawson:
I also have a going away present for you. Actually, it's a going away/birthday/groundhog day present. [giving Austin her songbook]

Austin Moon:
Your songbook? You're letting me touch it?

Ally Dawson:
I'm letting you have it. It's full of memories. And I wrote some new songs for you to use while I'm at school.

Dez:
Ooh, can I see it? [reaches for the book]

Austin Moon:
[holds it out of Dez's reach] Don't touch my book!

[Dez's sister is revealed to be dating his enemy]

Ally Dawson:
Well, I think it's romantic that Didi and Chuck are going out. It's like Romeo and Juliet.

Austin Moon:
You know how that ended, right? Not good.

Ally Dawson:
I still think this whole feud is crazy. Haven't we learned anything from "Romeo and Juliet?" These violent delights bring violent ends.

Austin Moon:
[in a fake British accent] A plague on both your houses! [back to normal] Why do I know that?

[Trish hosts a radio contest as a DJ]

Ally Dawson:
So what's the contest?

Trish De la Rosa:
You have to recite poetry while sticking your feet in a tub full of cockroaches.

Ally Dawson:
Ewww. That's awful.

Austin Moon:
I know. Poetry.

[Ally and Trish stare at him]

Austin Moon:
Gross.

[first lines, both sitting at a piano in the store]

Austin Moon:
Can you play this?

[Austin plays a classical music piece]

Ally Dawson:
Oh, please. I can play that in my sleep.

[pretends to yawn, and plays the same piece]

[Trish theatened Dez for killing her character in his movie]

Dez:
Fine, your character won't get eaten until the end. But just so you know, I'm naming the crab "Trish." Because it's mean, and everybody's afraid of it.

Trish De la Rosa:
Aww, Dez. That's so sweet.

Dez:
[directing a movie] Okay, Austin. Mildred is under that umbrella, unaware Claws is behind her. You have to run through this maze of umbrellas, and battle him to the death with this oar.

Austin Moon:
[grabs the oar] This or what?

Dez:
This oar.

Austin Moon:
This or, what?

Dez:
This oar.

Austin Moon:
This or, what?

Dez:
This oar!

Austin Moon:
Or, what?

Dez:
THIS OAR!

Austin Moon:
THIS OR, WHAT?

Dez:
Just fight him with the paddle.

Austin Moon:
I still don't get why you can't be in Dez's movie. I know you have stagefright, but it's not like there's an audience. Just Dez and some actors.

Ally Dawson:
It doesn't matter. I still have to perform in front of people. I don't like that kind of pressure.

Austin Moon:
But you have the most gruesome death in the movie. The crab rips you in half, and then your head gets to watch him eat your legs.

Ally Dawson:
[feigns excitement] No way! That changes everything!

Austin Moon:
Really?

Ally Dawson:
No.

[Ally has turned down a role in Dez's first movie]

Trish De la Rosa:
I'll play Sally.

Austin Moon:
How are you going to play two parts in the same movie?

Trish De la Rosa:
It's easy. When I was in middle school I played three parts in the same play. It was a modern take on Romeo and Juliet, set as a love triangle in Miami.

Ally Dawson:
I remember that play. Romeo and Juliet - and Lupita.

Trish De la Rosa:
Oh, Romeo, Romeo. Where for art thou, Romeo? [changing to masculine voice] It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. [changing to a sassy latino woman] No te quiero cerca de mi novio!

[from the bloopers to Dez's movie]

Austin Moon:
I'm getting too old for this, crab!

Austin Moon:
Go ahead, Claws, make my day!

Austin Moon:
Hasta la vista, Crabby!

Austin Moon:
Crab, I am your father.

Austin Moon:
I love the smell of crab meat in the morning.

Austin Moon:
Say hello to my little umbrella!

Dez:
[about the old typewriter] I'll take it, Trish! I'm sure to win the contest with this.

Chuck:
[appearing in the door opening] Not so fast, Red!

Dez:
Chuck!

Chuck:
I entered the contest too.

Dez:
You're wasting your time, Chuck. I'm gonna win this short story contest.

Chuck:
You wish. My story's so short, you can see its feet on its driver's license.

Dez:
My story's so short, it's not allowed to go on any carnival rides.

Chuck:
My story's so short, when it sits on a dime, its feet don't touch the ground.

Dez:
My story's so short, that it's...! Um... that it's, uh...

Chuck:
I think I smell smoke. Must be your brain on overdrive.

Chuck:
I hope you're prepared to lose that contest, Dez-aster. 'Cause I'm gonna write the coolest story ever.

Dez:
Please. My story's so cool, it's gonna host the next Winter Olympics.

Chuck:
My story's so cool, when my air conditioner breaks, I stand next to my story to cool down.

Dez:
Yeah, well, my story's so cool, because everything I write with my magic typewriter, comes true. [gasps as he realizes his mistake]

[last lines]

Dez:
I'm gonna win the cake baking contest.

Chuck:
Not so fast, Red! I'm gonna win, 'cause I bake the sweetest cakes.

Dez:
Please. My cake's so sweet, you get a cavity just by looking at it.

Chuck:
Yeah? My cake's so sweet, my grandma wants to squeeze its cheeks every time she sees it.

Dez:
My cake's so sweet, instead of having a sweet sixteen party, girls have a 'my cake' sweet sixteen party.

Chuck:
Well, my cake is so sweet, instead of having sweet sixteen parties, girls... have... my cake... sweet sixteen parties. You already said that!

Dez:
Ha! Sweet, sweet victory. Or should I say, "my cake, my cake" victory.

Chuck:
My float's such a winner, when people win the lottery, they'll say, "Congratulations, you are the lucky Chuck's float."

Dez:
Oh yeah? My float's such a winner, it'll win the Oscar for best picture, best supporting actress, and oh yeah, best float.

Chuck:
My float's such a winner, they'll have parades in its honor. My float will have floats.

[while being pressured to write another song for Austin]

Ally Dawson:
I can't just spit out a song anytime you want me to. Lyrics don't just flow out of me like a river after a rain of tears. [suddenly realizing... ] Oh, that's good.

Trish De la Rosa:
Guess who got a job at the dry cleaners.

Ally Dawson:
What happened to your job at the Yo-Yo cart?

Trish De la Rosa:
It's a long, complicated story...

Ally Dawson:
You got fired.

Trish De la Rosa:
Hmm. I guess it's not that long or complicated.

[about a recent concert Austin threw]

Ally Dawson:
You really won all those people over. [slight chuckle] They came for the kangaroo, but they stayed for the "Moon."

Ally Dawson:
[trying to explain the lyrics] Those aren't the lyrics! My handwriting was only sloppy because everyone was rushing me! I went to Calligraphy Camp!

Austin Moon:
Book club, Calligraphy Camp - now you're just making stuff up.

[repeated line]

European Model:
Austin Moon my boyfriend.

Megan Simms:
I'm young, but I'm powerful. Now if you excuse me, I have to go make a tinkle.

[imitating a Scooby-Doo-type character]

Dez:
Cachoinkers! It's a real whodunnit!

[imitating a Scooby-Doo-type character]

Austin Moon:
Let's boogie on outta here, my funky friends.

[on Ally's stolen songbook]

Mrs. Kravitz:
What does it look like?

Ally Dawson:
It is the ultimate manifestation of love, passion and every emotion I've ever felt in my 18 years on this beautiful earth.

Dez:
It's a ratty brown book with an "A" on it.

Chuck:
My tux is so sharp, it comes with safety goggles.

Dez:
Oh yeah? My tux is so sharp, I got a paper cut just putting it on.

Chuck:
My tux is so sharp, Japanese chefs use it chop vegetables tableside. [pretends to do that. Dez "catches" one in the air and then "eats" it]

Dez:
My tux is so sharp, teachers warn little kids not to run with it.

Chuck:
My tux is so sharp, instead of pencil sharpeners, people use pencil my-tux-eners.

Dez:
Okay, that one didn't make any sense.

Chuck:
Eh, I'll admit that one was a stretch.

[Ally found her song on the radio without her permission]

Ally Dawson:
That's my song! How could he just steal my song like that? He messed with the wrong girl!

Trish De la Rosa:
That's right! Get angry! Me likey!

[about a boy at the cell-phone kiosk]

Ally Dawson:
What? The cell-phone guy? That's crazy. Oh, why would I... Holy unlimited texting, he is so cute!

[last lines]

Chuck:
The barbecue sauce with the strongest flavor wins. And that's gonna be mine. My sauce is so strong, they can do fifty one-handed push-ups.

Dez:
Oh yeah? Well, my sauce is so strong, it won Olympic gold medal in weightlifting.

Chuck:
My sauce is so strong, when superheroes are in trouble, they call my sauce for help.

Dez:
My sauce is so strong, it's doing a buddy cop movie with The Rock.

Chuck:
My sauce is so strong, they're thinking about renaming Hercules, My Sauce... eles.

Dez:
Okay, that one doesn't even make sense.

Chuck:
My chili's so hot, you have to stick your tongue in fire to cool it off.

Dez:
Oh yeah? Well, my chili's so hot, NASA uses it for rocket fuel.

Chuck:
My chili's so hot, it's a second leading cause of global warming.

Dez:
Well, my chili's so hot, you have to put a smoke detector in your underwear before you eat it.

Chuck:
My chili's so hot, they're thinking about renaming the sun, "my chili."

Dez:
Yeah? Well, my chili's so hot, it... it... it...

Dez:
I'm so tough, NAVY Seals wanna be me when they grow up.

Chuck:
I'm so tough, when something bad happens, people don't say, "tough luck." They say, "Chuck luck."

Dez:
I'm so tough, if I were a math problem, I'd be impossible to solve.

Chuck:
My cheers are so loud, I get noise complaints. From dead people.

Dez:
My cheers are so loud, they give out ear plugs with a warning. "Warning: My cheers are loud."

Chuck:
Well, my cheers are so loud, when I cheer in Florida, they tell me to keep it down!... in Canada.

[during the shoot of a TV commercial]

Trish De la Rosa:
Seriously? Are you trying to sell perfume or give children nightmares?

[a movie theater usher accuses Austin & Ally of littering]

Walter:
Look what I found underneath your seat. Recognize this?

Ally Dawson:
Uh, yeah. It's popcorn.

Walter:
Ah-HAH! How would you know that if you didn't litter?

Ally Dawson:
Because we've seen popcorn before.

Ally Dawson:
Hi, Dez. What are you supposed to be? An alien zombie?

Dez:
No, a zombie alien. I'm a Zalien. Characters from my favorite movies of all time. Zaliens 1, Zaliens 2, Zaliens 3, Zaliens 4, Zaliens 5, Zaliens 7...

Ally Dawson:
[interrupting] Ah-ah-ah, you forgot Zaliens 6.

Dez:
Ugh, that movie stinks. I *wish* I could forget it.