Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Scott:
If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's sitting on the crapper or something?

Dr. Evil:
How about, no, Scott? Okay?

Austin:
Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.

Austin:
So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, presumeably, I could go back and look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the '90s and traveled back to the '60s?

Austin:
Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.

Basil:
I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself.

Basil:
That goes for you all, too.

Austin:
Yes.

Austin:
Yes, Yes, Yes! NO NO!

Dr. Evil:
As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?

Scott:
Because you never kill him when you get the chance, and you're a dope?

Dr. Evil:
The moon unit will be divided into two divisions: Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.

Austin:
How could you sleep with Fat Bastard?

Felicity Shagwell:
I was just doing my duty, Austin. I had to.

Austin:
No, I mean, literally, HOW could you do it? He's so fat, the sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling.

Austin:
Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants baby?

Felicity Shagwell:
You can start by buying me a drink.

Mike Myers:
You know what's remarkable? That England looks in no way like Southern California.

Robin Swallows:
Tell me, Mr. Powers. Do you swing?

Austin:
Are you kidding, baby? I put the "grrrr" in swinger, baby! Yeah!

Felicity Shagwell:
Austin Powers, I presume.

Austin:
Powers by name, powers by reputation.

Felicity Shagwell:
Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, shag-very-well by reputation.

Austin:
Oh, be-have.

Felicity Shagwell:
Not if I can help it.

Dr. Evil:
As the French say, that certain "I don't know what".

Ivana:
Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?

Austin:
I can guess, baby.

Ivana:
We play chess.

Austin:
I guessed wrong.

Ivana:
When did you get "The Clapper"?

Austin:
November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave.

Felicity Shagwell:
Move over, Rover. This chick is taking over.

Number Two:
Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock markets? We could make trillions.

Dr. Evil:
Why make a trillion when we could make... billions?

Scott:
A trillion's more than a billion, numbnuts.

The President:
C'mon, let me nuke that bastard.

Commander Gilmour:
Are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?

The President:
Would you miss it?

The President:
Would you miss it?

Basil:
Did we get Dr. Evil?

Radar Operator:
No, sir, he got away in that big spaceship that looks like a huge...

Teacher:
Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong, or...

Friendly Dad:
Wiener? Any of your kids want another wiener?

Friendly Son:
Dad, what's that?

Friendly Dad:
I don't know, son, but it has great big...

Peanut Vendor:
Nuts. Hot, salty nuts. Who wants some?...

Peanut Vendor:
Lord Almighty!

Woman:
That looks just like my husband's...

Circus Barker:
ONE-EYED MONSTER. Step right up and see the One-eyed Monster!

Cyclops:
RARRR.

Cyclops:
Hey, what's that? It looks like a...

Fan:
Woody. Woody Harrelson. Could I have your autograph?

Woody:
Sure. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!

Fan:
It's so huge.

Woody:
No, I've seen bigger. That's...

Dr. Evil:
Just a little prick.

Dr. Evil:
Mini-me, you complete me.

Dr. Evil:
Mini Me, if I ever lost you I don't know what I would do.

Dr. Evil:
I would probably move on, get another clone but there would be a 15 minute period there where I would just be inconsolable.

Dr. Evil:
Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it anymore.

The President:
What hand?

Dr. Evil:
You aren't all that and a bag of potato chips.

The President:
What are you talking about?

Dr. Evil:
Don't go there, girlfriend.

The President:
Whose girlfriend?

Dr. Evil:
Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mo-fo. I once popped a cop cause he wasn't giving my props in Oak town. No? I've heard that somewhere.

Dr. Evil:
From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone, I knew that I'd be safe cuz I'd never be alone. An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings, my hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing. I'd hoped Scott would look up to me, run the business of the family, head an evil empire just like his dear old dad, give him my love and the things I never had. Scott would think I was a cool guy, return the love I have, make me want to cry, be evil, but have my feelings too, change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou. But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie, life is cruel, treats you unfairly, even so, a God there must be, Mini Me, you complete me.

Scott:
Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out? You are, after all, my father.

Dr Evil:
Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.

Scott:
Him? Look at him, he's crazy. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.

Dr Evil:
Probably.

Frau Farbissina:
They made a clone.

Fat Bastard:
I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs. *Chili's* Baby back ribs.

Dr. Evil:
Mini Me, stop humping the laser. Maybe you and the laser should go get a freakin room.

Felicity Shagwell:
So Austin tell me about the future.

Austin:
Well everyone has their own flying car, entire meals come in pill form, and the Earth is run by DAMN DIRTY APES.

Felicity Shagwell:
Oh My God.

Dr. Evil:
Look, I'm Zippy Longstockings.

Ivana:
My name is Ivana, Ivana Humpalot

Fat Bastard:
First things first: WHERE'S YOUR SHITTER? I've got a turtle-head poking out.

Dr. Evil:
Charming

Fat Bastard:
I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. Aww, it's SQUIDGY. Christ, I'm gettin' all emotional from it, ya know?

Dr. Evil:
Sick as a dog. Gonna vomit.

Felicity Shagwell:
I want to see how the 70s and 80s turn out.

Austin:
The 70s and the 80s? I've looked into it. There's a gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls. That's about it.

Austin:
Shut up, you bastard... who is fat...

Dr. Evil:
Mini-me, we do not gnaw on the kitty.

Colonel:
We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are VITAL to the country. Be on special alert.

Fat Bastard:
Yes Sir.

Colonel:
And, uh, try to lose some weight, for God's sake.

Fat Bastard:
Yes Sir.

Fat Bastard:
Mister English Colonel tellin' me to lose weight. "Oh, I'm a hard case" he says.

Fat Bastard:
Well, listen up, sonny Jim: I ate a baby. Oh, aye, Baby: the other, other white meat. Baby: it's what's for dinner.

Fat Bastard:
I'm Dead Sexy. You Are Crap.

Austin:
And I'm spent.

Vanessa Kensington:
Do you smoke after sex?

Austin:
I don't know, baby, I never looked.

Dr. Evil:
The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

Dr. Evil:
Mini Me? Mini Me? For God's sake would somone put a fricken bell on him or something.

[each time Austin pushes a button on the remote, Vanessa motions according to the button pushed]

Austin:
Vanessa, what's going on?

[he pushes the play button, and Vanessa walks up to him in normal speed]

Vanessa:
I don't know what you mean, Austin. I'm the same Vane--

[her sentence is muted when Austin pushes the mute button; he pushes the same button again]

Vanessa:
You must be--

[Austin pushes the SAP button]

Vanessa:
[in Spanish] ...Tu imaginación está jugando con ti, querido.

Austin:
[in the state of shock] OH, MY GOD!

[Vanessa strangles him by the neck; Austin rips her face off and sees the face of a machine in its place]

Austin:
Vanessa! You're a fembot!

Vanessa:
No sh*t, Sherlock! [throws Austin aside and releases machine guns from her breasts]

Austin:
Machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those, baby?

Vanessa:
Perhaps next time you should try foreplay.

Austin:
Right. [to himself] Oh, my God!

["Vanessa" shoots her machine guns at Austin and stops firing as Austin waves a white flag to surrender]

Dr. Evil's voice:
Here's your wedding present, Mr. Powers. A kamikaze bride from me: Dr. Evil. [countdown reaches zero; "Vanessa's" head explodes, destroying bits of the hotel room]

Austin:
[unharmed, checks to see if his crotch is intact] Oh, thank God.

Springer:
You know, what have we learned here today? Perhaps it's that no one can take your mojo. You can look around all you want, but what you're really tryin' to find is on the inside. Take care of yourself and each other.

Austin:
Who are you, baby?

Ivana:
Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.

Austin:
Excuse me?

Ivana:
Ivana Humpalot.

Austin:
And I Vanna toilet made out of solid gold, but its just not in the cards now, is it? [laughs]

Ivana:
Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?

Austin:
I can guess, baby.

Ivana:
We play chess.

Austin:
I guessed wrong.

Ivana:
It takes a keen intellect to play chess, Mr. Powers. I assume you know how to play.

Austin:
Of course, baby.

Dr. Evil:
Frau Farbissina, Wie geht es Ihnen? (Translation: How are you?)

Frau:
Sehr gut, Herr Doctor. (Very good, Doctor.)

Dr. Evil:
How are things?

Frau:
I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name. To my right is my lover. [reveals said female] We met at the LPGA Tour. Her name is Unibrau.

Dr. Evil:
Right on. Welcome, Unibrau.

Frau:
[looks at the coffee cream on Dr. Evil's nose] Dr. Evil, you, uh-- [points to the nose]

Dr. Evil:
What? What?

Frau:
You've got a little milk... nose... mustache.

Dr. Evil:
[looks at himself in his mirror] I know. I know. I meant to. [wipes his nose] That's how we drink it in Belgium. It's called a Belgian Dip.

Austin:
[looks through binoculars around neck] Dr. Evil's headquarters is just over that next ridge.

Felicity:
Let me look. [pulls binoculars, with Austin, across]

Austin:
AAAGH!

Felicity:
Damn it! [pulls binoculars down] How do we get in?

Austin:
[stuck in Felicity's chest] Hello, Mummy. Mummy, can I have some chocolate? I want some Mars bars!

Felicity:
Austin?

Austin:
Don't smack my bottom, mummy!

Felicity:
Austin?

Austin:
[pulls himself up] Sorry, love. I got stuck in your dirty pillows.

Felicity:
Let's look at the map. [drags Austin by the binoculars and heads into the tent]

Austin:
Oh, God!

Dr. Evil:
[about his new "laser"] You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".

[Scott snickers]

Dr. Evil:
What?

Scott:
Oh, nothin', Darth.

Dr. Evil:
What did you call me?

Scott:
Oh, nothin'. [sneezes] Rip-off!

Dr. Evil:
Bless you.

Austin:
Who sent you?!

Mustafa:
You'll have to kill me.

Austin:
Who sent you?!

Mustafa:
Kiss my ass, Powers!

Austin:
Who sent you?!

Mustafa:
Dr. Evil!

Felicity:
That was easy.

Austin:
That was easy.

Felicity:
Why did you tell us?

Mustafa:
I can't stand to be asked the same question 3 times. It just irritates me.

Austin:
Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa:
Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.

Austin:
Where is Dr. Evil hiding?

Mustafa:
You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.

Austin:
(quickly) Where's Dr. Evil hiding?!

Mustafa:
Damn! 3 times! He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.

Austin:
Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?

Mustafa:
(spits) I spit at the question.

Austin:
Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?

Mustafa:
Go to hell, Powers.

Austin:
Fine. (slowly) Where is Dr. Evil's secret... volcano... lair?

Mustafa:
I will take it to the grave with me.

Felicity:
Aha! You have to answer. He asked you 3 times.

Mustafa:
No, no, no! No. The second question was: "Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?". So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.

Austin:
He's right.

Dr. Evil:
The key to this project is the giant laser, which was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. Therefore, we shall call it: "The Alan Parsons Project".

Scott:
[snickers] "Oh my god".

Dr. Evil:
What now?

Scott:
The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don't you just call it Operation Wang Chung, ass?

Basil:
Hello, everybody!

Austin:
Hello, Basil!

Basil:
The results are in. We've discovered trace elements of a rare vegetable found only on one island, here, in the Caribbean.

Austin:
Whoop-de-doo! What does it all mean, Basil?

Basil:
It means that this is the location of Dr. Evil's lair!

Austin:
Smashing, Basil. [sniffs his "coffee", then frowns] Cor! This coffee smells like sh*t!

[Basil looks at Fat Bastard's stool sample, from which Austin has inadvertently poured into his mug]

Basil:
It is sh*t, Austin.

Austin:
Oh, good. Then it's not just me. [drinks the sample and smacks his lips] It's a bit nutty.

General:
Sir, are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?

President:
Would you miss it? (to the other generals) Would you miss it?

Frau:
You know I will never love another man.

Dr. Evil:
Well, yes. That's true.

Felicity:
What do you think of these, my man?

[Felicity exposes her breasts to the guard]

Guard:
Mommy!

[Guard rushes forward and plunges to his death in hot magma]

Austin:
What a..."burn?" [laughs] That sort of thing could get a man..."fired?" [laughs] I think he was..."hot"...for...you. [laughs]

Felicity:
That's enough.

Austin:
Yeah.

[Austin chases Dr. Evil who is wearing a space suit with helmet]

[Austin shoots and hits Dr. Evil in his thigh]

Austin:
Gotcha!

[Dr. Evil sits up and switches on his speaker unit]

Dr. Evil:
Ow! You shot me, you a-hole!

[He switches off his speaker unit]

Austin:
And now I'm going to kill you!

[Dr.Evil switches on his speaker unit]

Dr.Evil:
Before you do that-- Ow! [stands up and in a deep voice] Know this. [pause] Austin. [Heavy, Darth Vader style breathing/voice] I am your father.

Austin:
Really?

Dr. Evil:
[normal voice] No, not really. I can't back that up.

Austin:
Right. Idiot. Yes.

Dr. Evil:
But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers, that you would rather kill me than save your precious Felicity?

Austin:
What do you mean?

Dr. Evil:
Remember, there's a Time Portal in the main chamber. You can go back and save her.

Austin:
I'll do that.

[Dr. Evil laughs evilly, and Frau shoots Austin, but misses; Austin drops his gun and runs off for the Time Portal]

Austin:
Felicity!

[Dr. Evil, w/his speaker off, mouths "Good work." to Frau]

[Frau doesn't hear him]

[Dr. Evil yells "Good... work!" to Frau, and is barely heard]

[Frau still doesn't hear him; Dr. Evil turns his speaker back on]

Dr. Evil:
[loudly] GOOD WORK!! (faints; glass breaks)

[Felicity passes out in the gas chamber]

Dr. Evil:
You may have won the battle, Mr. Powers, but you lost the war!

Austin:
NO! No! No!

[at the Jerry Springer show, Dr. Evil sits beside Scott]

Dr. Evil:
Hello, Scott. Daddy's back.

Scott:
How could you do this to me? On national television?!

Dr. Evil:
Well, throw me a frickin' bone here, Scott.

Scott:
Why'd you run out on me?

Dr. Evil:
Because you're not quite evil enough.

[audience starts groaning]

Dr. Evil:
[to audience] Well, it's true. [to Scott] You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just 1 calorie. Not evil enough.

White-Hooded Man:
What are you? Some kinda freak?!

Scott:
[stands up] Shut up, you (bleep)!

Dr. Evil:
Okay, come on.

Hooded Man:
[stands up, too] I'll kick your (bleep), punk.

Scott:
Bring it on, you skanky (bleep)!

Dr. Evil:
No one talks to my son like that. It's okay, Scott. (to the hooded man) You mother(bleep)! (stands up and attacks the hooded man)

(the audience goes wild, as well as numerous bleeps, Jerry's bodyguards try to stop the fight):

Dr. Evil:
(yells at the hooded man) You were born in your mother's (bleep)!

Audience:
(chant) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Fat Bastard:
[Felicity kicks him in the crotch] Oh-h-h, right in the mummy-daddy button!

Felicity:
That's for calling me crap, ya fatty!

(Fat Bastard screams as he falls to the ground very hard)

Johnson:
[notices Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar] Colonel, you better take a look at this radar.

Colonel:
What is it, son?

Johnson:
I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant--

[cut to the sky in two jets]

Jet Pilot:
Dick!

Dick:
Yeah?

Pilot:
Take a look outta starboard.

Dick:
Oh, my God! It looks like a huge--

[cut to a forest with 2 birdwatchers]

Bird-Watching Woman:
Pecker!

Bird-Watching Man:
[raises his binoculars] Oh, where?

Bird-Watching Woman:
Wait! that's not a woodpecker. It looks like someone's--

[cut to a boot camp]

Army Sergeant:
PRIVATES! We have reports of an unidentified flying object! It is a long, smooth shaft, complete with--

[cut to a baseball game]

Umpire:
2 balls! [looks up from game] What is that? That looks just like an enormous--

[cut to a Chinese school]

Teacher:
Wang! Pay attention!

Wang:
I was distracted by that enormous flying--

[cut to a concert with Willie Nelson and another guitarist]

Musician:
Willie.

Willie:
Yeah?

Musician:
What's that?

Willie:
[looks up] Well, it looks like a giant--

[cut back to headquarters]

Colonel:
Johnson!

Johnson:
Yes, sir!

Colonel:
Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this!

(as Dr. Evil escapes)

Basil:
Did we get Dr. Evil?

Johnson:
No, sir. He got away in that rocket that looks like a huge--

[cut to a school]

Schoolteacher:
Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tally-whacker, schlong, or--

[cut to a barbecue]

Father:
Wiener? Any of you kids want another wiener?

Son:
(points at the rocket) Dad, what's that?

Father:
I don't know, son, but it's got great big--

[cut to a ball game]

Peanut vendor:
Nuts! Hot salty nuts! Who wants some?! Lord Almighty!

Woman:
That looks just like my husband's--

[cut to a circus]

Ringmaster:
One-eyed monster! Step right up and see the One-Eyed Monster!

One-eyed Monster:
(jumps out and nearly surprises the crowd, then points to the rocket) Hey! What's that? It looks like a big--

[cut elsewhere]

Female fan:
Woody! Woody Harrelson? Can I have an autograph?

Woody Harrelson:
Sure. No problem. [sees the rocket] Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!

Fan:
It's so big!

Woody:
I've seen bigger. That's--

[cut to Dr. Evil's rocket]

Dr. Evil:
(to Mini-Me while he gives him a flu shot) Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space. I don't want you to get sick. It's one thing to attack me. It's quite another to attack my Mini-Me. (hands Mini-Me a lollipop) I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers. I'm gonna get you!

(both he and Mini-Me laugh evilly)

Fat Bastard:
Would you like some chicken? I've got more.

Felicity:
No, thanks.

[Fat Bastard rolls over to get more food at the side of his bed; Felicity takes a homing device out of her purse and notices an opening in his rear end]

Basil:
[voice-over, via Felicity's memory] Remember, by any means necessary.

[Felicity nervously sticks it in his behind]

Fat Bastard:
OOH! Frisky are we? Give it up! [rolls on top of her]

Dr. Evil:
Mr. President, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser!

[he shows a clip of a UFO from Independence Day blowing up the White House]

President:
[freaks out and ducks under the desk] Damage report! Damage report!

[the staff realizes that everything is safe]

General:
It's okay. It's all right. Come on.

Dr. Evil:
Well, actually, that was just footage from the movie Independence Day, but the real laser would be a lot like that. Yeah. Scary.

Swallows:
My name is Robin Swallows.

Austin:
Swallows. That's an interesting name.

Swallows:
Maiden name's Spitz.

Austin:
Well, which is it, baby? Spitz or Swallows?

[Austin and Swallows fall from Austin's pad after a shot from a bazooka]

Swallows:
The fall will kill us both, Powers!

[Austin moves Swallows in front of him to break his fall; they land hard on the sidewalk]

Swallows:
[still alive] You can't win, Powers.

[O'Brien looks over the edge, reloads his machine gun, and opens fire]

Austin:
Why won't you die?!