BASEketball

Joseph R. Cooper:
Go back to your fancy cars, and your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year... F***!

Joseph R. Cooper:
If you want unanimous consent, you're gonna have to get it from one of the other owners.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Your bed is over here.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari:
Dude, that is so f***in' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?

Joseph R. Cooper:
Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari:
Yeah I could.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
No. Dude, you're a little b*tch!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari:
I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.

Joseph R. Cooper:
'Cause you're a piece of sh*t.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari:
I am not a piece of sh*t!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Yeah, but you're a little b*tch.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari:
Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!

Joseph R. Cooper:
Hey pigf***er, can I call you pigf***er?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
No, only my friends can call me pigf***er.

Coop:
It's Coop and Remer.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
We graduated with Britney.

Dr. Kaiser:
You graduated?

Coop:
Of course we graduated, cock - Beer?

Coop:
Oh hey, Stef!

Stephanie:
Coop! Remer!

Coop:
You wanna beer?

Stephanie:
Oh, my God, you guys haven't changed since High School!

Coop:
Oh, cool.

Stephanie:
No, it isn't.

Coop:
Cock. Hey, Skidmark Steve, cool. You sill hangin' out, playin' Nintendo?

Skidmark Steve:
Well, if you must know, I'm in my second year of med school and I'm training for the Summer Games. What are you two up to?

Coop:
Just hanging out. Playing Nintendo. Cock.

Coop:
Oh hey! Skidmark Steve! You still just hangin' out, playin' Nintendo?

Coop:
You know... hangin' out... playin' Nintendo... cock!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks, dude.

Joseph R. Cooper:
I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.

Joseph R. Cooper:
Who's this guy?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
He's my entertainment lawyer. He's helping me with my movie contract.

Joseph R. Cooper:
Now you're such a big shot you're gonna act in a Hollywood movie? F***ing sellout.

Joseph R. Cooper:
Thanks a lot, Doctor D*ckhead! You totally f***ed me there!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Dude, relax. It was a joke.

Joseph R. Cooper:
Why don't you give it up! She doesn't even like you!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
You think she got the hots for you? Sh*t. Squeak has a better chance that you do.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari:
Hey, you think?

Joseph R. Cooper:
That is low. You son of a b*tch.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari:
Why is that low?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now. Don't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari:
If I make this next shot, you'll have to stop calling me Squeak.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Okay.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari:
Or b*tch.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Or b*tch.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Okay.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Tough break, Squeak.

Joseph R. Cooper:
Yeah, now you gotta fetch the ball, b*tch.

Joseph R. Cooper:
Steve Perry!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Oh, I'll come, I love hospitals.

Joseph R. Cooper:
No you don't, you like Taco Bell!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
No, one time I was at this hospital, and I met this great chick.

Joseph R. Cooper:
Dude, that was a hostel.

Joseph R. Cooper:
If I had a nickel for every time that ball saved me, I'd have a shitload of nickels!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari:
I am not going out with his sister!

Joseph R. Cooper:
Dude, that's the defense, ya gotta psych them out.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Yeah, ya gotta say totally f***ed up sh*t to psych them out.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari:
Oh... Hey wait a minute, why is me going out with his sister totally f***ed up?

Joseph R. Cooper:
What is something you really want?

Joseph R. Cooper:
That's a tough order, dude.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
You'd have a better shot at Bill.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Listen to me little b*tch! You either go out there and make that shot or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your f***in' ass, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari:
Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you just hold on a minute? Look at you guys... fighting on the Malaka-Laka board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway, we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwin' it all away! If you've forgotten what BASEketball means to America, you have only to look at this board - the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can... get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. But more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody. You guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. If we can't be friends... then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. I know I'll never get that back again. We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!

Robert Stack:
Scenario one, hanging by his neck in his f***ing closet.

Jenna Reed:
You wanna know where Coop went. Try the place with the most grossly exploitation of children.

Robert Stack:
Scenario number two, Coop went to Disneyworld

Coop:
I'm not gonna do it, dude, end of story!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Dude!

Coop:
Dude!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Dude!

Coop:
Dude!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Dude!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Dude.

Coop:
I see your point.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer:
Wake up b*tch! You're my new best friend!

Joseph R. Cooper:
Hey, Grumsky, you losin' weight?

Joseph R. Cooper:
Oh, Big ass! you're f***in' fat. You're goddamn f***in' fat. How'd you get so goddamn f***in' fat?

Bob Costas:
And joining us in the booth this evening, big fan of BASEketball, Tony Nocholino, who plays, as you know, Latino cut-up "Scooter" on the new hit comedy series "What's the Difference?" airing between "Recycled Junk" starring Lisa Campbell and "Same Old Crap" featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson, all part of the great fall lineup on our network's "Who gives a rat's ass?" Thursdays.

Narrator:
Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music.

Surgeon:
Has there been a rise in his fluid intake? SWEET JESUS! His sodium levels are through the roof!

Surgery Nurse:
I don't get it. He's eight years old and he smells like Robert Downey Jr.

Joseph R. Cooper:
No, it's not like horse.

Dan Patrick:
Hi there. I'm Dan Patrick.

Kenny Mayne:
And I'm Kenny Mayne.

Dan Patrick:
With the first seven months of the BASEketball postseason out of the way, the playoff picture is now starting to emerge.

Kenny Mayne:
So, with last night's victory over Boston, next week the Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte. That's in an effort to reduce their magic number to three.

Dan Patrick:
Right, and then the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.

Kenny Mayne:
So, if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round robin. And if no clear winner emerges from all of this, the two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned.

Dan Patrick:
Right.

Joe Cooper:
I'm not gonna do it, dude, end of story!

Doug Remer:
Dude!

Joe Cooper:
Dude!

Doug Remer:
Dude!

Joe Cooper:
Dude!

Doug Remer:
DUDE!

[Coop looks shocked]

Doug Remer:
[Calmly] Dude.

Joe Cooper:
...I guess you have a point.

Joe "Coop" Cooper:
Steve Perry. Steve Perry! "Well I shoulda been go-one, after all!!!!!!!!!!!

Joe "Coop" Cooper:
[under his breath] Subtle. [normally] Hey, Grumsky, you losin' weight? [Grumsky stay focused] [imitating Eric Cartman] Hey! You guys! Seriously, I'm f***in' fat! Seriously, guys, I'm f***in' fat as f***! How'd I get so f***in' fat?!

Joe "Coop" Cooper:
(with poor Australian accent) How to speak San Franciscan.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari:
"I swear, you guys rip on me thirteen or fourteen more times and I'm outta here!"