Beautiful People

Jayeson Jackson:
Er, what are you looking at?

Kylie:
Dunno. Hasn't got a label on it. Oh, yes it has - it says huge twat!

Simon Doonan:
[Simon and Mickey lean in to kiss, only to be interrupted by an Ambulance siren which Simon mistakes for the police] Oh no I'll go to Reading Jail! [Simon falls off the roof]

Adult Simon:
And that, ladies and gentleman, is how I got my gash.

Reba:
What're you doing in there?

Kylie:
Taking an overdose. [Reba smacks him over the head]

Reba:
Get in there, and mingle.

Miss Prentice:
He said my tits were like two upturned creme brulees... without the burnt bits on the bottom.

Andy Doonan:
Oh my god! Simon swallowed the groom

Older Simon:
[narrating]... and that certainly wouldn't be the last time

Andy Doonan:
Look, she's pregnant. We can't exactly...

Aunty Hayley:
- resew the hymen after the horse has bolted...

Kylie:
[Retching] OH!

Aunty Hayley:
...or something.

Enyata:
[singing] On a boat, on a boat, on a boat upon the ocean. If you're scared, if you're scared, you might pass a nutty motion. If it hurts, if it hurts, be sure to use some lotion.

Johoyo:
I am a brilliant hairdresser! Far better than that dead, b*tch, cousin of mine!

Enyata:
Give us a kiss!

Andy Doonan:
[Kissing Enyata] No! No!

Enyata:
[Reba smacks her over the head with her handbag] What have you got in that handbag, a brick?

Reba:
Have you got a problem with that?

Andy Doonan:
Oh my god! Simon's swallowed the groom!

Adult Simon:
And that certainly wouldn't be the last time.

Aunty Hayley:
Rape! Rape! Andy... interfered with me!

Andy Doonan:
Debbie! I thought it was you!

Aunty Hayley:
He touched me where I haven't been touched since Greenham!

Andy Doonan:
Ashlene! Put that out!

Ashlene Doonan:
Why?

Andy Doonan:
Because I'm your dad and I say so.

Ashlene Doonan:
Shut up!

Andy Doonan:
What?

Ashlene Doonan:
I'm 16, I'm a grown up.

Andy Doonan:
You're a shite. You're my little girl.

Ashlene Doonan:
Oh am I?

Andy Doonan:
Yes. You're my baby.

Ashlene Doonan:
If I'm a little girl...

Andy Doonan:
Which you are.

Ashlene Doonan:
...then how comes I'm pregnant? [Everyone gasps]

Aunty Hayley:
Lucky cow.

Aunty Hayley:
Which one of you clever d*cks moved my bed, eh? [Hayley mistakenly climbs into bed with Andy, who thinks it's Debbie]

Andy Doonan:
Geez, Debs, you've put on a bit of weight. Mm, could've had a little shave for your wedding night. That's one hell of a hairy growler...

Andy Doonan:
Debbie, guess what Ross's surname is?

Debbie Doonan:
Kemp, he said so earlier. Keep your hair on...

Andy Doonan:
Kemp! His name is Ross Kemp!

Ross Kemp:
Yeah and its funny cos I sound like him, it can lead to some tricky situations on the phone.

Mr Carr:
He does it on purpose. Phoning up the library, ordering gay porn.

Ross Kemp:
I did it once, don't exaggerate.

Mr Carr:
Telling them that Rebecca Wade will be in to pick it up later.

Ross Kemp:
You thought it was funny.

Mr Carr:
Making me wear chicken fillets and a red curly wig...

Ross Kemp:
Get a life, Nathan! And a decent face!

Mr Carr:
Don't raise your voice like that to me, Ross!

Ross Kemp:
How do you want me to raise it [in a high pitched voice] like this?

Mr Carr:
Drop dead, Ross, yeah?

Ross Kemp:
I wouldn't give you the satisfaction.

Mr Carr:
You've never given me satisfaction dear...

Ross Kemp:
The only thing you've given me is warts!

Andy Doonan:
The way yous two argue is hilarious!

Mr Carr:
I had no idea that we were living next door to so many of my students!

Ross Kemp:
I'm surprised you're not hyperventilating.

Mr Carr:
And why would I be hyperventilating?

Ross Kemp:
Worried that they're all gonna out you on Monday.

Mr Carr:
That's a little bit unfair, Ross.

Ashlene Doonan:
Oh, don't worry, I won't tell no one. I'm really knowledgeable about gay stuff and sh*t. So which one of you's the bloke and who's the b*tch?

Debbie Doonan:
Ashlene!

Simon Doonan:
So what do we do now?

Kylie:
Wait.

Simon Doonan:
We can't stay here!

Kylie:
Why not?

Simon Doonan:
There'll be lines of people in wheelchairs with overflowing colostomies!

Kylie:
Do I look like I care?

Miss Perrin:
I'm not being funny but, I can't find me handbag anywhere. It's powder pink. Return it to me by the end of school, and you are get a lorra lorra house points.

Kylie:
[Simon spots the bag inside Kylie's jacket] What? It matched my socks!

Adult Simon:
I had convinced myself that I'd contracted...

Simon Doonan:
...Gonorrhea.

Debbie Doonan:
WHAT?

Andy Doonan:
WHAT?

Aunty Hayley:
WHAT?

Ashlene Doonan:
WHAT?

Mummy:
[Bark]

Aunty Hayley:
Oh! There's an echo.

Simon Doonan:
Gonorrhea.

Andy Doonan:
Do you have to say that while we're eating custard?

Adult Simon:
Saturdays were spent by indulging in my dad's favourite pasttime, digging for sh*t in skips.

Simon Doonan:
Miss? Who cut your hair miss, the council?

Kylie:
Where'd you get your dress, miss? Oxfam?

Simon Doonan:
Miss? Are those shoes, miss, or Cornish pasties?

Jayeson Jackson:
Where'd you get your voice from, poof? Gays 'r' us?