Bend It Like Beckham

Joe:
have you seen the new skibidi toilet

Jess:
OMG that was crazy how gman beat the cameraman

Vin Diesel:
You see Jess and Jules, its about family after all

Sam from 8I:
are you guys ready to bend it like Beckham

Sam from 8i (In a directors Cameo):
Wario is peak gaming go play it now!

Paula:
Don't tell me. The offside rule is when the French mustard has to be between the teriyaki sauce and the sea salt.

Video Man:
Eyes down. Don't smile. Indian bride never smiles. You'll ruin the bloody video.

Titan Skibidi Toilet:
skibidi dop dop dop yes yes, skibidi dopapop diib diib

Paula:
Get your lesbian feet out of my shoes!

Jules:
Mother, just because I wear trackies and play sports DOES NOT MAKE ME A LESBIAN!

Jess:
Anyone can cook aloo gobi, but who can bend a ball like Beckham?

Paula:
Do you not realise that you have a daughter with breasts?

Jess:
I'm sorry I missed that penalty, coach.

Joe:
It's okay, losing to the Jerries on penalties comes natural to you English. You're part of tradition now!

Paula:
You know Jesminder, I cooked a lovely curry the other day.

Paula:
That's why she's been so depressed lately cos' that Jess broke her heart! She's in love. With a girl!

Alan Paxton:
You're jumping to all the wrong conclusions

Paula:
But I heard her! No wonder she never looked twice at the Kevin or brought any boys home. I tried to get her nice clothes, you know we've had some lovely prints in this summer you know in swimwear and sarongs and that. She never wants to go shopping with me. It was terrible what they did to that George Michael going on about him and his private business in the papers like that! Oh No!

Alan Paxton:
George Michael is still a superstar and you still listen to Wham!

Tony:
Well you fancying your gora coach is OK with me. Besides, he's quite fit!

Jules:
Anyway being a lesbian's not that big a deal

Paula:
Oh no of course not sweetheart no. I mean I've got nothing against it. I was cheering for Martina Navratilova as much as the next person.

Jess:
I didn't ask to be good at football, Gura Nanak must have blessed me.

Joe:
Can't keep losing all my best players to the Yanks now can I?

Joe:
Maybe after they train you up I'll sign you - if I can afford you.

Jess:
Yeah you wish!

It's a Mario

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

it's me luigi shut up mario

Pump then dump

[Archival footage of Manchester United playing has Jess artificially spliced in making a goal]

Sportscaster:
..and there is Bhamra. It's a fine header, and she's scored! It's a goal by Jess Bhamra! A superb header, beating the defender,and planting the ball beyond the goalkeeper's left hand. Jess Bhamra makes a name for herself at Old Trafford!

[Sports anchors are in a studio]:

Sportscaster:
And have we discovered a new star here, Gary Lineker?

Gary:
That's right. John?

John:
Absolutely.. hehe.

Gary:
Could Bhamra be the answer to England's prayers? Alan?

Alan:
Quick thinking, comfortable on the ball, vision and awareness - magnificent. Tell you what, I wish she was playing for Scotland!

Gary:
John, have England found the player to relive their World Cup glory from '66?

John:
Definitely, and the best thing is, she's not even reached her peak yet.

Anchor:
We're joined now by Jess's mother. You must be proud of your daughter.

Mrs. Bhamra:
Not at all! She shouldn't be showing her bare legs to 70,000 people! She's bringing shame on the family. And you three shouldn't be encouraging her! [Mrs. Bhamra faces the camera] Jesminder, you get back home now! [Scene changes to Jess' bedroom who is watching TV.] Are you listening to me? Have you gone mad? Football, shootball! Your sister's getting engaged, and you're watching this skinhead boy!

Jess:
Mum, it's Beckham's corner!

Mrs. Bhamra:
Eh, come downstairs, and your sister's going crazy.

Pinky:
I've got to go! Mum, where are my keys?

Jess:
I'm sick of this wedding and it hasn't even started!

Pinky:
That girl is a first-class b*tch!

Mrs. Bhamra:
Pinky, you've got so many others!

Pinky:
It was all planned now I gotta get another one! [To Jess] Will you get a flaming move on!

Jess:
What the bloody hell's going on?

Pinky:
Get this yeah? Teet's bloody sister says she's wearing baby pink now. Stupid flipping cow! I had matching accessories and everything!

Jess:
Oh, Mum, do I have to go shopping again?

Mrs. Bhamra:
Ah! My mother chose all my 21 dowry suits herself. I never once complained. You girls are too spoilt! And don't forget my dhania. And more carrots. I'm making achar.

Both Jess and Pinky simultaneously:
Oh, Mum, don't do pickle as well!

Mrs. Bhamra:
Oh, am I asking you to make it?!

...

[Pinky walks up to 3 friends in a store]

Girl 1:
Hi, Pinks! Are you all right?

Girl 2:
You haven't left everything to the last minute, have you?

Pinky:
Yeah. One more day of freedom! [leans in to observe a girl's face] Where did you get your contacts?

Girl 2:
Do you like 'em? Thought they go with my hair innit?

Pinky:
My fiance don't like dyed hair. Can't stand here all day. I got to go to Ealing for my facial. Later!

Girls:
Bye, Pinks. Later.

Pinky:
[Speaking to Jess under breath when leaving store] Stupid b*tch! Why did she get blue contacts? Now I can't wear mine!

...

Jules:
I'd never wear that!

Mrs. Paxton:
They're all the rage, poppet! You blow 'em up, just like a lilo. Look, this little pump comes free with it. Pop it in the valve, pump away, up it goes, then slip it back in there...[Holds up bra looking proud]..and boom! Cleavage! They're perfect while you're still growing 'cause they lift you right there. [Grabs Jules breasts]

Jules:
Mum! God, you're so embarrassing!

Mrs. Paxton:
They make more of what you've got. All the girls have bought one for their daughters. The Fleur's pretty, and the gel bra's a clever one - no pumping, it's already in there. Not the sports bras! They're so plain! They don't enhance.

Jules:
No one's going to see them.

Mrs. Paxton:
It's not how they look, it's how they make you feel. I really like that lace lycra one.

...

Pinky:
Uh-oh, there's your mate. I hope his mum wears a cardi over her three stomachs tomorrow!

Jess:
Shut up! She's old.

Pinky:
So? All right, Jess?

Tony:
Hiya, Pinky.

Tony's mother:
May you have a long life, my daughters! Getting ready for tomorrow?

Pinky:
Yes, Massiji. Mum's making samosas.

Tony's mother:
May God keep you and your husband in endless happiness! And pray for me that I get a lovely daughter-in-law like you for my Tony.

Pinky:
Aw, thank you, Massiji! OK, bye, Yeah?

Tony:
How was biology?Did you do the genetics one?

Jess:
Yes, she was the defective carrier passed the defective gene onto her son.

Tony:
Yeah, I got that, too.

Jess:
I hope I got my 2 Bs and my A for my uni.

Tony:
Jess! Fancy a quick game?

Jess:
I can't. My mum's waiting, and my dad's on earlies at Heathrow.

Tony:
We really need you! Come on! Come on!

[Jess puts down her groceries and does an impressive ball steal, slip past and goal]

Football boy 1:
Who does she think she is? Beckham or what?

Football boy 2:
Can we chest it like him? Give it some bounce!

Football boy 3:
Go on! Chest it!

[Jess picks up football and rams it into football boys crotch]

Tony:
Did that hurt, pretty boy?

[Jess is lying in bed in her bedroom talking to poster on ceiling]

Jess:
I nearly scored from 20 yards today. Bent it and everything. I could have played all night. It's not fair that boys never have to come home and help. If I had an arranged marriage, would he let me play football whenever I wanted to? [Mr. Bhamra bursts into room]

Mr. Bhamra:
Who are you talking to?

Jess:
No one, Dad. [Mr. Bhamra sits on Jess' bed]

Mr. Bhamra:
OK, Biji and her grandson are staying in here for the wedding. Why don't you put up nice picture of beautiful sceneries instead of this bald man?

Jess:
Dad!

Mr. Bhamra:
I'm going to change. Come and help me out, Ok?

[Jess is serving appetizers at wedding shower]

Teetu's friend:
..a beautiful Rolls Royce, you know? I'll get one for your wedding, too, if you like.

Old Indian woman 1:
It will be your turn soon, eh? Do you want a clean-shaven boy like your sister or a proper Sikh with a full beard and a turban? [Woman grabs Jess as she's about to walk away] It's only our men that have a big engine and full MOT, eh? [Women laughs and Jess walks away unimpressed]

[A cellphone rings and everyone checks their cellphones and Teetu realizes it's his]

Teetu:
Nah, man, the alternator's gone on the Merc! Just do the Nissan. I told you not to bother me! It's my engagement, man!

Mr. Bhamra:
Switch it off. Switch that thing off.

...

[3 girls are sitting on a park bench watching boys play football]

Girl 1:
He is so tick, man!

Girl 2:
Innit, innit? I know!

Girl 1:
He's taking his shirt off!

Girl 2:
A body like that needs an X certificate warning!

Girl 3:
And a lifetime guarantee!

Girl 1:
Yeah, man! Call Jess!

Girl 2:
Oi! Jess!

Girl 1:
Who's that with the gorgeous bod?

Girl 3:
The one with the six-pack.

Girl 1:
If he looks at me, I really will faint!

Jess:
What? Taz?

Girl 1:
Is that his name?

Girl 2:
Look at that kick!

Girl 3:
He is so fly!

Girls:
That is fine. That is so fine!

Football boy:
Get your girlfriend!

Tony:
Jess!

Girl 1:
Go on. Lover boy's calling you!

Jess:
Oh shut up, you know he's just my mate. We're not all slags like you lot!

Girl 1:
Ooh! Just 'cause she's still a V man, she thinks she's better than us!

Girl 2:
At least she hasn't got off with half of Hounslow like you two!

Girl 1:
Who's that gori watching her? [Jules is sitting on a park bench staring hard at the the boys and Jess playing]

Tony:
Come on, Jess! It's all yours! [Jules has walked over to the boys and Jess]

Jules:
That was brilliant! Do you play for any side?

Football boy:
Yeah, like whose? Southall United Sari Squad?

Jules:
I play for Hounslow Harriers Girls. You should come and have a trial.

Jess:
A trial? Think I'm good enough?

Jules:
Yeah. You're really good. Oh, it's up to our coach, but we could do with some new blood.

Jess:
That's brilliant!

Football boy 1:
Do you swap shirts at the end?

Football boy 2:
And have a bath together?

Football boy 3:
Where's the soap?

Football boy 4:
Yeah, it does, doesn't it?

[Jules makes a crude gesture and all the boys go silent]

Football boy 1:
Let's play football. [They walk away]

Joe:
She better be serious.

Jules:
She's got balls Joe. At least watch her.

Joe:
I've never seen an Indian girl into football.

Jess:
I didn't know there was a girls' football team.

Joe:
It's all her fault. When I played for the men's club, she whined that there was no team for her to play on.

Jules:
I wasn't whining! There was nothing for us girls. There was junior boys stuff,but when he busted his knee,he set up a girls' side, and he's been on my case ever since!

Joe:
They made me start at the bottom. You can't get much lower than her!

Jules:
You're so full of it! Nah, we get just as many trophies as the men's side do. So, does she pass?

Joe:
Are your folks up for it?

Jess:
Yeah, they're cool.

Joe:
Suppose you'd better come back, then. I've got to go and open the bar. Some real work!

Jules:
He likes you.

Jess:
You think so?

Jules:
He asked you back, didn't he?

[Jules has kicked a goal in her parents backyard, playing with her father]

Mrs. Paxton:
Oh, will you both pack it in! Look at the state of my fuchsias! Allen, when are you gonna realize you have a daughter with breasts, not a son?

Mr. Paxton:
Paula!

Mrs. Paxton:
No boy's gonna go out with a girl who's got bigger muscles than him!

Mr. Paxton:
Leave her alone.

Jules:
I'm not gonna give it up!

Mrs. Paxton:
I saw Kevin on the high street with a blonde girl and it didn't look like they weren't talking about match of the bleedin' day either!

Jules:
Kevin can shag whoever he bloody wants!

Mrs. Paxton:
Honey, all I'm saying is there is a reason why Sporty Spice is the only one of them without a fella.

[Jules has stormed past Mrs. Paxton into the house]

Mrs. Paxton:
Sweetheart...

Mr. Paxton:
Why don't you get off her flamin' back? If she'd rather play football than chaseboys, frankly I'm over the moon about that.

Joe:
[Hands football cleats to Jess] They're a bit tatty, but they'll do the job. Here's a kit. Don't be afraid to get it dirty.

Jess:
Can't I wear my tracksuit bottoms?

Joe:
No.

Jess:
Sh*t!

...

[Joe is wondering why Jess is sitting in the stands looking dejected so he has sat next to her]

Joe:
Jess, what's going on?

Jess:
[Jess pulls shorts over her burn scarred leg] It looks awful. It's why I can't wear shorts ever.

Joe:
Jesus! That's a stunner! I thought I had a bad one on my knee, but yours is gorgeous!Look... Two operations later and it's still useless. [Pulls up pant leg to reveal gnarled scar on knee] Does yours affect your game? Look, don't worry about it. No one's gonna care once you're out there. What happened?

Jess:
You don't want to know. Nah, it just looks awful. I was eight. My mum was working overtime at Heathrow. And I was trying to cook beans on toast. And I jumped up to the grill to get the toast. And my trousers caught light so my sister put me in the bath, poured cold water over me and pulled them off. And half my skin came off too.

Joe:
[Sucks in through teeth] Sorry.

Jess:
I know - it put me off beans on toast for life.

Joe:
[Tries to stifle laughter] Come on. Mine stopped me from playing outright, yours doesn't. No more dawdling.

Jess:
Sorry about your knee.

Joe:
Yeah, yeah. I'm a right sob story, aren't I? Come on! I want to see some sweat on you!

Football boy:
Are you here for fantasy football?

Tony:
You look like a pro!

Jess:
It's brilliant. They're a top team, and the coach is ace.

Football boy:
What's that down your leg?

Jess:
Ain't you never seen a burn before?

Football boy:
Aw, it's disgusting!

Tony:
Back off you wanker!

Football boys:
Ooh!

Jess:
Your just jealous because I can skin you alive!

Football boys:
Oh! The skill the skill the skill!

[A boy has picked up Jess and Mrs. Bhamra watching behind bushes comes out, all the boys go silent and Jess is put down]

Mrs. Bhamra:
Chi, chi, chi! He was touching you all over! Putting his hands on your bare legs! YOU'RE NOT A YOUNG GIRL ANYMORE! And showing the world your scar, ay yi yi...

Mr. Bhamra:
Jessie, now that your sister's engaged... it's different. You know how people talk.

Jess:
She's getting married, not me!

Mrs. Bhamra:
I was married at your age! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO LEARN HOW TO COOK DHAL!

Jess:
ANyway I'm not playing with boys any more.

Mrs. Bhamra:
Good! End of matter!

Jess:
I'm joining a girls' team.

Mrs. Bhamra:
Ah?!

Jess:
They're proper matches. The coach said I could go far.

Mrs. Bhamra:
Go far? Go far to where? Jessie, we let you play all you wanted when you were young, huh? You've played enough.

Jess:
That's not fair! He selected me!

Mrs. Bhamra:
'He'?! She said it was girls!

Jess:
The coach, Joe.

Mrs. Bhamra:
See how she lies? I don't want you running around half naked in front of men, huh? Look how dark you've become, playing in the sun!

Jess:
But I'm really good!

Mrs. Bhamra:
Who will want a daughter-in-law who can kick a football all day but can't make round chapattis? Now exams are over, you'll learn full Punjabi dinner! Meat and vegetarian!

Jess:
But, Dad...

Mrs. Bhamra:
No! This is where you spoil her! This is how it started with your niece, the way that girl would answer back and she ran off to become a model wearing small, small skirts!

Jess:
Mum, she's a fashion designer!

Mrs. Bhamra:
She's divorced, that's what she is! Cast off after three years of being married to a white boy with blue hair! Her poor mother hasn't been able to set foot in that temple since. I don't want the shame on my family. That's it! No more football!

Mr. Bhamra:
Jessie, your mother is right. It's not nice. You must start behaving like a proper woman. OK?

...

Jess:
Anything I want is just not Indian enough for 'em! I never bunked off school for those daytimers like Pinky or Bubbly. [Note:Who is Bubbly?] I don't wear make-up or tight clothes. They don't see that!

Tony:
Parents never see the good things.

Jess:
Anyone can cook aloo Gobi, but who can bend a ball like Beckham?

Tony:
Just play and don't tell them. Pinky's been sneaking off for years to see Teets, NW they're getting married and nobody cares. What your parents don't know won't hurt. [Hands her a tissue]

Jess:
Why should I have to lie? It's not like I'm sleeping around with anyone!

Jules:
Jess! Hello! I thought you'd be here.

Jess:
This is Tony. This is Jules from the team.

Tony:
Jess is well made up with your team.

Jules:
We've got high hopes for her, especially me.

Jess:
My mum doesn't want me to play any more.

Jules:
That's bollocks! My mum's never wanted me to play. You can't take no for an answer. Yeah, but my sister's getting married so Mum and Dad are stressed out. I won't be able to get to training and matches.

Jules:
Come on, Jess. You can't leave me alone out there. Joe has an American scout coming over. Don't worry about your mum. Just say you got a summer job. I could put in a good word for you at HMV with me. So, now we've got that sorted, show me what your fella can do!

[Jess and Tony speak almost simultaneously]

Jess:
He's not my boyfriend!

Tony:
I'm not her boyfriend! [Tony clears throat and runs along with Jules kicking a ball]

Jules:
Jess, come on! Are you playing?!

...

Mrs. Bhamra:
Jessie! Breakfast!

Jess:
Nah, I'm in a hurry!

Mrs. Bhamra:
You can't go to work on an empty stomach.

[In the changer room after practice]

Jess:
My mum and dad ain't got a clue.

Teammate:
They don't know you've been playing?

Jess:
Not at all.

Teammate:
Where do they think you are?

Jess:
At work, at HMV.

Mel:
That's not on.

Jess:
Indian girls don't play football! It's not just an Indian thing. How many people support us?

Teammate:
Are you promised to someone?

Jess:
Nah. My sister's getting married. It's a love match.

Mel:
What's that mean?

Jess:
It's not arranged.

Teammate:
So, could you choose a white boy?

Jess:
White, no, black, definitely not, a Muslim, eh-eh!

Teammate:
You'll marry an Indian, then!

Jess:
Probably.

Teammate:
How can you stand it?

Jess:
It's just culture. Why sleep with boys you aren't going to marry?

Teammate:
That's the best bit!

Teammate:
Yeah, you should know!

Teammate:
Are you ready to go?

Jules:
See you slags later!

[Jess has collapsed on living room couch]

Jess:
Mum, I'm starving. I worked through my lunch hour today.

Mrs. Bhamra:
Where's Pinky? She was supposed to pick you up so you wouldn't be late for Poli. Pinky, why didn't you pick your sister up from work, huh?

Pinky:
I went but the manager said I'd just missed her.

Mrs. Bhamra:
OK, Poli's on her way. I'll make you girls some tea.

[Pinky has taken Jess aside in the living room]

Pinky:
Who is he, then?

Jess:
Who?

Pinky:
You must think I've got sh*t for brains, lying about a job and that!

Jess:
Don't tell Mum and Dad. I kept Teet a secret for you.

Pinky:
He's not a Muslim, is he?

Jess:
Ssh! I've been playing football for a women's team.

Pinky:
Huh? It's worse than I thought!

Jess:
It's a tournament with real matches!

Pinky:
What is wrong with you, Jess? At least lie for something good! Don't you want a boyfriend like everyone else? You're quite pretty you know. Do your hair, some make-up, you'd look all right.

Mrs. Bhamra:
Leave her alone. I never wore make-up until after I was married. Jessie's a good girl now. She helped me wash all the net curtains and she made lovely aloo Gobi last week.

Tailor:
[Measuring Pinky] Waist, 25. Under bust, 28. Bust. 34 and a half.

[Pinky grabs measuring tape and tightens it]

Mrs. Bhamra:
Eh, that's too tight and rude!

Pinky:
No, Mum, I want my choli more fitted. That's the style, innit?

Tailor:
and a half.

Pinky:
No, tighter!

Tailor:
OK!

Mrs. Bhamra:
How are you going to breathe?

Jess:
Mum, why do I have to wear a sari? It will just fall down!

Mrs. Bhamra:
Your first sari is when you become a woman. Sari blouse and petticoat.

Tailor:
So bust. 27.

Jess:
That's too tight. I want it looser.

Mrs. Bhamra:
Dressed in a sack, who's going to notice you, huh?

Tailor:
Don't worry. In one of our designs, even these mosquito bites will look like juicy mangoes!

[All women laugh except Jess]

Tailor:
Under the bust, 31. The waist. 31.

Jess:
I need to buy shoes to go with the sari and the suits.

Pinky:
Come again?

Mrs. Bhamra:
She's coming into line now!

Jess:
I can pay for one pair. Can you pay for the other?

Mrs. Bhamra:
You need one black, and one white, to go with everything.

[Mrs. Bhamra is watching an Indian karaoke show]

Mr. Bhamra:
Can you change the channel, please?

Mrs. Bhamra:
It's nearly the end.

Pinky:
Mum, she's back!

Mrs. Bhamra:
You've been gone all day for two pairs of shoes! Come here!

Jess:
It's not that late. I was looking at other things like... handbags, too.

Mrs. Bhamra:
Let's see 'em!

Jess:
Not yet. I'll try them with the suits. [Jess starts to run up the stairs and Pinky follows her, grabs shopping bags and dumps it besides their mother with their father raising hands to somewhat chastise, and their mother has grabbed Jess' shirt collar]

Mrs. Bhamra:
Cigarette? Have you been smoking?

Jess:
No!

Mrs. Bhamra:
Chi chi chi, Cigarette! [Smacks Jess' face]

Jess:
I needed the loo so I went into a pub with my friend. I had a coke. Smell my breath!

Mr. Bhamra:
[Smells Jess] She might be right.

Mrs. Bhamra:
[Looks at black shoes] These don't have a heel! How will they fall nicely with your sari?

Jess:
I'll take them back.

Mrs. Bhamra:
[Discovers footballs shoes] Football shoes!

...

[Jess is doing situps with the team for practice]

Jules:
But you can't give 'em back.

Jess:
I need shoes for the wedding now.

Jules:
Come over to mine. I'll sort you out.

Joe:
Come on, girls! Wake up!

Jess:
God! My mum had a fit when she saw the boots! And I smelt like a bleedin' ashtray! I had to clean all the big saucepans.

Joes:
Yak, yak, yak, yak! Jess! Is everything all right?

Jess:
Yes, coach.

Joes:
Am I interrupting your cosy little conversation?

Jess:
No, coach.

Joe:
Good. Than I want five more laps round the pitch! Elbows to knees as you go!

Jules:
Joe, that is totally out of order!

Joes:
Hey! I don't remember telling the rest of you to stop!

Joe:
Move it! You're doing very well. Keep it up for another two minutes. Good, Mackie! Good, Sally! Excellent! Excellent!

...

Joe:
[Calling across the field] Jess! You can stop now! Stop! You're doing yourself an injury!

Jess:
I'm ok. I've just got one more lap.

Joe:
I said stop! Let's have a look at you.

Jess:
It's nothing!

Joe:
Sit down. Let me decide if it's nothing. Why didn't you tell me you'd twisted it?

Jess:
I didn't want you to think I'm not as strong as the others.

Joe:
That's stupid, Jess. Look, my dad was my coach. Scouts told him that I was too slight to play, so he kept pushing me. That's how I screwed my knee.

Jess:
Your dad made you?

Joe:
I wanted to show him I wasn't soft, so I tried to play injured. He was a bit of a bastard anyway.

Jess:
You shouldn't say that about your dad.

Joe:
You don't know my dad. All right. Come on. Good. Now put your weight on me. There you are.

...

[Jules presents shoes to Jess]

Jess:
Oh, my God!

Jules:
Just give 'em back after the wedding. My mum loves them. She stuck the bows on herself.

Jess:
Thanks. You sure she won't miss 'em?

Jules:
Nah. Listen... I hope Joe wasn't too hard on you. Some of the girls think he's too strict.

Jess:
No, he was really nice, just really professional.

Jules:
I love that picture. It was after we beat Millwall last year. You got to see this. It's wicked!

[Turns on TV]

TV announcer:
W.U.S.A. soccer!

Jess:
Wow! W.U.S.A.

Jules:
Incredible! We've nothing like that over here.

...

Jules:
When are you going to tell your parents about your game?

Jess:
I don't know.

Jules:
You can't keep lying. You're too good.

Mrs. Paxton:
Cooey!

Jules:
Hide the shoes!

Mrs. Paxton:
Sweetheart!

Jules:
Up here, Mum.

Mrs. Paxton:
Oh, it's hot out there! Oh! Got company! Hello, love.

Jules:
Mum, this is Jess.

Mrs. Paxton:
Jess? Is that Indian?

Jess:
It's really Jesminder, but only my mum calls me that.

Mrs. Paxton:
Oh, that's nice. Jesmin-dah. Lovely! Well, Jesmin-dah, I bet your room at home doesn't look like this! Great big butch women on the wall!

Jules:
Thank you, Mum, I'm not old like you!

Mrs. Paxton:
Jess, I hope you can teach my daughter a bit about your culture, [grabs Jules knees and starts shaking her] including respect for elders and the like, eh? Cheeky madam! Well, Jess... I expect your parents are fixing you up with a handsome young doctor soon. Pretty girl like you...

Jules:
Mum! Stop embarrassing yourself!

Mrs. Paxton:
What? Just being friendly! You don't mind, do you, love? Of course not! Now, are you a friend from school or work?

Jules:
She's a footballer. She's on the team with me. [Mrs. Paxton's face becomes intimidated]

...

Jules:
"Jesmin-dah"!

Jess:
Did you see her face, though?!

Jules:
Juliet!

Jess:
Jesmin-dah! What WAS that? Ooh!

Jules:
Are you all right?

Jess:
Oh, Jesus! Jules... You know Joe, do you like him? Nah, he'd get sacked if he was caught shagging one of his players.

Jess:
Really?

Jules:
I wish I could find a bloke like him. You know, that wasn't off limits. Everyone I know's a prat. They think girls can't play as well as them, except Joe, of course.

Jess:
Yeah, I hope I marry an Indian boy like him, too. [Jules bursts out laughing] What?

Jules:
I'm sorry!

Jess:
Shut up!

...

[Jess walks into house with family sitting in living room looking offended at Jess]

Teetu's father:
We're not trying to cause trouble. We felt it our duty to tell you.

Mr. Bhamra:
You know how hard it is for our children here. Sometimes they misjudge and start behaving like the kids here.

Teetu's mother:
All I know is that children are a map of their parents.

Pinky:
You stupid flippin' cow!

Mrs. Bhamra:
You've ruined your sister's life! Happy now?

Pinky:
The wedding's off 'cause of you!

Jess:
Me? Why?

Mrs. Bhamra:
They saw you being filthy with an English boy!

Jess:
I wasn't with any English boy!

Pinky:
They saw you at a bus stop kissing him! Why couldn't you do it in secret like everyone else?

Jess:
Kissing? Me? A boy?! You're all bloody mad!

Mr. Bhamra:
Jesminder, don't you use those swearing words!

Jess:
I was at the 120 bus stop today but with Juliet. My friend. She's a girl, and we weren't kissing or anything for God's sake!

Mr. Bhamra:
[Points to painting on living room wall] Do you swear on Babaji's name?

Jess:
I swear on Babaji's name.

Mrs. Bhamra:
Sometimes these English girls have such short hair... You just can't tell.

Mr. Bhamra:
They must have made a mistake.

Mrs. Bhamra:
His parents are just making an excuse. We were never good enough for them.

Pinky:
No, I bet she was with some dykey girl from her football team! She's still been playing you know! She ain't got no job! She's been lying!

Mrs. Bhamra:
Why have I two deceiving daughters? What did I do wrong in my past life?

Pinky:
But she's ruined my life!

Mrs. Bhamra:
Don't think I didn't knew you were sneaking out with that good-for-nothing Teetu as well! [Laments in Punjabi]

Joe:
I'm sorry to barge in on you like this, but I wanted to talk to you in person. I only found out today that you didn't know Jess was playing for our team.

Mrs. Bhamra:
No, we didn't.

Joe:
I apologise. If I'd known, I would have encouraged Jess to tell you because I believe she's got tremendous potential.

Mr. Bhamra:
I think we know better of our daughter's potential. Jess has no time for games.She'll be starting university soon.

Jess:
But playing for the team is an honour!

Mrs. Bhamra:
What bigger honour is there than respecting your elders?

Jess:
Mom!

Mr. Bhamra:
Young man, when I was a teenager in Nairobi, I was the best fast bowler in our school. Our team even won the East African Cup. But when I came to this country, nothing. I was not allowed to play in any of the teams, and the bloody goras in their clubhouses made fun of my turban and sent me off packing!

Joe:
I'm sorry, Mr. Bhamra, but now it's...

Mr. Bhamra:
Now what? Our boys aren't in the football leagues. You think they will let our girls? I don't want you to build up Jesminder's hopes. She will only end up disappointed, like me.

Jess:
It's all changing now. Nasser Hussein is captain of the English cricket team and he's Asian.

Mrs. Bhamra:
Hussein is a Muslim name, their families are different.

Jess:
Oh, Mum!

[Joe is speaking to Jess outside her house]

Joe:
We've been invited to play in Germany this Saturday. It's a shame you'll miss it.

Jess:
Wow! Germany!

Joe:
I can see what you're up against, but parents don't always know what's best for you.

[Joe is waiting outside shuttle van at the airport and Pinky has pulled up letting Jess out]

Pinky:
You know the score, yeah?

Jess:
Yeah, call them twice a day. My sister's covering for me. We're supposed to be at my cousin's in Croydon.

Joe:
I didn't hear that!

[After playing football, Jess is in her hotel room calling her mother]

Jess:
Mum, we're fine. We're cooking...

Jules:
Pasta!

Jess:
..pasta! I'd better go... Pinky's burning it! OK, say hi to Dad, yeah? OK. Bye, Mum.

Mrs. Bhamra:
Good. They sound happy. Pinky will meet someone new and Jessie will forget all about this football nonsense.

Mr. Bhamra:
The dinner's ready?

Mrs. Bhamra:
[speaks Punjabi] But let me wash up first.

Mr. Bhamra:
[Reading the newspaper, he has learned that Jess' team is playing abroad] Call her back in Croydon. I want to speak to them.

[Mrs. Bhamra asks why in Punjabi]

Mr. Bhamra:
I said I want to speak to them!

Mrs. Bhamra:
Ok, Papa.

...

Jess:
Oh, I didn't bring anything for a club. I didn't know they wanted to take us clubbing. I bet it's to gloat!

Jules:
Mel? We need some help.

[Jess has stepped outside hotel with the whole team and Joe waiting for a taxi]

Team:
Jess! Oh, wow! You look good! Does she look good? Yeah! You've done a good job!

[Joe notices Jess in a taken kind of way and then suddenly gets serious]

Joe:
Let's get a taxi.

[Joe is sitting by himself at the nightclub and Jules comes over]

Jules:
Hello, darling!

Joe:
How's Jules?

Jules:
I'm fine. How are you? Are you gonna dance with me, then?

Joe:
No.

Jess:
Come on! Dance with me! Oh, you're such a wuss!

Jess:
I'm sorry I missed that penalty, coach.

Joe:
It's OK. Losing to the Jerries on penalties comes natural to you English! You're part of the tradition now.

Jules:
Enough about football. You're dancing with me!

Joe:
No!

Jess:
Go on!

Joe:
I'm not taking no for an answer!

[Joe is looking somewhat violated being somewhat pulled by Jules]

...

[Joe has left the club with Jess]

Jess:
That was so brilliant the way you came to my house. You were brave enough to face my mum! Your dad can't be as bad as her!

Joe:
Your mam's a barrel of laughs compared to me dad! I don't need to feel close to my family, Jess. I don't need you to feel sorry for me.

[Jules has just shown up as Joe and Jess are having a kiss]

Juless:
You b*tch!

Jess:
Sh*t! Jules.

Joe:
Jules!

[Jess leaves the shuttle van at the airport, Jules storms out of the van silently and Jess sees her parents and Pinky waiting at a distance]

Mel:
Are you alright Jess? Is that her mum and dad?

[Jess' parents are having a sombre moment, sitting on Jess' bed]

Mrs. Bhamra:
What haven't we done for these girls, huh? [Rattles off a grocery list of all the things they've bought for Jess and Pinky]

Jess:
Pinks... How do you know Teets is the one?

Pinky:
I just know. When you're in love with someone, you'd do anything for that person.

Jess:
Pinks, do you think Mum and Dad would still speak to me if I ever brought home a gora?

Pinky:
Who?!

Jess:
No one. I'm just saying.

Pinky:
It's that coach bloke innit! I knew something was up when he turned up here!

Jess:
Nothing's happened.

Pinky:
Well, make sure it doesn't, all right? You can marry anyone you want. It's fine at first when you're in love and all that but do you want to be stared at, by every family that do because you married the English bloke?

Jess:
He's Irish.

Pinky:
Well, they all look the bloody same to them, innit? Why go to so much grief when there's so many good-looking Indian boys to marry? Now, they wear good clothes, got flashy jobs and even know how to cook and wash up! Hey, how bout that Tony? He's been mad on you for ages!

Joe:
Your parents didn't look too pleased yesterday. Have you come to tell me you're off the team for good?

Jess:
It's not fair. I'm either going to let the team down or piss them off, and I don't want to upset anyone.

Joe:
Why are they so frightened to let you play?

Jess:
They want to protect me.

Joe:
From what?

Jess:
This is taking me away from everything they know.

Joe:
Whose life are you living, Jess? If you try pleasing 'em for ever, you're gonna end up blaming 'em.

Jess:
What, like you?

[Joe puts on a dejected face]

Jess:
I'm sorry.

Joe:
No, you're right. I stopped talking to my dad because we had nothing to talk about. Spent a year getting pissed trying to forget about the game, but I couldn't.

Jess:
Yeah, but I can't just stop talking to them, like you.

Joe:
I don't talk to my dad because I know what he'd say. He'd piss himself if he knew I was coaching girls!

Jess:
How do you know that? How do you know he wouldn't be proud that you didn't just give up? You should be proud of what you've given all of us.

Joe:
Then why are you giving up?

Mrs. Paxton:
Jesmin-dah, isn't it?

Jess:
Jesminder.

Mrs. Paxton:
Jesminder. You know, I made a lovely curry the other day! [Leads Jess to Jules bedroom and Jules is lying in her bed] Oh, you still not up? Guess who's come to see you. It's your Indian friend, from football. Jules has been ever so down since you lost in Germany. Maybe you can cheer her up. Want some tea? I've made cheese straws with real Gruyere.

Jules:
It's OK. Jess won't be staying long.

Mrs. Paxton:
Well, just give us a shout downstairs if there's anything you two fancy, all right?

Jess:
Look, I feel really bad about what happened.

Jules:
Yeah, well, you should.

Jess:
I'm sorry. I don't want you to be in a strop with me.

Jules:
I'm not in a strop!

Jess:
Look, it was a mistake. I didn't know what I was doing!

Jules:
I can't believe you kissed him!

Jess:
I didn't!

Jules:
Well, yeah, right! Jess, I know what I saw! You knew he was off limits! Don't pretend to be so innocent. You knew exactly how I felt about him!

Jess:
You said you didn't like him and now your acting like your in love with him!

Jules:
You don't know the meaning of love! You've really hurt me, Jess! That's all there is to it! You've betrayed me! [Mrs. Paxton is eavesdropping at the bottom of the stairs]

Jess:
So that's it?

Jules:
Yeah, that's it. Bye!

Jess:
Do you fancy me, Tony?

Tony:
I like you, yeah...

Jess:
Maybe we can go out, then, yeah?

Tony:
Jess, what's going on?

Jess:
I think I need an Indian boyfriend.

Tony:
What's going on? You're acting all weird.

Jess:
Sorry. You know my coach, yeah?

Tony:
Yeah.

Jess:
I nearly kissed him in Germany.

Tony:
Wow! And that's why you need an Indian boyfriend?

Jess:
Well, Jules likes him, too, and now she hates me.

Tony:
Look, Jessie. You can't plan who you fall for. It just happens. I mean, look at... Posh and Becks.

Jess:
Well, Beckham's the best.

Tony:
[chuckles] Yeah! I really like Beckham too.

Jess:
Well of course you do. No one can cross a ball or bend it like Beckham

Tony:
[shakes head] No, Jess. I really like Beckham.

Jess:
What? You mean... [incredulous scoff] But you're Indian! God, what's your mum gonna say?! My sister thinks you're mad about me!

Tony:
I am! I just don't want to marry you.

Jess:
[Looks at football boys] What would those tossers say if they knew?

Tony:
Jess, you're not going to tell anyone?

Jess:
'Course not. It's OK, Tony. I mean, it's OK with me.

Tony:
Yeah, well, you fancying your gora coach is OK with me. Besides... he's quite fit!

...

[Jess is pretending to be sick and is outside the house with the family getting in the car]

Jess:
Be back by three.

Pinky:
I can't keep 'em at the temple all day.

Jess:
I owe you big time!

Mrs. Bhamra:
Go to bed.

Jess:
Bring me back some langar!

Mrs. Bhamra:
Chi chi chi, we're going to pray to God to give you both some sense, not bring back food!

[When the family leaves, Jess whips off her bathrobe, wearing her football kit and starts running off down an alleyway, Mr. Bhamra has come back to the house to get something and realizes that Jess is not in the house]

...

[Tony and the football boys are watching Jess team play through binoculars]

Football boy 1:
They don't all look like lezzies, do they?

Football boy 2:
Lads! Check out the b*obs on the captain! [Referring to Mel]

Football boy 3:
Jeez, man, they must get in the way!

Football boy 4:
She's lucky she ain't knocked herself out! Running up and down the pitch with them!

Tony:
Why can't you lot just see them as footballers?

Football boy 4:
Pfft! [They all laugh except Tony and some spectators behind them seem to laugh too and Mr. Bhamra has come by and taken a seat in the stand]

...

[An opposing team player has grabbed Jess' shirt and swung Jess down]

Jess:
What you playing at?

Opposing team player:
Piss off, Paki! [Jess has started a shoving match with the opposing player]

Referee:
Go away. Number 7, come here.

Mr. Paxton:
What's the matter with you, ref?

Referee:
Number 7. [Gives a penalty marker to Jess] Violent conduct towards a player.

Jess' teammates:
No! You can't do that! You haven't seen any of it, have yah? It's out of order!

Football boy 1:
She is so hard!

Football boy 2:
Oh, man! Unlucky, Tony, mate!

...

[Joe is disciplining Jess in the changer room]

Joe:
What the hell's wrong with you, Bhamra?! I don't ever want to see anything like that from you ever again! We're lucky they're not suspending players from this tournament! Excellent! We've got QPR in the final. Three cheers - hip, hip!

Team:
Hurray!

Joe:
Hip, hip!

Team:
Hurray!

Joe:
Hip, hip!

Team:
Hurray!

Joe:
Brilliant!

[Jess is silent the whole time, when Joe leaves, Jess suddenly gets up and follows Joe]

Jess:
Why did you yell at me like that? You knew the ref was out of order!

Joe:
You could have cost us the tournament!

Jess:
But it wasn't my fault!

Jess:
You didn't have to shout at me!

Joe:
I'm your coach. I have to treat you the same as everyone else

Joe:
Look, Jess. I saw it. She fouled you. She tugged your shirt. You just overreacted, that's all.

Jess:
That's not all. She called me a Paki. But I guess that's something you wouldn't understand.

Joe:
Jess, I'm Irish. Of course I understand what that feels like.

Mr. Bhamra:
Jesminder?

...

[Jess and Mr. Bhamra have walked into their house with Teetu's parents and Mrs. Bhamra in the living room]

Mrs. Bhamra:
Oh, here he is. Tejinder's mother and father have come to speak to us.

[Jess walks up house stairs to Pinky at the top, watching Teet's parents in living room]

Jess:
What's happening?

Pinky:
Teet's mum and dad have come to eat dirt. Stupid cow. I don't know who she thinks she is in that sari!

Teetu's mother:
No mother can stand by and watch her son go through this.

Mrs. Bhamra:
Well, our Pinky didn't come out of her room for days. She was crying.

Teetu's mother:
Our Teetu also. For days he ate and drank nothing!

Jules:
Mel said you wanted to see me.

Joe:
It's about Jess.

Jules:
I don't want to talk about Germany, Joe.

Joe:
Listen...

Jules:
Whatever! I'm over it! I don't know why I was surprised! You only think about yourself! Everyone knows you're leaving us next season!

Joe:
Nothing's been decided.

Jules:
Bollocks! You've already lied about the American scout. He's not coming, is he? You can't bear the idea of anyone else making it because you can't!

Joe:
He's coming to the final.

Jules:
What?

Joe:
He saw you play in Germany.

Jules:
I thought...

Joe:
Don't worry about it.

Mr. Paxton:
The teriyaki sauce is the goalkeeper.

Mrs. Paxton:
The teriyaki sauce.

Mr. Paxton:
The posh French mustard is the defender.

Mrs. Paxton:
The posh French mustard.

Mr. Paxton:
The salt is the attacker.

Mrs. Paxton:
The sea salt.

Mr. Paxton:
The sea salt is the attacker. Now, when the ball's played forward, the sea salt has to be level with the mustard.

Mrs. Paxton:
[To just arrived Jules] Hello, darling.

Mr. Paxton:
Now concentrate. Offside, onside.

Mrs. Paxton:
Offside, onside.

Jules:
What are you doing?

Mrs. Paxton:
Well, if the mountain won't come to Mohammed...

Jules:
What?

Mr. Paxton:
Don't laugh. I'm trying to teach your mother the offside rule.

Mrs. Paxton:
I've decided that I've got to take an interest or I'm going to lose you. This way we can all enjoy football as a family. Right. So, don't tell me. The offside rule is... ...when... ...the French mustard... has to be between the teriyaki sauce and the sea salt.

Mr. Paxton:
She's got it! Got it! Wonderful!

Jules:
Have you read all these as well?

Mrs. Paxton:
Yeah. Oh, and do you know what? One of those England girls' players is a math's teacher as well, and she's happily married with a baby!

Jess:
Why are you doing this to me, Joe? Every time I talk myself out of it, you come around and make it sound so easy.

Joe:
I guess I don't want to give up on you.

Joe:
You're lucky... to have a family that cares that much about you. I can understand you don't want to mess with it.

Jess:
Joe...

Joe:
And I don't fancy being busted by your dad again. You better get back.

[Jules family is walking into car with Mrs. Paxton wearing an oversized hat]

Mr. Paxton:
Let's hope she fits in the car with that hat on. We're going to a football match, not Ascot! You look lovely.

[Pinky is walking slowly down a pathway]

Wedding camera man:
Eyes down! Look sad! Don't smile! Indian brides never smile. You'll ruin the bloody video!

Indian girl:
She looks like a jar of bloody Ragu, innit?

Pinky:
Where's the flippin' Rolls? Can't anything happen without me?!

[Tony has pulled Jess from the wedding]

Jess:
What are you doing?!

Tony:
We can make the second half if we go now.

Jess:
My mum and dad will go spare! I wouldn't ruin it for them.

Tony:
They won't even notice.

Jess:
I can't! Look how happy they are. I wouldn't want to ruin it for them.

Mr. Bhamra:
What are you going to ruin?

Jess:
Nothing Dad.

Tony:
It's the final of the football tournament. I can drive there. Pick up her kit along the way. It won't take long.

Jess:
Stop it, Tony. It doesn't matter. I don't want to spoil the day for you and Mum.

Mr. Bhamra:
Pinky is so happy and you look as if you're at my funeral.

Jess:
I'm sorry, Dad.

Mr. Bhamra:
If this means I'll see you smiling on your sister's wedding day, then go now, but when you come back, I want to see you happy on the video. Play well and make us proud.

Jess:
Joe! What's happening?

Joe:
Start warming up, Bhamra. We're one-nil down, half an hour to go.

...

[Jules is riding in the back of her parents car with an ecstatic mood and her parents are looking gloomy]

Jules:
I can't believe it! It was amazing! My eyes just glazed over! What a game for him to see! It's incredible! Santa Clara! It's in California! It's one of the top teams! He said he'd give us a full scholarship so you'll pay nothing! Oh, it's so amazing! Me and Jess there together, the pair of us!

...

[Jules parents are sitting in the living room]

Mr. Paxton:
Come on, Paula.

Mrs. Paxton:
I'm not blaming you but it is the football. It is!

Mr. Paxton:
Come on, darling. Come on. [Jules goes bounding to the front door]

Jules:
I'm off, then!

Mrs. Paxton:
Sweetheart, where are you going in your best trousers?

Jules:
Out.

Mrs. Paxton:
Where? Who with?

Jules:
I'm meeting Jess at her sister's wedding to celebrate.

Mrs. Paxton:
Wait! I'll take you.

Jules:
Oh, thanks, Mum! God, it's so colourful. Everyone looks brilliant! Look at the car!

...

[Mrs. Paxton has walked up to Jess at Pinky's wedding reception]

Mrs. Paxton:
How could you be such a hypocrite? How could you be all respectful here with your lot when you've been kissing my daughter in broad daylight?! Hmm? [Mrs. Paxton looks down at Jess' shoes] Get your lesbian feet out of my shoes! [Mrs. Paxton steals Jess' shoes]

Old Indian woman 1:
Lesbian? Her birthday's in March.

Old Indian woman 2:
I thought she was a Pisces.

Old Indian woman 3:
She no Lebanese. She Punjabi!

Pinky:
Do you mind? This is my wedding!

...

Pinky:
What's that gora going on about you being a lezbo? I thought you fancied your coach!

Jess:
I don't know what she was saying!

Pinky:
Don't you want all of this? Isn't this the best day of your life, innit?

Jules:
What were you thinking?!

Mrs. Paxton:
I saw you with my own eyes! You were kissing after your match! I'm not stupid, you know! And anyway, look at the clothes you wear!

Jules:
Mother, just because I wear trackies and play sport does not make me a lesbian!

Jules:
Me and Jess were fighting because we both fancy our coach... Joe.

Paula:
[pause] Joe, a man, Joe?

Jules:
[exasperated] Yeah, as in male, Joe! Joe, our coach, Joe, man, Joe!

...

Jules:
Anyway being a lesbian's not that big a deal

Paula:
Oh no of course not sweetheart no. I mean I've got nothing against it. I was cheering for Martina Navratilova as much as the next person.

Old Indian woman 1:
What was that English woman saying?

Old Indian woman 2:
Why was she talking about kissing?

Mrs. Bhamra:
She got confused like Teetu's parents. It's so hard when young girls have such short hair.Maybe we were making too much noise. English people are always complaining when we're having functions.

Old Indian woman 1:
Why did she take Jesminder's shoes?!

Joe says to jes "I like your skin"

Joe:
How do you know she's serious, I haven't got time to piss around here.

Jules:
She's got balls, Joe. At least watch her.

Jess:
sorry Jules I have to save my rizz for baby Gronk

Jules:
:(

Jess:
sorry Jules I have to save my rizz for baby Gronk

Jules:
:(

Cow massager:

n*gger