Big Daddy

Julian:
But after my nap I always watch the Kangaroo Song.

Sonny:
It's overtime right now and there's a penalty shot about to take place. This happens about once every ten years so...

Julian:
Kangaroo song, kangaroo song,kangaroo song,KANGAROO SONG!

Sonny:
ALLLRRIIIGGGHTT! God you were normal yesterday!

Sonny:
Having a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking.

Vanessa:
He has a five year plan.

Sonny:
What is it? "Don't die"?

Layla:
So two guys you were best friends with in law school fell in love with each other?

Sonny:
Yeah.

Layla:
Is that strange for you?

Sonny:
Uh, nothing changed really. They watch a different kind of porno now.

Layla:
This is Styx.

Sonny:
Yeah.

Layla:
They've been my favorite band since I was, like, twelve.

Sonny:
You're kidding me?

Layla:
No, no, I can't help it, I just love them. My friends make fun of me all the time.

Sonny:
My friends make fun of me all the time, too. I've seen them, like, twenty-five times. Tommy Shaw, when I was, like, sixteen years old, I was at the concert, he actually reached out and grabbed my hand, pulled me up on stage, and I got to do the robot voice for Mr. Roboto!

Sonny:
The kid just won't quit peeing and throwing up. He's like a cocker spaniel.

Sonny:
I had a mother all lined up for Julian but she's bangin' the Pepperidge Farm guy and this kid is always around! He won't stop peeing and throwing up, he's like a cocker spaniel.

Sonny:
Don't worry about me making money. I'm in love with a woman who makes plenty of it. She could be my sugar mamma.

Homeless Guy:
I gotta get me one of those.

Sonny:
Hey, the money I won in the cab accident is kicking ass in the stockmarket right now.

Sonny:
Julian, what do you want?

Julian:
Thirty packets of ketchup.

Sonny:
I'm going through a rough patch in my life right now. Syracuse is 0 and 3. I got those medical problems.

Vanessa:
Medical problems? A cab runs over your foot 2 years ago, you spend one night in the hospital.

Sonny:
First of all that cab was huge. And a jury decided that one night of pain was worth two hundred thousand dollars, so there ya go.

Sonny:
Hey, you stay away from the frozen food section. Your b*obs'll harden.

Corinne:
What's this I hear about you doing laundry with my sister?

Sonny:
Did she say we were doing laundry? Because where I come from, it's called "doing the hibbidy-dibbidy."

Sonny:
Congratulations! You and "Big B*obs" McGee are gonna get along just fine.

Kevin:
Don't call her "Big B*obs" McGee.

Sonny:
You're going to explain to your kids that you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters?

Kevin:
Sonny that was five years ago! She's a doctor now, and my fiance. So from now on, Dr. "Big B*obs" McGee.

Sonny:
Hi, Julian! How ya doin'? I'm Scuba Sam, Scuba Steve's father. You see, my boy needs to take a bath, the only problem is he's afraid to bathe alone. So, I was wondering if you'd keep him company in the tub.Terrific, and after your bath, you need to try and study hard because if you want to be in the Scuba Squad, you have to be smart.

Julian:
I can be in the Scuba Squad?

Sonny:
Well sure! All you have to do is work hard and don't tell a soul about the Scuba Squad because then everybody's gonna wanna join! Oh, and one more thing! Be nice to the Delivery Guy, will ya? It's not his fault he can't read.

Corinne:
We wasted the good surprise on you!

Sonny:
Say "Happy Halloween".

Reluctant Trick-or-Treat Giver:
Happy Halloween.

Sonny:
Yeah, next year be prepared!

Homeless Guy:
Sonny was real nice to the kid. Wish my father was like him. My father was a military man. Guess I wasn't such a good soldier. Anyways, when I was 35, he tried to give me a crew cut while I was asleep. I woke up, broke his arm, haven't seen him since. I'd rather live in a dumpster then under his freaky ass rules! (Notices a McDonald's bag in Sonny's hand) Anyways, I think Sonny Koufax should be acquitted of all the charges. If O.J. can get away with murder, why can't Sonny have his kid? (points at a black man) This guy knows what I'm talking about! No more questions!

Ted Castellucci:
Objection, Your Honor! The court is interested in the truth, not the opinion of the defendant's father.

Lenny:
You want my opinion? My son is a moron.

Ted Castellucci:
I withdraw my objection. Please proceed!

Julian:
How come you're not going?

Sonny:
Because I don't have to go. Only you and my grandfather go every thirty seconds.

Julian:
Electricity! Constitution! Philadelphia!

Nazo:
Fish! Pony! Hip, Hip Hop, Hip Hop anonymous? Damn you! You gave him the easy ones.

Julian:
...but I wipe my own ass, I wipe my own ass!

Sonny:
I'm working on a big case: I'm gonna sue you a**holes for making me come down here.

Sonny:
My God, that's a sh*t load of piss.

Sonny:
What's in the bag Corrine? Chicken wings? Booby tassles?

Sonny:
Have a good sleep there, Corrine. Pleasant Hooters!

Tommy:
How long have you delivered food to Mr. Koufax?

Nazo:
I deliver food for six years. Plus, I'm stripper. But I've gained weight so that's a problem.

Tommy:
I see. And, in your experience, was Sonny a good father to Julian?

Nazo:
Oh, yes. They make terrific pair. They went together like lamb and tuna fish.

Tommy:
Lamb and tuna fish?

Nazo:
Maybe you like spaghetti and meatball? You more comfortable with that analogy?

Homeless Guy:
Yes, considering we're in America. I mean, if you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, why don't you get the hell out?

Nazo:
Listen, I'll come down there and give you a crew cut, Mister.

Homeless Guy:
Let's see your clippers.

Nazo:
Not my problem your father was sick.

Homeless Guy:
That - well - -Stop yelling at me! AAAhhhhhhhh!

Nazo:
This is bullshit. Should be same rules for everyone no matter what age!

Homeless Guy:
This is America. If you don't like Spaghetti and Meatballs, then you can just get the hell out!

Sonny:
You want a father figure? Stop pulling your sister's hair!

Sonny:
You'll be missing me when you have that big white wrinkly body on top of you with his loose skin and old balls... gross!

Sonny:
I got some interesting news?

Lenny:
Oh yeah, what?

Sonny:
I kind of adopted a kid

Lenny:
What the hell are you talking about?

Sonny:
I'm talking about you becoming a grandfather, congratulations

Lenny:
And who the hell would give you a kid?

Sonny:
Social Services

Lenny:
You idiot, you better give that kid back

Sonny:
His mother's *screams at Julian* "Hey Buddy, go play with them pigeons over there" I tried to give him back, I just, I just, I just can't! , I need your help I'm in a bad way right now, Vanessa dumped me, I don't know what the hell I'm doing

Lenny:
You damn right you don't know what the hell you doing

Nazo:
I had a doll like that once but my cat bit his head off.

Julian:
What kind of cat would do that?

Nazo:
Are you calling me a liar?

Sonny:
Okay, what do you want?

Julian:
Cheerios.

Sonny:
Cheerios? They don't got Cheerios. What else?

Julian:
Lasagna.

Sonny:
Lasagna? What the hell is the matter with you? Um, we'll take hot cakes and sausage...

Employee:
Sorry, sir, we stopped serving breakfast.

Sonny:
What are you talking about? We're FOUR seconds late.

Employee:
No, you're 30 minutes and four seconds late. We stopped serving breakfast at 10:30.

Sonny:
Aw, HORSESHIT!

Sonny:
What do you eat?

Julian:
Food.

Sonny:
Oh yea? Well I eat food too.

Waitress:
Hey, cutie! What are you doing here?

Julian:
Watching football.

Waitress:
Oh yea, who do you want to win?

Julian:
The Goddamn Jets.

Sonny:
Man this Yoohoo is good, you know what else is good, smoking dope. I ain't gonna rat you out. You know, puffing the cheeba, go by the see saw smoke a j. You know what I'm talking about?

Jared:
I have a belly button.

Sonny:
You have a belly button, well we all have belly buttons. You know what? We all love Yoohoo, especially Yoohoo with a little rum.

Jared:
What's rum?

Sonny:
You don't know what Rum is?

Jared:
Rumplestilskin?

Sonny:
Rumplestilskin's a good man. So are you guys. Hey, stay clean, stay focused, stay strong. Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.

Cashier:
Hi, welcome to McDonald's. What can I get for you?

Sonny:
What do you want?

Julian:
Cheerios.

Sonny:
Cheerios, they don't got Cheerios, what else?

Julian:
Lasagna.

Sonny:
Lasagna? What the hell's the matter with you? We'll take hotcakes and sausage.

Cashier:
Sorry, sir. We stopped serving breakfast.

Sonny:
[looks at the clock on the wall] What are you talking about? We're 4 seconds late.

Cashier:
No, you're 30 minutes and 4 seconds late. We stop serving breakfast at 10:30.

Sonny:
AW, HORSESHIT! [Julian starts crying] No, no. Don't cry, I wasn't cursing at you. I was cursing at the lady.

Customer:
Nice parenting.

Sonny:
Hey, thanks. Are you my therapist? [throws the man's fries] Take a walk! [to Julian] Do you want a Happy Meal? Can I get you one of those Happy Meals? You got a Happy Meal? Can we get a Happy Meal? WILL SOMEBODY GET THE KID A HAPPY MEAL?!

[later, Sonny and Julian leave McDonald's; they meet up with the homeless man again]

Homeless Man:
Hey, man, where's my Egg McMuffin?

Sonny:
Breakfast is over at 10:30.

Homeless Man:
Really?

Sonny:
Yeah.

Homeless Man:
I thought it was 11:00.

Sonny:
I thought that too.

Homeless Man:
Total mind blower.

[Julian hands Sonny a video cassette]

Sonny:
What's this?

Julian:
The Kangaroo Song.

Sonny:
All right. Great. That's terrific. And we're gonna watch this after the game, okay?

Julian:
But after my nap, I always watch The Kangaroo Song.

Sonny:
It's overtime right now, and there's a penalty shot about to take place. This happens, like, once every 10 years.

Julian:
Kangaroo Song. Kangaroo Song. Kangaroo Song! KANGAROO SONG!

Sonny:
ALL RIGHT!!! God! You were normal yesterday!

Waitress:
What are you doing in here, cutie?

Julian:
Watching football.

Waitress:
Who do you want to win?

Julian:
The god damn Jets.

Waitress:
[laughs] Have fun.

Sonny Koufax:
[about two gay friends] What's the big deal? They're the same guys — they just watch a different kind of porno now.

Sonny Koufax:
Vanessa, you're a HOOTER'S girl?

Sonny Koufax:
[drops a can in a supermarket] Dented cans are half-price. Microsoft went down 3 points. We gotta save some money.

Phil:
[Discussing a case of his to Sonny, Mike, and Tommy] So, now my client's out $7 million, and all we can sue for is "breach of contract."

Sonny:
Well, then, maybe you should try suing under the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.

Phil:
...I gotta get back to the office, Sonny, you're the king! Mikey, pleasure. [To Tommy] I'll see you at home.

Tommy:
Alright. [They kiss deeply. Mike is somewhat bothered, Sonny keeps a neutral face.]

Phil:
I'll walk you out.

Mike:
[After Phil and Tommy leave holding hands] I gotta admit, I still get a little weirded out when they kiss.

Sonny:
Why? They're gay, that's what gay guys do.

Mike:
I know, but they were just like brothers to us back in school.

Sonny:
Well, they're still like our brothers, only our very gay brothers.

Kevin:
Sonny, what was that all about?

Sonny:
Hey, congratulations on getting engaged to "Big B*obs" McGee.

Kevin:
Don't call her "Big B*obs" McGee.

Sonny:
You want to tell your children that you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters?

Kevin:
Sonny, that was five years ago, she's a doctor now. And my fiancé, so from now on...Dr. "Big B*obs" McGee.

Sonny:
I just wish that things could go back to the way they used to.

Kevin:
Like when we were at Syracuse? And Vanessa worshipped you?

Sonny:
Yes, yes, that was great.

Kevin:
Nobody was hassling you to get a job, Tommy and Phil were showering separately. [Sonny chuckles and nods] Those were the days. [Sonny goes to the putting green on their rooftop] What're you doing?

Sonny:
If I make this putt, it means that Vanessa still loves me just the way I am.

Kevin:
Oh, you're gonna putt? Just remember, the roof breaks to the right.

[Sonny makes the putt]

Sonny:
Yes! That's what I'm talking– [A rat comes out of the hole] GOOD GOD!

Kevin:
That can't be good.

[Corinne is cleaning the decorations from the party the previous night, Sonny staggers out of bed]

Sonny:
Hey, where's Kevin?

Corinne:
Oh, he already left. I guess he forgot to say goodbye.

Sonny:
And what are you doing here?

Corinne:
I'm cleaning because you're useless.

Sonny:
Is that why you're gonna go to your Hooters reunion? Sit with the other girls and talk about whose ass hangs out of their shorts the most?

Corinne:
At least I can still fit my ass into my shorts, fatty.

Sonny:
[Pulls a container of Chinese leftovers out of the fridge] Speaking of fatty, whose is this?

Corinne:
I don't know.

Sonny:
I'm eating it, then.

[Sonny, Nazo, and Julian watch TV. Sonny notices the action figure Julian has]

Sonny:
What's this guy's name?

Julian:
Scuba Steve.

Sonny:
I like his flippers. Does he ever take them off?

Julian:
No.

Sonny:
How about when he goes bowling? They don't make him wear bowling shoes, he just uses his flippers?

Julian:
Yes.

Sonny:
Really?

Nazo:
I had a doll like that one time. But then, my cat, he bite its head off.

Julian:
[Confused] What kind of cat would do that?

Nazo:
[Turning confrontational] You calling me a liar?!

[Sonny sits on his couch, preparing to watch a hockey game. Julian comes in bouncing on a hippity-hop, then keeps bouncing in front of the TV, blocking Sonny's view of it]

Sonny:
How're you doing?

Julian:
How're you doing?

Sonny:
You like hockey?

Julian:
You like hockey?

Sonny:
This is a very important game.

Julian:
This is a very important game.

Sonny:
Cut the crap.

Julian:
Cut the crap.

Sonny:
I'm being serious, don't do that.

Julian:
I'm being serious, don't do that.

Sonny:
[Very fast] How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

[Julian stops bouncing, unable to repeat him]

Sonny:
Yeah, that's what I thought, shut up.

[Sonny's meeting with his family and friends at Hooter's for his surprise birthday party]

Julian:
Sonny, I beat you so bad at basketball yesterday.

Sonny:
Well, then, I guess I better stop letting you win.

Kevin:
I stopped letting him win six weeks ago, he still beat me.

Sonny:
Well, that's because you suck.

Kevin:
Oh, yeah, that's it.

Sonny:
Hey, Corinne. Put on a tank-top for old times' sake, huh? C'mon! [Corinne gives him a look]

Julian:
What's he talking about, mommy?

Corinne:
[Smiles knowingly to Sonny] NOTHING...[everyone laughs]

Sonny:
[To a passing Hooters waitress] Hey, can we get some curly fries? [The waitress turns to Sonny, showing it's...] Vanessa?

Vanessa:
...Hi, Sonny.

Sonny:
You're a Hooters girl? What happened to Sid's five-year-plan? [Vanessa glances over to the kitchen. Sonny looks at sees Sid working there. He waves to them] Hey. Maybe it's a ten-year-plan.

Julian:
Is that the guy with the old balls?

Sonny:
[laughs] Yeah, I guess it is. [Vanessa gives an angry look and walks away] Oh, come on, I bet they're nice. Awww...[To Julian] Next time, don't say "balls". "Testicles", alright?