Big Fat Liar

Jason Sheperd:
Remember me? I wrote "Big Fat Liar".

Tow truck driver:
I was told to pick up a little blue car, but they didnt tell me about a little blue man.

Grandma Pearl:
Who's there? I gotta gun!

Brett:
It's just Kaylee grandma.

Grandma Pearl:
Kaylee? My you've gotten so tall, and muscular

Kaylee:
I wanna see a broken man people. I mean broken as in 'I hit a baseball through the window' broken. I want you to turn him into mince meat, and I don't even know what mince meat is! I want him to cry for his mommy! Wah!, Wah! mommy, mommy, mommy!

Kaylee:
So, I was watching the 'Charmed" on the WB last night, and when Alyssa Milano was about to cast a spell on her cute demon boyfriend, I had the biggest panic attack ever! I forgot to give you Dunkan's new address.

Darren:
Peace out little 'G'

Darren:
Boo ya!

Marty Wolf:
You can take your personal day in a year or two when your dead!

Marty Wolf:
Kid, you should of had a fake doctor's note, changed your dad to your sister, and the meatball to a chicken leg.

Jaleel White:
[on the set of Whitaker and Fowl, talking to his co-star, a chicken] Listen, Whitaker, I'm not your sister, I'm not your girlfriend and I'm not your priest. So, if you wanna remain my partner, I got two words for you, shut the heck up! You talk way too much! OK, can we cut? Can we... cause this, this ain't workin' for me at all. What are you, doing, are you fumigating me or something!

Marty Wolf:
Move! Why did you call "cut"? I did not tell you to stop acting, Urkel!

Jaleel White:
Wolf, how many times have I told you NOT to call me Urkel?!! My name is Jaleel White, OK? Urkel was a character I played when I was a child!

Marty Wolf:
Okay, "Jaleel"! What's the problem, huh?

Jaleel White:
You want to know the problem? You wanna know the problem? I'm getting nothing from the chicken, that's the problem. He just sits there with his head all slumped over. I have absolutely no idea what my motivation is!

Marty Wolf:
Okay, well you're a police officer named Fowl.

Jaleel White:
Mmm-hmmm.

Marty Wolf:
Your new partner is a crime fighting chicken named Whitaker. And your motivation is a nice fat pay check that's keeping you from working at the drive-thru window at McDonalds!

Jaleel White:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa! Watch yourself, Wolf, watch yourself!

Marty Wolf:
No, you watch yourself, pal! You're just lucky I'm not making you wear the freaky glasses and suspenders.

Kaylee:
What's with the Cokes?

Jason Shepherd:
The machine! It's rigged! They're free! Haha, they're free!

Jason Shepherd:
As much as I wanted to write my paper, I mean I really really wanted to write my paper I couldn't and it's because I spent all last night in Greenbury General Emergancy room. See, my mom made Swedish meatballs for dinner. It'd my dad's favorite and he was so excited he accidently swallowed one whole. It was awful. He started choking, his face turned purple.The meatball was litterly bulging out of his neck. We rushed to the ER. I kept trying to write my paper in the waiting room but it was too hard. I needed to be by my father's side. After all he's the only dad I got.

Mrs. Phyllis Caldwell:
You are lying through your teeth, you little demon.

Marty Wolf:
Let go of the monkey.

Jason Shepherd:
Call my Dad.

Marty Wolf:
Never.

Jason Shepherd:
Yes.

Marty Wolf:
NOOO!!! Ah! That's it, kid! It's over! You lose, and I win!

Jason Shepherd:
I don't think so, Wolf.

Marty Wolf:
Oh, you don't think so? Come on, Jason. You're smarter than that. You write a story, I steal it, and now I'm about to start shooting the greatest movie of my career.

Jason Shepherd:
So you admit you stole my story?

Marty Wolf:
We've been over this. It's ancient history. Yeah, I stole your story, whoop-de-doodle-do! You happy now? I STOLE JASON SHEPHERD'S PAPER AND TURNED IT INTO BIG FAT LIAR! You know who's listening, pal, hmm? No one. And they never will. So for the last time, give it up, because I will never, ever, ever, like never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, infinity, tell the truth. [blows raspberry]

Jason Shepherd:
Because the truth's overrated, right?

Marty Wolf:
That's right!

Director:
And cut!

Kaylee:
What's with the Cokes?

Jason:
The machine! It's rigged! THEY'RE FREE, HAHAHA, THEY'RE FREE!!

Jason Shepherd:
(screaming at the TV during an interview with Marty Wolf) Yeah, from my BACKPACK, YOU LOSER!!!

Jason Shepherd:
See it? I think I WROTE it.

Jason Shepherd:
So you admit you stole my story.

Jason Shepherd:
I think we can confirm here we're dealing with THE MEANEST MAN ALIVE!

Jason Shepherd:
The truth, it's not overrated.

Kaylee:
But you are a liar.

Marty Wolf:
Grow up Shepherd! This is Hollywood baby. It's a dog-eat-dog town. Worse. We got cats eatin' cats. We got fish munchin' fish. We play by our own rules.

Marty Wolf:
[After picking up his stuffed monkey while dancing to "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran.] Let's dance, Funnybones!

Marty Wolf:
[After finding out, in his mirror, that his whole body is blue] [screams in horror] OH, MY GO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OD!!!!!!!!

Marty Wolf:
You can take it from me, the truth, it's overrated.

Marty Wolf:
I'm gonna GET YOU, SHEPHERD!!!

Marty Wolf:
Hey, where do you think you're going? YOU CANNOT TURN YOUR BACKS ON ME! I'M MARTY WOLF!! All right, fine! FINE! YOU'RE ALL FIRED!!!

Marty Wolf:
Let's punch a hole in the sky, Grandpa Go, GO, GOOOOH!!! Let's get a tail wind behind this bird, old-timer.

Marty Wolf:
It's showtime.

Franklin "Frank" Jackson:
I got some R-rated dialogue for you. But I'm a-keep it PG. I'm gonna keep it PG.

Franklin "Frank" Jackson:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you just say "Marty Wolf"?

Franklin "Frank" Jackson:
Know him?! I used to drive him. He fired me last year.

Franklin "Frank" Jackson:
Who's the bad actor now, Wolf?! Those tears were real!!

The Masher:
[repeated line] OH MY GOD!

Dusty:
I told you, Wolf. The only way to make this picture is to have twelve different camera angles with birds flying around. Oh, and by the by, Confucius say, uh... KA-STANG! You're busted!

Frank:
Fur coat king of the Midwest, my butt! I got some R-rated dialogue for you, but I'm gonna keep it PG. I'm gonna keep it PG. You owe me $100 for yesterday's ride.

Kaylee:
Well, maybe we--

Frank:
You almost cost me my job.

Jason:
Frank, I'm sorry. I can explain.

Frank:
[imitates a car engine stalling] Azitatatatatata! Ya hear that?

Jason:
I just--

Frank:
Azitatatatatatata!

Kaylee:
If we could--

Frank:
I don't wanna hear it, okay?

Kaylee:
I know, I just--

Frank:
Azita, azitatatatata!

Jason:
If you just--

Frank:
Azita, azitatatatata!

Kaylee:
I--

Frank:
Azita!

Kaylee:
I--

Frank:
Azita! Azitatatatatatatata!

Jason:
I'm sorry. It's just we came out here to get even with this guy Marty Wolf. Because he... he stole my story...

Frank:
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jason:
And he's making it into this big movie.

Frank:
Did you just say "Marty Wolf"?

Jason:
Yeah, you know him?

Frank:
Know him? I used to drive him. He fired me last year.

Kaylee:
Why?

Frank:
I'm an actor, see? [shows his headshot photo] Right? And I made the mistake of asking him if I could audition for one of his movies. He could've said "no" and not let me audition, right? But instead, he takes my headshot, writes "loser" across my forehead, and then faxes it to every casting director in town.

Kaylee:
You poor thing.

Frank:
If you guys wanna mess with Wolf, I got your back.