Billy Madison

Brian Madison:
Remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade? Rock: r-o-k?

Billy Madison:
Yeah, so what's your point?

Brian Madison:
r-o-C-k!

Billy Madison:
Ohhh yeh! The c is silent.

Billy Madison:
No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? this girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.

Juanita:
Ooh that boy's a fine piece of work all right. He's a fine piece of ass though, too.

Lunch Lady:
Have some more sloppy joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.

Billy Madison:
Lady, you're scaring us.

Frank:
I think Billy and his girlfriend are playing water polo.

Jack:
Maybe they're playing Marco Polo. Marco.

Frank:
Polo. Man, that was a great game.

Frank:
Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

Billy Madison:
Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?

Frank:
1974.

Billy Madison:
Meg Ryan.

Principal:
Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Principal:
Okay, a simple no would've done just fine.

Billy Madison:
I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.

Juanita:
If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.

Billy Madison:
Oh my God. I'll go to school.

Billy Madison:
Sometimes I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.

Billy Madison:
Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

Frank:
When I graduated from first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job.

Billy Madison:
Oh my God, Old Man Clemens hates sh*t.

Frank:
Shh, here he comes.

Old Man Clemens:
Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara, it's one of those flaming bags again.

Old Man Clemens:
Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one's outta control.

Old Man Clemens:
Eck, poop again.

Billy Madison:
He called the sh*t "poop".

Frank:
This is the best night of my life.

Old Man Clemens:
I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die.

Veronica Vaughn:
No milk will ever be our milk.

Knibb High Principal:
Any attempt to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, and I am just gonna snap.

Carl:
I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.

Eric:
Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.

Carl:
I'm sorry.

Eric:
Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Karl?

Brian Madison:
Oh, Billy Billy boy. When are you gonna find what ever it is you're looking for?

Billy Madison:
Here's a nice piece of sh*t.

Billy Madison:
Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.

Billy Madison:
YES. You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants.

Billy Madison:
OOH. That is the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's Go.

Billy Madison:
Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool? Really.

Billy Madison:
Stop looking at me, swan.

Bus Driver:
That Veronica Vaughn is one hot piece of ass, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean.

Billy Madison:
No, you don't.

Bus Driver:
Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her GOT IT ON. WOOO-EEEE.

Billy Madison:
No they didn't.

Bus Driver:
No, No, they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they, eh, eh... everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful, NO YELLING ON THE BUS.

Clown:
Hey, kids, it's me. I bet you thought that I was dead. But when I fell over I just broke my leg and got a hemorrhage in my head. HA HA HA.

Billy Madison:
Billy-Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that f***ing dog.

O'Doyle (Grade 12):
O'Doyle rules.

Billy Madison:
O'Doyle, I've got a feeling your whole family's going down.

Juanita:
I thought I was your snack pack.

Billy Madison:
No!

Billy Madison:
Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?

Billy Madison:
Couch. C-O-U-C-H!

Billy Madison:
I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!

Bus Driver:
HEY! Who thew that? I'll turn this damn bus around. That'll end your PRECIOUS little field trip pretty damn quick, eh?

Billy Madison:
Well, I made the duck blue because I'd never seen a bluse duck before and I wanted to see one.

Miss Lippy:
Well, I think it's an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade.

Billy Madison:
Wow, Miss Lippy, that's great. What do you think of the Mr. Blue Duck?

Billy Madison:
That's quacktastic.

Billy Madison:
I guess that snack pack is pretty good huh?

Billy Madison:
Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana?

Billy Madison:
You know how how hard I could beat you?

Billy Madison:
Oh Veronica Vaughn! So hot! Want to touch the hiney! Arrroooooooo!

Billy Madison:
Kid can't even read

Ernie:
Cut it out dude your gonna get us in trouble.

Billy Madison:
T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!

Brian Madison:
Billy, I've got some important news for you.

Billy Madison:
ERIC, IS PREGNANT?

Mrs von mrs von someone stoled or lunchs. Who would steal 30 bags of lunchs. I ll tell you who what damn sastunch

Veronica Vaughn:
Who would steal 30 bagged lunches?

[The scene cuts to show the bus driver, Jack and Frank eating the kids' lunches]

Old Lady:
I'll tell you who took those lunches. That damn Sasquatch!

[Billy is faking sick so he can skip school. He lays in bed with a mouth thermometer he heated with his desk-lamp]

Billy:
I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.

Juanita:
If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits! (laughs)

Billy:
[disgusted] Oh, my God! I'll go to school!

Bus Driver:
Get on the bus here. Move it. Get up there. Kyle. 1, 2, 5, 7. Move it or lose it. Get on the bu-s Hi, Ms. Vaughn. Nice to see ya. [stops Billy] That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass. I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean.

Billy:
No, you don't.

Bus Driver:
Well, not me personally, but a guy I know ... him and her got it on! Whoooooo-eeeeee!

Billy:
No, they didn't.

Bus Driver:
No, no, no they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right? Huh? Huh? [Billy gets on the bus] Everybody on? Good. Great! Grand! Wonderful! [closes the door, yelling]: NO YELLING ON THE BUS!

Dan:
[stuttering while reading] Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl ... who wa-a-an-

Billy:
Pffft! Kid can't even read.

Ernie:
Cut it out dude, you're gonna get us in trouble.

Dan:
An air-air-air-p-p-p-p-plane f-f-flying t-t-t ...

Billy:
T-t-t-today, Junior! Ha-ha-ha!

[Veronica Vaughn sends Billy out of the classroom, the kids laugh]

Billy:
[overreacting dramatically] OW!! YOU'RE TEARING MY EAR OFF!!

Veronica:
Making fun of a little kid trying to read! Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?

Billy:
I'm sorry I can't hear you, I've been physically abused in the ear.

Veronica:
You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I'm gonna fail you. End of story. [leaves]

Billy:
[under his breath] I see your lips moving, but I can't make out the words. I'm deaf! Ohh, Veronica Vaughn. Soooo hot! Want to touch the hiney! [howls]

3rd Grader:
Hey, look everybody! Billy peed his pants!

Billy:
Of course I peed my pants! Everybody my age pees their pants; it's the coolest!

3rd Grader:
Really?

Billy:
YES! You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants.

3rd Grader:
Hey, look! Ernie peed his pants, too. All right!

Old Lady:
If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

Billy:
Oh! That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life! LET'S GO!!!

Scotty:
Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis is the best video game ever.

Billy:
I disagree. It's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best video game ever.

Scotty:
Donkey Kong sucks!

Billy:
You know somethin'? YOU SUCK!

Lunch Lady:
Have some more Sloppy Joes. I made 'em EXTRA sloppy for yous! Ha, ha, ha! I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy! [laughs evilly]

Billy:
Lady, you're scarin' us!

[Everyone including Billy burst out laughing]

Billy:
H-hey! Look at all this milk! You want some of this milk?

Veronica:
That milk belongs to that classroom.

Billy:
Oh, they don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk.

Veronica:
No milk will ever be our milk.

Billy:
Ooh, that wasn't very nice. How 'bout you, Sideburns? You want some of this milk?

Janitor:
I'd rather have a beer.

[first lines]

Billy:
[singing while relaxing in his pool] Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! [makes a smiley face with his sunblock] Smiley!

Veronica:
You know some people have no will power, no ambition. They just drift through life like lumps of crap.

Jack:
What is she talkin' about?!

Frank:
Well, this is great! When I graduated 1st grade all my dad did was tell me to get a job! Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?

Billy:
Maybe later.

Frank:
I'll go put some beer in a bucket.

Billy:
Okay.

Brian:
Oh Billy, Billy boy, when are you going to find whatever it is you're lookin' for?

Billy:
Here's a nice piece of sh*t! Old man Clements hates sh*t! He's gonna freak, when he realizes it's sh*t!

Brian:
Billy, it wasn't just high school. Do you remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?

Billy:
Oh, no you didn't.

Brian:
Rock ... R-O-K.

Billy:
Yeah, so what's your point?

Brian:
R-O-C-K!

Billy:
The 'C' is silent, ha-ha!

Billy:
Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember! What's today?

Frank:
October?

Billy:
It's Nudie Magazine Day!!

Principal Anderson:
[on TV] The statement I made about Billy Madison was and is completely untrue.

Eric:
No.

Principal Anderson:
I know now that shall never escape my fate as the Revolting Blob.

Eric:
No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! [angrily throws a stapler, and it hits his secretary, accidentally knocking her out]

Principal Anderson:
It's something I must learn to live with.

Eric:
Joyce?

Brian:
What a mess. First, this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it, and now Eric's secretary is in a coma. Carl, has anyone been able to find out anything about this Max guy?

Carl:
No, sir. He's vanished.

Eric:
[to Brian] I believed in Billy all along.

Billy:
[to Eric] Oh, cut the horseshit! I know you blackmailed Max.

Brian:
Take it easy, Billy. Things were going along great, until this wrestling freak messed things up. Billy should get another shot at high school.

Eric:
Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the 2 weeks, or I get the company. He didn't finish 9th grade.

Carl:
Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances.

Eric:
Extenuating, exshmenuating! We had a deal. A signed, written deal. Each grade, 2 weeks, or I get the company.

Brian:
Well, technically, you're right, but--

Eric:
Oh, shut up, Brian! I've had to listen to your jawing for too long. [mimicking Brian] "Well, technically, mmeh-mmeh-mmeh--" [normal voice; loudly] Just SHUT UP! [gets up] Are you ready to hand the company over to me now?

Brian:
No!

Eric:
Then I'll see your ass in court.

Brian:
Good.

Eric:
Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads. Hhhheh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

12th grade O'Doyle:
[after stuffing Billy's locker with manure] O'Doyle rules!

Billy:
O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family's going down. But for now, I gotta study.

Dan:
Hey, I dare you to throw your sandwich at the bus driver. Do it. Come on.

[Kyle throws his sandwich at the bus driver]

Bus Driver:
HEY!

Veronica:
Hey, who threw that?

Bus Driver:
I'll turn this damn bus around. That'll end your precious little field trip pretty damn quick, huh? You little...

Knibb High Principal:
Mr. Madison, what you've just said was one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Billy:
Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine. [sits back in his seat]

Knibb High Principal:
[to Billy] You remain one point ahead. [to Eric] Mr. Gordon, it is your turn. [to Billy] Mr. Madison, choose the topic.

[Billy examines the topic chart]

Billy:
I choose "Business Ethics".

Knibb High Principal:
[draws a question card] Mr. Gordon, the American business environment has fundamentally changed, following the insider trading and savings and loan scandals. Explain business ethics and how they're applied today.

Student in the audience:
Booo!

[Eric gets out of his seat and approaches the microphone]

Eric:
The, uh... ethics of, uh... business can be summarized in...

Student in the audience:
Booo!

Eric:
See, ethics are, uh... Y'know, the... the thing about ethi-- [completely loses it] GAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

[Eric whips out a revolver in a fit of rage and kicks down the microphone. Everyone panics and flees]

Eric:
[angrily] That question was not fair! That was not in the reading! I demand a new question.

Billy:
[smugly] Take it easy, psycho. You blew it, you lose.

Eric:
[turns to Billy] I oughtta blow you away, you miserable...

Billy:
Well, go ahead and do it!

Billy Madison:
I'm sorry. I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear!

Billy Madison:
I see your lips movin', but I can't make out the words! I'm deaf! Oh, Veronica Vaughn ... Soooo hot ... want to touch the hiney ... (howls)

Billy Madison:
It's nudie magazine day!

Billy Madison:
It's too damn hot for a penguin to be walking around here.

Billy Madison:
All the people at the zoo are real nice, Mr. Penguin. They'll treat you real respectable like.

Billy Madison:
He said "poop"!

Billy Madison:
Tits!

Billy Madison:
Well, I could think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would include a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety's sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.

Billy Madison:
I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before, and to be honest with you, I wanted to see a blue duck.

Billy Madison:
That's quacktastic! Quack, quack, quack!

Billy Madison:
Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank.

Billy Madison:
Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?

Billy Madison:
JUST DO IT!!

Billy Madison:
You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just GIVE ME A SNACK PACK?!?!

Billy Madison:
(after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house) (drunkenly) Oh. I see what's going' on in here. (penguin waves at him) So sorry to interrupt! (turns to Veronica) Proceed!

Billy Madison:
You ain't cool, unless, you pee your pants! Everybody my age pee their pants; it's the coolest!

Billy Madison:
(after Ernie hangs up the phone) YOU BLEW IT!!

Billy Madison:
Chlorophyll?! More like BORE-O-PHYLL! Right?

Billy Madison:
I choose Business Ethics.

Billy Madison:
Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?

Billy Madison:
(at dodgeball period) Now you're all in big, big trouble!

Billy Madison:
(to high-school classmate) No, I will not make out with you!

Billy Madison:
An accident? What's that mean? (notices Ernie wet his pants) GYOO!!!!

Billy Madison:
You, me, Jack and Frank are gonna go around Putting sh*t on people's doorsteps and we gonna sets it on fire!

Billy Madison:
Man, I'm glad I called that guy!

Billy Madison:
Alright you got it 1st grade through 12th grade all over again. I'll do each grade in 2 weeks, take the test, re-graduate, prove to you i'm not a idiot, and i get to take over Madison Hotels.

Principal Anderson:
What do I care about some stupid, phony wrestling guy?

Principal Anderson:
The statement I made about Billy Madison was and is completely untrue. I know now, that I shall never escape my fate as the Revolting Blob. It's something I must learn to live with.

Old Man Clements:
It's one of those flaming bags again!

Old Man Clements's wife:
Don't put it out with your boots, Ted!

Old Man Clements:
Don't tell me my business, devil woman! Call the fire department; this one's out of control![stamps out flaming bag] Yuck! It's POOP again! I'll get you damn kids for this! You're all gonna die!!