Black Dynamite

Foxxy Mama:
Welcome to Massa's Fried Chicken. How may I take your order?

Black Dynamite:
Now why don't you tell Black Dynamite what that secret formula is?

Foxxy Mama:
You know I can't tell you that, daddy. Mr. Massa will fire me.

[Black Dynamite raises his eyebrow. The next scene shows Foxxy Mama riding Black Dynamite cowgirl style]

Foxxy Mama:
Oooh! Salt, white pepper, black pepper, parsley, rosemary, thyme, savory sage, garlic powder...

Black Dynamite:
Yeah mama. Just one more. Gimme that 11 herbs and spices, baby. Come on.

Foxxy Mama:
I feel like my whole world is shaking!

[the room vibrates and the bedroom mirror shatters]

Black Dynamite:
Wait a minute, mama! [Pushes Foxxy out of bed] That ain't me shakin' your world this time! [Grabs gun] Dammit, I was one spice away! [Looks out the window] Who is this interrupting my seduction?

[Black Dynamite sees a helicopter and jumps out toward it, kicking the pilot out]

Dennis Flynn:
That's what I'm talking about! Black Dynamite, you haven't changed a bit, man!

Black Dynamite:
Dennis Flynn! The only cool cracker I have ever met in the CIA! What are you doing here?

Dennis Flynn:
Is there somewhere quieter we can talk? We're inside a chopper! And I can't stop looking at your dick!

Black Dynamite:
To what do I owe this visit, Dennis Flynn? And why are you here?

Dennis Flynn:
[Turns on slide projector] Fifteen years ago, the school system in this country was totally in the bomb dropper.

Black Dynamite:
You mean the shitter.

Dennis Flynn:
Exactly.

Black Dynamite:
Go on.

Dennis Flynn:
Personnel was scarce and funds were tight. So the CIA started a covert op designed to educate kids with hardly any money or people.

Black Dynamite:
Hmm... the puppet show.

Dennis Flynn:
That's right, Black Dynamite. This is TF Kurtis, a.k.a. That Frog Kurtis. One of the most outstanding educators this country ever produced.

Black Dynamite:
That Frog Kurtis made me the moral citizen I am today. He taught me all them important sh*t like 'flim is not given a hoot' and 'if anyone can prevent forest fires, it's me'.

Dennis Flynn:
I know that, Black Dynamite. [Extinguishes cigar] That's why I'm here. Now our Intel suggests that That Frog Kurtis has gone rogue.

[Shocked look on Black Dynamite's face]

Dennis Flynn:
We don't know what he's planning, but we do know it's big. And it's scheduled to go down tomorrow at 7 a.m. on national TV. We need you to stop him before it's...

Black Dynamite:
What part of the phrase, 'Black Dynamite ain't f***in' with you honkies from the CIA no more,' is it you honkies from the CIA don't understand?

Dennis Flynn:
This isn't about the honkies, Black Dynamite! It's about the children.

Black Dynamite:
You know what, Dennis Flynn? I never told nobody this, but I used to be a children.

Black Dynamite's Daddy:
Now I could lie to you and say, 'I'm just goin' out for a pack of cigarettes.' But the truth is, I'm leavin' you to raise eight-year-old Black Dynamite by yourself. Now dig it while you can, because the light just turned muthaf***in' green. Bye, b*tch!

Black Dynamite:
Dennis Flynn, I just got one question. Can you tell me how to get... to Puppet Street?

Black Dynamite:
Cream Corn, Honeybee, Bullhorn, I appreciate you all makin' the time to roll with me on such a short notice.

Honeybee:
Mmm, you know I'll do anything for yo sexy ass.

Cream Corn:
It's cool, B.D. I needed to get out my mama's house anyway. She was cold to ribbon. She got me some, 'Cream Corn, take out the trash! Cream Corn, clean up your room!' I'm like, 'Mama, b*tch, pimps don't do chores!'

Bullhorn:
Black Dynamite, I know you got the warm and fuzzy for Puppet Street. But tonight, we might be wearing their asses on our muthaf***in' feet.

[Black Dynamite and his gang are tied up, and TF Kurtis makes his appearance]

Black Dynamite:
That Frog Kurtis?

TF Kurtis:
No! It's That King Pimp Kurtis now, muthaf***er! Ribbit, muthaf***er! Ribbit! And I guess you're supposed to be that supernigga Black Dynamite!

[Stone cold look on Black Dynamite's face]

TF Kurtis:
So-so-so-so-so-so-so-so, so it's not true?

Black Dynamite:
No, it is true. It's just that no puppet ever called me a nigga before. Now what kind of diabolical dirt are you planning with these kids?

TF Kurtis:
Oh, I got your diabolical dirt right here [points at crotch] . Diabolical these nuts [grabs crotch] in yo face! [Snaps fingers, then pauses] I know you hear me snappin'! I know you hear me snappin'!

[Two girls appear, handing TF Kurtis some dollar bills]

TF Kurtis:
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait a minute, ho. What's this? You know my money's supposed to be folded, not rolleded, b*tch! [Throws rolled money at girl on left]

Cream Corn:
Man, you ain't pimpin'! Those little itty bitty children are kids! Where yo b*tches at?

TF Kurtis:
These kids my goddamn b*tches. I make you my b*tch too, if you keep runnin' yo muthaf***in' mouth! You ever been slapped across the muthaf***in' face by with a frog dick, huh?

Cream Corn:
Oh hell no! You ain't no...

[TF Kurtis slaps Cream Corn across the face with his penis, causing him to scream]

TF Kurtis:
What was that? I couldn't hear that sound. It sounded like you had a frog dick in your mouth.

Black Dynamite:
Why, That Frog Kurtis? Why?

TF Kurtis:
Why? Why? You know, I think it's time for big Black Dynamite to learn a little lesson.

TF Kurtis:
Now listen to Froggy, baby. [laughs] 'Cause you all know, you know that I know, that That Frog Kurtis is a...

Black Dynamite:
Jive-ass muthaf***a!

TF Kurtis:
Wait, Black Dynamite! Come on now, come on. What puppet taught you every lesson you learned?

[Black Dynamite grabs TF Kurtis by the neck]

TF Kurtis:
I got to, I got to out and pee in a minute. Your daddy wasn't there for you, Black Dynamite? Your daddy wasn't there for you, Black Dynamite?

[Black Dynamite suddenly sees flashbacks of his father leaving him and his mother]

TF Kurtis:
You and me are like one! Don't let The Man pit us against each other!

[TF Kurtis reaches for a knife behind him, but Black Dynamite sees it and breaks his arm before giving him a headbutt - causing the Puppet Show to go on station break. The show goes back on air, but with a broken TF Kurtis puppet on screen]

Black Dynamite:
[impersonating TF Kurtis] Black Dynamite, thank you for coming on the Puppet Show as my special guest and best friend. And you kids can forget about everything That Frog Kurtis was saying. I was in make-believe land, but Black Dynamite took me out of it. Right, kids?

[Girl in crowd screams]