Bonanza

[Hoss reluctantly agrees to serve as a temporary deputy sheriff]

Deputy Sheriff:
I'll swear you in. Do you?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
I do.

Deputy Sheriff:
You are.

[running gag]

Ben Cartwright:
Hey, Joe, do you know the difference between a table and an ottoman?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Sure I do.

Ben Cartwright:
Then take your feet off the table!

[Hoss rolls his eyes]

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
He'll never learn to do that.

Adam Cartwright:
Let's go back to the Ponderosa, Pa. This isn't any of our affair.

Ben Cartwright:
We can't ignore the rest of the world. We're the only stabilizing influence in the country.

Ben Cartwright:
You and your education.

Adam Cartwright:
Education is progress! Now what have you got against it?

Ben Cartwright:
I don't have anything against education - as long as it doesn't interfere with your thinking!

Adam Cartwright:
Well, I think you should invest your money in a good stomach doctor because the next time you use my father or myself in another one of your distorted publicity pieces, you may end up eating the entire newspaper, including the classifieds.

Adam Cartwright:
Well, I think you should invest your money in a good stomach doctor because the next time you use my father or myself in another one of your distorted publicity pieces, you may end up eating the entire newspaper, including the classifieds

Ben Cartwright:
[to Adam and Little Joe] Brother against brother? How dare you, either of you!

Ben Cartwright:
'The agitation has not only not ceased, but augmented. In my opinion,' he says, 'it will not cease until a crisis shall have been reached and passed.' Then he says, 'A house... divided against itself cannot stand.'

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Folks around here judge a man by what he is, not what he was.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Well - I hope she gets what she wants.

Mother Veronica:
And I, Mr Cartwright, hope she gets what she's worthy of.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Anything will taste good if you're hungry enough.

Mother Veronica:
Why did you do it?

Sister Mary Kathleen:
I had to, for it was a question of strength. And I was strong, wasn't I?

Mother Veronica:
Yes - you were strong!

[last lines]

Mother Veronica:
May God bless you, Hoss.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Thank you, Ma'am.

Mother Veronica:
And now we must go on.

Ben Cartwright:
Look at it, Adam. Feast thine eyes on a sight that approacheth Heaven itself.

Adam Cartwright:
You been to a lotta places and you've seen a lotta things, Pa, but you never seen or been to heaven.

Ben Cartwright:
Well, maybe I never been to heaven... but heaven is gonna have to go some to beat the thousand square miles of the Ponderosa.

Adam Cartwright:
As long as it's ours, as long as we keep it in Cartwright hands...

Ben Cartwright:
Know anyone that could take it away from us, son?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
[to Hop Sing] Hop Sing, you know you can't do that. Why if you left here, I'd waste away to a shadow. You know that

Adam Cartwright:
[to Joe] Your French Quarter mother.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
That would be the day when anybody tried to josh with you, you Yankee granite head!

Adam Cartwright:
Next time, Miss Crabtree, pick on a man, not a boy.

Adam Cartwright:
And how do you expect to do it with that, uh, New Orleans monkey pick you got handed down to ya from your French quarter mother?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
If you weren't my brother Adam, I'd kill you for that.

Adam Cartwright:
Anytime you're ready, Little Joe, you can just forget all about us being kin.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Well you know, that'll be easy 'cause I've never been able to see myself being kin to anything welped out of a thin-nosed, blue blooded Boston Yankee!

[Adam Punches Joe]

Langford Poole:
Go home, Cartwright.

Ben Cartwright:
You tell me to go home? You, with the smell on you of the charnel house? Of flesh rotting and stinking in the sun?

Langford Poole:
You're gonna die for saying that to me, old man. You're gonna die.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
I've been wanting to make some changes around here.

Ben Cartwright:
Changes?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Well, n... not changes, sir... More like improvements. I mean like uh... well... cleaning the stable and all those fence posts above the ravine, they need to be replaced. They're all full of dry rot. You know... things like that.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Joe, what are you doing?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Robbing the bank. Come on, where in this together.

Ben Cartwright:
That's the most unbelievable cock-and-bull yarn I've ever heard! You steal the bonds from the bank because it's going broke, then you cash them, and then the bankers steal the money from you!

Ben Cartwright:
[to Hoss] What are YOU doing with a book?

Jeb Drummond:
You've got yourself an empire, ain't you Mr. Cartwright? Is it worth your boy's life? Well, is it?

Ben Cartwright:
What do you want, Drummond?

Adam Cartwright:
[to Ben] Well Pa, the way I look at it, if a man expects to get ahead in this world, he's got to use his brains instead of his back.

[last lines]

Ben Cartwright:
Billy, if I catch you standing out of line just once, I'll...

Adam Cartwright:
He'll go get the Sheriff.

Jeb Drummond:
Maybe I should have let them wranglers string you up for stealin' them three pintos.

Billy Drummond:
Three pintos? Jeb, how in the world did you ever know they were looking for three of them?

[last lines]

[referring to the Cartwrights]

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Pa, how did you ever get involved with this family?

Ben Cartwright:
I'll never know.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
...Ran into Kincaid.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Oh? Was that... uh... on purpose or... accident?

Adam Cartwright:
Mmm... It was a little bit of both. You know, I really feel sorry for Dolly Kincaid.

Adam Cartwright:
Sorry? She never had any trouble... Uh... trying to find somebody to chase after her.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
No, I think it's the other way around. I think she never had any trouble finding somebody to chase.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Well, what are you worried about, little brother? You ain't never had any trouble outrunning her.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Now, what are you trying to do, Pa? Get my mind off Dolly Kincaid?

Ben Cartwright:
That's what you wanted me to do, wasn't it?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Work? Lady, I wouldn't work for Bingham if... [Candy comes into the room, roughed up, straw in his hair] What the heck happened to you?

Candy Canaday:
[looks Cathy up and down appreciably, pointing] You said he was seventy!

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
I was wrong again. What happened?

Candy Canaday:
Well, about thirty-five very bad men hit me on the head and took that black away from me... Who's your friend?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
[looks at the bump on Candy's head] She hasn't said. She's been too busy calling me a liar. Come on, sit down.

Candy Canaday:
What are you lying about?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
I'm not lying. She just thinks I am. She's got an idea we bought that horse for Bingham.

Candy Canaday:
Bingham? [smiles at Cathy] Well now, that's gonna be very easy to straighten out. You give me a couple minutes to get cleaned up. The night's young. There's wine and music next door and when the lady's...

Cathy Fredericks:
[interrupts] Shut up.

Candy Canaday:
[turns back to Joe] She's not very friendly, is she?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
[shakes head] Nuh-uh. Now show her the bill of sale, will you?

Candy Canaday:
They got that, too.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
They got that, yeah, figures. You have any idea where they went?

Candy Canaday:
I didn't notice! I was taking a *nap*!

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
[checks downed man] He's alive.

Candy Canaday:
Ooooooh yeah, the others turn pale right off.

Sheriff Buhler:
Hey, cowboy! Don't you know who that was?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Hmm? Oh yeah! That- that's Gabriel Bingham. He likes black horses. [laughs with Candy] I got a strange feeling our exciting night in Rimville has just come and gone.

Candy Canaday:
Joe, give me another look at that bill of sale.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Well, that's just a bill of sale.

Candy Canaday:
I'm getting curious. I must have missed something when I looked at that horse.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
No. I counted. Four legs and a head.

[first lines]

[a wolf howls in the distance]

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Well, I don't see any sign of tracks.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
No, not a sign.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Look, why don't we split up and meet up by that rimrock.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
All right. Be mighty careful, Little Joe. If we get that old timber wolf all boxed in, he ain't gonna be at all sociable.

Tirza:
Spider Venom. It keeps us safe from the wolves and the wild dogs.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Colt 45 will do the same thing.

[first lines]

[Matsou prevents Lagos from scalping Ben Cartwright]

Lagos:
Why do you stop me?

Matsou:
Because I do not want to pay for the stupidity of my brother!

Lagos:
Only you think it is stupid to kill the white man!

Matsou:
I know that if you scalp a white man, the Bannocks would be blamed.

Lagos:
We have to drive them out!

Matsou:
No, my brother - they are too many and too wise. I don't like them any better than you do, but we have to learn to live with them.

Matsou:
But you are asking me much more than that! You are asking me to put down my bow and arrow and pick up an ax and plow. You are asking me to eat bread instead of meat, to wear cloth instead of leather, to live in a house instead of a wickiup. You are asking me to stop being an Indian! And I don't know if I can do it.

Bobby Dan:
We've been listenin' to your stories for fifteen years an' we don't believe none of them.

Salty Hubbard:
Well, why do you listen to 'em?

Bobby Dan:
'Cause we ain't got nothin' else to do.

Ben Cartwright:
I raised my sons to make their own decisions

Judge Scribner:
May I ask the nature of her illness?

Dr. Brahm:
Sure. It's the same illness that inflicts this entire town: FEAR!

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
What if you're wrong, Adam? Would you go out to my father's grave and say 'I'm sorry, I made a big mistake?'

[last lines]

Ben Cartwright:
One place or another, there'll always be a Mark Burdette, and for every one like him who makes it, a thousand will fail. But then, what are thousand to one odds for a man who looks up into the sky and sees... a bonanza!

Ben Cartwright:
[to Mark] Mr. Burdette, we have our own way of doing business on the Ponderosa. We pay a honest day's wages for a honest day's work and we expect the same in return. Nothing more, nothing less.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
[to Joe] C'mon Little Joe, she's not for you. Stuff your eyes back in your head, they're about to pop out.

Chief Winnemucca:
The Paiutes are strong. They do not beg. If now, Winnemucca is called woman among the council fires. Winnemucca is no woman. He thinks of his people. The ways of peace are good ways, but because the Paiutes love peace does not mean he cannot make war.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Hoss, I'd have myself a good time if you weren't here.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Yeah. Get yourself in a peck of trouble too.

Mark Burdette:
There's more than one way to strike it rich. Man can live without whisky and women, clothing and shelter, but if he doesn't eat, he dies.

Mark Burdette:
You saw what a fake I was.

Glory:
Your not a fake. Just a man reaching for the moon... or anything else a million miles away.

Adam Cartwright:
He came here to strike it rich, find a bonanza, and now he's dead.

Glory:
He found it. He found his bonanza. He found it just as he died. And that's better than never finding it at all, isn't it?

Adam Cartwright:
Yes Glory, it's better. It's better.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
You know what I think?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Couldn't be much - it takes brains to think.

Denver McKee:
Well, the boys seem happy. How 'bout you?

Miles Briscoe:
I don't like the way things are goin'.

Denver McKee:
Why? What's wrong?

Miles Briscoe:
I didn't want there to be no killin's. We decided that when we started all this.

Denver McKee:
But when you point a gun at a man, sometimes he has to go for his own. When that happens, he's got to pull the trigger. If I learned one thing as a sheriff, it was that!

Miles Briscoe:
You never learned to shoot no man in the back.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
How do you do it? You haven't been back twenty-four hours and you know every girl I've ever talked to.

Connie McKee:
I have only mentioned four. Would you like me to tell you the rest of the list?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
No, never mind. 'Course you didn't do anything when you were back East, 'cept maybe knit socks.

Connie McKee:
Well, you know very well I went to a girls school.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Mm-hmm. Only the way I heard it, there was a boys school right down the block. How long is your list?

Connie McKee:
You'll die wondering, Little Joe.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Ya see anything?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Not a thing. I think we're wasting our time.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Well, we're young, brother. We've got plenty of time.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Yeah, maybe, but as slow as it went last night, I feel like I'm ninety years old already.

Denver McKee:
All right, it's about time I started taking care of my own house. I've taken care of other people's houses for twenty years - what the devil did it ever get me? A hundred dollars a month, a lot of plaques, a pat on the back and a bullet in the shoulder!

Denver McKee:
Corey, the miner you shot yesterday, is still alive!

Harley:
I must be out of practice.

Denver McKee:
You're not out of practice - you're out of brains!

[first lines]

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Can't you load it any faster, Joe?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Can't I load it any faster?

Adam Cartwright:
Think I ought to go along, Pa?

Ben Cartwright:
Adam, this isn't really our affair.

Adam Cartwright:
Isn't it? Then why did you wire a thousand dollars to the lawyer in Los Angeles.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
[to Charlie, seeing southern California for the first time and observes it is nothing but a barren desert] It sure ain't never gonna amount to much!

Adam Cartwright:
[to Hoss]... Yeah, Little Joe warned me if I went on a trip with you I'd be eating cow fodder.

Adam Cartwright:
[to Hoss] Oh I don't think so. It's sort of like bees and honey. You and cow food just seem to go together.

[last lines]

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
What does she mean by that?

Micah Bailey:
She means if you'd be any smarter, you'd still be the second dumbest man in creation, and you're looking at the first.

Adam Cartwright:
It's a toss up.

Micah Bailey:
Charlie, get them out of my station before anything else happens.

Micah Bailey:
The only private thing out here, mister, is the hole you get buried in. And even that's liable to get disturbed by a thieving apache!

Ben Cartwright:
Well, Adam, you thought these boys would have a lot of trouble bringing that bull up here, huh?

Adam Cartwright:
I guess I was wrong, Pa. [Turns to his brothers] You sure you didn't have any trouble?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Not a bit.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Well, a little bit. Like... uh... wh-when Big Red almost got cut up into steaks by those Indians.

Adam Cartwright:
Indians?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Yeah, but that never would've happened except Little Joe was busy fighting a duel.

Adam Cartwright:
Duel?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Otherwise, I would have had to get married.

Adam Cartwright:
Married?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Yeah, but th-that was right after Hoss fought the bear.

Adam Cartwright:
Bear?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Ah, that wasn't nothing. You ought to have seen how Little Joe gunned down them two bushwhackers that tried to steal our $15,000.00.

Adam Cartwright:
Now, just a minute. Who you trying to kid?

Ben Cartwright:
[Looking at the bull] It's certainly a lot of bull.

Adam Cartwright:
[Looks at his father, then walks away from his brothers] Yes sir, it sure is.

Ben Cartwright:
Now you listen to me and you listen hard. I don't want your command. I never wanted it. But maybe you should be retired. Maybe you haven't the guts for sailing anymore. I thought you could walk proud, no matter what the storm, but look at you! Now you get up on your feet, Captain, and you walk out of here like a sailing master, or I'll knock you down again.

First Squatter:
We're just passin' through.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Well, next time you go around.

Second Squatter:
It's kind of hard to figure where your property ends and the world begins.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Well, if you have any trouble, we'll be happy to show you. The next time you want to know where the rest of the world begins, you might try asking.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
[to Sam Clemens] I don't know about that name Mark Twain. It seem to me like that I've heard a lot better names than that before. You sure that's a fittin' name for a writer?

Samuel Clemens:
Now, back a couple of months ago, I was in California, a place called Calaveras County and the folks there seemed to think that they wanted to hold a, sort of a... a little frog jumping contest.

Minnie Billington:
Yeah, I heard about it. You're the fellow who thinks up all that junk. Signs himself Josh.

Bill Raleigh:
Are you afraid "The Enterprise" won't print any story you happen to dig up?

Samuel Clemens:
You know, I had a little bet with myself that you'd go along with me.

Bill Raleigh:
Sam, this is a newspaper, not a comic strip - you come up with a story, and "The Enterprise"ll print it!

Judge Jeremy Clarence Billington:
Ah, my dear, today you are the epitome of feminine pulchritude.

Minnie Billington:
Don't you talk dirty to me, Jeremy Billington!

[first lines]

Adam Cartwright:
You take this bunch on in. I'll look over that hill over there to see if I can find anymore.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
You'll be along after that?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
I knew you were good for something, brother. But I never figured it'd be making houses out of cards.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
I've only got three more cards left. I'm gonna make it this time for sure.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
I just don't feel like getting married... Well, not for a couple of days anyway

Ben Cartwright:
You know, Hoss, I think he's going to change his mind.

[last lines]

Nedda:
How long?

Lt. Paul Tyler:
I don't know.

Nedda:
Well I'll be here.

Lt. Paul Tyler:
Let's go, Corporal.

[first lines]

[Ben, Hoss and Charlie are attending a funeral]

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
It's a doggone shame, ain't it, Charlie.

Charlie:
Yep, sure is. Doc said she had pneumonia. By the time he got there, wasn't much he could do 'cept call the sheriff.

Ben Cartwright:
Well, didn't anyone know she was sick?

Charlie:
[indicating young Billy] First they knew was him riding all the way in to fetch the doc by himself.

Ben Cartwright:
Take your feet off the table!

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Do either of you know how we came to be so sweet tempered when we have a grouch for a Pa?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
I don't know. He used to be a mite more mellower when he was younger.

Hop Sing:
[to Hoss] Little boy take knife, but big boy take donut. Bad boy! Very bad boy!

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Pa, I've got these big hands and I can lift a hefer clear off the ground. I can lick any man I ever met. But I'd cut them both off if it made that little boy quit looking at me like he wanted to spit. Why don't God help me, Pa? Why don't He tell me what to say? Why do I have to be a... a big dumb Hoss?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Folks, I know that none of you would purposely or mean to hurt anybody's feelings, but Timothy here, and the others, feel like they ain't welcome here. They think you're makin' fun of 'em cause you don't want 'em around. Now, of course, you've noticed that they're different from you - they're a whole lot littler. Well, it's a funny thing... See, I notice the same thing about you.

[laughter]

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Now, these fellers are here for the same reason most of us are - that's to help settle our town, make it grow, raise their families. They're planning on buildin' their homes here, workin' their crops, bein' good neighbors. Now, in the past, we've always welcomed folks like that and I don't see no reason we should treat these fellers any different.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
What's the use. Trying to broaden your mind and all you're thinking about is broadening your middle.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Look, Little Joe... you broaden what you want to broaden, I'll broaden what I want to broaden, all right?

Nick Biancci:
I hate violence because I was born into violence!

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Every man's got to fight his own battle in his own way.

Ben Cartwright:
Hoss, there were trees that were living and growing in the forest that were old when Christ pulled fish out of the sea of Galilee!

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Don't cut unless you plant.

Ben Cartwright:
That's right, Hoss. That's why we're here. Not just to take from the land, but to give.

Adam Cartwright:
How would you like to be able to [travel to Salt Lake City] in under three days?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Oh, come on now! From here to Salt Lake City in three days? How are you gonna do that? I think he's gonna fly up in the air, Hoss.

Adam Cartwright:
Maybe two days.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Oh-ho! Well, maybe one day! [laughs]

Ben Cartwright:
You talking about a railroad, son?

Adam Cartwright:
I am, Pa.

Adam Cartwright:
Dreams are mighty good things to have, son.

Adam Cartwright:
You know, the thing I like about you, younger brother, is that you don't care how big a mess you get yourself into, as long as someone else gets you out of it.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Yeah, well you know something, Older Brother? I just knew you'd be here in time.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
I think there's a big difference between a handout and a helping hand. One's charity, the other's friendship.

[last lines]

Ben Cartwright:
Oh I believe in a Rain Maker: the one you were praying to last night.

Hamp:
Don't worry about us. After riding trail with these boys of yours, this town is gonna seem downright tame!

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
You sold our Pa? How much did you get for him?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Oh Hoss, who cares how much she got for him?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Pa, how much did that little redheaded gal get for you?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
[laughs] I wouldn't tell him, Pa. If she did get enough, we might want to sell you back. If she didn't get enough, you wouldn't want to admit it, would you?

Ben Cartwright:
Very funny.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Hey Pa, how much did that gal get for you?

Ben Cartwright:
You'll never know.

Sam Kirby:
What if someone starts getting extra nosey?

John Pardo:
You got a gun, haven't you, Sam?

Sam Kirby:
Well, you wouldn't happen to have an easy job in a cool place, now would ya?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Yeah, but my brothers and I take all those. What else do you do?

Sam Kirby:
Well, I've accidentally managed to break a horse or two in my day.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Yeah, well, we just happen to have one on hand.

Sam Kirby:
Yeah, well, I was hoping you'd take my word for it.

Ben Cartwright:
You can't shove someone into the water and stand around waitin' to see if they can swim.

Ben Cartwright:
You must make her understand that what she feels for you is gratitude, not love. She'll be hurt a little bit, but she'll get over it. If you don't go back, she'll remain hurt forever.

Tom Wilson:
I always say there's three things you ought to know how to handle:a gun, a gal and a good poker hand.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Don't worry, Pa. I'll lkeep an eye on her.

Adam Cartwright:
Sure, but who's gonna keep an eye on him?

Ben Cartwright:
That's easy, um... Hoss will. Isn't that right, hoss?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Huh? I mean... Sir?

Jennifer Beale:
Little Joe, can you ever forgive me?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Well... [Kisses her] . I can forgive you. Of course, it can take some time. [Kisses her again] Quite some time.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
I ain't never done a fight without my hat.

Sheribelle, the Saloon Girl:
You don't suppose he's human?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
I'm not going to try and find out.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
He don't mean any harm? I just won't be able to use my jaw for a week.

Adam Cartwright:
Well, that'll be a relief. All you do is jaw with it anyway.

[last lines]

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
[referring to Lassiter] He's a driven man, Pa. I would sure hate to be him.

Ben Cartwright:
Yeah. There's somebody I'd like to be even less - any one of the men he's looking for.

Jimmy:
No trigger.

Lassiter:
No. No there's not.

Jimmy:
It looks really old.

Lassiter:
My Pa used it for a long time.

Jimmy:
But it's yours now?

Lassiter:
Yeah.

Appling:
Do you know a man called Luke Grayson?

Stagecoach Station Agent:
Sure! Who don't?

Todd Grayson:
Well, he was supposed to meet this stage.

Stagecoach Station Agent:
Well now, he ain't gonna meet this one or any other. You'll find him over yonder.

[the stagecoach agent points to the undertaker's shop]

Appling:
You don't mean he's dead?

Stagecoach Station Agent:
Now Ab Jenkins ain't buried a live one recently, however, I think the townspeople would have been willing to make an exception in this case.

Ben Cartwright:
[referring to Todd] You can't keep him behind bars. He's not a criminal! He's a 16-year-old kid!

Sheriff Roy Coffee:
With a 16-year-old gun. Ben, do you realize if that kid was just a split second faster, you wouldn't be around anymore to watch either one of them grow any older?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
He's right, Pa. A sidewinder is just as poisonous the day he's hatched as when he's full-grown.

Ben Cartwright:
Well, we're not talking about sidewinders, we're talking about a boy. Besides, the fangs of this one have already been pulled.

[Ben drops Todd's gun on Roy's desk]

Sheriff Roy Coffee:
And I aim to see that he don't grow another set.

Tom Slayden:
I've got customers, Karen, I can't afford friends.

Jennifer Lane:
I'm Mrs. Cartwright. Mrs. Ben Cartwright.

Adam Cartwright:
You mean to tell me that Pa would get married and send the bride all the way back here by herself? Now, there's something wrong, and what did you have to put her up here for?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
You uh... found any new breeding stock this trip, Pa?

Ben Cartwright:
Breeding stock?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Mm-hmm.

Ben Cartwright:
I went to Carson to see the railway people about selling some timber for that new line they're planning up north. You know that.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Uh, Pa, you didn't meet nobody new or nothing?

Adam Cartwright:
Well, let's stop beating around the bush. Did you get married?

Ben Cartwright:
Did I what?

Ben Cartwright:
Ah, this place of ours is so beautiful. Every time I see it, it's as though I'm seeing it for the first time.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Yeah, well you came pretty close to seeing it for the last time, Pa.

Adam Cartwright:
Pa, in the future if you ever do decide to get married and sent the bride home by herself, just do us one favor, will ya?

Ben Cartwright:
What?

Adam Cartwright:
Don't.

Ben Cartwright:
[to Hoss] Now, just one long minute! And you look at me when I talk to you! I know that half the people of Virginia City are trying to get me married off to Widow Hawkins. Now, maybe I have to take their smirks and innuendos, but I don't have to take it from my own family, you hear?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Yes sir.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Yes sir.

Ben Cartwright:
Yes sir! You coming along, Adam?

Adam Cartwright:
I'm with you every step of the way, Pa... right down the aisle. [Hoss and Joe crack up laughing, but stop when Ben turns and glares at them]

'Candy' Canaday:
[after hearing Mrs. Holt's first name] Excuse me, did you call her "Moon"?

Will Holt:
Well, if you had a wife and her name was "Moon Rising Red Over Big White Top Stoney Mountain", what would you call her?

'Candy' Canaday:
Moon!

Will Holt:
That's what I decided.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
I reckon the Ponderosa holds about as much claim on us as we do to her. It's more like a partnership. Like we're all sort of beholdin' to one another. What I mean to say is that Pa won't let us cut down a tree unless there's another tree growin' to take its place, or take a cup of water outta the lake if it makes the lake go down too much. The Ponderosa's got a mighty lot to give. Like Pa says, we ain't to take one ounce out of her that she can't grow back.

[first lines]

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Hoss, you know, I was just thinkin' about something. There's no reason why we both have to go see Josh Layton's widow.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Now listen, Little Joe. You're not about to saddle me with goin' to see some poor old widow woman all by myself.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Pa told you to keep an eye on me? What in the heck for?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
To keep you from gettin' chased all the way back to the Ponderosa by some hoppin' mad daddy with a shotgun in his hand... and from the look in your eye that's just about what's gonna happen.

[last lines]

Adam Cartwright:
Pa, you think Joe and I enjoyed doin' it? There was no other way.

Ben Cartwright:
Oh, I know you meant well. Maybe there was no other way. Hoss is the only one that can decide that.

[Hoss comes down the steps of the ranch house]

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Well, you fellas gonna sit here and mope all day or you gonna go out and go to work with me?

Dr. Michael Jons:
Why tell me this?

Ben Cartwright:
You're a doctor.

Dr. Michael Jons:
Not a doctor - a condemned murderer! [prescient of Kelley's oft-repeated line in Star Trek episodes]

Thad:
[to Andy, interrupting his conversation with Little Joe] I told you to saddle my horse.

Andy:
I did. He's in the stall.

Thad:
Well, get 'im.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Now, wait a minute, mister. I'm talking to the man.

Andy:
I'll be right back, Joe. [goes into the barn]

Thad:
You see, he knows me. I mean , I whistle, and he runs. Now, that should tell you somethin'

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Yeah... but you wouldn't want to hear it.

Sheriff Solomon Budd:
How much?

Thad:
How much what?

Sheriff Solomon Budd:
Reward. What's Daddy Ledbetter offerin' for Buck?

Thad:
Two thousand. And he don't want no trial.

Sheriff Solomon Budd:
I'm listenin'...

Thad:
For what?

Sheriff Solomon Budd:
The rest of it. Is that the price for one or both?

Thad:
Two thousand, apiece.

Sheriff Solomon Budd:
I knew it. You come chargin' up our trail like a cyclone wind, you're chasin' money.

Thad:
Sonny Ledbetter was a friend of mine. AS a matter of fact, he was my best friend.

Sheriff Solomon Budd:
Sure, as much a friend as you ever had. And that ain't much. Come to think of it, you two had a lot in common.

Thad:
You know, I'm gonna remember what you said, sheriff, and one of these days, I'm gonna make you regret having said it.

Sheriff Solomon Budd:
You do that. Nothin' like hate to keep a man awake. Your watch - I'm turnin' in.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Little Joe?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Hmm?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Is it sure enough true that we're goin' to have birds' nests for dinner at Jimmy Chang's birthday party?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
That's what Adam told us.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
I ain't so sure I'm goin' to like that.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Well, if it's something to eat, you'll like it all right.

[last lines of episode 3.8]

Ben Cartwright:
There go two wealthy young men.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
What do you mean, Pa?

Ben Cartwright:
Well, they have something all the money in the world can't buy. It's called friendship.

[last lines in episode 8.34, "The Greedy Ones"]

Ben Cartwright:
The gold rush was over, gone like a soap bubble in the sun. The Ponderosa was just as it has always been. And we went home.

[first lines]

[a cowhand accidentally bumps into Big Jack]

Big Jack Slade:
Hey, what's the matter with you?

[a gunfight erupts and the Slades kill all the cowhands in the bar, with Shorty Jim shooting the last one as he attempts to flee]

Big Jack Slade:
Hey, that's good shootin' Little Jim - as clean a backshot as I've ever seen in my life! That calls for another one.

[Shorty Jim picks up the poker hand of the man he just shot in the back]

Shorty Jim Slade:
What a shame - he had a full house. Well, you can't win 'em all.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Hey, he's got us mixed up with someone else!

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
I sure hope so.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Well, why else would they be shootin' at total innocent strangers if they didn't have us mixed up with somebody?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Well, this is Texas after all.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
First of all, ma'am, there's just about to be a bunch of killin' out there in that street.

Lorna Doone Mayberry:
There's always killin' in that street.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Well, yes'm, and that seems to me to be a terrible waste. I mean, there not bein' enough men to go around for all you ladies as it is.

Lorna Doone Mayberry:
There ain't a woman livin' can keep men from fightin'.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Ma'am, I beg to differ with you. You see, sometimes womenfolk can sorta get around menfolk in little ways and I figure maybe if you ladies tried real hard, you might be able to get around these.

Lorna Doone Mayberry:
You ain't as dumb as you look. What do you want me to do?

[at the last minute, the Kiowa Flats women manage to prevent the shootout between the Hadfield and McFadden clans]

Jubal Hadfield:
Just a minute! Y'all get back here!

Alonzo McFadden:
This ain't no way to run a feud! And it was such a nice day for it, too.

[last lines]

Big Jack Slade:
Hey, how far is it to Kiowa Flats?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Just a couple of miles back down the road.

[the Slade Brothers ride past the Cartwrights]

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Y-you don't suppose that...?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
I think so. Come on, let's get out of here.

[moments later, gunfire is heard from the direction the Slade Brothers rode]

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
You don't reckon...?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
I think so.

Paiute Scroggs:
I know you fellows are suffering. I'm suffering along with you. I'm just as tired and dirty and saddle-galled as the rest of you. Smell just as bad and maybe a little bit worse. What makes me suffer more is thinking that maybe it's all for nothing... Sure we'll catch up with 'em, but what comes after it is what makes you sick to your stomach... They'll turn them over to the deputy and take them back to Virginia City for trial and you gotta have a judge for a trial. Circuit judge won't be around for four or five months. Man, won't them fellas have a time waitin' for that trial! All them women comin' in there, bringing them pie and cake and white bread and all that stuff. All you fellas don't have but once a year, and maybe that's at Christmas. And them preachers - man, will they shine. They'll be praying and exhorting all over the place. And them town women will come down there and they'll be singing hymns, telling them all about their Ma's and their sisters [laughs] About two days before the trial, they'll be converted. I tell you, it'll take more than a jury to convict them after a thing like that.

Jacob Darien:
We have no guns, Adam. And we cannot do harm on our fellow man.

Adam Cartwright:
Well, your fellow man can do harm on you! And they will.

Johnny Lightly:
There are two things I'm good at: horses and women. In that order.

Military Judge:
[last words heard on the entire series] We sentence you.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
[after brawl] Pete's alright. He went through that wall head first.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
That sounds like Hoss.

Ben Cartwright:
In a wagon? He left on a horse.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
That's my brother. He leaves on a horse and comes back on a boat.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
A man's gotta take care of his partners.

Ben Cartwright:
HOSS!

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
[On Hoss investing in new invention] Here we go again...

Julia Bulette:
[to Ben] Having faith in no one carries a special kind of security. You and your son have destroyed it. I'll never forgive you that, Ben.

Ben Cartwright:
I'm not going to have that woman beating me over the head with my own son!

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
You know, that kid's got lots of grit. One of these days, he's gonna be able to whup that Frenchman.

Adam Cartwright:
Yeah... but this wasn't the day.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Hey, I can't eat cattle fodder!

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
You eat beef steak, don't ya?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Well yeah, but what's that got to do with anything?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
It just shows what cattle goes through for ya.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
They're going to be able to find us, though, if we're west of Kansas City. All they gotta do is follow their smellers. They're going to be able to find us, though, if we're west of Kansas City. All they gotta do is follow their smellers. They're going to be able to find us, though, if we're west of Kansas City. All they gotta do is follow their smellers. They're going to be able to find us, though, if we're west of Kansas City. All they gotta do is follow their smellers. They're going to be able to find us, though, if we're west of Kansas City. All they gotta do is follow their smellers. They're going to be able to find us, though, if we're west of Kansas City. All they gotta do is follow their smellers. They're going to be able to find us, though, if we're west of Kansas City. All they gotta do is follow their smellers. They're going to be able to find us, though, if we're west of Kansas City. All they gotta do is follow their smellers. They're going to be able to find us, though, if we're west of Kansas City. All they gotta do is follow their smellers. They're going to be able to find us, though, if we're west of Kansas City. All they gotta do is follow their smellers.They're going to be able to find us, though, if we're west of Kansas City. All they gotta do is follow their smellers. They're going to be able to find us, though, if we're west of Kansas City. All they gotta do is follow their smellers. They're going to be able to find us, though, if we're west of Kansas City. All they gotta do is follow their smellers.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
I reckon you're referring to my cookin'.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
I'm referring to that stink you're making. What is it?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Them's wild roots and mesquite beans.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Mesquite beans?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Yep.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
That's cattle fodder!

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Yep. It's gonna be your dinner, Little Joe.

[last lines]

Ben Cartwright:
Come on. He wouldn't want us to mourn over him.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
No. No, I reckon he wouldn't at that. He just wasn't that sort of man, was he.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Was she or wasn't she?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Was she or wasn't she what?

Adam Cartwright:
You know...

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
No, I don't know. Ask Adam.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Adam, was she or wasn't she?

Adam Cartwright:
Was she or wasn't she what?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Naked.

Adam Cartwright:
Well now, you got eyes. You saw her.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Yeah but, exactly what did we see really?

Adam Cartwright:
She was wearing tights.

Burt:
Ah, I always keep to my own affairs, but old Jeb, he's sorta been bit by the curiousity bug. He's wondering what brought you fellows to town.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Well, I reckon I can tell you two fellows.

Burt:
Yeah!

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
You see them two horses down there? They brought us.

William 'Bullet Head' Burke:
What kind of flummery are you tryin' to hand me?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
You know Hoss, the idea of sitting in that old office all day kinda makes my stomach flutter, you know?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Yeah. I know what makes your stomach flutter. I seen her too...

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Now ma'am, we kinda pride ourselves on our hospitality here in Virginia City. That's why we always have a gentleman meet the young ladies at the stage.

Jennifer Flinch:
Oh, how nice. Where is he?

Jennifer Flinch:
Now listen, you two back-pasture Romeos, out of my way! Can't a lady walk in this town without being bothered by two low-down, miserable, fat-brained, lop-eared cows?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
I reckon that's the way it is sometimes, you... you look at a cactus and you see a rose cause, cause a rose is what you want to see. I don't reckon there's anything wrong when you see something good and pretty. Sometimes I even do that myself. I get sorta lonely-like and I look for good and pretty things.

Emily Pennington:
You keep away from him, you ugly brute!

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Ma'am, I can't help being ugly, can I?

Ben Cartwright:
Son, there's one thing a man can't do, and that's to tell a woman who to love and who not to love.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Listen Adam, Little Joe had a real good idea. Here's what we're gonna do. He's gonna put on a beard, see. Then we're gonna get in the covered wagon and come out here like we're lookin' for land.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Yeah, see, then we put him in a real nice bonnet and a print dress.

Adam Cartwright:
Mm-hm. How did I ever get tangled up with you two?

Major Ormsby:
Treacherous devils.

Adam Cartwright:
Well, what did you expect? A welcome mat?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
You got yourself into some real trouble this time, big brother.

Adam Cartwright:
Yeah. This time it's me and not you.

Andrew Holloway:
Enter it on the report. Make sure each of the widows get a box of groceries.

Helene Holloway:
A box of groceries for a dead husband.

Andrew Holloway:
It's company policy.

Andrew Holloway:
How soon can you give me a report?

Gil Fenton:
It'll be on your desk. Cold black figures against a white piece of paper. Four dead, two dying, five missing, 14 injured. But no slow up in production, Mr. Holloway. Does that make you happy?

Adam Cartwright:
What are you thinking about?

Philip Diedesheimer:
I was thinking about... perhaps after today, we will not let a mine fall on our heads again.

Adam Cartwright:
I hope not.

Philip Diedesheimer:
Well, there is a simple way. All we have to do is... never again go into a mine. So many people make that decision in life.

Helene Holloway:
That's the word he was looking for - dead! But nobody wants to say it because it's a dirty word. Not here in this house. Not on this level, the stockholders might hear. Dead is for those that work down in the ground. Not people like us! We can't talk about a man who's buried under fifty tons of rock, but he's dead just the same!

Andrew Holloway:
Gil dead? Well, I'll have to hire another superintendent.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Mr. Holloway, if that's the first thing you thought about, I feel real sorry for you.

Andrew Holloway:
Can't you understand I've got stockholders to think about?

Helene Holloway:
Oh yes, I understand. You and your faceless stockholders! Well, I have somebody to think about too. Only he had a face and a body and arms to hold me with, and he's buried under fifty tons of rock, and you put him there!

Philip Diedesheimer:
Only the dead have time to wait, Adam. Our concerns are with the living.

Adam Cartwright:
Horse throw ya?

Ben Cartwright:
No.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Did ya bump into a limb or something, Pa?

Ben Cartwright:
No.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Forget to duck?

Adam Cartwright:
They what was it?

Ben Cartwright:
I got into a little scuffle.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
A little scuffle? With who?

Ben Cartwright:
Forget it.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Forget it? Why?

Ben Cartwright:
Because if I told you who it was, you'd all run out of here hot-headed and itchy and looking for trouble; and you'd find trouble and there would be some gun play and somebody would get hurt.

Ben Cartwright:
They said they'd be home before dark. Besides, they didn't take any food with 'em.

Hop Sing:
They be back.

Ben Cartwright:
Hm?

Hop Sing:
Mr. Hoss up there. He smell food up there. He come to food like homing pigeon.

Hop Sing:
You tell Mr. Hoss I cook turkey for supper.

Ben Cartwright:
Oh that's fine. What are the rest of us gonna eat?

Hop Sing:
Ha ha ha, that's a pretty funny joke, Mr. Cartwright. No, not so funny. Have to kill another turkey, pick another turkey, stuff another turkey, cook another turkey. Bad joke. Goodbye.

Adam Cartwright:
Hey Toby, my cup's empty. Seems to me like you oughta be springing to your feet and fetching me another, huh?

Toby Barker:
Can't spring a lick until the sun's up for a full hour. Ya have about forty minutes to go yet. Why don't you spring for yourself?

Adam Cartwright:
Oh, that wouldn't be seemly. You're the station manager. The station manager's supposed to wait on folks.

Toby Barker:
I wait on the horses.

Adam Cartwright:
Heck of a way to run a stage line.

Toby Barker:
Heck of a stage line.

Adam Cartwright:
Hm... I won't argue that. There'll be no stage, I missed it's connections... I had to stay here all night... Straw to sleep on... bugs to bite me... and you snoring. And to top it all off, I had to get up first this morning and make the coffee.

Toby Barker:
Well, the right kind of a customer would have gone out and fed the stock.

Annie O'Toole:
Cooking hotcakes, I was, this morning. On me mother's stove. Himself was a great one for hotcakes. He strangled and died.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
On the hotcakes, Ma'am?

Annie O'Toole:
Do you question my cooking? The hotcakes, he says... 'Twas the air that choked him, just as he said it would. 'Annie,' he says to me. 'One whiff of that heathen air and I'll die!' He said it and he did it.

Annie O'Toole:
[On her father dying] In fact, I'm proud of him.

Adam Cartwright:
Proud of him?

Annie O'Toole:
Why not? It's the first time in his life he did what he said he'll do.

Annie O'Toole:
Don't you worry about me. I can cut the whiskers from a cat with a skillet without even disturbing it's slumber.

Ben Cartwright:
It would seem as if Mr. Kevin, himself, O'Toole is buried atop the richest strike ever made in the Washoe.

Adam Cartwright:
Keeping the news of the big strike quiet is about as easy as hiding an elephant under a walnut shell. Everyone wanted in on it. From the looks of it, Annie was getting her share of the Bonanza too.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
[Hoss starts inside where his father is yelling. Little Joe is sitting in a rocking chair on the porch, his head covered with his hat] I wouldn't.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
[Lifts hat off Joe's face] What do you mean, 'I wouldn't'?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Right now, this is Yorktown, Bunker Hill, and Valley Forge all rolled into one.

Ben Cartwright:
Now, you can't leave us shorthanded just to go to talk to a man who's probably a crackpot!

Adam Cartwright:
Crackpot?

Ben Cartwright:
Yes, crackpot!

Adam Cartwright:
A long time ago a man fooled around with a thing he called a cotton gin. His name was Whitney,a nd they called him a crackpot, too. And they said the same thing about a man called Watt, until his steam engine made history! And before that, there was a man who thought the world was round.

Ben Cartwright:
You missed one.

Adam Cartwright:
Who?

Ben Cartwright:
In between those last two gentlemen you mentioned, there was another man who rode around looking for windmills, and his name was Don Quixote, and he WAS a crackpot!

Ben Cartwright:
I don't have anything against education as long as it doesn't interfere with your thinking!

[first lines]

Dennis:
Can I help you?

Inspector Charles Leduque:
Yes, a couple of your newspapers.

Ben Cartwright:
[to Joe] Truth is something that always comes back at you, isn't it?

Adam Cartwright:
[to Ben] Oh why not? You're a rich man. You have sons. You've loved women and been loved by them.

[last lines]

Inspector Charles Leduque:
Let's wash up.

Ben Cartwright:
Give me a hand.

Inspector Charles Leduque:
We'll smash Ben Cartwright just like we smashed the story of his life!

Ben Cartwright:
What your mother did or did not do before I met her is of no importance to me. I love her and I married her because she was a wonderful person...

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Oh Hoss, I don't know what to say! You better grab the halter on that filly cause I'm gonna yell!

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Hey Pa, Adam, close the windows and bard the doors. I got the greatest news since Kelsey's hog found gold.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Well Hoss, are you gonna tell us or not? Who cut your lip for you?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
I done told ya, I ran into a broom.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Mm... I just wondered who threw it. Oh, and that uh... that little scratch you got there on your cheek.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Cut myself shaving, and that's the truth.

Ben Cartwright:
Look, Hoss, if you did have a fight...

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Pa, it wasn't no fight... But if you sak me, there's one member of this family looking for a fight right now.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
I'm sorry. I'm just worrying about you, that's all.

Nancy Hart:
Do you know he's taxing us for our unborn chicks?

Jock Henry:
They ain't unborn, they're just unhatched. They're as alive as you are.

Ben Cartwright:
Well, if they settle this one, at least we'll know which came first: the chicken or the egg.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
I better win or you'll be out 1720 dollars.

Ben Cartwright:
No. We'll be out 1720 dollars. You have half the bet.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
[to horse] You better win this one, Skinny.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Whatever it was, I didn't do it.

Sheriff Roy Coffee:
You sure do look guilty to me.

Ben Cartwright:
Buy why a sheriff, Joe? Why? I didn't raise my sons to... live by a gun.

Scotty:
I never saw a man so hated just for loving his fellow man.

Brazos:
Trouble only comes to those who can't handle it.

Ben Cartwright:
Hallelujah, will you tell me one thing? Why did your folks name you Hallelujah instead of Jeremiah?

Ben Cartwright:
You were gonna throw down on your own father?

Johnny Logan:
That's right. And as soon as I get the chance, I'm gonna kill him!

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
I can't speak real fancy like Shakespeare, and I don't agree with him.

Amy Bishop:
Why not?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
Well first of all, I can't compare you to a summer's day, 'cause you're more like a day in spring. Oh, I could talk real fancy and I could say that your eyes are like stars. And I could say that your mouth is like a rose. When I look at you, I just can't think of anything to say.

Ben Cartwright:
Are we so apart boy? I've never held my land above my sons. Before that'd happen, I'd destroy the Ponderosa.

Aaron Kaufman:
Courage! It's easy to have courage with a gun in your hand.

Ben Cartwright:
Going somewhere?

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Isn't everybody?

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
First thing that goes is your courage - then your manhood - and your concern for your women and children - and this is the last thing, but it's got to go too: this is your self-respect. And this - is what's left of you: nothing.

Eric 'Hoss' Cartwright:
Sounds sort of weird.

Adam Cartwright:
All legends sound weird or a little funny - depends how you look at them.

Ben Cartwright:
Joe, come on home. There's nothing here.

[last lines]

Ben Cartwright:
Son, when a man knows something, deep down in his heart, when he really knows, he doesn't have to argue about it, doesn't have to prove it. Just knowing, that's enough.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
[approaching a man lying on the ground, he comes face to face with the barrel of a gun] Look, I'm just trying to help you, mister.

Bushwhacker:
You've helped. [gets up from the ground] Now, just take it easy, friend. [takes Little Joe's water canteen] I lost my horse, and now I'm buying your horse.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
He's not for sale, mister.

Bushwhacker:
Well, you'd better change your mind. I'm paying you a good price for him. [strikes Little Joe in the head with the gun] Your life.

Felix Matthews:
Alright, Masterson, get this pile of junk out of the middle of the street right now. We're coming through.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
This pile of junk stays!

Felix Matthews:
You're gonna let this boy dig his own grave, Masterson... with his mouth.

Joseph 'Little Joe' Cartwright:
It's MY Grave. MAYBE.

Felix Matthews:
There's no 'maybe' about it. Now, I'll tell YOU what I'm going to do. Me and the boys are gonna rest up a spell, and then we'll come down. Maybe it'll be in an hour. Maybe we'll wait till sun-up. Maybe. Maybe not even then. Just MAYBE. Oh, but we'll be back. If this barricade is still up when we get here, do you know what we're gonna do then? Well, let me tell you, gentlemen. Have you ever seen a town wiped out? Taken apart PIECE by PIECE? Well, you've got an experience in store for you, gentlemen. Think about that. Oh, and, ah, Masterson... if you make us fight, don't waste all your ammunition on me and the boys. Save some for the womenfolk and the kids.

Ben Cartwright:
But if my son dies...

Red Twilight:
Then he isn't dead.

Ben Cartwright:
No. He isn't dead.

Red Twilight:
Then that makes you lucky, don't it? 'Cause my brother's dead.