Brotherly Love

[first lines]

Mrs. Grogan:
Doctor, would you like a cup of tea?

Hector Robertson:
Ooh, thanks, Mrs. G. Ah! How's the ideas document on rural medicine coming then? Oh, my goodness, I think your typing's coming along fairly fast now, isn't it.

Angie McPhee:
Thanks.

Hector Robertson:
Two days and you're already on page fourteen.

Angie McPhee:
That's a wee typing error. It's actually page four.

Hector Robertson:
You've got to put old newspapers and magazines in the waiting room; otherwise the patients steal them. I cannot tell you how many copies of Hello Magazine we have had to say goodbye to.

[last lines]

Frank Robertson:
Now, that's what I call an art critic.

Frank Robertson:
Then, at a later date, you can get your money back when you sell it to a gallery in Glasgow.

Hector Robertson:
Francis, Glasgow has taste; we'll have to think of somewhere far less discerning, like...

Hector Robertson, Frank Robertson:
Aberdeen.

[first lines]

Hector Robertson:
Ah-ha, this will impress the patients, eh. Knowing their doctor's on the ball and ready to help them through the twentieth century.

Mrs. Grogan:
Twenty-first century.

Hector Robertson:
Whatever.

Mrs. Grogan:
Well, I must say, Doctor, I never thought I'd see the day when you bought a computer.

Hector Robertson:
I may not look like somebody, Mrs. Grogan, who is at the cutting edge of information technology, but I'll have you know that in the seventies I was the first person in Invercorrie to own a pocket calculator.

Billy Bolster:
Mind you, it was two months before he realized it needed batteries.

Billy Bolster:
So... Hector is waiting for Frank to ask if he can stay with him?

Mrs. Grogan:
Yes, it's reverse psychology.

Billy Bolster:
And Frank is waiting for Hector to invite him?

Kate Cameron:
Yes, it's perverse psychology. [sighs] I'll sort them out.

Mrs. Grogan:
And what sort of psychology are you going to use?

Kate Cameron:
The oldest known to man. [lets down her hair] Woman.

Hector Robertson:
Right. Well, I'm here. I don't much see the point of this, but...

Frank Robertson:
Well, neither do I!

Rev. McDonald:
Now that's good. Something you both agree on. Let's see if we can build on that. Can I just remind you that being brothers is very special, and means that you have an important part to play in God's plan for mankind. Indeed, there are many famous brothers throughout history who would serve as fine models for you. Now, who are the most famous brothers you can think of?

Hector Robertson, Frank Robertson:
Cain and Abel.

Rev. McDonald:
Not exactly the role models I was thinking of.

[first lines]

Lord Ranloch:
So I stayed up for five nights in a row in that freezing snow knowing that whoever was poaching would come back, and when he did he left a two-mile trail of footsteps in the snow and we were able to follow him all the way back to his house [chuckles] where we banged on the door and you opened it. [laughs] I'll never forget the look on your face. [laughs] Oh, happy days, weren't they, Billy?

Billy Bolster:
Oh very, Lord Ranloch. I was fined five hundred pounds, put on probation for two years, and made the laughing stock of Argyle. Ho ho, happy days.

[last lines]

Mrs. Grogan:
Doctor Robertson! Doctor Robertson!

Hector Robertson:
Oh, what is it? More bad news?

Mrs. Grogan:
I've just had a phone call from the Chief Medical Officer for Scotland's secretary.

Hector Robertson:
I knew it. They want to inspect the practice.

Mrs. Grogan:
Not at all. [reads note] The Chief Medical Officer for Scotland is most impressed with your ideas for reorganizing rural doctors, and he'd like to have lunch with you to discuss the details.

Hector Robertson:
God? God wants to have lunch with me? Oh! But I don't understand it: how did he know about it? I mean, I've hardly told a soul.

Mrs. Grogan:
You told me!

Frank Robertson:
And me.

Billy Bolster:
And me.

Pub Customers:
And me.

Lady Ranloch:
I'll never forget the night you proposed to me. We were leaning on the balustrade overlooking the loch. There wasn't a sound but for your nervous breathing and... a gentle click, click, click of... what was it, a cricket?

Lord Ranloch:
Your father, loading his shotgun.

[first lines]

Hector Robertson:
Frank, you're home early.

Frank Robertson:
Na, I know, uh... Billy sent me home as my miserable face was upsetting the customer.

Lucy:
So, which Jane Austen novel are you reading?

Frank Robertson:
Um. Well, I, you know, whatever does it matter? They're all brilliant. What's your favourite?

Lucy:
Oh, Emma.

Frank Robertson:
Wow, would you believe it? That's the one I'm reading. Oh, I love her, Emma Thompson. You know, she won an Oscar for that.

Lucy:
I think we're talking 'Sense and Sensibility'.

Hector Robertson:
I doubt it.

[last lines]

Kate Cameron:
Sorry I'm late. Ah. Right, shall we make a start?

[first lines]

Hector Robertson:
Ah, for goodness sake, that is it! I am cancelling my subscription to this rubbish.

Frank Robertson:
Oh, don't tell me they wouldn't publish another one of your letters. What was the latest one about?

Hector Robertson:
How difficult it is to get a letter published in their magazine.

[last lines]

Kate Cameron:
Well. I hope you've learned something from that very expensive lesson.

Hector Robertson:
What?

Kate Cameron:
Well, the amount of stuff you've ordered, no wonder she's happy.

Hector Robertson:
Yeah, well, she won't be happy in a minute, when she realizes I've signed all the order forms "Mickey Mouse".

Kate Cameron:
I'm going to paint Dr Robertson.

Angie McPhee:
What colour?

[Angie and Mrs Grogan laugh]

Kate Cameron:
I expect, Mrs Grogan, you want to know if I'm going to paint him in the nude.

Mrs. Grogan:
What!

Kate Cameron:
Of course I'm going to paint him in the nude. I never wear clothes when I paint.

[first lines]

Frank Robertson:
What're you watching, Hector?

Hector Robertson:
Peak Practice. [turns TV off] Frank. Which d'you think is my best side?

Frank Robertson:
Well, you have so many sides, Hector, it would be hard to say.

Hector Robertson:
No, no, I'm talking facially here. Kate's going to paint my portrait. Ah, I think my left side has a touch of the classical.

Frank Robertson:
And your right side has a touch of the ketchup.

Hector Robertson:
He said he hated the place; he said he hated the people.

Kate Cameron:
I can't believe it! I thought he liked Invercorrie.

Hector Robertson:
He said he hated the pub.

Kate Cameron:
No! I thought he *loved* the pub.

Hector Robertson:
He said he hated living with me.

Kate Cameron:
No! I thought he *loved*... the pub.

[last lines]

Hector Robertson:
Mrs. Grogan, I'm just going to see my lawyer about something.

Mrs. Grogan:
Oh, right you are, Doctor.

[Hector leaves, and Frank rises from behind the counter]

Frank Robertson:
Thanks very much, Mrs. Grogan. Let him sweat it out for a few hours.