Chasing Amy

Hooper:
Check this sh*t. You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god!

Banky Edwards:
What's a "Nubian"?

Hooper:
Shut the f*** up!

Hooper:
For years in this industry, whenever an African American character, hero or villain, was introduced - usually by white artists and writers - they got slapped with racist names that singled them out as Negroes. Now, my book, "White-Hating Coon," don't have none of that bullshit. The hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's descended from the black tribe that established the first society on the planet, while all you European motherf***ers were hiding out in caves and sh*t, all terrified of the sun. He's a strong role model that a young black reader can look up to. Cause I'm here to tell you, the chickens is coming home to roost, y'all. The black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the realm of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We keepin it real, and we gonna get respect by any means necessary.

Holden:
Ah, come on, that's a bunch of horse sh*t! Lando Calrissian was a black guy. You know, and he got to fly the Millennium Falcon, what's the matter with you?

Hooper:
Who said that?

Holden:
I did! Lando Calrissian is a strong role-model in the realm of science fiction/fantasy.

Hooper:
F*** Lando Calrissian! Uncle-Tom n*gger!

Silent Bob:
But, by the time I figured this all out, it was too late; she moved on. And all I had to show for it was some foolish pride which then gave way to regret. She was the girl. I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I've spent everyday since then chasing Amy. So to speak.

Banky Edwards:
This is all going to end badly.

Banky Edwards:
What is it about this girl man, you know you have no shot at getting her into bed so why do you even bother wasting time with her, because you're Holden f***ing McNeil, the most persistent traveler on the road that's not the path of least resistance, everything has to be a f***ing challenge for you and this little relationship with that B*TCH is a prime example of your f***ing condition, Well I don't need a magic 8-ball to look into your future, you want a forecast here, will Holden ever f*** Alyssa?, oh what a shock, NOT F***ING LIKELY. This relationship is affecting you, our work and our friendship and the time is going to come when I throw down the gauntlet and say it's me or her then what are you going to say?

Holden:
I think you should let this one go

Banky Edwards:
No what would you say, would you trash 20 years of f***ing friendship because you got some idiotic notion that this chick will let you sniff her panties, let alone f*** her

Holden:
Look f***ing a**hole, I'm telling you let it go, ok!

Banky Edwards:
What the f*** man, what the f*** makes this b*tch all that important

Holden:
Because I'm f***ing in love with her man, OK!

Banky Edwards:
Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, OK? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, OK? Are you following?

Holden:
Yeah.

Banky Edwards:
Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as f***, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?

Holden:
What is this supposed to prove?

Banky Edwards:
No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?

Holden:
The man-hating dyke.

Banky Edwards:
Good. Why?

Holden:
I don't know.

Banky Edwards:
Because the other three are figments of your f***ing imagination!

Banky Edwards:
All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'.

Alyssa:
I love you, I always will. Know that. But I'm not your f***ing whore.

Banky Edwards:
I feel a hate crime coming on.

Holden:
So, uh, what do you wanna do tonight?

Banky Edwards:
I dunno. Get a pizza, watch "Degrassi Jr. High".

Holden:
You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama.

Banky Edwards:
I got a weird thing for girls who say, "Aboot."

Silent Bob:
B*tch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand f***ing Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?

Alyssa:
One minute and five seconds; you are such my b*tch.

Alyssa:
For you, to f*** is to penetrate. You're used to the more traditional definition - you inside some girl you duped, jackhammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes.

Banky Edwards:
Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes.

Alyssa:
Let me ask you something, Banky. Can guys f*** each other?

Banky Edwards:
What, are you asking for my permission?

Alyssa:
In your estimation.

Banky Edwards:
Yeah, sure.

Alyssa:
So to you, f***ing means penetration. You, inside some girl you duped, jackhammering away, not noticing the bored look in her eyes.

Banky Edwards:
Hey, I always notice the bored look in their eyes.

Alyssa:
Are you an authorized dealmaker in this establishment? Do you have the power to negotiate?

Cashier:
You wanna haggle over the price of your French Dip?

Jay:
So why the long face, Horace? Banky on the rag?

Holden:
I'm just, ahh... just havin' a little girl trouble.

Jay:
B*tch pressin' charges? I get that a lot.

Banky Edwards:
Archie is NOT f***ing Mr. Weatherbee!

Jay:
Jedi b*tch.

Banky Edwards:
Like CNN and the Weather Channel: constant updates.

Alyssa:
So, you've never been curious about men?

Holden:
Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw.

Alyssa:
Why are we stopping?

Holden:
Because I can't take this.

Alyssa:
Can't take what?

Holden:
I love you.

Alyssa:
You love me?

Holden:
I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this f***ing planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

Banky Edwards:
Now THAT, my friend, is a shared moment.

Alyssa:
You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it's the natural way, that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just *gets* you - it's so rare. My parents didn't really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn't. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy.

Holden:
Still am.

Alyssa:
And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you *were* a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, 'cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn't look. And for me that makes all the difference.

Holden:
It's not who you love, it's how.

Banky Edwards:
I just have to get something.

Holden:
Oh my God. Who are you, Larry f***ing Flynt? What are you going to do with all of those?

Banky Edwards:
Read the articles. What do you think I'm going to do with them? They're stroke books, stupid!

Holden:
You've got like thirty books there! We're only going to be gone for two days!

Banky Edwards:
Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I like them arty and air-brushed. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do it, sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I like the idea of a chick with a horse.

Holden:
How do you manage to get away with this all the time? I mean, shouldn't the cops be busting your head open right about now?

Banky Edwards:
Wrong coast.

Hooper:
I need to sell the image to sell the book. I mean, would the audience still buy the whole black rage angle if they found out the book was written by a... you know...

Banky Edwards:
F*ggot?

Hooper:
When you say it, it sounds so sexy.

Hooper:
See that man over there? He the Devil! Never take your eye off the man.

Hooper:
Honey, don't give me that "all for one" sh*t. I got to deal with being a minority in a minority of a minority, and nobody supports my ass.

Hooper:
All the boys need to feel like they're Marco F***ing Polo when it comes to sex.

Holden:
If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened.

Hooper:
Archie was the b*tch and Jughead was the butch. That's why he was always going around wearing that crown-looking hat... he was the king of queen Archie's world.

Jay:
You gotta boil it down to the essentials. It's like Cube says, "Life ain't nothin' but b*tches and money."

Banky Edwards:
What difference does it make if I refer to her as a dyke? Or if I call the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the comfort of my own office, far from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world?

Holden:
Yeah, well I've had my finger up my ass but I wouldn't say I've had anal sex.

Banky Edwards:
I'm going to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Archie is all about p*ssy.

Holden:
Look man, we miss this train, and I am gonna shitcan you and just hire Charles Schultz.

Banky Edwards:
Everyone has an agenda. Everyone

Hooper:
And Jedi's the most insulting installment. Because Vader's beautiful black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty, old white man! They tryin' to tell us that deep inside we all wants to be white!

Banky Edwards:
Well, isn't that true?

Alyssa:
How bad could it have been?

Holden:
Put it this way: have you ever heard a nun call an eight year-old boy a f***ing c*nt rag?

Banky Edwards:
I'm telling you that chick is probably a bigger germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak

Banky Edwards:
Bring on the free hooch!

Alyssa:
Since most of these people are cheering for the home team, I'm going to root for the visitors. I'm a big visitors fan. Especially the kind that make coffee in the morning before they leave!

Holden:
Sorry about him, he's dealing with being an inker.

Alyssa:
Oh... you trace.

Jay:
What's that sh*t he's got us saying?

Silent Bob:
Oh, umm..."Snootchie Bootchies."

Jay:
Snootchie Bootchies. Who the f*** talks like that? That is f***ing baby talk.

Banky Edwards:
Who should I sign it to?

Little Kid:
I don't want you to sign it. I want the guy who draws Bluntman and Chronic to sign it.

Little Kid:
You're just a tracer.

Collector:
Tell him, little shaver.

Jay:
Man, why do you always have to tell that f***in' gay story?

Silent Bob:
Man, shut up.

Jay:
You shut up, you fat f***!

Banky Edwards:
What the f*** is going on here?

Holden McNeil:
I'm starting a new page?

Banky Edwards:
Not with this sh*t, what the f*** is going on with you and that girl?

Holden McNeil:
We're just friends!

Banky Edwards:
She's programming you!

Holden McNeil:
I beg your pardon? Programming?

Banky Edwards:
Yeah, and apparently you don't even f***ing realize it!

Fan:
I love these guys! You know what? they're like Bill and Ted meet... Cheech and Chong!

Holden McNeil:
Yeah... I kinda like to think of them as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern meet Vladamir and Estragon.

Fan:
Yes!

Fan:
Who?

Holden McNeil:
We've got to beat traffic.

Banky Edwards:
What traffic? It's 1:30 in the morning!

Holden McNeil:
Yeah, and rush hour starts in six hours. Let's go.

Holden:
Oh no, here's the big test. The Quick Stop

Alyssa:
My best friend f***ed a dead guy in the bathroom

Holden:
You know that girl

Alyssa:
I did, before she was committed

Holden:
They used you!

Alyssa:
No! I used them! You don't think I would've let it happen if I hadn't wanted to? Do you? I was an experimental girl for Christ sake! Maybe you knew from early on your track was from point A to be, but unlike you I was not given a f***ing map at birth, so I tried it all! That is until we, you and I, got together and suddenly I was sated!

Collector:
So, you draw this comic, or what?

Banky:
[sighs] I ink it. I'm also the colorist. The guy next to me draws it, but we both came up with the characters. Next.

Collector:
What's that mean, you "ink" it?

Banky:
Well, it means that Holden draws the pictures in pencil, and then he gives it to me to go over in ink. Next!

Collector:
So, basically, you just trace.

Banky:
[annoyed] It's not "tracing", alright? I add depth and shading to give the image more definition. Only then does the drawing truly take shape.

Collector:
No, no. You go over what he draws with a pen. That's tracing.

Banky:
[getting angry] Not really. Next!

[The Collector turns to the kid next in line]

Collector:
Hey, lemme ask you something. If somebody draws something, and you draw, like, right on top of it without going outside the original designated art, what do you call that?

Little Kid:
I dunno, man...tracing?

Collector:
[triumphantly] See?

Banky:
You want your book signed or what?

Collector:
Hey, hey! Don't get snippy with him just because you've got a problem with your station in life!

Banky:
Oh, I'm secure with what I do.

Collector:
Then just say it — you're a tracer!

Banky:
[about to lose it] Who should I sign it to?

Little Kid:
I don't want you to sign it. I want the guy who draws Bluntman and Chronic to sign it. [snatches the comic away] You're just a tracer.

Collector:
Tell him, little shaver.

[Banky attacks him until Holden pulls him away. The Collector is escorted out by security]

Collector:
You're mucking with a "G", you f***ing tracer!

Banky:
I'LL TRACE A CHALK OUTLINE AROUND YOUR DEAD BODY, YOU F***!

Holden:
Could you get him out of here?

Collector:
Hey! He shoved me! You f***ing tracer!

Banky:
YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!

Hooper:
For years in this industry, whenever an African American character, hero or villain, was introduced - usually by white artists and writers - they got slapped with racist names that singled them out as Negroes. Now, my book, "White-Hating Coon," don't have none of that bullshit. The hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's descended from the black tribe that established the first society on the planet, while all you European motherfuckers were hiding out in caves and sh*t, all terrified of the sun. He's a strong role model that a young black reader can look up to. Cause I'm here to tell you, the chickens is coming home to roost, y'all. The black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the realm of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We keepin' it real, and we gonna get respect by any means necessary.

Holden:
Ah, come on, that's a bunch of horse sh*t! Lando Calrissian was a black guy. You know, and he got to fly the Millennium Falcon, what's the matter with you?

Hooper:
Who said that?

Holden:
I did! Lando Calrissian is a strong role-model in the realm of science fiction/fantasy.

Hooper:
F*** Lando Calrissian! Uncle-Tom n*gger! Some white boy's always gotta bring up the "Holy Trilogy". But those movies is all about how the white man keeps the brotha man down, even in a galaxy far far away. Check this sh*t. You got cracker farm boy, Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god!

Banky:
What's a "Nubian"?

Hooper:
Shut the f*** up! Now, Vader, he's a spiritual brother, down with the Force and all that good sh*t. Then this cracker, Skywalker, gets his hands on a lightsaber and the boy decides he's gonna run the f***ing universe; gets a whole clan of whites together and they go and bust up Vader's hood, the Death Star. Now, what the f*** do you call that?

Banky:
Intergalactic Civil War?

Hooper:
Gentrification! They gon' drive out the black element to make the galaxy quote, unquote, "safe for white folks." And Jedi is the most insulting installment! Because Vader's beautiful black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty, old white man! They tryin' to tell us that deep inside we all wants to be white!

Banky:
Well isn't that true? [Hooper pulls out a gun and shoots Banky]

Alyssa:
F*** you.

Banky:
Not even if you let me video tape it.

Holden:
What are you doing?

Alyssa:
Get back in the car and get out of here.

Holden:
What, are you going to hitch to New York?

Alyssa:
Yeah!

Holden:
Well, aren't you at least going to comment?

Alyssa:
Here's my comment: f*** you!

Holden:
Why?

Alyssa:
That was so unfair. You know how unfair that was!

Holden:
What, it's unfair that I'm in love with you?

Alyssa:
No, it's unfortunate that you're in love with me. It's unfair that you felt the f***ing need to unburden your soul about it! Do you remember for one f***ing second who I am?!

Holden:
So? I mean, you know, people change.

Alyssa:
Oh, it's that simple? You fall in love with me and want a romantic relationship, nothing changes for you! With the exception of feeling hunky-dory all the time, but what about me, Holden?! It's not that simple! I just can't get into a relationship with you without throwing my whole f***ing world into upheaval!

Holden:
Alyssa, that's every relationship! There's always going to be a period of adjustment.

Alyssa:
[She pauses, looking at him with disdain] "Period of adjustment"? [She hits him] THERE'S NO PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT, HOLDEN! I AM F***ING GAY! THAT'S WHO I AM! AND YOU ASSUME THAT I CAN JUST TURN THAT AROUND JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A F***ING CRUSH?!

Holden:
If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened.

Alyssa:
[She shakes her head ruefully] Go home, Holden.

Silent Bob:
[to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're Chasing Amy.

Holden:
What? What did you say?

Silent Bob:
You're Chasing Amy.

Jay:
What do you look so shocked for, man, fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have some impact when he does open his f***in' mouth...

Silent Bob:
[to Jay] Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time, you're givin' me a f***in' headache. [to Holden] I went through something like what you're talkin' 'bout, 'couple years ago, this chick named Amy.

Jay:
When?

Silent Bob:
[annoyed] A couple of years ago?

Jay:
What'd she live in Canada or something? Why don't I remember this?

Silent Bob:
B*tch, what you don't know about me I could just about squeeze in the Grand f***ing Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas? [does a quick dance hands gesture] Bet you didn't even know that sh*t, did you?

Jay:
[bored] Just tell your f***in' story so we can get out of here and smoke this.

Silent Bob:
[to Holden] So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend, which, as we all know, is a really dumb move, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to know, right? Stupid guy bullshit. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they fell in love, and how they went out for a couple of years, how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times, while they were going out, he'd brought some people to bed with them - ménage a trois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to that sort of thing. I was raised Catholic, for God's sakes.

Jay:
Saint Shithead.

[Silent Bob elbows him. Jay raises his fist as if to strike]

Silent Bob:
[to Jay] Do something. [to Holden] So I'm totally weirded out by this right? And I just start blasting her - like I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is by calling her "slut", and tell her she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood. I really want to hurt this girl. And I'm like "What the f*** is your problem?" and she's just all calmly trying to tell me, like, it was that time, it was that place, and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. And I'm like, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye and tell her it's over. I walk.

Jay:
F***in' A.

Silent Bob:
No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like...like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm sayin'? But what I did not get - she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was...she was looking for me, for - for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figured this all out, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away. So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy...so to speak.

Alyssa:
[about Holden's new comic, "Chasing Amy"] Looks like a very personal story.

Holden:
I finally had something personal to say.

Banky Edwards:
[to Alyssa] Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?

Banky Edwards:
Catholic school girls. The uniform's what does it for me. I wish I had've went with more Catholic school girls when I was a kid. As it stands I have no, "And then she unzipped her jumper," stories.

Jay:
[to Holden] B*tch tasted life, yo, now she's settlin' for your boring, funny-book-makin' ass.