Clerks II

Randal Graves:
One semester we took Criminology, for God's sake! Criminology! Who the f*** were we studying to be: Batman?

Randal Graves:
So that's the way you see all this time we've spent together? That's weird, man. I thought you were the only guy in the world who got me and had my back, the only person who'd take a bullet for me, 'cause I assumed you felt the same way about me the same way I feel about you. Then all of the sudden one day you're like, "I'm movin'. Bye." Do you know what that's been like for me? I'm lookin' at a future that just sucks cause you aren't gonna be in it anymore. And you're not even throwin' me over for a life that means something to you. It's just a stupid, hollow existence you think you should embrace because you're getting old or something, because it's the life everyone else goes after. You're a f***in drone, dude.

Randal Graves:
Man, you must love this f***ing guy, 'cause he's the biggest p*ssy I ever met, the dude who lives his life according to everyone else's standards. "I have to go down to Florida and get married because that what's expected of me." And the f***ing insane part is, he ain't even crazy about the chick he's marrying or Florida, never mind the fact that he's got a perfectly good chick right here in Jersey who he's nuts about and even Anne-f***ing-Frank can see that she's nuts about him - God knows why. And she likes you for who you are, man. She ain't trying to stuff you into a box you'll never fit into, not to mention that she's carrying your hideous f***ing C.H.U.D. of a kid. Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever, you'd f***ing stop trying to bray it up with the rest of the sheep and live your life the way it makes sense to you, you f***ing ass.

Randal Graves:
What's the point of having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird f***ed-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?

Randal Graves:
Alright look, there's only one "Return", okay, and it ain't of the King. It's of the Jedi.

Randal Graves:
You're my best friend and I love you, in a totally heterosexual way. Please don't leave me.

Randal Graves:
Who would be friends with me? I hate everyone and everything seems stupid to me.

Dante Hicks:
You never go ass to mouth!

Dante Hicks:
What'd you do that for?! You realize he just thinks you're trying to get him into a three-way with us now, don't you?

Jay:
You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hangin' out in front of places sellin' weed 'n sh*t. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals 'n sh*t. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah... I'd be the first motherf***er to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form... and f*** it. And people'd be, like, "There he goes; homeboy f***ed a Martian once."

Jay:
(From an alternate introduction to the characters) Ooh, I f***ing hate sobriety, tubby! Everything's so crisp and loud now, and boring. It's boring, son! It's boring! Well, you could do more to help that, you know. This whole 'not talking' sh*t's getting old. It didn't matter when I was high, cause I'd just imagine you were talking in my head, like The Shining and sh*t, son. Like The Shining and sh*t. 'Jay's not here right now, Missus Torrance. Silent Bob's the man who lives inside my mouth'...eww, you f***ing f*ggot, I bet you'd love to live in my mouth." (Silent Bob rolls his eyes) "Well, you had your chance. Back when I was high, you might have had a chance to slip your chubby little cock in me without me noticing, but that sh*t's NEVER gonna happen now that I'm all dry and sh*t...like your mom's puss. (Pause) That is, unless you got a joint? (Silent Bob shoots him a look of shock and surprise.) Ooh! Ooh, Motherf***er! You're SO f***ing lucky! See, I was just testing you. You're lucky you passed, or I'd have to get rid of you as my sponsor. And then you'd cry like a little B*TCH!

Jay:
That guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.

Elias:
What's sexier than an elf princess's sword?

Elias:
I hope that donkey doesn't have a hiney troll.

Elias:
At Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!

Becky:
I'm telling you this only because I'm your friend... Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth.

Becky:
[after walking on the donkey show] I'm disgusted, I'm repulsed... And I can't look away.

Elias:
I've turned down chicks left and right!

Randal:
Your chicks are your left and right.

Randal:
Dude, The Transformers sucked.

Elias:
Oh, no they didn't. They were more than meets the eye. They could beat the pants off Ranger Danger any day.

Randal:
Yeah, I'll lose sleep wondering whether you're right about that or not. Thought you weren't allowed to watch a lot of TV in your house 'cause you're all Christian and sh*t.

Elias:
Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not a slight against God.

Randal:
Dude, the Transformers were a total slight against God, in as much as God sent His only begotten Son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay Him back was make terrible f***ing cartoons like the Transformers.

Elias:
(pause) Nice shot. Well, see... At Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!

Randal:
No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One. (voice deepens, walks slowly towards Elias)

Elias:
I really don't wanna hear this, Randal. (reaches for head phones trying to ignore Randal)

Randal:
The first of the fallen. The spoiler of virgins. The MASTER of abortions!.

Elias:
You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal! (puts on the head phones)

Randal:
(grabbing drive-thru microphone and singing) Let me help you out of your chair Grandma! Grandma!

Jay:
(shows up in window) Grandma what was it like?! To be on that holiday site!

Randal:
Late that night-

Jay:
I awoke from my sleep! Hearing!

Jay & Randal:
Unknown! Voices! Laughing insane! (Pushing Elias back and forth between Randal and Jay)

[A customer approaches Elias at the counter]

Hobbit fan:
Hey man.

[Elias changes hats before taking the customer's order]

Elias:
Welcome to Mooby's. May I take your order?

Hobbit fan:
Yeah, um... see... give me one Udderly Delicious Moolkshake, a Skinny Calf and an order of onion rings. Thanks.

[Elias keys in the order]

Elias:
One ring to rule them all.

[Surprised look on the customer's face]

Hobbit fan:
One ring to find them.

Randal:
Oh, Jesus.

[Elias pulls out his ring hanging on his necklace]

Elias:
One ring to bring them all.

Hobbit fan:
And in the darkness, bind them.

[Customer pulls out his ring from his pocket]

Elias:
Yes!

Hobbit fan:
Dude!

[Exchanges high-five with customer]

Elias:
How many times?

Hobbit fan:
Well, um, three for Fellowship, two for Towers, four for Return.

Elias:
Five for Return.

[Randal walks by them]

Randal:
All right, look... There's only one Return, okay? And it ain't of the King, it's of the Jedi.

Hobbit fan:
Oh... Star Wars geek.

Randal:
Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your "preciouses".

Elias:
You'll have to excuse him. He's not down with the trilogy.

Randal:
Oh, what the f*** happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you f***ing morons.

Hobbit fan:
You know what? Maybe we should start calling your friend "Padme", because he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right? Hey - [impersonating a robot] Danger! Danger! My name is Anakin! My shitty acting is ruining saga!

Elias:
Yeah, you're crazy, Jar Jar!

Randal:
I'm crazy? Those f***ing Hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was was a bunch of people walking. Three movies of people walking through a f***ing volcano. Here's the first movie...

[Randal jumps off the counter and walks slowly with his mouth open before walking back to the counter]

Randal:
And here's the second movie...

[Randal does the same walk, except that midway, he sidesteps to the left and looks down before walking back to the counter]

Hobbit fan:
He is way off. Loser.

Randal:
You ready for the third movie?

[Randal does the same walk, but stops, looks down, pretends to pull a ring from his finger and drops it as two other customers watch him while eating]

Customer A:
F***ing A.

Randal:
Even the f***ing trees walked in those movies.

Hobbit fan:
You know what? I've had enough of you. Your simplistic analysis of the trilogy aside, The Lord of the Rings was a massive achievement. And even the Academy recognized them that they gave Peter Jackson the Best Directing Oscar - an award your little friend George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never - and will never - win. Bones.

[Exchanges fist salute with Elias]

Elias:
Oh, sick burn.

Randal:
Let me tell you something. If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, he would've ended the third one on a logical closure point. Not the 25 endings that followed.

Elias:
What's the logical closure point?

Hobbit fan:
Yeah, friend. Enlighten us.

Randal:
When f***ing Fredo wakes up from his little coma or whatever and the little Hobbits are jumping up and down on his bed. And Sam leans in the doorway and gives him that very f***ing gay look.

Elias:
Not the Rings Randal. Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this.

Hobbit fan:
I ought to kick your ass back to the shire if you don't shut your f***ing mouth.

Randal:
That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk, so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his f***ing cock. Now that would've been an Academy Award-worthy ending.

Hobbit fan:
Hey! F*ggot! They're not gay! They're Hobbits.

Randal:
And then right after the Sam/Frodo suck-fest, right before the credits roll, Sam f***ing flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth.

Hobbit fan:
I swear... F*** you...!

[Hobbit fan suddenly vomits. Randal runs to the manager's office, laughing.]

Randal:
I made fun of The Lord of the Rings so hard, it made some super geek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?

Elias:
[removing a smoking black basket of fries] I don't think these look right.

Randal Graves:
Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!

Elias:
It's not my fault you abandoned your post!

Randal Graves:
Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What, does a machine gotta transform into some giant f***in' robot before you'll take it seriously?

'[Dante and Randal are arguing about a wheelchair-bound customer]

Dante Hicks:
This guy found a way to reach out to a world he feels isolated from, and you found a way to take issue with it.

Randal Graves:
Oh, sure, take his side.

Dante Hicks:
Have you become so embittered that you feel the need to attack the handicapped?

Randal Graves:
What "handicapped"? He's just in a wheelchair - it's not like he's Anne Frank or something.

Dante Hicks:
[confused] Anne Frank?

Randal Graves:
Yeah, Anne Frank. The chick who was all [idiot voice] "duhhh!" until the miracle worker showed up and knocked some smarts into her.

Dante Hicks:
You're talking about Helen Keller.

Randal Graves:
No, I'm not. I'm talking about Anne Frank. She was deaf, dumb and blind.

Dante Hicks:
No, she wasn't - Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.

Randal Graves:
Are you sure?

Dante Hicks:
Yep.

Randal Graves:
Then who the f*** is Anne Frank?

Dante Hicks:
Anne Frank was the little Jewish girl who hid from the Nazis in a little room with her family. She wrote a diary.

Randal Graves:
Oh, yeah. Well then, I guess this guy is like Anne Frank, what with the diary and all.

Dante Hicks:
[exasperated] No, he's like Helen Keller, with the handicap!

Randal Graves:
You alway gotta be right, don't you, you Nazi douchebag?

Randal:
You're in the bestiality business, dude.

Sexy Stud:
Hey, f***-o! We like to call it inter-species erotica.

Randal:
Intriguing.

Randal Graves:
Since when is it a crime to say "porch monkey"?

Becky:
Oh, since, I don't know, forever?!

Randal Graves:
Why?

Dante Hicks:
Because porch monkey is a racial slur against black people!

Randal Graves:
No it's not - n*gger is.

Dante Hicks:
[horrified] Randal!

Elias:
Did Mr. Randal just call Mr. Dante a n*gger?

Becky:
Shut up, Elias!

Randal Graves:
I didn't just call Dante a n*gger, I just said that n*gger is a racial slur.

Dante Hicks:
So is porch monkey!

Randal Graves:
Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog - those are racial slurs. Porch monkey is not.

Becky:
I'm going to pretend that this conversation didn't happen. Elias, go pick up that f***ing mess. [points at Randal] And you are this close to getting sh*t-canned! Shoot me now! [storms off]

Dante Hicks:
What are you doing? Are you trying to get fired?

Randal Graves:
Since when did porch monkey become a racial slur?

Dante Hicks:
When ignorant racists started using it 100 years ago!

Randal Graves:
Oh, bullshit. My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors.

Dante Hicks:
Despite the fact that your grandmother used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur. It would be like your grandmother calling you a little kike.

Randal Graves:
Oh, it is not. Besides, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community. She used to tell me to be always be nice to the Jewish kids, or they'd put the sheenie curse on me.

Dante Hicks:
WHAT THE F***, MAN?!

Randal Graves:
What?

Dante hicks:
Sheenie is a racial slur too!

Randal Graves:
Oh, it is not!

Dante Hicks:
Yes, it is!

Randal Graves:
Well, she never called any Jews sheenies, she just said "sheenie curse" a lot. It was cute.

Dante Hicks:
It wasn't cute, it was racist!

Randal Graves:
I disagree, man. She was just an old-timer. That's the way people talked back then. It didn't mean they were racists. [thinks for a moment] But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a n*gger knife.

[Dante is flabbergasted]

Randal Graves:
You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.

Dante Hicks:
You think?!

Randal Graves:
Well, I still don't think that porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people. I think if we really tried, we could take back porch monkey and save it.

Dante Hicks:
[fed up] It can't be saved, Randal. The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race. And even if it could be saved, you couldn't save it because you're not black!

Randal Graves:
Well, listen to you - telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin. You're the racist, man!

Dante Hicks:
Can you feel it?

Randal Graves:
Feel what?

Dante Hicks:
Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.