Come Fly with Me

Narrator:
Omar is one of Britain's most high profile businessmen. But today he has woken up to find himself in the middle of a PR disaster.

Omar Baba:
[on the phone] Why? Have not had plane crash since Tuesday!

Narrator:
There have been allegations in the morning papers that FlyLo planes have been flying without lifejackets. But Omar is quick to respond.

[the documentary cuts to Omar in the cabin of a FlyLo plane]

Omar Baba:
[to the camera, gesturing at the seats] This seat, lifejacket! This seat, lifejacket! This seat, lifejacket! This seat...

[he checks underneath the seat]

Omar Baba:
Lifejacket soon! This seat, lifejacket. And what's more, I've made easier than ever for passengers to use the lifejackets. I'll show you.

[he grunts as he squeezes himself into one of the economy class seats]

Omar Baba:
OK, we are on our holidays. Suddenly, plane falls into sea. Kaboom! Plane is now filling with water. "Aah! Aah! Help me!" Not a problem! Simply reach under your seat...

[he grunts and wheezes as he reaches under his seat and pulls out a bulky electronic credit card reader]

Omar Baba:
[reading out the words on the display screen] Do you want to purchase lifejacket? Yes.

[presses button]

Omar Baba:
Swipe card and enter PIN. OK.

[he takes out a credit card, swipes it and keys in the PIN number]

Omar Baba:
Would you like priority disembarkation? Hmmm... Yes. Purchase whistle? Yes. Add to cart. Total: ?60. Lifejacket is now mine - for 20 minute. After 20 minute, it deflates automatically and I simply swim back into plane to pay for more. Is good, no?

[he gives the thumbs up]

Narrator:
Fearghal works for one of FlyLo's rivals, the low cost Irish airline Our Lady Air. And aviation runs in his family.

Fearghal O'Farrell:
There's ten of us, ten boys, we're all gay, except Finbar, who's bi, and we're all cabin crew. That's right, we're all flyers. Everyone in my family flies, except my mother, she's never flown. Well, she's never not been pregnant.

Ian Foot:
As an Immigration Officer I am the first line of defence of this country's borders. And yes, I have been accused of being a racist. But if being highly suspicious of all foreigners makes you a racist then... [he laughs] Yeah! I mean, sure! Lock me up and throw away the key!

Keeley St Clair:
How's it going with your boyfriend?

Melody Baines:
Which one?

Keeley St Clair:
Craig.

Melody Baines:
Black Craig or White Craig?

Keeley St Clair:
White Craig.

Melody Baines:
He's in prison.

Keeley St Clair:
What for?

Melody Baines:
Beating up Black Craig.

Omar Baba:
Toilets take up too much space on plane. If it is an hour flight, two hours, to Rome, to Paris... you can hold it in!

Member of the Royal Household:
Do you provide yoghurt?

Penny Carter:
Yes, we have the finest organic yoghurt flown in daily from Guernsey.

Member of the Royal Household:
The Princess detests yoghurt.

Disgruntled Passenger #3:
I'm here with my wife and kids, this is our holiday, thanks to you lot going on strike, you've ruined our holiday!

Taaj Manzoor:
No, boss, you ruined your holiday.

Disgruntled Passenger #3:
Well, how'd you work that one out?

Taaj Manzoor:
Because you was a cheapskate and you booked with a crap airline, isn't it?

Flying School Interviewer:
Qualifications. Do you have any GCSEs?

Tommy Reid:
Uh, well, you see, we don't have GCSEs in Scotland, we just have Standards.

Flying School Interviewer:
Oh, I'm sorry. Do you have any Standards?

Tommy Reid:
No.

[Tommy is talking to the film crew about how he thought the interview went, then the Interviewer comes out of his office]

Tommy Reid:
Did I get it?

Flying School Interviewer:
I'm sorry?

Tommy Reid:
Did I get it?

Flying School Interviewer:
We'll write to you.

Tommy Reid:
Oh no, don't do that, I cannae read.

[the Interviewer looks awkward and goes back inside his office]

Tommy Reid:
[turning back to the film crew, giving the thumbs up] I think I got it!

Omar Baba:
I am... humble man. When I started this airline, all I had was a dream. And 3.2 billion pounds my father gave me.

[Fearghal O'Farrell has just won the Steward of the Year award, except he's in joint first-place with a stewardess]

Fearghal O'Farrell:
Bull-sh*t! There's no way I'm sharing this award with her! I scored 100% in those customer satisfaction forms! I know because I filled in every one myself! I force-fed nuts to a man with a nut allergy and then saved his life, AND I slept with the Chairman of Our Lady Air!

[he snatches the trophy off the stewardess]

Fearghal O'Farrell:
I'm having this! Thank you and goodnight.

[he storms off the stage]

Dale Winton:
What's got into her?

Fearghal O'Farrell:
Gay, orange, turd!

okay b*tches the p*ssy wagon has arrived.-taaj manzoor

i got no coffee