Comedy Central Presents

Brian Regan "himself":
I don't know what's up with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Hey you got apple let's make it cran-apple go 50-50. You got grape cran-grape, you got pork chops cran-chops. Settle down there cranberry man, take you salesman trophy and take a vacation.

Brian Regan:
[on using gym equipment] I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!

Brian Regan:
I always get nervous with that one test. "Tell me the exact moment point A is directly over point B." I'm like, "Ahhhhh! Now! No, now! Now! Then! I don't know I don't know." I'm afraid if I get it off by an eight of a second I'll get these big, hubble coming attraction glasses. "You must have messed up that A B test!" "Did I ever. Hence the corrective spectacles!"

Brian Regan:
Peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. I don't understand that. I mean, I'm lazy but I'd like to meet the guy that needs that. This guy must be thinking, "I could go for a sandwich, but I'm not gonna open TWO jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars and cleaning WHO KNOWS how many knives."

Carlos Mencia:
We gotta be honest with our kids! If your short ass son says "dad, am I gonna be in the NBA?" Ya gotta tell em..."NO son, you're gonna be in the f***in' circus!"

Carlos Mencia:
You don't want to be the person that had a fight, a little insignificant fight with your spouse. So you did it, and you were pissed, but you stayed pissed at your wife. Not cause it was real, but hell, we'll make up later. In the morning you woke up, and things were still bad, but you kept that... cause hey, I'll come back. And then what happened? You went to your building, and you were, sadly, on that 90th floor and 9/11 happened, and you're never going back home again. The best you could do is call your woman or man and say "I love you." And you missed that last night. Why? Because you thought it would last forever. See, every comedy show you've ever been to ends with a big joke. Cause that's what you need. I end with a big joke, you laugh, I say goodnight, and that's how it's supposed to be. But that ain't life my friends, if you learn one thing from me, it's that sometimes, sometimes...

[Cook begins talk about Catholic practices]

Dane Cook:
It was Peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful EYE!"

Dane Cook:
[holding hands up as if advertising something next to his face] Start out your day the holy way with Christ Chex!

Dane Cook:
[talking about time travel] I just want to run up and slap my dad's ass and run off screaming, "I'm your son from the future.! Ahh! I'm your son. From the future!"

Dane Cook:
I had to go to the DMV. Or as I like to call it, "Satan's A**hole".

Dane Cook:
Suck my back!

Dane Cook:
This is like Rock N' Roll with no music.

Demetri Martin:
I like parties, but I don't like pi?atas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

Demetri Martin:
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Demetri Martin:
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Demetri Martin:
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

Demetri Martin:
'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live.'

Demetri Martin:
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

Demetri Martin:
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

Demetri Martin:
I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an a**hole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an a**hole out here?' They look like trees.

Demetri Martin:
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

Demetri Martin:
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like 'Huh? What the hell is this?', but if it's in a fruit basket you're like 'This is nice!.'

Demetri Martin:
I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like 'Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn.'

Demetri Martin:
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

Demetri Martin:
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

Demetri Martin:
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Demetri Martin:
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

Demetri Martin:
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. 'Dude make a left.' 'Those are trees... ' 'Trust me.'

Demetri Martin:
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.' [Ladies, that's not true]

Demetri Martin:
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

Demetri Martin:
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

Demetri Martin:
I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'

Demetri Martin:
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?

Demetri Martin:
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

Demetri Martin:
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Demetri Martin:
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Demetri Martin:
If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk. [cue card of bird with 4 wings saying 'I'm awkward']

Demetri Martin:
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Demetri Martin:
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Demetri Martin:
I was at a party, and I saw a guy with a leather jacket, and I thought, 'That's cool'. Then I saw a guy with a leather vest and I thought, 'That's not cool'. It was then that I realized what coolness is all about... leather sleeves.

[turns page on drawing pad to reveal the phrase "I OWN LEATHER SLEEVES."]

Demetri Martin:
I was in a card store and there were these cards that said "Get well soon." F*** that! Get well *now*!

Frank Caliendo:
I think it's great that we have a President who always looks as if he's staring into the sun. [as Bush] Could somebody give me a pair o' sunglasses, 'cause I can't see sh*t out here.

Freddy:
[in Spanish accent] You better find it because if I come down there and I find I'm going to kick you ass!

Greg Proops:
Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.

Greg Proops:
My feeling is, the Pilgrims were asked to leave England. England was never funner than when the Pilgrims split, right? The people of England got a little tired of these dour, right-winged conservative psycho-Christians wearing all black, bumming people out, confusing everyone by wearing buckles on... their heads. "Is that tight enough for you, Cotton?" "Yea, verily."

Greg Proops:
...I have to hear this all the time in England: "Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm." Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.

Greg Proops:
How come we got the grumpy boat of bandy-legged Puritans? How come we didn't get the Italian party boat with the cappuccino makers and the gelato machine? That was the sexy boat, man.

Walter:
I hate this frickin' job!

Jeff Dunham:
Why's that?

Walter:
[referring to Peanut] Making me go after that purple idiot! He's like a Muppet on crack. [referring to Jos? Jalape?o] Him and that Filipino on a stick.

Jeff Dunham:
Actually, he's a *jalape?o*! He's a jalape?o!

Walter:
Filipino, jalape?o, just put him on a stick and get him the hell out!

Jeff Dunham:
Where did you get the suit?

Melvin the Superhero Guy:
Online auction. [audience laughs] Shut up! I defeated the highest bidder!

Jeff Dunham:
Are you ready?

Jos? Jalape?o:
I'm ready, se?or.

Peanut:
Now most people don't know but tell them what you are.

Jos? Jalape?o:
I'm the jalape?o on a stick!

Jeff Dunham:
What's your name?

Jos? Jalape?o:
My name Jos?.

Peanut:
Jos? what?

Jos? Jalape?o:
Jos? Jalape?o.

Jeff Dunham:
Oh.

Jos? Jalape?o:
On a Stick!

Peanut:
And you're Mexican?

Jos? Jalape?o:
No, se?or. Mexicans are from Mexico. I'm Puerto Rican.

Jeff Dunham:
Oh.

Jos? Jalape?o:
I'm from New York City.

Jeff Dunham:
Look, Peanut, you're just going to have to be nicer to Jos?.

Peanut:
Okay, Jos?, ?Como esta usted?

Jos? Jalape?o:
?Muy bien!

Peanut:
?Poner a t? habl??

Jos? Jalape?o:
Oh, s?, ?Bueno!

Jeff Dunham:
Peanut, what are you doing?

Peanut:
I'm speaking to Jos? in his native tongue?

Jeff Dunham:
Could you not do that?

Peanut:
Why not?

Jeff Dunham:
Well, it makes me feel... left out.

Peanut:
Huh?

Jeff Dunham:
Well, I don't speak Spanish.

[both Peanut and Jos? look at Jeff]

Jos? Jalape?o:
You are a sick person, Se?or.

Peanut:
You're a sick guy!

Jos? Jalape?o:
On a stick!

Jimmy Carr:
If we're all god's children, what's so special about Jesus?

Lewis Black:
What's the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks!

Lewis Black:
Is oral sex adultery? Yes! There is no discussion! If curling is an olympic sport, then oral sex is adultry. And oral sex should be an olympic sport because it's more difficult than curling and if you're any good at it, you deserve a medal!

[about moving into a new apartment]

Mike Birbiglia:
I have this habit of making awkward situations more awkward. I was moving my bed in last week, and this woman who lived in the building opened the front door of the building with her key. And she said "I'm not worried, because a rapist wouldn't have a bed like that."

[laughter]

Mike Birbiglia:
Now, what I *should* have said was nothing. What I *did* say was "you'd be surprised."

[laughter]

Mike Birbiglia:
Which is really hard to segue out of, you know?

Mike Birbiglia:
I'm not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem, but I am the kind of guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy.

[laughter]

[about visiting his parents]

Mike Birbiglia:
My dad always tries to get me to fix his computer when I'm home. He's like "you're really good at computers, you should be a computer programmer." I'm like "you're so bad at computers, you should be a caveman."

[laughter]

Mike Birbiglia:
I had my mom fax me something recently. And then she called me up and said "hey, Mike, could you fax that back? That's my only copy."

[laughter]

Mike Birbiglia:
Yeah, that actually happened. And I'm trying to figure out how she thought the machine worked, you know? Like whether the paper goes through the air...

[laughter]

[about his last name]

Mike Birbiglia:
It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "F*ggot". Some were more clever than others.

Mike Birbiglia:
I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

Mike Birbiglia:
I wanted to be a rapper. But rap was very innocent back then. It was all like "Rippity-rap-rap-rap-tastic!" It's gotten so arbitrarily aggressive now, they'll be like, "It's 2005, motherf***er!" And I'm like, "Really? You're mad about the date? You gotta pick your battles, man, because no one's gonna believe you when you're mad about real stuff." [as a rapper] "You crashed into my car, motherf***er!" [as himself] "Yeah, well, you were mad that it was 2005. You're like the boy who cried 'motherf***er'!"

Mike Birbiglia:
I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"

Mike Birbiglia:
I'm not very good at drinking either. I just become another person when I drink. One time, I went out drinking and I met this girl and she gave me her number and I didn't want to call her back because I don't think she fell in love with me. I think she fell in love with Two Drink Mike. You know, Two Drink Mike loves dancing and knows a magic trick. Zero Drink Mike enjoys biographies and has serious opinions about wildlife. And Five Drink Mike enjoys dancing with wildlife.

Mike Birbiglia:
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"

Mike Birbiglia:
I just love doing that voice: "Me and my cracker friends..." That's like my white guy doing a black guy doing a white guy voice, because all these black comics have that one white guy voice like "This is ridiculous!" like we all sound like British detectives. I don't know anyone who does talk like that. I feel bad for the one guy on Earth who does and he's watching all these black comics on TV and he's like, "This is preposterous! That doesn't sound like me at all! Wait'll I get my hands on that black fellow but first I'm gonna dance!"

Mitch Hedberg:
I like the escalator, man, 'cause the escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, only an "Escalator Temporarily Stairs - Sorry for the Convenience."

Mitch Hedberg:
I love you guys. Thanks for coming to my special.

Mitch Hedberg:
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Mitch Hedberg:
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, "F*** that - I'll just make a copy!"

Mitch Hedberg:
I like Kit-Kats... unless I'm with 4 or more people.

Mitch Hedberg:
I'm a Heroin addict, I need to have sex with women who save peoples lives.

Mitch Hedberg:
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedberg:
Acid has opened up my mind. I saw through the bullshit.

Mitch Hedberg:
You know, you can't please all the people all the time, and last night, all those people were at my show.

[imitating overly dramatic film trailer narration]

Pablo Francisco:
Jean-Claude Van Damme is back... in "The Same Crap You've Seen Over and Over and Over and Over"...

Pablo Francisco:
[imitating his Mexican girlfriend] I got caller ID.

Pablo Francisco:
Doesn't it suck - nice body, ugly face? Doesn't that suck? It's like "I love spaghetti! But it's got sh*t on it!"

Pablo Francisco:
It's not R'n'B music you know. R'n'B music is always five black guys with no shirt. "Yeah, I'm horny, Yeah." They always singing how fine a girl is. "Girl you're fine. Lay you down fine." They always say smooth soft and silky in every song don't they then they put beats to it. "Girl you're smooth, you're soft, fine... silky"

Pablo Francisco:
Male dancers, they gotta shave their [whistles] . Shavin' their juebos. I can just imagine the commercial for an aftershave, Juebo Splash. [beatboxes dance music] "Good job, Tom." "Hey, thanks. Y'know, being a male dancer's pretty hard, and when I need to shave my juebos, I use Juebo Splash." "Juebo Splash, you sexy motherf***er."

Ron White:
You ever take a crap so big your pants fit better?

Ron White:
At that point I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

Stephen Lynch:
Now, I think we should get right to the story, and I've brought a very special one for you today. It's called, the Story of Steven and His Hilariously Funny Songs of a Suggestive and Questionable Nature. Lets get right to it, shall we?

Stephen Lynch:
Hush little girl, sweet baby don't cry, tonight / daddy is here and he'll sing you a soft lullaby, tonight / Why can't it all, be like it was before? / How can I explain why mommy's not here anymore? / 'Cuz daddy likes porno and ten-dollar whores / daddy gets wasted and robs liquor stores / daddy likes rubbing against little boys on the bus / I think that's why mommy left us / Mommy left us / Hush, little girl, there is no reason to fret, tonight / Don't mind the smoke, daddy just wants to forget, [inhales sharply] tonight [exhales] / Soon it will all be like it was before / Any minute she will walk through that front door / But daddy plays poker and drinks lots of beer / then he wants sex that involves mommy's rear / Daddy has sores on his naughty parts oozing with pus / I think that's why mommy left us / Please, don't cry / I swear I'll try / to be here by your side... / right after daddy gets home from the bar / visits his bookie and steals a new car / he'll drive to the strip club, and if daddy plays his cards right / he'll bring home your new mommy tonight / lye dee dye, lye dye dye dee dye dye dee duh...

Stephen Lynch:
Boys and girls, that was it! He knew how to make himself happy. He would write music and play songs. Not only would this make him happy but, surely he would get lots of ass too.

Stephen Lynch:
Now kids, you can make your very own superhero. If you could, who would it be? [sings] If I could be a superhero, would you be, Justice Guy? / Making sure people get what they deserve, especially women who lie / Like if a wife left her husband with three kids and no job / to run off to f***in' Hawaii with some doctor named Bob / You could skin them and drain them of all of their blood so they'd die [under breath] especially Bob / And you would be Justice Guy / Or you could be more subtle, no I didn't mean to be vague / give her the Mad Cow Disease, let him die of the Plague / as long as they suffer for their terrible lies [under breath] especially Bob / Then you would be Justice Guy / Yes then you would be / a su - per - hero like meeeee.

Stephen Lynch:
If I were gay, I would give you my soul, if I were gay, I would give you my hole... being, if I were gay, we would tear down the walls, but I'm not gay, so won't you stop cupping my... hand.

[first lines]

Stephen Lynch:
Shut the f*** up!

Wanda Sykes:
Comedy Central told I had to watch my language, because, the woman said, "they had standards and practices." I was like, "Wait a minute. You're Comedy Central! Aren't you the network where your number one show is a cartoon with a talkin' piece of sh*t?"

Zach Galifianakis:
I like to go to really bad movies, during their sixth week at the theatre. And there's only one other person in the room. I like to sit *right* by that person. And they're like, 'excuse me', and I'm like, 'Shhh, I can't hear Keanu.'

Zach Galifianakis:
I've, uh, been working on some impressions, and I like to call this one a gay snake, ok. A gay snake:... sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. Thank you.

Zach Galifianakis:
Here's a character I like to call the Timid Pimp. 'Hi, hi Amber? It's Marcus... yeah, I'll hold.'