Dazed and Confused

Mike:
I'm just trying to be honest about being a misanthrope.

Simone:
I did it when I was a freshman, and you'll do it when you're seniors. but you're doing great. Now fry like bacon, you little freshman piggies. Fry!

Wooderson:
Let me tell you what Melba Toast is packin' right here, alright. We got 411 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper Edelbrock intakes, bored over 30, 11 to 1 pop-up pistons, turbo-jet 390 horsepower. We're talkin' some f***in' muscle.

Wooderson:
Alright, alright, alright.

Wooderson:
Yeah, well, listen. You ought to ditch the two geeks you're in the car with now and get in with us. But that's alright, we'll worry about that later. I will see you there. All right?

Pickford:
Slater-san, how's it goin'?

Slater:
Fixin' to be a lot better, man.

Dawson:
Well, all I'm saying is that I want to look back and say that I did I the best I could while I was stuck in this place. Had as much fun as I could while I was stuck in this place. Played as hard as I could while I was stuck in this place... Dogged as many girls as I could while I was stuck in this place.

Jodi:
What are we having? Social hour over here? I'm supposed to be being a b*tch.

Cynthia:
I'd like to quit thinking of the present, like right now, as some minor, insignificant preamble to somethin' else.

Cynthia:
God, don't you ever feel like everything we do and everything we've been taught is just to service the future?

Tony:
Yeah I know, like it's all preparation.

Cynthia:
Right. But what are we preparing ourselves for?

Mike:
Death.

Tony:
Life of the party.

Mike:
It's true.

Cynthia:
You know, but that's valid because if we are all gonna die anyway shouldn't we be enjoying ourselves now? You know, I'd like to quit thinking of the present, like right now, as some minor insignificant preamble to something else.

Tony:
So, you're not gonna go to law school? What do you wanna do then?

Mike:
I wanna dance!

Dawson:
Vicki. Come on, let's skip out and go get naked. Come on let's go.

Mike:
It's what everybody in this car needs is some good ol' worthwhile visceral experience.

Tony:
NeoMcCarthyism, I like that.

Mike:
Don't air raid for that b*tch, I hate that sh*t. It's like that Clint f***er in front of all his friends. Huh? Huh mother f***er.

Tony:
Okay Mike.

Mike:
Dominant male monkey mother f***er.

Darla:
Lick me, all of you.

Slater:
Imagine how many people out there are f***in' right now man, just goin' at it.

Slater:
George Washington was in a cult, and the cult was into aliens, man.

Slater:
Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man.

Slater:
This place used to be off limits, man, 'cause some drunk freshman fell off. He went right down the middle, smacking his head on every beam, man. I hear it doesn't hurt after the first couple though. Autopsy said he had one beer, how many did you have?

Mitch:
Four.

Slater:
You're dead, man, you're so dead. Look at the blood stains right there.

Darla:
What are you looking at? Wipe that face off your head, b*tch.

Pink:
Don, have you ever thought about why we play football? How many times have you gotten laid strictly because you're a football player?

Don:
I don't know. A few, I guess.

Wooderson:
The older you get, the more rules they are going to try and get you to follow. You just gotta keep on livin', man. L-I-V-I-N.

Wooderson:
Man, it's the same bullshit they tried to pull in my day. If it ain't that piece of paper, there's some other choice they're gonna try and make for you. You gotta do what Randall Pink Floyd wants to do man. Let me tell you this, the older you do get the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin' man, L-I-V-I-N.

Slater:
Didja ever look at a dollar bill, man? There's some spooky sh*t goin' on there. And it's green too.

Wooderson:
Say, man, you got a joint?

Mitch:
No, not on me, man.

Wooderson:
It'd be a lot cooler if you diid.

Dawson:
You know that Julie chick? Loves you. You want her? Gotta play it cool, you know. You can't let her know how much you like ?cause if she knows, she'll dump you like that. Believe me. Like, if she asks you if you want a ride, you say, "No, I've got my own ride, but maybe I'll see you later." Sounds stupid, doesn't it? It works.

Jodi:
Are we having social hour over here? I'm supposed to be being a b*tch.

Wooderson:
That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.

O'Bannion:
This first lick I'd like to dedicate to your mother... f*** her.

Pink:
Marijuana on one. Reefer on two.

Ms. Ginny Stroud:
Okay guys, one more thing, this summer when you're being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth Of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating, and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes.

Mike:
I feel like I'm being stalked by a Nazi.

O'Bannion:
Y'all ready to bust some ass?

Clint:
I only came here to do two things, kick some ass and drink some beer.

Clint:
Looks like we're almost outta beer.

Slater:
Oh, man, I'm f***in' wasted.

Pink:
All I'm saying is that if I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life - remind me to kill myself.

Dawson:
Mmm... bowling ball. Bowling ball. Yeah throw it. F*ggot, sissy, p*ssy, freshman.

Dawson:
Did you hear that O'Bannion flunked?

Pink:
Yeah, what a dumbshit.

O'Bannion:
Hey Slater, you f***in' hippie, give me drugs, man.

Slater:
Go get some from your mother, man.

O'Bannion:
We just bagged your mother.

Slater:
Okay, f*** you d*ckhead.

Dawson:
There's Shavonne. I think she might still be mad at me Watch me get something going here.

Dawson:
Hey, what's going on?

Slater:
Oh, a little weed, you know. There may be a beer bust later on.

Slater:
All right, check ya later!

Dawson:
Slate man, why are you always such a dork man?

Slater:
What are you talking about man?

Dawson:
Check ya later! Check ya later!

Slater:
Hey man, get off my case man.

Wooderson:
I love them redheads!

Clint:
What did you just say?

Mike:
What?

Clint:
Just now, man. When you walked past, what'd you say?

Mike:
About what?

Clint:
You said, "Someone's tokin' some reefer."

Mike:
No, I meant somewhere I smell some pot, you know? It was just an observation.

Clint:
Oh, an observation, huh? Well who the hell are you, man? Isaac f***ing Newton?

Liquor Store Clerk:
(To pregnant girl)

Remember to eat a green thing every day and have lots of calcium, it's very important for young mothers to have lots of calcium.

Liquor Store Clerk:

See you tomorrow night.

(as she walks out with her booze and cigarettes)

Kaye:
You know, you guys were in class trying to list all the Gilligan's Island episodes without even a hint of irony.

Shavonne:
What the hell are you talking about, girl?

Kaye:
You weren't thinking about it, were you?

Shavonne:
Gilligan's Island?

Kaye:
It's what's called a male pornographic fantasy.

Shavonne:
Oh my...

Kaye:
Think about it. You're basically alone on a deserted island with two readily available women. One a seductive sex-godess type, the other a healthy girl-next-door type with a nice butt. So guys have it all, the madonna and the whore. Women get nothing; we get a geek, an overweight middle-aged guy, some nerdy scientific type, I mean...

Jodi:
The professor... is sexy.

Jodi:
Hey, I got a favor to ask you guys. You know my little brother?

Benny:
Yeah, Mitch Kramer.

Jodi:
Yeah, Mitch Kramer. Well, take it easy on him this summer will ya?

Pink:
Don't worry sis, little brother's safe with us.

Jodi:
Well, just don't get him worse than the other guys. He's kinda little.

Benny:
OK. I promise.

[As Jodi walks off, Benny swats her on the butt with his paddle]

Jodi:
[giggles] Benny! These guys, I don’t know... [leaves]

Dawson:
There was just a little bit of bullshit in all that, right?

Benny:
Major bullshit. He's a dead man. He’s f***in’ dead!

Tony:
[describing his dream] So there I am, getting it on with this perfect female body and...

Mike:
What?

Tony:
I can't say.

Mike:
No, you can't give a build-up like that and not deliver. You know, a perfect female body, it’s not a bad start.

Tony:
But with the head of Abraham Lincoln. With the hat and the beard, everything. [pause] Well, best not to think too deep on it.

Mike:
Best not.

Tony:
Look, I'll see you later.

Mike:
See you later. [shaking his head] Sorry.

Wooderson:
I've been thinkin' about gettin' back in school, though, man.

Dawson:
What, like, J.C. or something like that?

Wooderson:
Yeah, man, that's where all the girls are, right? But I'd just as soon keep workin', though, keep a little change in my pocket. Better than listenin' to some dipshit, doesn't know what the hell he's talkin' about, anyway!

Dawson:
I know what you're talkin' about, man!

Wooderson:
[to Mitch] So, you're a freshman, right? Tell me, man, how's this year's crop of freshman chicks lookin' this year?

Dawson:
Wood, you're gonna go to jail very soon, man!

Wooderson:
Naw, man. That's what I like about these high school girls; I get older, they stay the same age.

Dawson:
Yes, they do.

Wooderson:
Yes, they do.

Kyle:
George toked weed, man?

Slater:
Absolutely George toked weed, are you kiddin' me, man? He grew fields of that stuff, man, that's what I'm talkin' about. Fields.

Kyle:
He grew that sh*t up Mount Vernon, man.

Slater:
Mount Vernon, man? He grew it all over the country, man. He had people growin' it all over the country, you know. The whole country back then was gettin' high. Lemme tell you, man, 'cause he knew he was onto somethin', man. He knew that it would be a good cash crop for the southern states, man, so he grew fields of it, man. But you know what? Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man.

Jodi:
Is that a beer in your hand?

Mitch:
Why, yes it is.

Jodi:
Have you had more than one of those?

Mitch:
Few. No one's counting.

Jodi:
When were you supposed to be home?

Mitch:
Few hours ago, I think.

Jodi:
That’s bullshit. That's major bullshit. You know I was barely let out at your age?

Mitch:
Aww.

Jodi:
Aww. Well don't think she won't be waiting up for you. And she is tough. I've been through it.

Mitch:
Just don't ask her to take it easy on me.

Coach Conrad:
Come here, Randy. Come here. You been out with those losers all night?

Slater:
Hey, Coach Conrad. Remember me? Second-period gym class?

Coach Conrad:
That's the kind of people I was tellin' you about. Trouble like this means nothing to those clowns. You're the one with something to lose.

Pink:
Coach, you don't even know them. How can you even pretend to talk that way?

Coach Conrad:
Okay, Randy. I shouldn't do this, but I'm willing to wipe the slate clean and forget about this. I want you to get your priorities straight, quit hanging out with those hoodlums and sign your commitment to your team. Have you done that yet?

Pink:
I'm still thinkin' about it.

Coach Conrad:
No one's paying you to think about it, just do it, son!

Pink:
You know, Coach, I gotta get goin'. Me and my "loser" friends, you know, we gotta get Aerosmith tickets. Top priority of the summer. Oh, and Coach, I forgot. I might play ball. But I will never sign that!

"It'd be a lot cooler if you did!"

*Matthew McConaughey*

aka Wooderson

"The older you get the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow....You just gotta keep living man, L-I-V-I-N."

*Matthew McConaughey*

aKa Wooderson

Mike:
Look, I've got a confession to make.

Tony:
What do you mean a confession?

Mike:
You know how for like the last year or so I've been talking about going to law school so I can become a ACLU lawyer to be in a position to help people getting f***ed over and all that? Well I'm standing in line at the post office yesterday you know, and I'm looking around and everybody's looking really pathetic you know what I mean. Like people have just got drool sticking there, and like this guy's bending over and you can see the crack of his ass. It was all just like wife beaters, it was.. Anyway. I realize that I just don't want to do it. You know what I mean? It sounds good and all but I just have to confront the fact that I really don't like the people I've been talking about helping out. You know what I'm saying? I don't like people period. I mean you guys are okay. I don't know. I'm just trying to be honest about being a misanthrope.

Tony:
So you're not going to law school? What do you want to do?

Mike:
I wanna dance!

Fred O’Bannion:
You are an embarrassment to the sport of pool, and you should be honored that I even let you play at my table.

Fred O’Bannion:
I’d like to dedicate this first lick to your mother... f*** her.

Benny O'Donnell:
[on public address system, to junior high students] Okay, all you freshman fucks, listen up!, Today's your lucky day, Normally you'd be spending your freshman summer getting your asses busted, and running for your worthless little lives. But today, since we feel so sorry for you, we're gonna make it easy on ya; gonna save us all a lotta time. If you meet us here, right here, after school today, y'all only get one "lick" from each of us. But if you run like cowards, well, it's open season, all summer long, boys. Oh, and Mitch Kramer. Mitchy-Mitchy-Mitchy-Mitchy...We're lookin' for you, pal. Your ass'll be purple before the day's over. Have a nice afternoon. [kisses CB mic]

Benny O'Donnell:
You just wasted another f***ing beer!

Carl Burnett:
We're not in Junior High any more. We're freshmen. We're in the big time now... where the girls will be puttin' out all the time.

Cynthia Dunn:
I call it the "every other decade" theory. The 50's were boring. The 60's rocked. The 70's, my god, they obviously suck. So maybe the 80s will be like, radical. I figure we'll be in our 20's and hey, it can't get any worse.