Deadpool 2

Dopinder:
I want to become a contract killer.

Deadpool:
I'm sorry, what did you say?

Dopinder:
Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu and threatened him with great violence?

Deadpool:
You kind of killed him.

Dopinder:
And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire?

Deadpool:
Don't want to.

Dopinder:
When Tom Cruise fed 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time, and she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said "I want some more..." Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst...!

Deadpool:
I'll never not picture that. But I can't wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible.

Deadpool:
Family was always an F-word to me. My pile-of-sh*t father took off and bailed. I mean, it's not like I have a lot of strong role models to draw off of for Todd.

Vanessa:
Hey, look at me. You are not your father. Besides... I will never, ever let our child be named Todd.

Deadpool:
But here's the thing - isn't that how it always works? Like in Star Wars, men are destined to become their father, and have consensual sex with their sister?

Vanessa:
I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie.

Deadpool:
No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her.

Vanessa:
Baby, that's Empire. The point is, kids... they give us a chance to be better than we are. Better than we used to be.

Deadpool:
You're a lot smarter than I look.

Deadpool:
Why can't I f***ing die?

Colossus:
Take your mask off, Wade. We must talk. [Deadpool does so] You need fresh start. With train, you can be X-Man.

Deadpool:
You're wasting your time, Shiny Jesus. I'm not X-Men material.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
[enters the room with Yukio] Understatement of the year. Wade, Yukio. Yukio, Wade. [Yukio waves at Deadpool]

Deadpool:
What in the f***-knuckles is this?

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
She's my girlfriend, you intolerant sh*t.

Deadpool:
Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox & Friends! I'm just surprised anyone would date you, especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony. [winks at Yukio]

Yukio:
[smiling] I like this guy.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
Give him a chance. [to Deadpool] It's great seeing you like this.

Deadpool:
[laughs] Yeah.

Yukio:
[leaves the room with Negasonic Teenage Warhead] Bye, Wade. [waves back]

Deadpool:
Hi there!

Firefist:
Stay back or [points at Negasonic Teenage Warhead] Justin Bieber dies!

Deadpool:
Ha! Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber.

Colossus:
Come quietly or there will be trouble!

Firefist:
You stole that from RoboCop!

Deadpool:
That's RoboCop! Just stand down!

Deadpool:
[holding a gun on Cable] Talk! What kind of spineless shitstick tries to kill a 14-year old boy? You might wanna start talking, 'cause I got a long history with firing at times like this!

Cable:
The name's Cable. I'm from the future. Just walk away.

Deadpool:
Oh, so you're from the future? I have three questions then. One: is dubstep still a thing? Two: what Sharknado are we on? And three: at what point do audiences say "Enough with the robotic arms"?! [they continue their fight]

Cable:
[while jamming a knife on Deadpool] Dubstep's for pussies!

Deadpool:
You're so dark! You sure you're not from the DC universe? I love dubstep!

Deadpool:
I'm not gonna abandon this kid. He's never had anyone, ever. I need to be selfless.

Weasel:
Yeah, but what does that mean?

Deadpool:
It means I'm gonna save Russell. Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa, but maybe I can save a robust teenager from New Zealand.

Weasel:
Yeah, but what I mean is, like, the world "selfless". I literally don't know what that means.

Deadpool:
Jesus Christ.

Cable:
Who are you?

Deadpool:
I'm Batman.

[As the X-Force team prepares to skydive]

Peter:
I hate to interrupt, but is anybody nervous about the high winds?

Deadpool:
Gary...

Peter:
My name's Peter.

Deadpool:
I realize that you're new to this, but relax. You've been chosen by a higher power.

Domino:
Did he just call himself God?

Bedlam:
I think he did.

Peter:
I'd like to go home.

Deadpool:
[yelling] And I'd like the McRib to be available year round, but sometimes dreams don't come true! I spent ten years in Special Forces! You think we didn't jump out of the plane because of a light breeze?! YOU'RE IN THIS SH*T NOW, MUSTACHE! [whispering] I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. I'd never let anything happen to you, sugar-bear. [pats Peter on the cheek]

Juggernaut:
[grabs Deadpool] I'm gonna rip you in half now.

Deadpool:
That is such a Juggernaut thing to say-- [gets literally ripped in half by Juggernaut]

Cable:
We don't have a lot of time. Your friend's about to make his first kill.

Deadpool:
No offense, but if you know so much, why not travel back to when he was a baby, kill him then? Or better yet, head back a little further, kill baby Hitler?

Cable:
I use a device to slide through time. The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. I got two charges: one to get me here, one to get me home.

Deadpool:
Well. [to the viewer] That's just lazy writing.

Firefist:
What do you say we go f*** some sh*t up?

Juggernaut:
"Let's F*** Some Sh*t Up" is my legal middle name.

Cable:
[about Firefist] Told you this little f***er's too far gone.

Deadpool:
Zip it, Thanos!

[during the final battle with the Juggernaut.]

Male Chorus:
You can't stop this motherf***er!

Female Chorus:
Holy shitballs! Holy shitballs!

Firefist:
Stay back! Go home, Wade!

Deadpool:
Let's talk. It doesn't have to go this way! That piece of sh*t - he deserves to die for what he did to you. He hurt you badly. Makes you wanna hurt others. But if you kill him, he wins. You become everything he says you are, but worse. You're just a kid. You don't wanna hurt anyone.

Firefist:
How do you know what I want?!

Deadpool:
Because I've been inside you... that came out wrong. I've been inside your shoes... which is also off-putting. The point is... there are people... There are people in this f***ing world, besides him, who will treat you right.

Deadpool:
Say "f***" for me. Just once. Come on, we'll do it together. It's no big deal. Here we go. One, two, three. Fu... Fu...

Colossus:
F***.

Deadpool:
Wow. Enjoy Hell, smut-mouth.

[Trying to get the collar off of Deadpool's neck]

Firefist:
We need a code.

Domino:
Try, uh... seven?

Deadpool:
Settle down, Captain Lucky, it's not gonna be one number.

[Firefist presses the number 7, and the collar unlocks]

Deadpool:
God, that's lazy writing.

Headmaster:
All you dirty mutants are gonna rot in hell with the boy! Your souls are beyond redemption!

Cable:
Let's see your soul, perv! [takes out a knife]

Deadpool:
No! No! No! No more! We're better than that! We're better than him! No more senseless violence, no more bloodshed! We'll let karma take care of him.

Headmaster:
The day of reckoning is here! [Dopinder suddenly runs over the headmaster, followed by silence]

Deadpool:
I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
[while fixing Cable's time-travel device] How something so small generates enough energy to reverse time...

Deadpool:
Ugh! Just fix it, Eleven, or I'll take it to the Genius bar.

Yukio:
Cable's gonna kill you when he finds out.

Deadpool:
Never heard of him.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
Why do you think I'm helping him? [tosses the device back to Deadpool]

Deadpool:
The Lord works in mysterious ways... don't I? Good day.

Yukio:
[waves cheerfully] Bye, Wade.

Deadpool:
Bye, Yukio. [waves back]

Yukio:
[dropping her smile] That was probably a bad idea.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
What have we done?

[Deadpool goes back in time to save Peter]

Deadpool:
Peter!

Peter:
X-Force!

Deadpool:
Walk away! Just walk away!

Peter:
But we're X-Force!

Deadpool:
Nope, we're not! There's no X-Force!

Peter:
All right, well...this has been pretty scary.

Deadpool:
Go home, sugar-bear. Go home.

Peter:
Okay, will you give Domino my e-mail?

[Deadpool time-travels to the events of X-Men Origins:
Wolverine.]

Wolverine:
Wade, is that you? [he notices Wade/Weapon XI's mouth is stitched shut] Stryker finally figured out how to shut you up.

[Wolverine's claws emerge as Weapon XI is suddenly shot down by Deadpool]

Deadpool:
Hey! It's me! Don't scratch. Just cleaning up the timeline. [he keeps firing at Weapon XI and then leaves] Love you.

[Ryan Reynolds holds up a script for Green Lantern.]

Ryan Reynolds:
Welcome to the big leagues, kid.

[Deadpool shoots him through the head from behind.]

Deadpool:
You're welcome, Canada.

Ryan Reynolds – Wade Wilson / Deadpool & Cain Marko/Juggernaut

Josh Brolin – Nathan Summers / Cable

Julian Dennison – Firefist

Zazie Beetz – Domino

Morena Baccarin – Vanessa

T. J. Miller – Weasel

Leslie Uggams – Blind Al

Stefan Kapi?i? – Colossus

Brianna Hildebrand – Negasonic Teenage Warhead

Karan Soni – Dopinder

[after the convoy carrying the prisoners crashes, and Deadpool stumbles out of the wreckage]

Deadpool:
Russell? Russ- where are you? [a fist punches out through one of the cells, and Russell climbs out] Russell? Russell, you're okay! [Juggernaut stands up behind Russell] Oh, thank GoOOOOH MYYY GOD!!! Juggernaut!! [gasps] I thought that was you! I should've worn my white pants!

[Domino approaches, but once she sees Juggernaut, she slides out of the scene, mouthing "Noooo..."]

Deadpool:
You probably get this a lot, but I'm a huge fan! Uncanny X-Men #183, Thor #411, X-Men Unlimited #12... [Juggernaut starts walking, then running, toward Deadpool] You know, it has always been a dream of mine to see my face reflected in your helmet as you charge at me with murderous intent... I don't mean right now.

Juggernaut:
[grabs Deadpool] I'm gonna rip you in half now.

Deadpool:
That is such a Juggernaut thing to say-- [gets literally ripped in half by Juggernaut]

[Deadpool time-travels to the events of X-Men Origins:
Wolverine.]

Wolverine:
Wade, is that you? [he notices Wade/Weapon XI's mouth is stitched shut] Guess Stryker finally figured out how to shut you up.

[Wolverine's claws emerge as Weapon XI is suddenly shot down by Deadpool]

Deadpool:
Hey! It's me! Don't scratch. Just cleaning up the timeline.

[in the Super Duper Cut]

Deadpool:
Look, eventually, you're gonna hang up the claws, and that's gonna make a lot of people very sad.

Wolverine:
Huh?

Deadpool:
But one day your pal Wade is gonna ask you to get back in the saddle again. [fires at Weapon XI again] And when he does, say yes.

Wolverine:
Oh. Right.

Deadpool:
[keeps firing at Weapon XI and then leaves; line present in the standard version] Love you.

Deadpool:
I don’t speak Cantonese, Mister…

[he looks at card and then tosses it]

Deadpool:
Well, I’m not even going to attempt that. But I did take eighth grade Spanish, so, donde esta la biblioteca? Which literally translates to, “I don’t bargain, pumpkin f***er.”

Weasel:
Wade! I heard what happened with the convoy–[Walks in and sees Deadpool with Blind Al; gives a loud shout of shock]...why wouldn't you cover that up?

[Deadpool is shown with a toddler-sized lower half of his body, the hem of his shirt barely covering his groin]

Deadpool:
A true warrior has nothing to be ashamed of.

Weasel:
Yeah, but you do. I mean, look at you; you're just straight up shirt-cocking it toddler-style?

Deadpool:
Oh, yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh.

Blind Al:
What the hell's happening? Describe it.

Deadpool:
[To Al] I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you-

Weasel:
It's like, um...

Deadpool:
[quietly] Here we go.

Weasel:
It's like he was giving birth anally, but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out and they said, "You know what? I'm done."

Deadpool:
[To Al] Happy?

Weasel:
He's like a Muppet from the waist down, but this time, you can see the Muppet's dick. Grover's got a cock-

Dopinder:
[Comes in] Sorry, I'm late. I had to take care of the inventory–[Sees Deadpool] Aaaaahhhh! Oh, no, no, no, DP, not again.

Weasel:
This has happened before? [Dopinder starts to gag] Jesus, either vomit or don't. The indecision is killing me.

Blind Al:
Why couldn't God take my hearing?

Deadpool:
Zip it, Thanos!

Deadpool:
[To Cable, after he saved his life] I don't know how to thank you, but I do know how to hug you.

Cable:
No.

Deadpool:
Yes. [Hugs Cable] There we go, bring it in, come on. Pelvis to pelvis. Let's go, tip-to-tip, there we go. The kids call this "docking". [The sound of a knife is heard] ...Is there a knife in my dick?

Cable:
There's a knife in your dick, yeah.

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
[narrating while he is shown blowing himself up] F*** Wolverine! First he rides my coattails with the R-rating, then the hairy motherf***er ups the ante by dying! What a dick! Well, guess what, Wolvie? I'm dying in this one too.

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
[narrating while executing Russian criminals] I know what you're thinking: "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." But that's where you'd be wrong. And believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. True story. And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7... [a guy on fire runs around screaming]

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
Is it just me or does "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" from Frozen sound suspiciously like "Papa, Can You Hear Me?" from Yentl? [singing] "Papa, can you hear me?" [spoken] And nobody f***ing realizes it.

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
[while going around the X-Mansion using Professor X's wheelchair] All these elderly white men on the walls. Should have brought my rape whistle. [in the Super Duper Cut: All these old guys on the wall. Who lives here, Calista Flockhart?] [chuckles and knocks busts onto the floor, breaking them] Those were already damaged after they fell there!

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
[riding around the X-Mansion on Professor X's wheelchair] What am I supposed to do around here, anyway? Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings? And how would I do that, exactly, 'cause... where the heck is everyone? It's always just you and Negasonic Teenage-Longest-Name-Ever- [Colossus (grabbing Wade by the shoulder): Enough!] I said no touching. [Colossus throws him off the wheelchair and onto the floor] You'd think the studio would throw us a bone – one that doesn't end up in my mouth. The first movie made more money than the guy who invented pants. But they can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men? How 'bout that putz with the giant pigeon wings? What do those do anyway, huh? [cut to behind Wade; Cyclops, Storm, Nightcrawler, Beast, Quicksilver and Professor X are actually in an adjoining room. Beast quickly closes the door without Wade noticing] Carry him three feet off the ground to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb? No, no, no, no, no. No.

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
[after Firefist starts a fight in the Ice Box] We're not partners or friends. This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset, it ends with me dying of cancer, and you winning the Ice Box award for softest mouth. There's only one person in this world that I care about, and she's gone. You wanna survive? Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here, and make friends with them. Make friends with someone. Anyone but me. Maybe even Black Tim... Black Evan? I don't know. All I remember is, he was African-American.

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
In every film, there's a moment when the hero hits rock bottom. In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's prized bobsled broke. In Human Centipede, it was when those people signed on to be in that movie. But in this film, well, you're looking at it. Rock, meet bottom.

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
[planning to rescue Firefist with the X-Force team] You all know the plan. Intercept the convoy, grab the boy, but not inappropriately!

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
[after the X-Force team is killed off accidentally in a series of random mishaps] Good news and bad news. Bad news is, the whole team is dead. The good news is, I don't think anyone is gonna miss Shatterstar. He was a bit of a prick.

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
[to Domino via commlink] Seriously, I don't get it! What, you shoot luck lasers out your eyes? It's just hard to picture, and certainly not very cinematic. I mean, luck? What coked-out, glass pipe-sucking freakshow comic book artist came up with that little chestnut?! Probably a guy who can't draw feet! [all the while, Domino is running through traffic while a series of accidents happen around her without harming her]

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
Give me your best shot, One-Eyed Willie.

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
[after Cable shoots Black Tom Cassidy] YOU KILLED BLACK TOM, YOU RACIST SON OF A B*TCH!

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
I'll be the first to admit: this did not go according to plan. I'll also be the first to admit that that plan was written in crayon. Looks like Russell found a new friend. Turns out Domino is a bit of a badass and maybe possibly mildly lucky. But Cable, yeesh, that guy's in the mood. A mood that is about to get significantly worse.

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
[To Juggernaut] Hey, big guy! The sun's getting real low!

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
I hope you sharpened the cream cheese spreader. [throws the spreader onto a criminal who's about to shoot Vanessa, successfully killing him] I'll be right back. [uses Cable's time-travelling device; to Vanessa] We're definitely naming our kid Cher! WOOOOO!

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
[from trailer, at Cable's incomplete intro] What in the actual ass?! DALE! W-why are the visual effects not done?! It's a metal arm! It's not like we're trying to remove a mustache!

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
[from trailer; playing with action figures] Zip it, Cable! I got the stones to help you! [teabags Cable's action figure with Deadpool's action figure]

Nathan Summers / Cable:
[from trailer] Your time's up, you dumbass/dumbfuck.

Nathan Summers / Cable:
Hello, Russell.

Nathan Summers / Cable:
I use a device to slide through time. The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. I got two charges: one to get me here, one to get me home.

Nathan Summers / Cable:
I guess dubstep never dies.

[Ryan Reynolds holds up a script for Green Lantern.]

Ryan Reynolds:
Goddamn, that's beautiful. [In Once Upon a Deadpool and the Super Duper Cut: Welcome to the big leagues, kid.] (The script is then sprayed with blood as Reynolds is shot in the head; his still-smiling corpse then slumps forward onto the desk.)

Deadpool:
You're welcome, Canada.

Wade Wilson / Deadpool:
Nobody knows, but rumor has it that they keep a monster in the basement. Right next to [turns to viewer] huge, steaming hot bowl of foreshadowing.